The path to self discovery.....
These past two days while I was on the bus (yes i am very cool) i was asked if i could describe myself in one word what would it be? I wasn't able to answer that question, the truth is i don't know who i am, or who i want to be. For so long i was living in the shadow of my sister, constantly being compared to her. Although she is a wonderul person i am not her, and people don't seem to realize that i am a completely differnt person then her. Now that i am living with my dad and am away form her, i guess this is my chance to shine and show who i really am. but now that the chance has been brought upon me, i don't know who i am. I find myself going back to the things she would say or the things she would have done. I guess this one of those stages grown ups warn the teenagers about. I just don't know if what i like is based on my sisters likes. This is a very hard self discovery thing to go through. it doesn't help that i dont' have my friends beside me, and although i need to talkt to my sister about how i am feeling i know that i need to go through this myself, and hopefully when i go back home, my true colors will come out. While downing here I have realized just how jealous i am of my younger sisters. Strange how someone is jealous of a ten and five year old. I guess in a way I feel some sort of anger towards them. I hate that they have both their parents to grow up with, I know that they are my sisters and I should be happy for them but I can't. I guess I am selfish but I can't help it, this is the way I feel. My dad was taken away from me when I was two years old. I don't know his habbits, I don't know what the first thing he does when he gets home is, i don't know any of it. And they have never had one day without our dad, he has been to every school meeting, every one of their birthday parties, and every game. The thing that hurts me the most is that the four years that I played volleyball he never has once been to my games. Now that I am living with him he is trying to make up for old times, but the truth is I think it's a little late. He doesn't know anything about me or the person that I really am, he only knows the image that I portray to him. It has always been my mom, she was the one who was there for every game, for every party. I guess now I am feeling guilty for leaving her, I feel like I have backstabbed her, and although i know those aren't the reasons I left, I think she feels i have chosen her over my dad. The truth is though that no one could ever compare to wonderful person that my mom is, not even my dad. I don't feel at home at my dad's, I still refer to his house as his house, my mom's home is my home. I miss her so much, but I know I need to this for myself, I just hope she knows how much I love her, ad how much more highly I think of her than my dad.