The Worst Is Over
I think.
About 2 weeks ago, went on a trip to TN to mail back my things, see family and friends, get the divorce papers signed, say goodbye to my cats, and (I thought) to Mike Cook. I came down dreadfully ill the day before and stayed sick as a dog for the entire trip.
But now I'm DONE. Tomorrow I take the divorce papers to the courthouse. Sure, there will probably be some emotional fallout in the next few months, and I wish I had someone to go with me tomorrow for emotional support, but I'm pretty certain that all of the really hard tasks are complete.
Which leaves me room to begin admitting how fucking hard moving and starting the divorce was. I pulled through it with a lot more equanimity, wisdom and emotional strength than my 5 years of unchecked, suicidal depression, but it was about on par for difficulty. Even though some of my nearest and dearest turned on me and really hurt me, I was still really lucky and had lots of support from the most wonderful man, local and extended family, my social worker (along with the the Dawn team), and many fantastic friends. (Pretty sure I've been good about acknowledging them along the way, but here's an extra Thank You.)
While I was going through it, I couldn't really think about how tough it was. Barely wrote in my journal at all. Putting the words down usually gives me a more objective perspective. Instead, I had to keep telling myself that it wasn't too bad, and everybody goes through rough parts in their life. Not to mention that, along with all the sorrow and pain, I had access to more happiness than had been possible for years. So I made it. Shockingly smoothly -- considering.
My mood is a bit changeable today. Got really frustrated around 2-ish. I'm not quite as physically well as I thought and was feeling too weak to want to do much of anything. Also peeved at a friend. The particulars of that situation are between me and them and won't be discussed here. Had a very short cry (tend to choose when to indulge in that very carefully) and was comforted by the Bug, a.k.a Peabody Butticus Maximus (Michael's cat).
Feeling better, though still not gung-ho for going downstairs to fetch my last couple of TN packages or going grocery shopping. REALLY need to do some more job-hunting too. Barely did anything on that front today, and none yesterday. Not feeling quite so weak though, and that's good.
At some point, I really want to tell you about how amazingly fantastically splendorous my Christmas and New Year's were. They were wonderful. How come I don't spend more time telling you all about the good things? Maybe it's because I'm too busy enjoying them when they happen. ^_~ ;P
About 2 weeks ago, went on a trip to TN to mail back my things, see family and friends, get the divorce papers signed, say goodbye to my cats, and (I thought) to Mike Cook. I came down dreadfully ill the day before and stayed sick as a dog for the entire trip.
But now I'm DONE. Tomorrow I take the divorce papers to the courthouse. Sure, there will probably be some emotional fallout in the next few months, and I wish I had someone to go with me tomorrow for emotional support, but I'm pretty certain that all of the really hard tasks are complete.
Which leaves me room to begin admitting how fucking hard moving and starting the divorce was. I pulled through it with a lot more equanimity, wisdom and emotional strength than my 5 years of unchecked, suicidal depression, but it was about on par for difficulty. Even though some of my nearest and dearest turned on me and really hurt me, I was still really lucky and had lots of support from the most wonderful man, local and extended family, my social worker (along with the the Dawn team), and many fantastic friends. (Pretty sure I've been good about acknowledging them along the way, but here's an extra Thank You.)
While I was going through it, I couldn't really think about how tough it was. Barely wrote in my journal at all. Putting the words down usually gives me a more objective perspective. Instead, I had to keep telling myself that it wasn't too bad, and everybody goes through rough parts in their life. Not to mention that, along with all the sorrow and pain, I had access to more happiness than had been possible for years. So I made it. Shockingly smoothly -- considering.
My mood is a bit changeable today. Got really frustrated around 2-ish. I'm not quite as physically well as I thought and was feeling too weak to want to do much of anything. Also peeved at a friend. The particulars of that situation are between me and them and won't be discussed here. Had a very short cry (tend to choose when to indulge in that very carefully) and was comforted by the Bug, a.k.a Peabody Butticus Maximus (Michael's cat).
Feeling better, though still not gung-ho for going downstairs to fetch my last couple of TN packages or going grocery shopping. REALLY need to do some more job-hunting too. Barely did anything on that front today, and none yesterday. Not feeling quite so weak though, and that's good.
At some point, I really want to tell you about how amazingly fantastically splendorous my Christmas and New Year's were. They were wonderful. How come I don't spend more time telling you all about the good things? Maybe it's because I'm too busy enjoying them when they happen. ^_~ ;P