Fic: Five Things SG-1 Learned from Watching Wormhole X-Treme
Title: Five Things SG-1 Learned from Watching Wormhole X-Treme
Genre: Humour, Team
Rating: T
Disclaimer: Mine? No? Damn.
Spoilers: "Point of No Return," "Wormhole X-Treme," "Arthur's Mantle" and an itty bitty one for "200"
1. The Value Of Studying Budge
“I don’t understand.”
“Jack…”
“You hate the guy.”
“Not hate, per se…”
“Whenever one of the other linguists references his stuff, you spend days ranting and raving about it.”
“I do not rave.”
“There’s voice raising and arm flapping and your eyes do that shifty, crazy thing, Daniel. There is most definitely raving.”
“Your point being?”
“Why, with all the ranting and raving - Ah! We’ve already established that you do in fact rave - did you buy the guy’s translation of 'The Book of the Dead'?”
“Well, he didn’t get it all wrong…”
“Daniel…”
“Jack?”
“Daniel!”
“Fine. They referenced a passage in something I saw on TV the other day - with absolutely horrendous pronunciation, by the way - and I realized that maybe there might be some value in studying the Budge translation. Possibly.”
“What were you watching?”
“I’m sorry?”
“What were you watching?”
“I forget.”
“Daniel…”
“I do!”
“It was Wormhole X-Treme, wasn’t it?”
“And you would know that how?”
“Uh… Never mind.”
2. The Limitations Of Feedback Loops As A Technical Solution
“Once I discovered the problem was caused by the positronic field emitters going off-line, I tried compensating by generating a feedback loop.”
“Then why is the gate still malfunctioning?”
“Because it didn’t work, sir.”
“Carter, why did you spend the last ten minutes overloading my brain with technobabble, trying to make me understand a solution that didn’t work?”
“You asked how things were going, sir.”
“Yes, well, remind me never to do that again.”
“Yes, sir.”
“No smirking, Major.”
“Yes, sir. No smirking, sir.”
“Your not smirking skills need work. So, what now?”
“I’m still working on that, sir. Siler’s running a diagnostic and Doctor Lee is going over computer code…”
“Go technobabble with your fellow geeks, Carter.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Oh, and Carter?”
“Sir?”
“Have you tried reversing the polarity?”
“Colonel?”
“You’re not the only one who watched Wormhole X-Treme last night, Major.”
3. The Downside of Invisibility
“Have you scanned me with any of your radioactive doohickeys?”
“No, sir. Not since last week when I tried to scan you with a Geiger counter and you snuck off to the commissary for cake.”
“Scan me now. I’ll even stick around long enough for you to analyze the results.”
“How… uncharacteristically patient of you, sir.”
“I know you can’t see it right now, but it does actually say ‘colonel’ on my uniform.”
“I wouldn’t know sir. I haven’t seen your uniform in two and a half weeks.”
“You’re just jealous ‘cause you’re not invisible.”
“No, sir. I’m frustrated because all my research on how to make you visible again keeps mysteriously disappearing from my lab.”
“How odd.”
“That’s one word for… Uh oh.”
“Uh oh? What uh oh? Why is the doohickey beeping?”
“You know, this sort of thing isn’t really my field…”
“That’s never stopped you before, Carter. I repeat: what uh oh?”
“Well, sir, you seem to be giving off low levels of anode ionizing radiation.”
“That’s bad?”
“It’s probably not good, sir.”
“How not good are we talking?”
“In the short term, exposure can cause hair loss, surface burns to your skin and scarring. In the long term, sir, you could suffer organ damage, spontaneous genetic mutations, impotency…”
“They were right?!”
“Sir?”
“I need to go see Fraiser. You get back to whatever it is you’re doing to try and make me visible again. That’s an order, Major!”
“Sir, who was right?”
“No one.”
“Colonel…”
“More work, less talk, Carter.”
“Yes, sir.”
~~~~~ Later ~~~~~
“Hey, Sam. Has he been here yet?”
“Bright and early this morning.”
“And?”
“I’m under strict orders to make him visible again, ASAP.”
“It worked?”
“Like a charm. I scanned him with a voltage detector, made it beep a few times and told him he was giving off a fictional type of radiation. Once I started listing the side effects, he took off. He’s been in the infirmary pestering Janet ever since.”
“It’s kind of weird, isn’t it?”
“What?”
“Us using Wormhole X-Treme for inspiration instead of the other way around?”
“Just be grateful Martin Lloyd finally had an original idea. There’s absolutely no science to support it, but if convincing him invisibility has made him radioactive is what it takes to get Colonel O’Neill to let us make him visible again…”
“Desperate times, Sam. Very desperate times.”
4. The Physics Governing The Existence Of Multiple Dimensions
“… And because we still perceive things in our usual dimension, we’re able to interact with them on some level. That’s why we don’t fall through the floor!”
“Really?”
“Oh yeah! So, what do you think?”
“It’s an interesting idea... It doesn’t really fit any of our theoretical models about multiple dimensions, but then again, neither do our first-hand observations. In all likelihood, our science just hasn’t advanced far enough to create accurate models yet.”
“Hold it. Are you telling me I could have eaten that damn roast beef if only I’d perceived myself as being able to eat it?”
“No, I don’t think I said that.”
“But it worked to keep us from falling through the floor.”
“I don’t think I said that either.”
“Sam…”
“It’s an interesting idea, Cam, that doesn’t mean it’s right. How did you come up with it anyway?”
“Ermmoll Essreem.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Wormhole X-Treme.”
“Embarrassed?”
“A little.”
“As you should be.”
5. The Tauri Are Crazy
“Let me get this straight. These people are actually paid to make this television show?”
“Indeed.”
“And there are people, like you, who pay good money to buy this show on DVD so they can watch it over and over again?”
“A great many.”
“But it’s awful!”
“I find it most amusing.”
“As the resident sexy female alien, I feel it’s my duty to point out that sexy female aliens would lust after Doctor Levant, not Colonel Danning. And half of what comes out of Major Monroe’s mouth doesn’t make sense! Admittedly, neither does half of what comes out of Samantha’s, but at least in her case it’s because she actually knows what she’s talking about! And don’t even get me started on Grell the Robot. Do they really think we can’t see the wire they use to raise and lower his eyebrow?”
“Perhaps you do not appreciate the show because you evaluate it against your experiences here at Stargate Command.”
“And you don’t?”
“I do not. Wormhole X-Treme is enjoyable as a mechanism through which Martin Lloyd and others tell stories about the condition of humans on Earth.”
“All right, now I’m just sad for the humans of Earth.”
“For what reason?”
“Because they all come off looking completely wonko!”
“Since coming to Earth, you have met many humans, have you not?”
“I suppose.”
“And what are your observations?”
“… Are you saying you watch Wormhole X-Treme because you enjoy seeing just how wonko Earthlings are?”
“Indeed.”
“Well in that case, let’s watch another episode.”
Genre: Humour, Team
Rating: T
Disclaimer: Mine? No? Damn.
Spoilers: "Point of No Return," "Wormhole X-Treme," "Arthur's Mantle" and an itty bitty one for "200"
1. The Value Of Studying Budge
“I don’t understand.”
“Jack…”
“You hate the guy.”
“Not hate, per se…”
“Whenever one of the other linguists references his stuff, you spend days ranting and raving about it.”
“I do not rave.”
“There’s voice raising and arm flapping and your eyes do that shifty, crazy thing, Daniel. There is most definitely raving.”
“Your point being?”
“Why, with all the ranting and raving - Ah! We’ve already established that you do in fact rave - did you buy the guy’s translation of 'The Book of the Dead'?”
“Well, he didn’t get it all wrong…”
“Daniel…”
“Jack?”
“Daniel!”
“Fine. They referenced a passage in something I saw on TV the other day - with absolutely horrendous pronunciation, by the way - and I realized that maybe there might be some value in studying the Budge translation. Possibly.”
“What were you watching?”
“I’m sorry?”
“What were you watching?”
“I forget.”
“Daniel…”
“I do!”
“It was Wormhole X-Treme, wasn’t it?”
“And you would know that how?”
“Uh… Never mind.”
2. The Limitations Of Feedback Loops As A Technical Solution
“Once I discovered the problem was caused by the positronic field emitters going off-line, I tried compensating by generating a feedback loop.”
“Then why is the gate still malfunctioning?”
“Because it didn’t work, sir.”
“Carter, why did you spend the last ten minutes overloading my brain with technobabble, trying to make me understand a solution that didn’t work?”
“You asked how things were going, sir.”
“Yes, well, remind me never to do that again.”
“Yes, sir.”
“No smirking, Major.”
“Yes, sir. No smirking, sir.”
“Your not smirking skills need work. So, what now?”
“I’m still working on that, sir. Siler’s running a diagnostic and Doctor Lee is going over computer code…”
“Go technobabble with your fellow geeks, Carter.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Oh, and Carter?”
“Sir?”
“Have you tried reversing the polarity?”
“Colonel?”
“You’re not the only one who watched Wormhole X-Treme last night, Major.”
3. The Downside of Invisibility
“Have you scanned me with any of your radioactive doohickeys?”
“No, sir. Not since last week when I tried to scan you with a Geiger counter and you snuck off to the commissary for cake.”
“Scan me now. I’ll even stick around long enough for you to analyze the results.”
“How… uncharacteristically patient of you, sir.”
“I know you can’t see it right now, but it does actually say ‘colonel’ on my uniform.”
“I wouldn’t know sir. I haven’t seen your uniform in two and a half weeks.”
“You’re just jealous ‘cause you’re not invisible.”
“No, sir. I’m frustrated because all my research on how to make you visible again keeps mysteriously disappearing from my lab.”
“How odd.”
“That’s one word for… Uh oh.”
“Uh oh? What uh oh? Why is the doohickey beeping?”
“You know, this sort of thing isn’t really my field…”
“That’s never stopped you before, Carter. I repeat: what uh oh?”
“Well, sir, you seem to be giving off low levels of anode ionizing radiation.”
“That’s bad?”
“It’s probably not good, sir.”
“How not good are we talking?”
“In the short term, exposure can cause hair loss, surface burns to your skin and scarring. In the long term, sir, you could suffer organ damage, spontaneous genetic mutations, impotency…”
“They were right?!”
“Sir?”
“I need to go see Fraiser. You get back to whatever it is you’re doing to try and make me visible again. That’s an order, Major!”
“Sir, who was right?”
“No one.”
“Colonel…”
“More work, less talk, Carter.”
“Yes, sir.”
~~~~~ Later ~~~~~
“Hey, Sam. Has he been here yet?”
“Bright and early this morning.”
“And?”
“I’m under strict orders to make him visible again, ASAP.”
“It worked?”
“Like a charm. I scanned him with a voltage detector, made it beep a few times and told him he was giving off a fictional type of radiation. Once I started listing the side effects, he took off. He’s been in the infirmary pestering Janet ever since.”
“It’s kind of weird, isn’t it?”
“What?”
“Us using Wormhole X-Treme for inspiration instead of the other way around?”
“Just be grateful Martin Lloyd finally had an original idea. There’s absolutely no science to support it, but if convincing him invisibility has made him radioactive is what it takes to get Colonel O’Neill to let us make him visible again…”
“Desperate times, Sam. Very desperate times.”
4. The Physics Governing The Existence Of Multiple Dimensions
“… And because we still perceive things in our usual dimension, we’re able to interact with them on some level. That’s why we don’t fall through the floor!”
“Really?”
“Oh yeah! So, what do you think?”
“It’s an interesting idea... It doesn’t really fit any of our theoretical models about multiple dimensions, but then again, neither do our first-hand observations. In all likelihood, our science just hasn’t advanced far enough to create accurate models yet.”
“Hold it. Are you telling me I could have eaten that damn roast beef if only I’d perceived myself as being able to eat it?”
“No, I don’t think I said that.”
“But it worked to keep us from falling through the floor.”
“I don’t think I said that either.”
“Sam…”
“It’s an interesting idea, Cam, that doesn’t mean it’s right. How did you come up with it anyway?”
“Ermmoll Essreem.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Wormhole X-Treme.”
“Embarrassed?”
“A little.”
“As you should be.”
5. The Tauri Are Crazy
“Let me get this straight. These people are actually paid to make this television show?”
“Indeed.”
“And there are people, like you, who pay good money to buy this show on DVD so they can watch it over and over again?”
“A great many.”
“But it’s awful!”
“I find it most amusing.”
“As the resident sexy female alien, I feel it’s my duty to point out that sexy female aliens would lust after Doctor Levant, not Colonel Danning. And half of what comes out of Major Monroe’s mouth doesn’t make sense! Admittedly, neither does half of what comes out of Samantha’s, but at least in her case it’s because she actually knows what she’s talking about! And don’t even get me started on Grell the Robot. Do they really think we can’t see the wire they use to raise and lower his eyebrow?”
“Perhaps you do not appreciate the show because you evaluate it against your experiences here at Stargate Command.”
“And you don’t?”
“I do not. Wormhole X-Treme is enjoyable as a mechanism through which Martin Lloyd and others tell stories about the condition of humans on Earth.”
“All right, now I’m just sad for the humans of Earth.”
“For what reason?”
“Because they all come off looking completely wonko!”
“Since coming to Earth, you have met many humans, have you not?”
“I suppose.”
“And what are your observations?”
“… Are you saying you watch Wormhole X-Treme because you enjoy seeing just how wonko Earthlings are?”
“Indeed.”
“Well in that case, let’s watch another episode.”