(no subject)
Here it goes:
I'm upset with myself? Why- because I lied. I lied to my friends, I lied to my parents, I lied to everyone, including myself.
And I told them I was ok- because I'm RACHEL! I can get over guys. I don't need a guy. I did it becasue in a sense I
was almost embarrased. I was played like a deck of cards. I was walked on, I was talked about, I put myself
out and was totally shot down. So I tried to play it off, tried to not be hurt- I tried to rise above it. But that only goes
so far. I forgot one thing, in all the bitterness, the blowing it off, the taking it in stride, I forgot how hurt I was. How hurt
I am.
Man am I hurt. I miss him. I do feel played. But not by him. By his best friend.
Sacrifice. Would you give up something you love for someone? Just to spend time with them? An hour? 60 short
minutes? To talk, to laugh, to cry, to smile, to hold, to be held, to anything with them???
I would- I would give something up for 10 minutes like before. To laugh. To make him smile.
That feeling. You don't forget it easily.
Why don't I hate him? Why don't I dispise this? Why don't I get over this? Forget it?
I can't. Because I see him looking at me, watching me. And I realize, to see that I'm doing the same thing.
Watching him, and glancing, and I forget sometimes everything thats happened. And I wish I could just
run up to him and hug him and smile and say lets forget it all and start over- just us.
all the crap that has happened between us. But GAAAAHHHHHHH I think about the amazing things too!
He still makes me smile. Did you know that? I can sit and think about a time when we hung out and I smile.
And I want it back. And I miss him. And I still get up in the morning picking out my clothes, and doing my
makeup perfect for HIM. Not for a new crush, or myself, for HIM.
What do I want? [the legit things]
I'm upset with myself? Why- because I lied. I lied to my friends, I lied to my parents, I lied to everyone, including myself.
And I told them I was ok- because I'm RACHEL! I can get over guys. I don't need a guy. I did it becasue in a sense I
was almost embarrased. I was played like a deck of cards. I was walked on, I was talked about, I put myself
out and was totally shot down. So I tried to play it off, tried to not be hurt- I tried to rise above it. But that only goes
so far. I forgot one thing, in all the bitterness, the blowing it off, the taking it in stride, I forgot how hurt I was. How hurt
I am.
Man am I hurt. I miss him. I do feel played. But not by him. By his best friend.
Sacrifice. Would you give up something you love for someone? Just to spend time with them? An hour? 60 short
minutes? To talk, to laugh, to cry, to smile, to hold, to be held, to anything with them???
I would- I would give something up for 10 minutes like before. To laugh. To make him smile.
That feeling. You don't forget it easily.
Why don't I hate him? Why don't I dispise this? Why don't I get over this? Forget it?
I can't. Because I see him looking at me, watching me. And I realize, to see that I'm doing the same thing.
Watching him, and glancing, and I forget sometimes everything thats happened. And I wish I could just
run up to him and hug him and smile and say lets forget it all and start over- just us.
- The terrible thing is in spite of all this. The lies from his best friend, and the stupid crap that gets said,
all the crap that has happened between us. But GAAAAHHHHHHH I think about the amazing things too!
He still makes me smile. Did you know that? I can sit and think about a time when we hung out and I smile.
And I want it back. And I miss him. And I still get up in the morning picking out my clothes, and doing my
makeup perfect for HIM. Not for a new crush, or myself, for HIM.
What do I want? [the legit things]
- him to realize I really genuinly liked him
- him to see his best friend was jealous and lied
- his best friend to stop hating me because he's jealous of things that don't exist
- Not things to go back the way they were before, but to take this whole "fight"
and grow from it, learn from it, and to make a new relationship. A better one.
A more real than before one.