Christmas - ugh
-Sigh-
Did some christmas shopping yesterday. Got my mum's present, and one for a friend.
I'm going to get my sister's present next time, something from sanctum.
My mum is getting a new tree. Its black, very goth. I like it.
I have made a not to look up what the next sabbat is for the southern hemisphere. Its opposite for the north. How annoying.
I'm about to go to therapy. Joy.
I just hate it.
Plus, my T has taken to seeing me at home or in public places.
Today we are going to have coffee.
I'm sick of it. I liked being seen at a clinic, in privacy.
And actually talking about stuff that mattered.
I mean wtf.
I sit there and she asks me about my interests and bs like that.
She has never asked me "are you still hallucinating?" or "Hows your mood been?"
Taxpayers are giving money to have someone make small talk with me.
But I suppose its better that way. Shed probably try to put me back in hospital again if she knew half the stuff that goes on with me.
and I want to start cutting again.
Its been so long.
It just seems such a hassle now...
I satisfy myself with violence on TV.
Not the same though.
I am remembering something right now, but I dont know what it is.
A dream maybe, or perhaps just a daydream.
I was in a room, a white room. There was a doc talking to me. I was very angry and hostile.
I said something like "Do you think I'm insane? I love it when people call me that."
I was thinking...
I know that I am considered 'crazy'
and they say that, those who think they are crazy are alright, you just have to worry about those that think they are sane.
so because I know I am 'crazy,' does that mean I'm really not?
I'm completely rational about my illness I think.
These days I can tell when I am hallucinating and know its not real.
I can tell when I'm being stupid and depressed for no significant reason.
But it doesnt stop all this stuff going on in my head.
I cant control what I see.
I cant control my mood.
But I am aware of whats going on...
Does that make sense?
Anyway...
I have rediscovered An Tagen Wie Diesen and all its awesomeness.
I love it.
I've been singing the chorus all day... and playing it on repeat when I'm at the computer.
Anyway, must be off to therapy now.
May post more when I get back.
Did some christmas shopping yesterday. Got my mum's present, and one for a friend.
I'm going to get my sister's present next time, something from sanctum.
My mum is getting a new tree. Its black, very goth. I like it.
I have made a not to look up what the next sabbat is for the southern hemisphere. Its opposite for the north. How annoying.
I'm about to go to therapy. Joy.
I just hate it.
Plus, my T has taken to seeing me at home or in public places.
Today we are going to have coffee.
I'm sick of it. I liked being seen at a clinic, in privacy.
And actually talking about stuff that mattered.
I mean wtf.
I sit there and she asks me about my interests and bs like that.
She has never asked me "are you still hallucinating?" or "Hows your mood been?"
Taxpayers are giving money to have someone make small talk with me.
But I suppose its better that way. Shed probably try to put me back in hospital again if she knew half the stuff that goes on with me.
and I want to start cutting again.
Its been so long.
It just seems such a hassle now...
I satisfy myself with violence on TV.
Not the same though.
I am remembering something right now, but I dont know what it is.
A dream maybe, or perhaps just a daydream.
I was in a room, a white room. There was a doc talking to me. I was very angry and hostile.
I said something like "Do you think I'm insane? I love it when people call me that."
I was thinking...
I know that I am considered 'crazy'
and they say that, those who think they are crazy are alright, you just have to worry about those that think they are sane.
so because I know I am 'crazy,' does that mean I'm really not?
I'm completely rational about my illness I think.
These days I can tell when I am hallucinating and know its not real.
I can tell when I'm being stupid and depressed for no significant reason.
But it doesnt stop all this stuff going on in my head.
I cant control what I see.
I cant control my mood.
But I am aware of whats going on...
Does that make sense?
Anyway...
I have rediscovered An Tagen Wie Diesen and all its awesomeness.
I love it.
I've been singing the chorus all day... and playing it on repeat when I'm at the computer.
Anyway, must be off to therapy now.
May post more when I get back.