(no subject)
*Paul, you might not want to read this. it may upset you, it might not. Just thought i'd let you know.*
Yes, this entry is going to be pretty sensitive and emo.
No, I don't care if this makes me an emo attention-seeking-bitch, because it's staying public.
If you're not a part of my life, don't know who i am, don't care who i am and are just being a nosey fuck-witt with nothing better to do, i suggest you go and surf the net for some porn and fuck off in a corner for a wank.
The only people who're not going think I'm an emo attention-seeking-bitch are the ones who do genuinly care, who want to know what's going on in my head right now and who're a big part of my life.
A lot of my friends don't have livejournal, which is why i can't post this under Friends. They need to know what's going on.
My Aunty's died.
Monday I went to college in the morning, stayed all afternoon until 6, then went straight to Newport and stayed out until 11. I hadn't been home all day.
I went into n'port to meet Matt and we had a good chat about stuff. Then Nathan gave me a lift to the Beaufort centre so i could talk to Pete's fencing dood about the instructional DVD they want me to do. Ended up in the pub after.
My Dad came to pick me up at 11. I got in the car and he asked me how the evening went and happy-happy-chirpy-normal-chit-chat, then he explained to me that my Aunty Lyn had gone back into hospital. My aunty's had MS fooor ... basically since I can remember. MS effects the signals that go from the brain to the rest of your body. I don't quite know in detail what or how it does it, or why, or whatever, but it effects the whole body. Muscles, eye-sight, imune system, bla. But it has been deteriating for the past 3 or 4 years. She's been disabled and very ill for a long time.
My mam once told me ages ago that she used to love going out on long walks. She also said that she can always remember her wearing mini short skirts and high heels and going out and getting absolutely pissed. Not my mam's words, but you get the idea.
But every time she went into hospital, she was worse than the last time. Every time she came out of hospital she was worse than when she went in. Last year she caught the MRSA bug in hospital, which ... was ... well, bad considering her imune system was shot to pieces.
ANYWAY. My aunty had been taken into hospital with a form of phneumonia [which i can't spell]. The doctors predicted she wouldn't last the week. 48hours tops. It was going to effect her breathing and it was going to give her a heart attack. My uncle didn't want her being resusatated, because the life she had was no life at all. All we could do was wait around for a phone call.
My Dad told me this in the car. All the way home from Caerleon I didn't cry. It had registered, I felt like crying, but just didn't. I physically couldn't. Got home, hugged my mam and started sobbing. I hugged my mam because I felt like she needed a hug more than i did. I know what my mam's like. We had a little chat about things 'n' my mam went off to bed.
Tuesday I felt tired. Not drained, not exhausted, just tired and numb. Carried on with some filming in the morning and then went into college in the afternoon. I didn't want to be there, but when I got home I didn't want to be alone either. I didn't cry Tuesday. I couldn't cry.
Everytime the phone rang I'd be on edge, my heart would jump into my throat and my stomach would turn. But there was no news.
My mam was meant to go to uni that night but came home early. She'd rang my grandparents, and they told her that my aunty wasn't expected to last the night. I asked if we were going to go up and see her but apperently she had no idea where she was, who she was, who was with her, she was finding it so difficult to breath and my mam and my grandparents didn't want me seeing her because they knew it would be so upseting.
Last night I didn't sleep. Technically I did, but this morning at 7 the phone rang and my mam answered it downstairs. All I remember was being sat up in bed, wide awake. I don't remember being asleep, at all. 3 minutes later my mam walked up the stairs, sat on my bed and explained that aunty lyn had died 20minutes ago. My mam was crying but I still couldn't cry. The first person I instinctively rang was Matt. I didn't want to be alone today and I knew that Matt had the afternoon off. I just needed somebody to hang out with, and I knew that hanging out with Matt is the most normal thing I can do.
I rang him up, sounded like I'd woken him up, but apperently I hadn't, then I asked him if he had the afternoon off. I started getting choked up and welling up and he knew something was wrong. I tried explaining that my aunty had died but i just couldn't get my words out. I tried explaining twice before I started sobbing and then told him i'd ring him back.
I got up, got ready and went to college to sort out my UCAS forms. Went into class and only Ellie and Ryan were there. I asked Paul if I could have a word with him, but he was being arsey as he normally is and was telling me to come in, sit down, get comfortable and blaaa. So I just said "I've come into college this morning to sort out my UCAS forms, then i'm going to have to go because my Aunty's died. I have to go to my Grandma's and spend time with the family." He told me not to worry about the UCAS forms, he'd sort them out for me, so I gave him the cheque, went into Viv's room to pick up some story-boards and Viv started talking to me about some footage I need.
By now I was choked up, but still couldn't cry. I just physically couldn't. I was choked up, I felt a little shell-shocked and distressed and confused but I couldn't cry. I sat down and waited for Zoe, because I thought that maybe if I had a hug off her I could cry, because the only time I ever seem to cry, no matter how hard i'm trying not to, is when somebody hugs me. It's my weakness. But Cait came in and there was no Zoe. I asked Cait where she was and something was said, everything's a little grey and hazey, but Cait said "oh you look happy!" and I said "yeah, my aunty died this morning". I love Cait. She was so worried that she might have upset me but it made me giggle! She gave me a hug, but ... you know when you hug someone, there's a huggy, cwtchy close and warm feeling? I felt nothing. I tried hugging tighter, but no, nothing. I didn't cry. I walked out and was choked up and felt a little chlostophobic.
I bumped into Eugene on the way out. Everything was even more grey and hazey and i'm not sure if i made much sense. All I remember thinking was that I had to get to my grandma's because my aunty died. I remember trying to explain this to Eugene but all i remember feeling was confused. He hugged me and was really worried about me, but still, no huggy feeling, no tears, no nothing.
Caught a bus to my grandma's. went in. grandma, grampu and my mam were there. My grandparents were ... not 'chirpy' but they were smiling and lively and ... jittery. I knew that if i was down and upset infront of them, they'd only worry. They tend not to tell me anything just in case it upsets me. Whereas I'd prefer to be told and be upset than not knowing what's going on. But if I was upset infront of them I knew that they would never tell me anything in the future, so I put on a brave face and smiled.
Alun and Paul were there [my cousins]. Julie was there [Alun's fiance]. Alun was quiet. Alun's always been quiet, he's always been this gentle giant. I couldn't quite tell how Alun was taking it. Paul looked devistated. I don't blame him [/you, if you're reading this] but dood, i've never seen anyone like that before. I didn't know where to look. I didn't know what to say, how to react. Pffft!?
5 minutes after I turned up Alun, Paul and Julie left to do some stuff. My mam did the washing up, but I know why she was doing it. The exact same reason I dried the dishes. Not just to be helpful, but for something to do, and to keep busy.
Eventually me, my mam and my grandma went into town. I needed something decent to wear to Aunty Lyn's funeral next week. My grandma had some stuff to do. We went to a jewellers and I picked out a ring i'd like for my 18th. Then my mam and grandma went off to Tesco. I had to wait for half an hour before Matt turned up so I went for some retail therapy. Went into H&M and tried on 6 different tops. two of them looked bogging, one was too small, one was uncomfortable because it had sequins going around the arm-holes and the other two were just too expensive for what they were.
I spent half an hourish just generally walking around and in that half an hour by myself i started feeling REALLY down. like i just couldn't care about anything. this is why i couldn't be alone today. met Matt in subway and we managed to spend two hours in there drinking coke and talking and generally hanging out just like normal. Rob and Kate were working so we were talking to them as well. and in that two hours i had forgotten about everything. I knew that my aunty lyn had died, but it felt like a fact more than anything. i didn't feel like she had died.
at 2:30 we all went tut meze. kate had to leave early to do some college work. Ieuan turned up, love him. Ieuan gives an awsome cwtch so i was feeling very clingy and needy and was cwtching him all afternoon. we played pool all afternoon and then at 4 i went home.
Got home, came online, had food, came online, went back out. Went to the cinema with Matt, Carl, Nathan and Cerys. We watched Just Friends which was hysterical.
And here I am. Still haven't cried.
I need to cry and I know this. I know that all my body is craving is some sort of tension release, and until I've cried I'm not going to feel at all normal. I want to cry, I genuinly do. But I think I'm so used to having to put on a brave face and/or fighting back the tears infront of people [I hate crying infront of people] that my body just isn't going to yet. I know that right now i'm just too tired to cry. I know tomorrow everyone's going to be fussing so I really don't want to go in. I think I said this when i broke up with Carl but I don't like people fussing over me, i just want things to be as normal as possible. It's not a case of I don't want to be reminded that my aunty has died all day, I just don't like being in the spotlight and under scruitiny all the time. I just don't like being fussed over. Soooo, if i break down tomorrow, just put me in a quiet corner and let me get on with it, I'm fine. When i'm crying there's no need to be worried about me.
I am sooo tired. I'm going to bed.
Yes, this entry is going to be pretty sensitive and emo.
No, I don't care if this makes me an emo attention-seeking-bitch, because it's staying public.
If you're not a part of my life, don't know who i am, don't care who i am and are just being a nosey fuck-witt with nothing better to do, i suggest you go and surf the net for some porn and fuck off in a corner for a wank.
The only people who're not going think I'm an emo attention-seeking-bitch are the ones who do genuinly care, who want to know what's going on in my head right now and who're a big part of my life.
A lot of my friends don't have livejournal, which is why i can't post this under Friends. They need to know what's going on.
My Aunty's died.
Monday I went to college in the morning, stayed all afternoon until 6, then went straight to Newport and stayed out until 11. I hadn't been home all day.
I went into n'port to meet Matt and we had a good chat about stuff. Then Nathan gave me a lift to the Beaufort centre so i could talk to Pete's fencing dood about the instructional DVD they want me to do. Ended up in the pub after.
My Dad came to pick me up at 11. I got in the car and he asked me how the evening went and happy-happy-chirpy-normal-chit-chat, then he explained to me that my Aunty Lyn had gone back into hospital. My aunty's had MS fooor ... basically since I can remember. MS effects the signals that go from the brain to the rest of your body. I don't quite know in detail what or how it does it, or why, or whatever, but it effects the whole body. Muscles, eye-sight, imune system, bla. But it has been deteriating for the past 3 or 4 years. She's been disabled and very ill for a long time.
My mam once told me ages ago that she used to love going out on long walks. She also said that she can always remember her wearing mini short skirts and high heels and going out and getting absolutely pissed. Not my mam's words, but you get the idea.
But every time she went into hospital, she was worse than the last time. Every time she came out of hospital she was worse than when she went in. Last year she caught the MRSA bug in hospital, which ... was ... well, bad considering her imune system was shot to pieces.
ANYWAY. My aunty had been taken into hospital with a form of phneumonia [which i can't spell]. The doctors predicted she wouldn't last the week. 48hours tops. It was going to effect her breathing and it was going to give her a heart attack. My uncle didn't want her being resusatated, because the life she had was no life at all. All we could do was wait around for a phone call.
My Dad told me this in the car. All the way home from Caerleon I didn't cry. It had registered, I felt like crying, but just didn't. I physically couldn't. Got home, hugged my mam and started sobbing. I hugged my mam because I felt like she needed a hug more than i did. I know what my mam's like. We had a little chat about things 'n' my mam went off to bed.
Tuesday I felt tired. Not drained, not exhausted, just tired and numb. Carried on with some filming in the morning and then went into college in the afternoon. I didn't want to be there, but when I got home I didn't want to be alone either. I didn't cry Tuesday. I couldn't cry.
Everytime the phone rang I'd be on edge, my heart would jump into my throat and my stomach would turn. But there was no news.
My mam was meant to go to uni that night but came home early. She'd rang my grandparents, and they told her that my aunty wasn't expected to last the night. I asked if we were going to go up and see her but apperently she had no idea where she was, who she was, who was with her, she was finding it so difficult to breath and my mam and my grandparents didn't want me seeing her because they knew it would be so upseting.
Last night I didn't sleep. Technically I did, but this morning at 7 the phone rang and my mam answered it downstairs. All I remember was being sat up in bed, wide awake. I don't remember being asleep, at all. 3 minutes later my mam walked up the stairs, sat on my bed and explained that aunty lyn had died 20minutes ago. My mam was crying but I still couldn't cry. The first person I instinctively rang was Matt. I didn't want to be alone today and I knew that Matt had the afternoon off. I just needed somebody to hang out with, and I knew that hanging out with Matt is the most normal thing I can do.
I rang him up, sounded like I'd woken him up, but apperently I hadn't, then I asked him if he had the afternoon off. I started getting choked up and welling up and he knew something was wrong. I tried explaining that my aunty had died but i just couldn't get my words out. I tried explaining twice before I started sobbing and then told him i'd ring him back.
I got up, got ready and went to college to sort out my UCAS forms. Went into class and only Ellie and Ryan were there. I asked Paul if I could have a word with him, but he was being arsey as he normally is and was telling me to come in, sit down, get comfortable and blaaa. So I just said "I've come into college this morning to sort out my UCAS forms, then i'm going to have to go because my Aunty's died. I have to go to my Grandma's and spend time with the family." He told me not to worry about the UCAS forms, he'd sort them out for me, so I gave him the cheque, went into Viv's room to pick up some story-boards and Viv started talking to me about some footage I need.
By now I was choked up, but still couldn't cry. I just physically couldn't. I was choked up, I felt a little shell-shocked and distressed and confused but I couldn't cry. I sat down and waited for Zoe, because I thought that maybe if I had a hug off her I could cry, because the only time I ever seem to cry, no matter how hard i'm trying not to, is when somebody hugs me. It's my weakness. But Cait came in and there was no Zoe. I asked Cait where she was and something was said, everything's a little grey and hazey, but Cait said "oh you look happy!" and I said "yeah, my aunty died this morning". I love Cait. She was so worried that she might have upset me but it made me giggle! She gave me a hug, but ... you know when you hug someone, there's a huggy, cwtchy close and warm feeling? I felt nothing. I tried hugging tighter, but no, nothing. I didn't cry. I walked out and was choked up and felt a little chlostophobic.
I bumped into Eugene on the way out. Everything was even more grey and hazey and i'm not sure if i made much sense. All I remember thinking was that I had to get to my grandma's because my aunty died. I remember trying to explain this to Eugene but all i remember feeling was confused. He hugged me and was really worried about me, but still, no huggy feeling, no tears, no nothing.
Caught a bus to my grandma's. went in. grandma, grampu and my mam were there. My grandparents were ... not 'chirpy' but they were smiling and lively and ... jittery. I knew that if i was down and upset infront of them, they'd only worry. They tend not to tell me anything just in case it upsets me. Whereas I'd prefer to be told and be upset than not knowing what's going on. But if I was upset infront of them I knew that they would never tell me anything in the future, so I put on a brave face and smiled.
Alun and Paul were there [my cousins]. Julie was there [Alun's fiance]. Alun was quiet. Alun's always been quiet, he's always been this gentle giant. I couldn't quite tell how Alun was taking it. Paul looked devistated. I don't blame him [/you, if you're reading this] but dood, i've never seen anyone like that before. I didn't know where to look. I didn't know what to say, how to react. Pffft!?
5 minutes after I turned up Alun, Paul and Julie left to do some stuff. My mam did the washing up, but I know why she was doing it. The exact same reason I dried the dishes. Not just to be helpful, but for something to do, and to keep busy.
Eventually me, my mam and my grandma went into town. I needed something decent to wear to Aunty Lyn's funeral next week. My grandma had some stuff to do. We went to a jewellers and I picked out a ring i'd like for my 18th. Then my mam and grandma went off to Tesco. I had to wait for half an hour before Matt turned up so I went for some retail therapy. Went into H&M and tried on 6 different tops. two of them looked bogging, one was too small, one was uncomfortable because it had sequins going around the arm-holes and the other two were just too expensive for what they were.
I spent half an hourish just generally walking around and in that half an hour by myself i started feeling REALLY down. like i just couldn't care about anything. this is why i couldn't be alone today. met Matt in subway and we managed to spend two hours in there drinking coke and talking and generally hanging out just like normal. Rob and Kate were working so we were talking to them as well. and in that two hours i had forgotten about everything. I knew that my aunty lyn had died, but it felt like a fact more than anything. i didn't feel like she had died.
at 2:30 we all went tut meze. kate had to leave early to do some college work. Ieuan turned up, love him. Ieuan gives an awsome cwtch so i was feeling very clingy and needy and was cwtching him all afternoon. we played pool all afternoon and then at 4 i went home.
Got home, came online, had food, came online, went back out. Went to the cinema with Matt, Carl, Nathan and Cerys. We watched Just Friends which was hysterical.
And here I am. Still haven't cried.
I need to cry and I know this. I know that all my body is craving is some sort of tension release, and until I've cried I'm not going to feel at all normal. I want to cry, I genuinly do. But I think I'm so used to having to put on a brave face and/or fighting back the tears infront of people [I hate crying infront of people] that my body just isn't going to yet. I know that right now i'm just too tired to cry. I know tomorrow everyone's going to be fussing so I really don't want to go in. I think I said this when i broke up with Carl but I don't like people fussing over me, i just want things to be as normal as possible. It's not a case of I don't want to be reminded that my aunty has died all day, I just don't like being in the spotlight and under scruitiny all the time. I just don't like being fussed over. Soooo, if i break down tomorrow, just put me in a quiet corner and let me get on with it, I'm fine. When i'm crying there's no need to be worried about me.
I am sooo tired. I'm going to bed.