(no subject)
I hate life right now. You have no idea.
Something is wrong with me. I don't know what. Dad pointed it out.
I've changed. I went from being always happy and upbeat to.. well, the reason I felt sick wasn't what I said. I know why I was sick to my stomach. Because my left wrist has cuts on it and I have no long sleeve shirts right now and the watch and bracelet won't hide it. And that made me sick. What makes me sicker is that I think if I had a gun right now I would shoot myself.
I need help. I don't know what kind but I need help.
I have to finish math and get above 80% or I'm gone from Carroll. And me and math don't mix. I'll be lucky if I get 60%. And I have to do the same in Science. And LA. And Social.
And right now Carroll is the only damned thing keeping me here.
Not my friends. I feel aweful saying that but it's true. Right now I feel like I have no friends. I know I have friends. Friends who love me. But that's not what my mind is telling me.
I don't know what it is but something is killing me and I don't know how to make it better. I don't know how to make it go away.
I wish to God that I could explain what it is but I can't.
I've pushed everyone and everything that I loved away and I don't know why.
In the locker room yesterday I got to thinking. I just.. got tired of being how I was, how I still seem. Some people don't realize how much easier it is to be depressed. When you're depressed people expect it of you. And if you're happy, it's like a bonus. Nice. Low expectations. But when you're a happy person people expect you to always be happy. If you're sad they get sad, and try to make you happy again. And then you get stuck with always making yourself seem happy. And it turns into a vicious cycle that you can't escape.
Even while I'm writing this I have to physically stop myself from dragging my nails down my wrist. Or the safety pin on the desk.
And I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost.
I promised myself that i would never be like this. But it's killing me.
My parents telling me that my life is screwed if I don't get perfect marks. My dad threatening me to get his kind of marks, to get genius marks. My mother telling me that I need to learn to do math. My sister telling me to die. My coach telling me to swim faster, shoot harder. My friends telling me to cheer up. Water Polo people ignoring me.
Water Polo.. I spent 1 hour afetr I got to practice in the change room crying, three Polo-ites walked by and didn't even say "Hi." I spent 45 minutes spriting up and down in the pool crying. Not even a hello.
All of this.
I'm crashing and burning.
The breakup with Geoffy. Allie going to Francis. Being told I have to do better. To be better. Friends trying to assure me things will be alright. Gido dying. Blair completely ditching us. People hitting me. Mom forcing me to go to the gym. My favorite bracelet breaking and me not being able to find all the pieces. Friends getting together without me. TV. Media. Me. Myself.
God.
Help.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I wish Graeme were online. Maybe he'd go for a walk.
This was going to be the best year of my life. I honestly believed it would be. I'd make tons of new friends, and wow my parents by finally being what they want me to be. Finally being pretty. Finally being smart. Finally having them acknowledge me for just being me. Do good in Water Polo, win Nationals, get a job and some money. Finally meet the NPers.
Well. It's all shot straight to hell.
My life is hell. And I don't know how to fix it.
I have so many things I want to take back. So many stupid things. But I can't and it hurts.
It hurts so much. The hurting won't stop. It's times like this that there seems to be only one way to end the hurting. Only one.
Oh godohgodohgod. Help me. Please. I need it so much.
So.. now you all know how fucked up Meg really is. How much she hates herself. How much she wishes she were dead.
I don't know how many of my friends will hate me for this, but it needed to be said or else you would have all found out in a much worse way.
Something is wrong with me. I don't know what. Dad pointed it out.
I've changed. I went from being always happy and upbeat to.. well, the reason I felt sick wasn't what I said. I know why I was sick to my stomach. Because my left wrist has cuts on it and I have no long sleeve shirts right now and the watch and bracelet won't hide it. And that made me sick. What makes me sicker is that I think if I had a gun right now I would shoot myself.
I need help. I don't know what kind but I need help.
I have to finish math and get above 80% or I'm gone from Carroll. And me and math don't mix. I'll be lucky if I get 60%. And I have to do the same in Science. And LA. And Social.
And right now Carroll is the only damned thing keeping me here.
Not my friends. I feel aweful saying that but it's true. Right now I feel like I have no friends. I know I have friends. Friends who love me. But that's not what my mind is telling me.
I don't know what it is but something is killing me and I don't know how to make it better. I don't know how to make it go away.
I wish to God that I could explain what it is but I can't.
I've pushed everyone and everything that I loved away and I don't know why.
In the locker room yesterday I got to thinking. I just.. got tired of being how I was, how I still seem. Some people don't realize how much easier it is to be depressed. When you're depressed people expect it of you. And if you're happy, it's like a bonus. Nice. Low expectations. But when you're a happy person people expect you to always be happy. If you're sad they get sad, and try to make you happy again. And then you get stuck with always making yourself seem happy. And it turns into a vicious cycle that you can't escape.
Even while I'm writing this I have to physically stop myself from dragging my nails down my wrist. Or the safety pin on the desk.
And I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost.
I promised myself that i would never be like this. But it's killing me.
My parents telling me that my life is screwed if I don't get perfect marks. My dad threatening me to get his kind of marks, to get genius marks. My mother telling me that I need to learn to do math. My sister telling me to die. My coach telling me to swim faster, shoot harder. My friends telling me to cheer up. Water Polo people ignoring me.
Water Polo.. I spent 1 hour afetr I got to practice in the change room crying, three Polo-ites walked by and didn't even say "Hi." I spent 45 minutes spriting up and down in the pool crying. Not even a hello.
All of this.
I'm crashing and burning.
The breakup with Geoffy. Allie going to Francis. Being told I have to do better. To be better. Friends trying to assure me things will be alright. Gido dying. Blair completely ditching us. People hitting me. Mom forcing me to go to the gym. My favorite bracelet breaking and me not being able to find all the pieces. Friends getting together without me. TV. Media. Me. Myself.
God.
Help.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I wish Graeme were online. Maybe he'd go for a walk.
This was going to be the best year of my life. I honestly believed it would be. I'd make tons of new friends, and wow my parents by finally being what they want me to be. Finally being pretty. Finally being smart. Finally having them acknowledge me for just being me. Do good in Water Polo, win Nationals, get a job and some money. Finally meet the NPers.
Well. It's all shot straight to hell.
My life is hell. And I don't know how to fix it.
I have so many things I want to take back. So many stupid things. But I can't and it hurts.
It hurts so much. The hurting won't stop. It's times like this that there seems to be only one way to end the hurting. Only one.
Oh godohgodohgod. Help me. Please. I need it so much.
So.. now you all know how fucked up Meg really is. How much she hates herself. How much she wishes she were dead.
I don't know how many of my friends will hate me for this, but it needed to be said or else you would have all found out in a much worse way.