(no subject)
And yet another college rant.
This is seriously the same shite you guys have listened to over and over. Sometimes I just need to get it out of myself so I can look at it physically on the page. Feel free not to read it.
I barley regret things in my life. I've been lucky enough to have a pretty easy go of it(by comparasion). But. I do regret not going to the Chicago Art Institute, rather than SCAD. Listen to what they say about their art degree and new writing degree:
On Art:
Following the First Year Program requirements, the BFA student is then free to develop a particularized course of study in the visual arts. The openness of the curriculum is the most valuable aspect of the BFA education in that it allows for creative, idiosyncratic, and tailored programs of artistic development, thereby emulating the very process of art making. Approximately half of the students work across departments, building a mixed repertoire of ideas and skills, while the other half tend to concentrate in one or two departments. Academic Advising, provided by the Office of Student Affairs and from individual departments, helps guide the student in making the best course selections and insuring completion of all requirements.
On Writing:
"The program is designed to offer two different, though entwined, focuses. First, a series of courses designed to familiarize you with important aspects of literary endeavor: important texts placed within their historical context, a grounding in literary tropes and figurative language, a practical exposure to form in fiction and poetry, as well as an ever increasing ability to read and critique peers' work with sensitivity and intelligence. Second, to redefine what "writing" is.
The BFA with Emphasis in Writing is fully integrated into the School's studio departments. This integration means you'll have opportunities to connect writing to painting, performance, film and new media, text off the page, sound, and hypertext. You not only have opportunities to explore areas of academic interest in the literature and humanities courses the Liberal Arts department offers, you also can install language in gallery space, hang language on a wall, loop language through a film projector, and you can also write a novel, a sonnet sequence, a play-literally, the possibilities are without end. No other undergraduate writing program exists in which the literary arts are so abundantly a living, open field. We value possibility over definition, and welcome those students who thrive in such challenging, exciting, yet-to-be discovered terrain."
I feel as though I wasted too many years not learning anything at SCAD. In the long term of my life, I know this will seem like nothing, these years. But in my desperate immediacy, I feel as though I've squandered away the chance to be living in New York or experiencing Europe, all for a degree I'm not going to use. Even now, with three quarters left, I live with a horrid fear that next quarter my anxiety and depression surrounding the city with get the best of me and I'll drop all my classes, thus sabotaging myself into another three months in that place. Self-fulfilling prophecy.
The question becomes: How much is it worth to sacrifice happiness for a useless degree? For a line on my resume?
Nobody can answer that.
This would all be different if I knew exactly what I wanted to do. If I had that knowledge, I could just say screw all this and go pursue that. Why couldn't I have been born a songwriter or something-or at least knowing what I wanted to do, without a doubt. I'm so envious of people like that.
I know everyone thinks it's ridiculous I would be saying all of this with three quarters left. But nine more months in Savannah, doing something I don't like to do. With no friends and no satisfaction from school, there is simply no happiness there for me. Plus, I'm paying somebody else money to feel this way. A LOT of money.
So is it worth it?
Even when I graduate, I'm not going to feel in anyway prepared for the job market.
Will I be damning myself without a degree, even if I don't use it?
I have no idea what I would even pursue anyway.
Should I leave now, start new somewhere else?
No one can even begin to answer these questions, I know.
But I think I've going back there, and I think about going to those classes and I get a knot in my stomach.
Part of it is the fact that even though I don't care about them, I won't let myself fail them. I'll drop out of a class before I get a bad grade in it, which I know is ridiculous sounding, but my OCD is such that I can't stand the idea of being less than perfect.
I need to stop doing what's safe.
I need to take a risk.
I need to feel failure and know that it's not the worst that can happen.
That is very scary to me.
Not being on top of everything makes me feel awful.
I have to be in the top five of my class. Not only do I have to be in the magazine, I have to be on the cover. I have to wear the most and best outfits in the fashion show. I have to have the best looking project. I have to make good grades. I have to be the funniest one in the room. I have to be successful. I have to be the blondest blonde. I have to be the skinniest girl on the shoot. I have to be the one they talk about later. I have to be the smartest one who always raises her hand with the right answer. I need to not have one, but two poems in the literary magazine. I have to give my father something to brag about to his doctor friends. My screenplay has to be the only on in the class to get made. My papers have to be used as an example for later classes. I have to make the most tips when I'm box dancing.
If I am anything less then this, and I don't even want to be a part of it.
It's not a competition thing. It's not about beating other people. It's about proving it to myself.
All of this becomes very overwhelming and hard when the things you’re striving for, you don't care about. It's hard to be number one is something you don't care about.
But because I know I am capable, any less is me being lazy and wasting my opportunities and privileges.
Even if I'm not happy doing these things.
This is all compounded with the daily barrage of questions:
"Aren't you famous yet?"
"Aren't you living in New York yet?"
"Aren't you a big time model yet?"
To which my brain thinks:
"Why am I not famous yet? Why am I not living in New York? Why am I not a model yet? I need to hurry up and be the best at these things. People expect it. People know me as this person. I shouldn't disappoint them. Disappointing them would mean failure."
Even if I'm not happy doing these things.
I am far too passionate about too many things, but my obsession with success has lead me to not even knowing my passions anymore. As long as I'm the best at it, then I'm fine. If it's too hard to be the best at the thing while I’m being the best at this thing, then drop it. Mediocrity is not an option.
That's bullshit.
I don't know what makes me happy.
I know that Savannah is not it.
But then the voice starts, "It's only nine more months..."
I have no idea what to do. School is not about learning. It's just something in the way. It's just an excuse not to take a risk.
The worst part is no one can help me with these choices.
And making the wrong choice would be failure.
And we know how I feel about that.
This is seriously the same shite you guys have listened to over and over. Sometimes I just need to get it out of myself so I can look at it physically on the page. Feel free not to read it.
I barley regret things in my life. I've been lucky enough to have a pretty easy go of it(by comparasion). But. I do regret not going to the Chicago Art Institute, rather than SCAD. Listen to what they say about their art degree and new writing degree:
On Art:
Following the First Year Program requirements, the BFA student is then free to develop a particularized course of study in the visual arts. The openness of the curriculum is the most valuable aspect of the BFA education in that it allows for creative, idiosyncratic, and tailored programs of artistic development, thereby emulating the very process of art making. Approximately half of the students work across departments, building a mixed repertoire of ideas and skills, while the other half tend to concentrate in one or two departments. Academic Advising, provided by the Office of Student Affairs and from individual departments, helps guide the student in making the best course selections and insuring completion of all requirements.
On Writing:
"The program is designed to offer two different, though entwined, focuses. First, a series of courses designed to familiarize you with important aspects of literary endeavor: important texts placed within their historical context, a grounding in literary tropes and figurative language, a practical exposure to form in fiction and poetry, as well as an ever increasing ability to read and critique peers' work with sensitivity and intelligence. Second, to redefine what "writing" is.
The BFA with Emphasis in Writing is fully integrated into the School's studio departments. This integration means you'll have opportunities to connect writing to painting, performance, film and new media, text off the page, sound, and hypertext. You not only have opportunities to explore areas of academic interest in the literature and humanities courses the Liberal Arts department offers, you also can install language in gallery space, hang language on a wall, loop language through a film projector, and you can also write a novel, a sonnet sequence, a play-literally, the possibilities are without end. No other undergraduate writing program exists in which the literary arts are so abundantly a living, open field. We value possibility over definition, and welcome those students who thrive in such challenging, exciting, yet-to-be discovered terrain."
I feel as though I wasted too many years not learning anything at SCAD. In the long term of my life, I know this will seem like nothing, these years. But in my desperate immediacy, I feel as though I've squandered away the chance to be living in New York or experiencing Europe, all for a degree I'm not going to use. Even now, with three quarters left, I live with a horrid fear that next quarter my anxiety and depression surrounding the city with get the best of me and I'll drop all my classes, thus sabotaging myself into another three months in that place. Self-fulfilling prophecy.
The question becomes: How much is it worth to sacrifice happiness for a useless degree? For a line on my resume?
Nobody can answer that.
This would all be different if I knew exactly what I wanted to do. If I had that knowledge, I could just say screw all this and go pursue that. Why couldn't I have been born a songwriter or something-or at least knowing what I wanted to do, without a doubt. I'm so envious of people like that.
I know everyone thinks it's ridiculous I would be saying all of this with three quarters left. But nine more months in Savannah, doing something I don't like to do. With no friends and no satisfaction from school, there is simply no happiness there for me. Plus, I'm paying somebody else money to feel this way. A LOT of money.
So is it worth it?
Even when I graduate, I'm not going to feel in anyway prepared for the job market.
Will I be damning myself without a degree, even if I don't use it?
I have no idea what I would even pursue anyway.
Should I leave now, start new somewhere else?
No one can even begin to answer these questions, I know.
But I think I've going back there, and I think about going to those classes and I get a knot in my stomach.
Part of it is the fact that even though I don't care about them, I won't let myself fail them. I'll drop out of a class before I get a bad grade in it, which I know is ridiculous sounding, but my OCD is such that I can't stand the idea of being less than perfect.
I need to stop doing what's safe.
I need to take a risk.
I need to feel failure and know that it's not the worst that can happen.
That is very scary to me.
Not being on top of everything makes me feel awful.
I have to be in the top five of my class. Not only do I have to be in the magazine, I have to be on the cover. I have to wear the most and best outfits in the fashion show. I have to have the best looking project. I have to make good grades. I have to be the funniest one in the room. I have to be successful. I have to be the blondest blonde. I have to be the skinniest girl on the shoot. I have to be the one they talk about later. I have to be the smartest one who always raises her hand with the right answer. I need to not have one, but two poems in the literary magazine. I have to give my father something to brag about to his doctor friends. My screenplay has to be the only on in the class to get made. My papers have to be used as an example for later classes. I have to make the most tips when I'm box dancing.
If I am anything less then this, and I don't even want to be a part of it.
It's not a competition thing. It's not about beating other people. It's about proving it to myself.
All of this becomes very overwhelming and hard when the things you’re striving for, you don't care about. It's hard to be number one is something you don't care about.
But because I know I am capable, any less is me being lazy and wasting my opportunities and privileges.
Even if I'm not happy doing these things.
This is all compounded with the daily barrage of questions:
"Aren't you famous yet?"
"Aren't you living in New York yet?"
"Aren't you a big time model yet?"
To which my brain thinks:
"Why am I not famous yet? Why am I not living in New York? Why am I not a model yet? I need to hurry up and be the best at these things. People expect it. People know me as this person. I shouldn't disappoint them. Disappointing them would mean failure."
Even if I'm not happy doing these things.
I am far too passionate about too many things, but my obsession with success has lead me to not even knowing my passions anymore. As long as I'm the best at it, then I'm fine. If it's too hard to be the best at the thing while I’m being the best at this thing, then drop it. Mediocrity is not an option.
That's bullshit.
I don't know what makes me happy.
I know that Savannah is not it.
But then the voice starts, "It's only nine more months..."
I have no idea what to do. School is not about learning. It's just something in the way. It's just an excuse not to take a risk.
The worst part is no one can help me with these choices.
And making the wrong choice would be failure.
And we know how I feel about that.