Fic: Ties That Bind
Frustrated, Jack’s hands scrabbled at his neck. He tried in vain to dig his fingers into the non-existent space between his neck and the impromptu noose to quite literally give himself some breathing room. It didn’t work.
He was, Jack was finally prepared to concede, quite thoroughly screwed.
A sharp rap on the door refocused his attention.
The dulcet tones of his 2IC asking, “Are you guys decent yet?” helped too.
“Come in, Carter,” Jack croaked.
Giving up all pretense of overwhelming coolness - the guards monitoring the security feed from SG-1’s gear up room were already laughing their asses off anyway - Jack ripped the tie from around his neck and hoped the slightly blue tint of his lips would fade quickly.
He sucked in a long, deep breath, easing the slight burn in his lungs, and rearranged his features just as the heavy door swung open. There in the doorway stood Sam, immaculate as always, in her dress uniform.
“Hi, sir. I was just wondering if you guys were done yet.”
She stepped into the room and let the door swing shut behind her. Her eyes took in her surroundings in a single sweep, noting that two-thirds of the men she’d been searching for were still missing.
“Did Daniel and Teal’c leave already, sir?”
“Haven’t seen ‘em in a while,” Jack replied. He tried to stuff his tie into his pocket inconspicuously, but he wasn’t sure it was working. “But I’m sure they’re around somewhere, provided Thor hasn’t beamed them up and whisked them away.”
“Yes, sir.” Sam grinned at him.
Jack felt a surge of hope. Maybe, just maybe, he’d succeeded in distracting her.
“Are you ready to head up to the gate room?” he asked.
“Yes, sir. I’ve been waiting for you guys out in the corridor for the last 20 minutes so we could all head up together.”
Ah ha! The perfect set up! Jack felt another swell of hope. He just might get out of this with his dignity in tact.
He had the advantage, now he just had to press it.
“Carter, are you implying that we take longer than women do to get ready?”
Distract her with humour. Divert her with banter. He could totally pull this off.
“It’s Teal’c, sir. He dawdled in front of the mirror back when he had to shave his head, but now that he has hair, it’s gotten worse.”
There was that Carter grin again.
Oh yeah, Jack mentally gloated. He was so going to pull this off.
“You know how vain he can be,” Jack retorted dryly. Then, hands flapping, he chivvied her towards the door. “Maybe we’ll run into them on the way.”
The Carter grin vanished, replaced by the equally familiar although not nearly as nice to look at Carter frown. “What about your tie, sir?”
Damn Samantha Carter and her inconvenient powers of observation.
Jack latched on to the first explanation that popped into his head. It also happened to be the truth… In a way.
“I hate the stupid thing. I’ll put it on just before we go into the gate room.”
He was stalling and they both knew it. The good thing was that only one of them knew the real reason he was stalling.
He might have to work for it, but victory was so still his.
Sam’s frown deepened. Clearly she disapproved of the idea of the highest ranking officer at the SGC strutting around in violation of half a dozen regs regarding officers in uniform.
“Carter, I’m ordering you not to say a word,” Jack said firmly. Then, because she’d perfected her father’s disapproving glare and it freaked Jack out when she leveled it on him, he added, “And stop looking at me like that.”
“Yes, sir.”
Usually Jack would be proud of the insubordinate eye roll that followed those two little words - he’s been such a positive influence on her - but he likes her insubordination a lot more when it’s not directed at him.
Mostly.
“Walk,” Jack commanded, as if trying to prove that he was still the one in charge.
A heavy sigh whooshed past Sam’s lips as she offered up a placating, “Yes, sir.”
They’d moved all of three steps before the door flew open again, admitting Daniel and Teal’c. Both were dressed in dark suits - sans ties - and shiny black shoes. They would have looked dignified if it weren’t for the fact that Daniel was practically foaming at the mouth.
Jack idly wondered if Doctor Brightman was keeping the archaeologist up to date on all of his shots. After all, rabies was the one thing Jack hadn’t been confined to the infirmary for yet, and he was rather keen on keeping it that way.
“Why on Earth did you…” Daniel’s outraged, high blood pressured question trailed off when his eyes landed on the other person in the room. He made a visible effort to calm down, then, with false brightness, he chirped, “Hi, Sam!”
Teal’c unclenched his jaw and tried to look calm. Being Teal’c, he still looked like anyone else would right before they throttled the nearest person.
“Greetings, Major Carter.”
“Hi, Teal’c,” she returned absently.
Sam frowned at Daniel’s abrupt shift in mood and her eyes moved back and forth between her CO and her favourite archaeologist, trying to figure out what was going on.
Behind her back, Jack tried to slash his hand across his throat in the universal gesture for “STOP!” without getting caught.
“What am I missing?” Sam asked her teammates.
“Nothing,” Jack and Daniel replied in unison.
They shot one another glares for answering too quickly.
“I am unaware of what you may have misplaced, Major Carter,” Teal’c said.
His voice was calm now, but Jack could still detect a hint of nervousness in the former First Prime’s voice.
“If you describe the item you are unable to ascertain the whereabouts of, I will endeavor to assist you in your quest to locate it,” Teal’c continued, squishing as many formal, multi-syllabic words as possible into the simple sentence.
Sam’s eyebrows knit together and for one brief, shining moment, Jack thought Teal’c had succeeded in confusing her with his convoluted reply.
He should have known better.
“I know you know what I meant,” Sam said firmly. “Now, what’s going on?”
“Noth…” Jack’s mouth slammed shut mid-denial.
No, his voice did not just go up an octave. Really, it didn’t.
“Why were you so angry when you walked in here?” Sam ignored Jack’s vociferous denial and focused on Daniel.
Apparently she’d decided that, outraged as he’d been just moments ago, Daniel was going to be the weak link this time.
“Angry? I wasn’t angry,” Daniel replied. “Did I seem angry?”
Now Daniel’s voice? Daniel’s voice definitely went up at least two octaves.
“You did not, Daniel Jackson,” Teal’c said more or less calmly.
“You’re imagining things, Carter,” Jack said. “We’re gonna be late. Let’s go kids.”
He flapped his hands towards the door, but Sam was having none of that.
Her forehead smoothed out, her eyes widened and Jack knew, just knew, his pride was living on borrowed time.
Sam was about to play what Jack considered The Dirty Card. She did it sparingly, thank goodness, but she knew that if she turned those stupid, gorgeous doe eyes on any one of them - even Teal’c, but the last time Jack had brought that up, the big Jaffa had almost melted him with the heat of his glare, so they didn’t talk about it anymore - she’d get her way.
Jack blamed Daniel. He was the one who had taught her to use those dumb, beautiful blue eyes for evil. At some point in the last few years, the student had become the teacher. Even Daniel couldn’t resist Sam’s Big Blue Eye Powers any more.
Usually it served him right, just not this time. Because this time, Daniel was going down and he was taking Jack and Teal’c with him.
Unacceptable.
“Daniel…” Sam drawled innocently.
“Daniel!” Jack snapped harshly.
If he could just distract the bespectacled archaeologist, Sam’s Big Blue Eye Powers might not work, Daniel might not spill the beans, and they might all walk out of the room with their dignity in tact.
“Daniel, why are you all lying to me?” she asked. Her voice was just the right mix of sweet and sad.
They all might walk out of the room with their dignity intact unless, of course, Sam outmaneuvered him.
Oi. Daniel was so going to spill the beans.
“We’re not,” Daniel said unconvincingly.
Jack could practically see the guilt starting to eat away at him. He mentally encouraged Daniel to hold out just a little longer.
“Are you looking me in the eye and lying to me right now?”
A little less of the sweet, a lot more of the sad, and Jack felt the last of his hope drain away. Hell, now he was tempted to spill the beans, and she wasn’t even looking at him!
“N… Yes.”
“Traitor,” Jack grumbled under his breath.
“Indeed,” Teal’c said, equally quiet.
“This secret,” Sam began, demonstrating a frightening proficiency in interrogation tactics. “Does it have something to do with why none of you are wearing ties?”
Daniel looked absurdly relieved. “No,” he replied honestly.
“Really?” Sam asked skeptically.
Jack could practically feel her confusion. She really thought she’d been heading in the right direction - so had he - but Daniel sounded sincere. He’d probably latched on to some antiquated meaning of one of the words she’d used in the question and interpreted it in such a way that he didn’t actually have to lie to deny it. Or maybe some nuance of her syntax allowed him wiggle room in his interpretation.
Sometimes, but not often, it was handy to have a linguist around.
“We really need to get a move on,” Jack interrupted the line of questioning. “And while I’m not opposed to the idea of playing hooky…”
“You are giving your speech, O’Neill,” Teal’c said firmly. “We have assured Doctor Weir that you will arrive on time and that you will remain for the duration of the ceremony.”
“Can’t blame a guy for trying.” Jack shrugged, nonplussed that his final escape attempt had been thwarted.
“You know, sir, it’s really not appropriate for the incoming commander of the SGC to be seen roaming through the SGC without his full dress uniform.”
Sam eyed him carefully, studying his face for hints of something.
“Carter…”
“Put on your tie, sir.”
“You know, I’m a general now,” Jack said petulantly. “You can’t boss me around any more. I outrank you.”
“You outranked her when you were a colonel,” Daniel reminded. “She bossed you around then too.”
The silent ‘and you let her’ hung in the air. Some things just didn’t need to be said.
But other things…
“Thank you, Daniel. That was helpful.”
“He is correct, O’Neill,” Teal’c pitched in. “You have encouraged this behaviour in the past. Moreover, Major Carter has learned insubordination towards generals under your apt tutelage. You should be honoured that she treats you this way. It is testament to how much she has learned while under your command.”
That damn Carter grin was back.
“Why, thank you, T,” Jack said, wincing. “I can always count on you for back up.”
“Sir. Tie. Now. Or we are going to be late,” Sam said firmly. It was a timely interruption of what was likely to become a bout of mindless, unending banter.
Then, as if remembering her interrogation of Daniel, she added, “You two as well. Ties, guys, now.”
The three men traded a series of furtive glances, silent communication flying back and forth.
Unfortunately, Sam was also fluent in their non-verbal language and she picked up on the gist of their conversation right away.
“Are you kidding me?” she demanded. She glanced at each of the three men, shaking her head in utter disbelief.
“No.”
“Seriously?”
“Oh for… None of us know how to tie a tie, Carter! Are you happy now?”
“I’ve seen you all wear ties before,” Sam pointed out. “How can you not know how…”
Teal’c did that damn superior head lift/smug smirk combo he was so good at. “Jaffa have no need for such accoutrements.” His disdain for such foolish Tau’ri things was obvious. “In fact, I do not own a tie and have borrowed one from Daniel Jackson on every occasion for which I have been required to wear one.”
“But if Daniel doesn’t know how to tie a tie, then how did they get, well, tied?”
Daniel flushed bright scarlet and ducked his head.
“They didn’t,” Jack said gleefully. “All of Daniel’s ties are clip ons.”
Sam blinked in surprise. “Clip ons?”
“Tying a tie is hard,” Daniel insisted. His voice was only just on the right side of the line between not whining and whining.
“So let me get this straight.” Sam shook her head as if to rattle her thoughts into order. “Daniel buys clip on ties, which Teal’c borrows - and by the way, I can’t believe I never noticed that before - which explains how you two get around tying your ties, but sir, how did you…”
“He bribes Cassandra to do it for him.” If the broad grin on his face was any indication, Daniel’s blunt answer was revenge for Jack giving up his secret.
“I do not bribe Cassie,” Jack protested. “I spoil that girl rotten and the occasions when I do may, from time to time, coincide with the times that she’s tied my ties for me, but it’s purely coincidental.”
He glared at Daniel. It was one of his favourite past times and besides, more often than not, Daniel deserved it.
Like right now.
Three eyebrows raised at his assertion and Jack broadened his glare to encompass his whole team.
“Coincidence,” he insisted.
“Cassandra is a teenage girl, born on another planet where no one wore ties, and later raised by a single mother who never, in the six years since she adopted Cassandra, ever had a boyfriend,” Sam reminded. “Explain to me how Cassandra can figure it out and you guys can’t.”
“Cassandra Fraiser is an extremely intelligent child.” Teal’c knew it was a weak explanation, but it was the only one he had.
“Very smart,” Daniel agreed.
Sam rounded on the archaeologist. “You speak how many languages? Hell, you can crack Unas while being marched to their dinner table as the main course, but you can’t figure out how to tie a tie?”
“He cannot,” Teal’c answered on Daniel’s behalf. “That is why he was so outraged when we arrived.”
Jack’s smirk died on his lips. All the attention was about to turn back to him and he did not want it.
The last of his dignity had been vaporized two and a half minutes ago. He was afraid the only thing he had left for his team to take were the clothes on his back and the tie still shoved in his pocket.
“What…”
“O’Neill snapped the plastic clips on all of Daniel Jackson’s ties,” Teal’c stated. “Daniel Jackson was not impressed.”
“No, he was not,” Daniel agreed. This time it was his turn to glare at Jack.
“You untied my tie!” Jack shot back. “And you knew Cassie had already left for her class trip when you did it!”
“It was an accident! I was trying to figure out how she’d knotted it!”
“That knot cost me $200 dollars!”
Cassandra, the budding little extortionist, had insisted she’d needed new clothes for her field trip to Washington and Jack, the total pushover, had caved like a house of cards in a hurricane.
A dangerous expression stole over Sam’s face. Even though he didn’t know how, Jack knew he was in trouble with the teen’s legal guardian, he just didn’t know why.
Yet.
“When did you give her that money, sir?”
Jack swallowed hard before answering. “Two Fridays ago.”
Sam glared at him. “We’ll talk later, sir.”
“I’m allowed to spoil her, Carter,” Jack said as he rolled his eyes.
Hell, the things Teal’c did for that girl… It was ridiculous! But Teal’c made as much as the rest of them and didn’t need more than a sliver of each pay check, so a good chunk of it tended to go towards ‘Exploring Earth Adventures’ with his fellow alien.
“I don’t think you’ll want to after you see the outfit she came home with, sir.”
Jack winced, wishing, not for the first time, that he could force Cassie to wear Air Force issue arctic gear all year round. “Bad?”
“Extremely,” Sam said dryly.
Daniel squeezed his eyes shut, as if the teen was standing right in front of him in the extremely inappropriate outfit and he didn’t want to see her.
“As important as exercising tight control over Cassandra’s wardrobe is, we have a bigger wardrobe related problem right now,” Daniel reminded. “We’re supposed to be in the gate room in three and a half minutes, and none of us have ties.”
“Damn,” Jack said insincerely. “Guess we’ll have to play hooky after all.”
“Oh for the love of…” Sam sighed heavily and stalked across the room.
Without ceremony or permission - when had his straight-laced major lost all respect for boundaries and propriety? - she jammed her hand in Jack’s pocket.
“Carter!” he yelped in protest.
Sam ignored his yelp, Daniel’s guffaw, and Teal’c’s silent eyebrow raise, and fished out Jack’s tie. She maneuvered easily around the hands that tried ineffectually to bat her away.
Jack tried hard not to think about the fact that with a few decades of experience, he’d almost strangled himself trying to tie the stupid thing. Sam, having had no practice whatsoever, would surely kill him.
In five seconds flat, she had the tie wound around Jack’s neck. In a flurry of fingers and flapping fabric, she flipped the ends over one another several times.
Jack winced when she tugged, expecting his airway to be cut off immediately.
When Sam’s hands dropped away and there was no vice-like grip around his neck, Jack took an experimental breath. Then he took another, and another.
Sam was staring at him as though he’d lost his mind. Daniel was gaping. Teal’c appeared suitably impressed.
Jack chanced a look down at his chest and was surprised to see a properly knotted tie secured around his neck.
His head shot up and he stared at his 2IC, baffled.
“How did you do that?”
“It’s not that hard, sir.”
“But you’re a…”
“I wouldn’t finish that thought if I were you,” Daniel warned quietly.
“How did you do that?” Jack repeated.
“My dad is as hopeless as you three.” Sam rolled her eyes affectionately. “You have three minutes and twenty-three seconds to get to the gate room. Go.”
There was that bossing him around thing again, but Jack wasn’t going to complain about it. Not after she’d just whipped out a patented last minute Carter stroke of amazingness and saved him from unending mockery by the people he was about to become in charge of. Or at least more in charge of.
Instead, Jack snapped to attention and fired off a textbook salute. “Yes ma’am.”
Sam grinned. “Save it for the ceremony, sir.”
“What about…” Daniel began petulantly.
Sam stopped him before he could start pouting in earnest. “Did you bring any clip ons with you?”
“Yeah, but they’re…”
“Broken. I know. Do any of you have nail clippers in your locker?”
Jack was really happy to be able to shake his head. It would be weird if he’d had nail clippers and she didn’t.
“I do, Major Carter,” Teal’c pitched in.
Well, that was even weirder.
Judging by the look on Daniel’s face, he thought so too.
“Get them and meet us at the elevator.” Sam ignored the wide-eyed looks of disbelief on Jack and Daniel’s faces and rattled off instructions. “Three minutes and three seconds, guys. Let’s go.”
Neither man started moving fast enough for her liking, so she planted a hand on each of their backs and pushed, propelling them into motion.
Meanwhile Teal’c, former First Prime to one of the most feared System Lords in the galaxy, rushed over to his locker and began rifling through it for a set of nail clippers, just because a lowly USAF major ordered him too.
It was official: they’d somehow gated into the Twilight Zone.
“What are you going to do with two clip on ties and a pair of nail clippers?” Daniel asked. His eyebrows knitted together in confusion.
The urge to crack a MacGyver joke was almost unbearable, but Jack bit down hard on the inside of his cheek and waited for it to pass.
“I’ll snip the stitching holding the broken clips in the fake knot and then tie them grown up style around the necks of two unbelievably hopeless men,” Sam retorted.
She was still behind him, but Jack had no doubt that there was an affectionately exasperated smile on her face.
“Walk faster,” Sam ordered.
Jack surrendered to the undeniable fact that the security personnel monitoring the footage coming in from their location were laughing at him. Big, deep, gut busting belly laughs.
Giving up on resurrecting any of his dignity - and any hope he’d ever had of actually being respected as The Man at the SGC- Jack let a major hustle a one star general down the corridor.
He idly wondered if it would be any more dignified if, 20 or so minutes from now, a newly minted lieutenant colonel were to be seen ushering a one star general from place to place.
Somehow he didn’t think so, but the impending humiliation would be worth it just for the chance to be the first person to call the bossy woman behind him ‘Colonel Carter.’
“When Cassie gets home, we’re setting aside a whole weekend and holding a tie tying workshop. Attendance will be mandatory,” Sam said firmly.
Correction: mostly worth it.