summer days
if i could i'd let time stand still so i could at least
figure out somethings that have been bothering me for a while
like boys and college and life--
sometimes i wake up and i can feel the darkness and i get so
scared that i can't breathe my chest just gets too tight and i am
too weak to fight back-i hate that feeling
it's irregular but it still happens so i guess i'm still afraid(?)
this weekend i went up to my cousins camp and i went tubbing and i kind of got a tan. i ate a real nice dinner and then went over to livie's and i'm still here. we watched "The Man Who Fell to Earth" with David Bowie, but i fell asleep in the middle of it. this morning i woke up late and me and liv talked for a long, long time about religion. i hate it sometimes, only because no one is ever right and no one is ever wrong and in the end what if it does matter? what if i get stuck? so i took a long shower and we went out and i got dressed up and i felt good. really good.
my friends are so smart. i sometimes wish i could meet a man who was the same way, but that's kind of impossible isn't it?
purchase is on wednesday. i don't know what to expect so i'm no expecting anything. i know there will be snotty stupid kids around and i just hope i don't get stuck with them. i want to be above these people for once because i've been dealing with them since middle school and god damn do i wanna look GOOD and feel GOOD and just be so nice that my smile just breaks their faces open. i can only be who i am. i am not afraid of this. hopefully there will be someone there to talk about art and culture and fucking david bowie.
i know in my heart i can never replace the people that i have in my life right now.
the term 'college friends' does not mean anything to me today.
maybe not ever.
this is where my heart is and this is where my heart will always be.
for the rest of my life i will be on vacation...i can not wait until SC with the sun, the beach and the babybaby cousins running around my legs. life is good.
at least today i am not afraid.