Fic: The Love Gods [12/?]
Title: The Love Gods [12/?]
Pairing: Puck/Kurt, very slight Kurt/Blaine
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A newly reconciled Burt and Finn set about finding the one thing that will make their new family complete: a boyfriend for Kurt.
Author's Notes: This is my version of Blaine. I'm aware that he isn't quite canon!Blaine but I hope you'll forgive me.
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. The events within are entirely fictional.
Word Count: 3606
Previous Parts: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven
Kurt knows exactly what to expect on Monday morning. He knows that Puck will be out to prove how little he cares about Kurt rejecting him, and that it most likely means the end of their truce. He is prepared for having to watch Puck shove his tongue down the throat of the nearest Cheerio whenever Kurt is around, in an attempt to get him to realise what he is missing out on. And whilst the thought might pain him slightly, he is determined not to let it taint the memory of Blaine’s kind eyes and the feel of soft lips against his cheek. He remains content with his decision. If Puck wants to trash their friendship over it, that’s his choice. Kurt managed perfectly well without Puck’s friendship before. He’s more than capable of living without it again.
Except that he doesn’t really want to. Being friends with Puck has brought a kind of balance to Kurt’s life that he hadn’t realised he was missing. He still hangs out with his girls almost every weekend, but he also gets invited to movie night with the boys. And he enjoys it. He actually enjoys pigging out on pizza and watching terrible action movies, complete with Sam’s impressions and Artie’s casually sexist commentary. He doesn’t mind skipping his nightly skincare routine, or sleeping on the floor with Mike kicking him in his sleep. He doesn’t even mind being laughed at in the morning, his hair sticking out in all directions and a thin red line down the side of his face from where the pillow had creased beneath him.
That’s not to say it wasn’t weird at first. His sexuality becomes the elephant in the room; something that everyone avoids mentioning for fear of offending him. Then they watch Troy, and Puck asks Kurt for his expert opinion on who has the best legs, Brad Pitt or Orlando Bloom. Pretty soon, they are all weighing in on the debate as easily as if they were talking about Angelina Jolie or Megan Fox. Kurt doesn’t feel so nervous after that, and Guys Night becomes one of the few places where it’s not just okay for Kurt to be gay, but it’s okay for him to talk about it too.
Some day, he’ll think of a way to thank Puck for giving him that.
As he steps out of his car, Kurt scans the McKinley parking lot for Mercedes. Facing Puck would be a lot easier with his best friend by his side, but she is nowhere to be seen, and Kurt is in danger of being late to his first class. He contemplates skipping the lockers entirely; only he’d rather not start his week by getting in trouble for not bringing his math book. Besides, he has to see Puck eventually. He might as well get it over and done with.
Even with the throng of students crowding the hall, Kurt spots Puck immediately. The other boy is leaning against the locker next to Kurt’s, quite clearly waiting for him. He’s also alone. And when his eyes fall on Kurt, he smiles.
“So,” Puck says quietly when Kurt reaches his locker. “How did it go?”
The question catches Kurt off guard. At no point did he imagine that Puck would willingly bring up anything about the weekend.
“Good,” he replies shortly, focussing intently on the task of retrieving his books so as to avoid having to look Puck in the eye. The last time he’d done that he’d seen hurt far beyond what he’d previously believed the other boy capable of feeling, and he’d been the one to put it there. “It was good.”
“Good?” Puck scoffs. “You got that excited for good? He must have been a bit of a letdown.”
The dig at Blaine riles Kurt, and his plan not to let Puck affect him proves to be entirely unrealistic. “It was better than good,” he hisses, risking eye contact to glare at Puck. “It was the best weekend of my life.”
The smile Puck gives him in return may be a little forced, but when he speaks his voice is sincere. “That’s more like it. I’m happy for you. You got to hear him sing, right? What’s he like?”
Kurt just stares at him.
Puck rolls his eyes. “I hate pity, okay,” he says, and for a minute Kurt thinks that is all he is going to get by way of an explanation. “You made your decision. You don’t have to pretend you’re not happy about it for my sake. I can deal. If you think he can make you happy, you should go for it.”
“So…we’re still friends?” Kurt asks tentatively, needing to hear Puck say the words before he’ll believe it.
“And I thought Finn was the dumb one,” Puck drawls, nudging him lightly.
Kurt chooses to interpret that as a yes.
And then immediately feels guilty for underestimating Puck yet again. It seems like no matter how many times Puck proves that he isn’t, Kurt has trouble thinking of him as anything other than the moronic, juvenile bully he’d so long hated him for being. Kurt likes to think of himself as a fairly rational person, so the fact that he refuses to accept that Puck is a decent guy, despite the overwhelming evidence, both fascinates and frustrates him.
It takes him until halfway through first period to stop analysing Puck’s behaviour long enough to take issue with his words.
“Why don’t you think Blaine will make me happy?” he asks, leaning over on the pretence of helping Puck with a math problem.
“What?”
“Earlier you said I should go for it if I think Blaine can make me happy. That suggest that you don’t think he can.”
Puck scribbles down an equation as the teacher passes by their desks, and continues to gaze at it long after he has moved on. Kurt gets the distinct impression that Puck is stalling, and he frowns. If Puck wants to be his friend he’s going to have to participate in conversations like this, whether he likes it or not. Especially as he is one of the few people who know about Blaine, and the only one Kurt really feels comfortable talking to about it.
“Blaine is the kind of guy who could make anyone happy,” Puck says eventually.
“But?” Kurt pushes.
“He’s rich and he’s sophisticated,” Puck states, keeping his eyes fixed on his paper. “Being with him would make you feel a hell of a lot more special than being with some loser jock. It’s not hard to see why you chose him.”
“You think I chose Blaine because he’s rich?” Kurt asks, his lip curling into a scowl.
“No,” Puck replies. “I think you chose him because you think it means you matter more. Blaine’s a man of taste, so if he likes you it would prove once and for all that you really are better than all of us.”
“You really think I’m that shallow? That I would choose Blaine just because of what other people would think of me if I was dating him?”
“I didn’t say it was shallow. Hell, I think the same thing about you,” Puck retorts. “And I think you chose Blaine because he’s everything you’ve wanted ever since you were old enough to want a boyfriend. He’s Prince Fucking Charming. But you haven’t stopped to think that you’re not the same little boy you were when you let all those fantasies into your head.”
“It’s not a crime to want to be treated well,” Kurt argues.
“Never said it was. Look, I think Blaine would treat you like a prince, and you’d love it. For a while. But then you’d want to be treated like a real person again and he wouldn’t know how to do it because he’s got you up on some fucking pedestal. You told me that I could never understand you the way he does, but you’ve got it the wrong way around. Okay, so I don’t know what it’s like to be openly gay in high school, but I do know how it feels to be punished for being yourself.”
Kurt opens his mouth to protest, but the image of Puck being slushied comes to his mind and he closes it again.
“Blaine can sit there in his precious school, protected by their precious little anti-bullying policy, and he can dream of moving to New York and LA with you, but he will never understand just how much you need to get out of here. He will never appreciate how hard it has been for you, how strong you have to be to have come through it.”
“And you do appreciate it?” Kurt asks, forcing the words past the ugly lump that has formed in his throat. “You think you could make me happier than Blaine?”
Puck shrugs. “Maybe. Maybe not.”
“You do realise that for a long time you were one of the things I had to fight?”
“And I’ve apologised for it. I’m trying to make amends. If you’re going to hold that against me for the rest of our lives than there’s no way I could make you happy.”
“You’ve been thinking about this a lot, haven’t you,” Kurt remarks shrewdly, and he can’t help but smirk when he sees Puck blush slightly.
“I had a lot of free time this weekend,” Puck mumbles, turning back to his paper and refusing to speak to Kurt for the rest of the lesson.
*
Kurt is well aware that one of his worst faults is his refusal to listen when the words aren’t something he wants to hear. So when his chat with Puck leaves him feeling unsettled rather than excited about his relationship with Blaine, he takes the first opportunity he has to get a second opinion.
“Hey dad,” Kurt says, slipping into his father’s office with two cups of steaming hot coffee. “Can I talk to you?”
“Of course,” Burt replies, looking up from his paperwork and motioning for Kurt to sit down. “Is everything okay?”
“It’s about Blaine,” Kurt answers, settling in to the least dirty of the three armchairs he has to choose from.
“That’s the kid you went to Dalton with, right? The smiley one?”
“Yes.”
They both take a sip of their coffee.
“When he dropped me off, he asked me to go out on a date with him some time,” Kurt explains.
Burt raises an eyebrow, but he doesn’t look angry, so Kurt breathes a sigh of relief and continues.
“Which is great, because I really like him. But there’s this…thing…with Noah, and now I’m really confused.”
“Okay,” Burt replies, appearing to consider his next question very carefully. “What kind of thing?”
“He came round right before Blaine picked me up and told me he had feelings for me,” Kurt admits, blushing at the memory.
“Noah said that?” The shock on Burt’s face would be comical if Kurt weren’t in such a wretched mood. “I didn’t even know he was gay.” If he has any opinion on who he’d rather Kurt date, he doesn’t show it.
“He’s not,” Kurt replies. “He doesn’t know what he is. That’s the problem.”
“Right,” Burt says, reaching for his coffee again. “So, what did you tell him?”
“That I couldn’t wait around for him when I have a chance to be happy with Blaine. What if I give Noah time and he decides he doesn’t want me after all? Blaine is out and proud. I don’t have to sit around and wait for him to have an identity crisis and work out what he wants, because he already knows.”
“That’s great, Kurt. But do you like him more than you like Noah?”
“I don’t know!” Kurt exclaims, throwing his hands up in exasperation at the one question he’d been dreading.
Burt remains silent, studying his son with concern but knowing better than to push him into elaborating.
“I thought I knew who Noah Puckerman was,” Kurt remarks, his voice back to its usual volume. “And now I’m getting to know this completely new, incredibly attractive person and I’m starting to wonder whether I only chose Blaine because I was comparing him to the old Puck.”
“I can’t answer that for you,” Burt replies. “But I want you to remember that you’re still young, Kurt. You have your whole life to find the right person. Now, I’m not suggesting you should go out and have as many boyfriends as you can, but I do think you need to stop being so scared of making a mistake.”
Kurt nods slowly.
“Look at it this way: can you guarantee that you’ll only ever want one boy for the rest of your life?” Burt asks.
“No,” Kurt admits.
“Then why are you asking it of Puck?”
*
His father’s words give Kurt plenty to think about, but by Wednesday he’s still no closer to finding an answer. All the certainty he’d felt on the weekend seems to have evaporated, and even the daily texts he’s been receiving from Blaine aren’t enough to restore his unwavering belief that he’s made the right decision. Puck treats him the same as he has done for the past month or so. They sit together in a couple of classes and work on ideas for Glee when they should be mapping the geographical features of South America. They smile at each other when they pass in the hall. Puck doesn’t kiss a single Cheerio. He sings a duet with Rachel though, and whilst Kurt isn’t worried that there’s anything going on between them, it does make him wonder whether Puck has abandoned his re-evaluation of his sexuality for the sake of keeping things simple. Once the thought has entered Kurt’s head he finds it almost impossible to think about anything else. By Friday, the torment has become unbearable. He simply has to know.
And so he finds himself standing on Noah Puckerman’s doorstep at eight o’clock at night, trying to will himself to grow some balls and ring the doorbell. He’s just raising his hand when the door suddenly swings open, and he finds himself face to face with Puck, who looks confused, but also rather pleased to see him.
“Kurt? What are you doing here?”
“How did you know it was me?”
“I saw your car through the kitchen window,” Puck replies, nodding his head in the direction of the Navigator.
“Oh,” Kurt says dumbly. “Right.”
“Can I help you?” Puck asks, after a moment’s awkward silence.
“Can we talk?”
“Okay,” Puck replies, though he doesn’t sound too keen on the idea. “We’ll have to go somewhere else though. My ma’s had a bad day and if we go inside she’ll bitch at me for not telling her you were coming over.”
“Where do you want to go?”
“Let’s just walk,” Puck suggests, calling out a goodbye to his mother and slipping out of the front door before she can tell him not to go.
Kurt falls into step beside Puck, but says nothing until they reach the end of Puck’s street, despite the expectant looks that are being sent his way.
“I need to ask you something,” Kurt begins.
Puck makes a noncommittal noise.
“Have you given any more thought to your sexuality? You said you wanted some time to figure it out, and I just wondered…”
From the startled look on Puck’s face it is clear that he wasn’t expecting the question.
“I know it’s none of my business,” Kurt says quickly. “But I’m willing to offer you a piece of personal information in return.”
Puck looks intrigued. “You first,” he insists.
They halt as a car goes by before crossing the road. Kurt uses the time to gather himself and push his fears to the back of his mind. “I’m not sure I made the right decision the other day,” he confesses as they turn into the park.
“The right decision about?” Puck queries, and Kurt senses the same hesitation he’d felt the other day when he asked Puck if they were still friends.
“About you and Blaine,” Kurt confirms. He risks a glance at Puck and finds that the other boy is smiling a careful smile.
“Can I ask why?”
“I thought I was taking the safer option. The one who was least likely to hurt me,” Kurt offers. He hadn’t planned on explaining himself just yet, but something about the cautious optimism on Puck’s face makes him want to. “But wanting Blaine…that’s like wanting the moon. I was being unrealistic.”
Much to Kurt’s surprise, the smile falls from Puck’s face.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
“I’m fucking tired of being the second choice,” Puck spits bitterly, the change in his mood evident immediately. His fingers clench at his side and his jaw is set in a hard line. This is the Puck Kurt knows: resentful, angry, and a little bit dangerous.
“What?” Kurt demands. “I’ve just told you I’m reconsidering my decision because of you, how does that make you the second choice?”
“You’ve just told me that you’re only choosing me because you’re too fucking scared to go after the guy you really want,” Puck says angrily. “If you choose Blaine and things go badly you end up with your heart broken. But if you choose me, and I screw up like you’re probably counting on me to do, then you get to walk away with your heart in tact and you can look back on it all as practice for when you get a real boyfriend.”
Kurt stops dead, wrapping his arms around himself and blinking back the tears that are threatening to fall. “Why are you being such a dick? I never said anything like that.”
“I’m just reading between the lines,” Puck argues.
“For fuck’s sake,” Kurt exclaims. “I went home and thought about what you said the other day and I realised that I haven’t been giving you enough credit. You’re a great guy, Noah. That’s what made me change my mind. It’s got nothing to do with being scared.”
“Well it should,” Puck growls. “If you’re not scared then you don’t want it enough.”
“I’m so confused,” Kurt whispers, so quietly he’s surprised Puck even hears it.
“I know,” Puck replies, his own voice softening. “Me too.”
“What do I do?” Kurt asks, looking at mournfully at Puck.
“Come here,” Puck urges, opening his arms and walking slowly towards Kurt.
Kurt allows himself to be wrapped into Puck’s embrace, taking comfort from the strength of Puck’s arms around him and the rhythmic thumping of his heart. They’ve never been this close before.
“It’s okay,” Puck says soothingly. “No one’s asking you to make a decision right now.” He shifts so that Kurt can lay his head on his shoulder. “You obviously still have a lot of thinking to do. Talk to Blaine. Explain the situation to him, if you haven’t already. If he cares about you like I do, he’ll wait.”
Puck keeps his arm wrapped around Kurt’s waist the entire way back, and Kurt feels more at ease than he has done all week.
*
Puck stares at the page in front of him, the words as much of a mystery now as they were the first time he read them. It has been three weeks since the night at the park, and all he can think about is Kurt. It’s not even really about wondering whether he’s made a decision or not; it’s worrying how Kurt is coping with having to make the decision in the first place. Kurt can come off as kind of a bitch sometimes, but he’s not a bad guy. Puck knows it’s going to hurt him having to make his choice all over again. At the same time, there’s a part of him that does a small victory dance every time Kurt talks to him and doesn’t tell him he’s chosen Blaine. Because that has to mean he’s still in with a chance, right?
“Hold up, hold up,” Azimio says loudly, drawing the attention of the whole class. “I ain’t reading anything that was written by a homo,” he states, eyeing his unopened copy of The Picture of Dorian Gray as though it might jump up and try to kiss him at any moment.
Puck scowls, and he automatically glances around for Kurt before remembering that he is off sick today. He’s beginning to understand what it must have been like for Kurt, all those years of defending yourself for something that shouldn’t even be an issue. It hasn’t taken him long to accept the fact that he is bisexual, at the very least, but even without the years of prejudice that Kurt has suffered, he already feels tired of pricks like Azimio.
“You got a problem, Puckerman?” Karofsky challenges, catching the look of disgust on Puck’s face.
“You mean besides the fact that you’re both homophobic assholes?”
“Language, Puckerman,” Mr. Jennings remarks, sounding utterly bored of the whole exchange. Puck waits for him to reprimand Azimio and is only half-surprised when he doesn’t.
“Sounds like someone’s getting a bit defensive,” Azimio remarks, smirking at Karofsky.
“Hardly surprising. We all know how much Puckerman loves the fags these days,” Karofsky replies, his eyes glittering maliciously. “I’d watch out if I were you,” he says, turning to Puck. “I hear that shit’s contagious.”
“I didn’t catch it,” Puck growls, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he can stop them. “I was born this way.”
There’s a moment of stunned silence, and then all hell breaks loose.
Pairing: Puck/Kurt, very slight Kurt/Blaine
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A newly reconciled Burt and Finn set about finding the one thing that will make their new family complete: a boyfriend for Kurt.
Author's Notes: This is my version of Blaine. I'm aware that he isn't quite canon!Blaine but I hope you'll forgive me.
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. The events within are entirely fictional.
Word Count: 3606
Previous Parts: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven
Kurt knows exactly what to expect on Monday morning. He knows that Puck will be out to prove how little he cares about Kurt rejecting him, and that it most likely means the end of their truce. He is prepared for having to watch Puck shove his tongue down the throat of the nearest Cheerio whenever Kurt is around, in an attempt to get him to realise what he is missing out on. And whilst the thought might pain him slightly, he is determined not to let it taint the memory of Blaine’s kind eyes and the feel of soft lips against his cheek. He remains content with his decision. If Puck wants to trash their friendship over it, that’s his choice. Kurt managed perfectly well without Puck’s friendship before. He’s more than capable of living without it again.
Except that he doesn’t really want to. Being friends with Puck has brought a kind of balance to Kurt’s life that he hadn’t realised he was missing. He still hangs out with his girls almost every weekend, but he also gets invited to movie night with the boys. And he enjoys it. He actually enjoys pigging out on pizza and watching terrible action movies, complete with Sam’s impressions and Artie’s casually sexist commentary. He doesn’t mind skipping his nightly skincare routine, or sleeping on the floor with Mike kicking him in his sleep. He doesn’t even mind being laughed at in the morning, his hair sticking out in all directions and a thin red line down the side of his face from where the pillow had creased beneath him.
That’s not to say it wasn’t weird at first. His sexuality becomes the elephant in the room; something that everyone avoids mentioning for fear of offending him. Then they watch Troy, and Puck asks Kurt for his expert opinion on who has the best legs, Brad Pitt or Orlando Bloom. Pretty soon, they are all weighing in on the debate as easily as if they were talking about Angelina Jolie or Megan Fox. Kurt doesn’t feel so nervous after that, and Guys Night becomes one of the few places where it’s not just okay for Kurt to be gay, but it’s okay for him to talk about it too.
Some day, he’ll think of a way to thank Puck for giving him that.
As he steps out of his car, Kurt scans the McKinley parking lot for Mercedes. Facing Puck would be a lot easier with his best friend by his side, but she is nowhere to be seen, and Kurt is in danger of being late to his first class. He contemplates skipping the lockers entirely; only he’d rather not start his week by getting in trouble for not bringing his math book. Besides, he has to see Puck eventually. He might as well get it over and done with.
Even with the throng of students crowding the hall, Kurt spots Puck immediately. The other boy is leaning against the locker next to Kurt’s, quite clearly waiting for him. He’s also alone. And when his eyes fall on Kurt, he smiles.
“So,” Puck says quietly when Kurt reaches his locker. “How did it go?”
The question catches Kurt off guard. At no point did he imagine that Puck would willingly bring up anything about the weekend.
“Good,” he replies shortly, focussing intently on the task of retrieving his books so as to avoid having to look Puck in the eye. The last time he’d done that he’d seen hurt far beyond what he’d previously believed the other boy capable of feeling, and he’d been the one to put it there. “It was good.”
“Good?” Puck scoffs. “You got that excited for good? He must have been a bit of a letdown.”
The dig at Blaine riles Kurt, and his plan not to let Puck affect him proves to be entirely unrealistic. “It was better than good,” he hisses, risking eye contact to glare at Puck. “It was the best weekend of my life.”
The smile Puck gives him in return may be a little forced, but when he speaks his voice is sincere. “That’s more like it. I’m happy for you. You got to hear him sing, right? What’s he like?”
Kurt just stares at him.
Puck rolls his eyes. “I hate pity, okay,” he says, and for a minute Kurt thinks that is all he is going to get by way of an explanation. “You made your decision. You don’t have to pretend you’re not happy about it for my sake. I can deal. If you think he can make you happy, you should go for it.”
“So…we’re still friends?” Kurt asks tentatively, needing to hear Puck say the words before he’ll believe it.
“And I thought Finn was the dumb one,” Puck drawls, nudging him lightly.
Kurt chooses to interpret that as a yes.
And then immediately feels guilty for underestimating Puck yet again. It seems like no matter how many times Puck proves that he isn’t, Kurt has trouble thinking of him as anything other than the moronic, juvenile bully he’d so long hated him for being. Kurt likes to think of himself as a fairly rational person, so the fact that he refuses to accept that Puck is a decent guy, despite the overwhelming evidence, both fascinates and frustrates him.
It takes him until halfway through first period to stop analysing Puck’s behaviour long enough to take issue with his words.
“Why don’t you think Blaine will make me happy?” he asks, leaning over on the pretence of helping Puck with a math problem.
“What?”
“Earlier you said I should go for it if I think Blaine can make me happy. That suggest that you don’t think he can.”
Puck scribbles down an equation as the teacher passes by their desks, and continues to gaze at it long after he has moved on. Kurt gets the distinct impression that Puck is stalling, and he frowns. If Puck wants to be his friend he’s going to have to participate in conversations like this, whether he likes it or not. Especially as he is one of the few people who know about Blaine, and the only one Kurt really feels comfortable talking to about it.
“Blaine is the kind of guy who could make anyone happy,” Puck says eventually.
“But?” Kurt pushes.
“He’s rich and he’s sophisticated,” Puck states, keeping his eyes fixed on his paper. “Being with him would make you feel a hell of a lot more special than being with some loser jock. It’s not hard to see why you chose him.”
“You think I chose Blaine because he’s rich?” Kurt asks, his lip curling into a scowl.
“No,” Puck replies. “I think you chose him because you think it means you matter more. Blaine’s a man of taste, so if he likes you it would prove once and for all that you really are better than all of us.”
“You really think I’m that shallow? That I would choose Blaine just because of what other people would think of me if I was dating him?”
“I didn’t say it was shallow. Hell, I think the same thing about you,” Puck retorts. “And I think you chose Blaine because he’s everything you’ve wanted ever since you were old enough to want a boyfriend. He’s Prince Fucking Charming. But you haven’t stopped to think that you’re not the same little boy you were when you let all those fantasies into your head.”
“It’s not a crime to want to be treated well,” Kurt argues.
“Never said it was. Look, I think Blaine would treat you like a prince, and you’d love it. For a while. But then you’d want to be treated like a real person again and he wouldn’t know how to do it because he’s got you up on some fucking pedestal. You told me that I could never understand you the way he does, but you’ve got it the wrong way around. Okay, so I don’t know what it’s like to be openly gay in high school, but I do know how it feels to be punished for being yourself.”
Kurt opens his mouth to protest, but the image of Puck being slushied comes to his mind and he closes it again.
“Blaine can sit there in his precious school, protected by their precious little anti-bullying policy, and he can dream of moving to New York and LA with you, but he will never understand just how much you need to get out of here. He will never appreciate how hard it has been for you, how strong you have to be to have come through it.”
“And you do appreciate it?” Kurt asks, forcing the words past the ugly lump that has formed in his throat. “You think you could make me happier than Blaine?”
Puck shrugs. “Maybe. Maybe not.”
“You do realise that for a long time you were one of the things I had to fight?”
“And I’ve apologised for it. I’m trying to make amends. If you’re going to hold that against me for the rest of our lives than there’s no way I could make you happy.”
“You’ve been thinking about this a lot, haven’t you,” Kurt remarks shrewdly, and he can’t help but smirk when he sees Puck blush slightly.
“I had a lot of free time this weekend,” Puck mumbles, turning back to his paper and refusing to speak to Kurt for the rest of the lesson.
*
Kurt is well aware that one of his worst faults is his refusal to listen when the words aren’t something he wants to hear. So when his chat with Puck leaves him feeling unsettled rather than excited about his relationship with Blaine, he takes the first opportunity he has to get a second opinion.
“Hey dad,” Kurt says, slipping into his father’s office with two cups of steaming hot coffee. “Can I talk to you?”
“Of course,” Burt replies, looking up from his paperwork and motioning for Kurt to sit down. “Is everything okay?”
“It’s about Blaine,” Kurt answers, settling in to the least dirty of the three armchairs he has to choose from.
“That’s the kid you went to Dalton with, right? The smiley one?”
“Yes.”
They both take a sip of their coffee.
“When he dropped me off, he asked me to go out on a date with him some time,” Kurt explains.
Burt raises an eyebrow, but he doesn’t look angry, so Kurt breathes a sigh of relief and continues.
“Which is great, because I really like him. But there’s this…thing…with Noah, and now I’m really confused.”
“Okay,” Burt replies, appearing to consider his next question very carefully. “What kind of thing?”
“He came round right before Blaine picked me up and told me he had feelings for me,” Kurt admits, blushing at the memory.
“Noah said that?” The shock on Burt’s face would be comical if Kurt weren’t in such a wretched mood. “I didn’t even know he was gay.” If he has any opinion on who he’d rather Kurt date, he doesn’t show it.
“He’s not,” Kurt replies. “He doesn’t know what he is. That’s the problem.”
“Right,” Burt says, reaching for his coffee again. “So, what did you tell him?”
“That I couldn’t wait around for him when I have a chance to be happy with Blaine. What if I give Noah time and he decides he doesn’t want me after all? Blaine is out and proud. I don’t have to sit around and wait for him to have an identity crisis and work out what he wants, because he already knows.”
“That’s great, Kurt. But do you like him more than you like Noah?”
“I don’t know!” Kurt exclaims, throwing his hands up in exasperation at the one question he’d been dreading.
Burt remains silent, studying his son with concern but knowing better than to push him into elaborating.
“I thought I knew who Noah Puckerman was,” Kurt remarks, his voice back to its usual volume. “And now I’m getting to know this completely new, incredibly attractive person and I’m starting to wonder whether I only chose Blaine because I was comparing him to the old Puck.”
“I can’t answer that for you,” Burt replies. “But I want you to remember that you’re still young, Kurt. You have your whole life to find the right person. Now, I’m not suggesting you should go out and have as many boyfriends as you can, but I do think you need to stop being so scared of making a mistake.”
Kurt nods slowly.
“Look at it this way: can you guarantee that you’ll only ever want one boy for the rest of your life?” Burt asks.
“No,” Kurt admits.
“Then why are you asking it of Puck?”
*
His father’s words give Kurt plenty to think about, but by Wednesday he’s still no closer to finding an answer. All the certainty he’d felt on the weekend seems to have evaporated, and even the daily texts he’s been receiving from Blaine aren’t enough to restore his unwavering belief that he’s made the right decision. Puck treats him the same as he has done for the past month or so. They sit together in a couple of classes and work on ideas for Glee when they should be mapping the geographical features of South America. They smile at each other when they pass in the hall. Puck doesn’t kiss a single Cheerio. He sings a duet with Rachel though, and whilst Kurt isn’t worried that there’s anything going on between them, it does make him wonder whether Puck has abandoned his re-evaluation of his sexuality for the sake of keeping things simple. Once the thought has entered Kurt’s head he finds it almost impossible to think about anything else. By Friday, the torment has become unbearable. He simply has to know.
And so he finds himself standing on Noah Puckerman’s doorstep at eight o’clock at night, trying to will himself to grow some balls and ring the doorbell. He’s just raising his hand when the door suddenly swings open, and he finds himself face to face with Puck, who looks confused, but also rather pleased to see him.
“Kurt? What are you doing here?”
“How did you know it was me?”
“I saw your car through the kitchen window,” Puck replies, nodding his head in the direction of the Navigator.
“Oh,” Kurt says dumbly. “Right.”
“Can I help you?” Puck asks, after a moment’s awkward silence.
“Can we talk?”
“Okay,” Puck replies, though he doesn’t sound too keen on the idea. “We’ll have to go somewhere else though. My ma’s had a bad day and if we go inside she’ll bitch at me for not telling her you were coming over.”
“Where do you want to go?”
“Let’s just walk,” Puck suggests, calling out a goodbye to his mother and slipping out of the front door before she can tell him not to go.
Kurt falls into step beside Puck, but says nothing until they reach the end of Puck’s street, despite the expectant looks that are being sent his way.
“I need to ask you something,” Kurt begins.
Puck makes a noncommittal noise.
“Have you given any more thought to your sexuality? You said you wanted some time to figure it out, and I just wondered…”
From the startled look on Puck’s face it is clear that he wasn’t expecting the question.
“I know it’s none of my business,” Kurt says quickly. “But I’m willing to offer you a piece of personal information in return.”
Puck looks intrigued. “You first,” he insists.
They halt as a car goes by before crossing the road. Kurt uses the time to gather himself and push his fears to the back of his mind. “I’m not sure I made the right decision the other day,” he confesses as they turn into the park.
“The right decision about?” Puck queries, and Kurt senses the same hesitation he’d felt the other day when he asked Puck if they were still friends.
“About you and Blaine,” Kurt confirms. He risks a glance at Puck and finds that the other boy is smiling a careful smile.
“Can I ask why?”
“I thought I was taking the safer option. The one who was least likely to hurt me,” Kurt offers. He hadn’t planned on explaining himself just yet, but something about the cautious optimism on Puck’s face makes him want to. “But wanting Blaine…that’s like wanting the moon. I was being unrealistic.”
Much to Kurt’s surprise, the smile falls from Puck’s face.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
“I’m fucking tired of being the second choice,” Puck spits bitterly, the change in his mood evident immediately. His fingers clench at his side and his jaw is set in a hard line. This is the Puck Kurt knows: resentful, angry, and a little bit dangerous.
“What?” Kurt demands. “I’ve just told you I’m reconsidering my decision because of you, how does that make you the second choice?”
“You’ve just told me that you’re only choosing me because you’re too fucking scared to go after the guy you really want,” Puck says angrily. “If you choose Blaine and things go badly you end up with your heart broken. But if you choose me, and I screw up like you’re probably counting on me to do, then you get to walk away with your heart in tact and you can look back on it all as practice for when you get a real boyfriend.”
Kurt stops dead, wrapping his arms around himself and blinking back the tears that are threatening to fall. “Why are you being such a dick? I never said anything like that.”
“I’m just reading between the lines,” Puck argues.
“For fuck’s sake,” Kurt exclaims. “I went home and thought about what you said the other day and I realised that I haven’t been giving you enough credit. You’re a great guy, Noah. That’s what made me change my mind. It’s got nothing to do with being scared.”
“Well it should,” Puck growls. “If you’re not scared then you don’t want it enough.”
“I’m so confused,” Kurt whispers, so quietly he’s surprised Puck even hears it.
“I know,” Puck replies, his own voice softening. “Me too.”
“What do I do?” Kurt asks, looking at mournfully at Puck.
“Come here,” Puck urges, opening his arms and walking slowly towards Kurt.
Kurt allows himself to be wrapped into Puck’s embrace, taking comfort from the strength of Puck’s arms around him and the rhythmic thumping of his heart. They’ve never been this close before.
“It’s okay,” Puck says soothingly. “No one’s asking you to make a decision right now.” He shifts so that Kurt can lay his head on his shoulder. “You obviously still have a lot of thinking to do. Talk to Blaine. Explain the situation to him, if you haven’t already. If he cares about you like I do, he’ll wait.”
Puck keeps his arm wrapped around Kurt’s waist the entire way back, and Kurt feels more at ease than he has done all week.
*
Puck stares at the page in front of him, the words as much of a mystery now as they were the first time he read them. It has been three weeks since the night at the park, and all he can think about is Kurt. It’s not even really about wondering whether he’s made a decision or not; it’s worrying how Kurt is coping with having to make the decision in the first place. Kurt can come off as kind of a bitch sometimes, but he’s not a bad guy. Puck knows it’s going to hurt him having to make his choice all over again. At the same time, there’s a part of him that does a small victory dance every time Kurt talks to him and doesn’t tell him he’s chosen Blaine. Because that has to mean he’s still in with a chance, right?
“Hold up, hold up,” Azimio says loudly, drawing the attention of the whole class. “I ain’t reading anything that was written by a homo,” he states, eyeing his unopened copy of The Picture of Dorian Gray as though it might jump up and try to kiss him at any moment.
Puck scowls, and he automatically glances around for Kurt before remembering that he is off sick today. He’s beginning to understand what it must have been like for Kurt, all those years of defending yourself for something that shouldn’t even be an issue. It hasn’t taken him long to accept the fact that he is bisexual, at the very least, but even without the years of prejudice that Kurt has suffered, he already feels tired of pricks like Azimio.
“You got a problem, Puckerman?” Karofsky challenges, catching the look of disgust on Puck’s face.
“You mean besides the fact that you’re both homophobic assholes?”
“Language, Puckerman,” Mr. Jennings remarks, sounding utterly bored of the whole exchange. Puck waits for him to reprimand Azimio and is only half-surprised when he doesn’t.
“Sounds like someone’s getting a bit defensive,” Azimio remarks, smirking at Karofsky.
“Hardly surprising. We all know how much Puckerman loves the fags these days,” Karofsky replies, his eyes glittering maliciously. “I’d watch out if I were you,” he says, turning to Puck. “I hear that shit’s contagious.”
“I didn’t catch it,” Puck growls, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he can stop them. “I was born this way.”
There’s a moment of stunned silence, and then all hell breaks loose.