18 years and some months and I still feel like I'm getting the shitty end of the stick.
If I thought for one bit at all before that things were super stupid(which I did), then I spoke too soon. I am finding myself closer to the crossroads of my entire life. I'm going to come to a point where I'll be going out of my way to either make it bigger than PA, or situate myself in a surviving state of content just to keep the other things I love that have survived. Less than a year from now I'll be out of my ''teen'' years and I'll finally be 20 years old. Maybe I'm thinking too ahead of myself, but I've come to some realizations that I never wanted to make, but must complete to make myself happy, and find a larger piece of life that I deserve at the end of that dig. I'm digging myself out of these teen years I call a hole, and making it into adulthood where I must find myself closer to continuing my family legacy, and trying my hardest to move on from the ''best years of my life''...whoever said the teen years were the best years of your life, were somewhat high as fuck.
Someone had the right idea though. I've made better friends through the years, and lost some friends which sad to say, benefit me to say the least. I've made it out of High School, and experienced more than enough to make it to 19 years old obviously. I nevertheless found myself in one of the most depressed holes I've ever been in without letting it ruin 100% of my time with others. I'm losing touch to alot of things and trying to decide if it's for the best, or if I'm destined to lose touch in these ''childish'' things I love so much, or the things I gained in my High School years. Fucking bullshit!
I'm bitter and have been for awhile. I'm happy, optimistic, and excited for alot of things alot of the time, and other times I'm bitter, depressed, angry, and feel like vomiting out all of what I had just to make room for some new shit. However if I just pushed aside everything I loved and ''needed'', then I wouldn't be very happy at all don't you think? I'm sure alot of you can agree. None of us want to just lose touch of what we used to have if it makes us happy. That's the thing these days...some people push aside things to gain more, and others just make room without losing a goddamned thing. Basically what I'm trying to say is that 80% of everyone is full of shit.
(These next few lines are completely fueled by anger and most likely are ment to be read by anyone and everyone possible. Fucking right it is)
If you love something...WHY.FUCKING.PUSH.IT.ASIDE?!
Seriously, life is hard. If you just got that memo recently, then you're tardy as fuck. Welcome to the days of our lives. We are fueled by difficult concepts, and hardships as children, teenagers, and adults. If life was so easy, then we wouldn't really NEED to be living anyways...we could just die and see what's beyond life as we know it. We don't do that though, we go through the hard BS and fight our inner demons. We use each other to hold on to what we care for and we say how we feel. We NEVER LET GO. If we're strong willed human beings, then keep it the fuck up. If you translate what I'm talking about as the process of life as we know it, then you're doing great so far. If you don't know what I'm talking about by now at all on a personal standpoint, then I'll tell you.
I'm bitter, and feel cheated by life right now because I lost something that I love so much last month, and I truely and absolutely cannot accept how pissed off that makes me feel. I was in a great relationship, and believe it or not, I was completely aware of all these hardships ahead of me. I was willing to deal with it all. I even came to conclusions with myself after this was done last month and said ''Nothing I can do now.''...but fucking hell I just can't see why the fuck some of what was said, was truely said. I think too much...I create scenarios in my head that could really fucking suck for me, and I think ''Wow that could happen right now and I would be really pissed off.''. I think about where we're going to be years from now compared to where we WANT to be years from now...well atleast where I want to be from here on. I can't even think she actually wants that anymore.
I feel confused. I mean when a girl breaks up with you, it always seems to mean that something really shitty happened and it can either get fixed, or it doesn't get fixed. Most of the time the chick just finds some new guy to play with abit later on and the guy just finds himself laying there like a pile of shit. Most guys move on though. I'm not as strong willed if you couldn't tell. I've watched so many chicks break it off with their boyfriend and find some new ''man candy'' to grab onto, and I really can't find it in me to say that that isn't what can happen to me afew weeks from now, or a month from now or whatever. I've seen it happen to the closest of my friends...why wouldn't it happen to me? Even the best girls I see can turn sideways and fuck you the wrong way like a jackhammer switched on auto. So I get these calls every now and then, and I hear that she DOES infact care what's going on, and all that stuff...but I realized the obvious today...it's really what happens to every guy anyways(If the girl isn't a complete douchebag.). I'm puzzled at the fact that she couldn't just find some guy she'll find relative interest in, and/or sexual interest in. I mean quite frankly, it just happens to people, and if the playing field is on the table in front of you, then you feel obligated to play...well I can't play. I suck at the game. I picked up my game piece and put it down and folded. And every day now I'm thinking that she could be succeeding on just that, just to get the fun side of things or whatever it may be. I just don't know. I guess I'm paranoid...I guess I think too much...but all I know is that I think about it all the time, and it's the most hardest thing ever to know that the love of your life that you spent so much time and energy on and so many hopes and dreams on, just doesn't want you anymore. So there's always the ''maybe'' for our future. But what I want to know is do YOU think about us...do YOU wish things could be different, do YOU want no one else but me in your life? If doing this army thing and getting to the point where we can be together again is all you want then that's what I want to...because that is what I want and I nothing more than to fight for that point in life. But if you want to truely experience other people, and the playing field while this whole thing is happening, then I want to know how you can believe that if you loved me so much. I want to know how you can hope to ''see where this takes you'' when what you supposedly loved so much early January was the only thing you wanted years from now. I want to know if you're not the girl I'm almost thinking you are...just like all these other lost hopes laying around.(No offense to some of you out there...but we all know there are some pretty shitty people out there.). I want to know if you and I have the same dream and can find each other at the end of this tunnel. I want to know how you feel 100% so I can know if I'm alone on this or not. I want to know what all is in your head when I come to mind. I want to know if you can see yourself with anyone else...I want to know if you still feel the same way you did throughout the last year of our relationship, and tell me you still mean that. Just fucking tell me. That's all I want.
Ofcourse if I didn't think that was hard on my life then it can get worse. My parents have been in a complete shithole for the past years. To be technical, they were destined to be shit since the day I was born. They are dysfunctional, and can't survive with each other, and yet can't survive without each other. I've watched them crawl deeper into a hole and the most I've seen was my mom push her limitations mentally. It's making her sick and there's nothing I can clearly do about it. She's an alcoholic, she's paranoid, she's angry, depressed, and couldn't be more disrespected/underappreciated. I knew for a fact they would die out once I'm out of High school and whatnot...it's now just a matter of when it will take place...and it's sooner than ever these days. Sometimes they're great and can just deal with each other. Sometimes they hate the fuck out of each other. Sometimes they're pathetic. Sometimes they're equally shitty as people and I could do without them. In reality I couldn't live without the both of them, even though my mom puts herself down like fuck, and my dad isn't exactly the best thing since white rice. I've grown tired of watching them deal with their problems the way they do and it takes it's toll on me. Nothing more to that than a big pile of fucked up shit that I'm dealing with on the side.
I love my friends to death, yet all of them have grown apart in their own way that all together it creates a friction that isn't too well. I feel great things when most of them are together, but nothing is the same these days. There's absolutely nothing for any of us to do these days in this city. Overall everyone is going to go their seperate ways at some point and some of them are gonna be gone before I know it. It depresses the fuck out of me because I wish I were younger so I could experience those funny times again. Alot of me wishes I had done things sooner like actually talk to the girl I've noticed for years, who ended up being the best thing ever, or relive those moments of footage we took together, or try and not act the way I did sometimes when I was just shitting on myself. Now I feel like there was so much I could have done back then, that I feel like it's too late to make a difference. Either way it was bound to happen. We all are best of friends either way, and I couldn't live without any of them, but it will hurt not to see these people for quite some time, or even not see them ever again. Yeah I'm being a depressed fuck about it all but it's on my chest...basically I'll take advantage of the time we all have, but beyond these people, it's hard to see clearly at all. Life goes on at some point, it just depends on who wants to come with me/who I can actually go with.
School is coming up, and I think every day about how I need to succeed and make it to the end and then find out where I need to be afterwards. I'd like some film school afterwards...a great job. Some side projects that actually make it huge would be nice. I have so many dreams, and plans that I want to accomplish yet I'm finding it hard to get the motivation and the right group and atmosphere to do it in/with. So much I actually know I'm capable of and I'm not doing any of it yet.
I need to find myself a decent job very soon. I have alot on my mind and money is going to be my best friend for awhile. I have one of the hugest decisions ahead of me, and though I've made that answer without a doubt in my mind, I need to make it perfect...I want to make it so that when it's all said and done, I've earned the most beautiful thing I've seen right now, and make it mine. I would give absolutely anything to have that happiness back, and mine forever.
I'm officially in ITT Tech and start on March 12th. I'm happy about that atleast. I have some projects that need to get started ASAP, and I want to get the creative brick thrown around alot soon. I'll update when I'm potentially in a better mood, or maybe if some other shit has been started. I will keep you updated.
(An update on all the stuff you should know...I removed afew things, such as the Johnson meter considering I don't like looking at that thing anymore, and some other stuff that isn't very noticeable. Have fun)
Picture of the update:
My prediction for the future: I'll probably get really pissed off more than I already am.
My mood rating on this Journal entry from 1-10(1 being worse...10 being good): 4
Random fact of the update: I'm contemplating too much right now.
Side projects:
-Obtaining a job: 0%
-Obtaining my drivers permit: 0%
-Learning how to play guitar: 40%
-Plotting for a movie: 10%
-Getting a decent guitar setup: 50%
Things you should probably be aware of:
-Days Don, Maiq, Susan, Brent, and I have gone without fast food: 51 days
-People in the no fast food bet that have lost: None
-Days I've had Brent's glucagon instructions on my desk: 429 days
-Days I've had a Cherry Condom and a blunt sitting on my desk: 453 days
-Days I've had a small pack of surgical lube on my desk: 133 day
-Days I've had Nicoles hairband around my wrist: 430 days
-Donation money to the CNSLCF(The Can): $0.15
-Days I've had a dollar that Mia's mom gave me while drunk sitting on my desk: 147 Days
-Days I've had the tennis ball used on the Morning of Mayhem which took place July 30, 2004: 907 days
-Cars I've driven without my license: 6 cars
-Number of times Brandon has touched my head: 64 times
-Days I've had my Sheetz order number 01 ticket(Sausage Biscuit and a cup of fries with honey mustard) - 101 Days
Money in Clides's pocket: $0.00
''The Morgue"
-R.I.P. Bag of Goldfish: 289 days old
-R.I.P. Expired Dr. Pepper: 913 days old
Someone had the right idea though. I've made better friends through the years, and lost some friends which sad to say, benefit me to say the least. I've made it out of High School, and experienced more than enough to make it to 19 years old obviously. I nevertheless found myself in one of the most depressed holes I've ever been in without letting it ruin 100% of my time with others. I'm losing touch to alot of things and trying to decide if it's for the best, or if I'm destined to lose touch in these ''childish'' things I love so much, or the things I gained in my High School years. Fucking bullshit!
I'm bitter and have been for awhile. I'm happy, optimistic, and excited for alot of things alot of the time, and other times I'm bitter, depressed, angry, and feel like vomiting out all of what I had just to make room for some new shit. However if I just pushed aside everything I loved and ''needed'', then I wouldn't be very happy at all don't you think? I'm sure alot of you can agree. None of us want to just lose touch of what we used to have if it makes us happy. That's the thing these days...some people push aside things to gain more, and others just make room without losing a goddamned thing. Basically what I'm trying to say is that 80% of everyone is full of shit.
(These next few lines are completely fueled by anger and most likely are ment to be read by anyone and everyone possible. Fucking right it is)
If you love something...WHY.FUCKING.PUSH.IT.ASIDE?!
Seriously, life is hard. If you just got that memo recently, then you're tardy as fuck. Welcome to the days of our lives. We are fueled by difficult concepts, and hardships as children, teenagers, and adults. If life was so easy, then we wouldn't really NEED to be living anyways...we could just die and see what's beyond life as we know it. We don't do that though, we go through the hard BS and fight our inner demons. We use each other to hold on to what we care for and we say how we feel. We NEVER LET GO. If we're strong willed human beings, then keep it the fuck up. If you translate what I'm talking about as the process of life as we know it, then you're doing great so far. If you don't know what I'm talking about by now at all on a personal standpoint, then I'll tell you.
I'm bitter, and feel cheated by life right now because I lost something that I love so much last month, and I truely and absolutely cannot accept how pissed off that makes me feel. I was in a great relationship, and believe it or not, I was completely aware of all these hardships ahead of me. I was willing to deal with it all. I even came to conclusions with myself after this was done last month and said ''Nothing I can do now.''...but fucking hell I just can't see why the fuck some of what was said, was truely said. I think too much...I create scenarios in my head that could really fucking suck for me, and I think ''Wow that could happen right now and I would be really pissed off.''. I think about where we're going to be years from now compared to where we WANT to be years from now...well atleast where I want to be from here on. I can't even think she actually wants that anymore.
I feel confused. I mean when a girl breaks up with you, it always seems to mean that something really shitty happened and it can either get fixed, or it doesn't get fixed. Most of the time the chick just finds some new guy to play with abit later on and the guy just finds himself laying there like a pile of shit. Most guys move on though. I'm not as strong willed if you couldn't tell. I've watched so many chicks break it off with their boyfriend and find some new ''man candy'' to grab onto, and I really can't find it in me to say that that isn't what can happen to me afew weeks from now, or a month from now or whatever. I've seen it happen to the closest of my friends...why wouldn't it happen to me? Even the best girls I see can turn sideways and fuck you the wrong way like a jackhammer switched on auto. So I get these calls every now and then, and I hear that she DOES infact care what's going on, and all that stuff...but I realized the obvious today...it's really what happens to every guy anyways(If the girl isn't a complete douchebag.). I'm puzzled at the fact that she couldn't just find some guy she'll find relative interest in, and/or sexual interest in. I mean quite frankly, it just happens to people, and if the playing field is on the table in front of you, then you feel obligated to play...well I can't play. I suck at the game. I picked up my game piece and put it down and folded. And every day now I'm thinking that she could be succeeding on just that, just to get the fun side of things or whatever it may be. I just don't know. I guess I'm paranoid...I guess I think too much...but all I know is that I think about it all the time, and it's the most hardest thing ever to know that the love of your life that you spent so much time and energy on and so many hopes and dreams on, just doesn't want you anymore. So there's always the ''maybe'' for our future. But what I want to know is do YOU think about us...do YOU wish things could be different, do YOU want no one else but me in your life? If doing this army thing and getting to the point where we can be together again is all you want then that's what I want to...because that is what I want and I nothing more than to fight for that point in life. But if you want to truely experience other people, and the playing field while this whole thing is happening, then I want to know how you can believe that if you loved me so much. I want to know how you can hope to ''see where this takes you'' when what you supposedly loved so much early January was the only thing you wanted years from now. I want to know if you're not the girl I'm almost thinking you are...just like all these other lost hopes laying around.(No offense to some of you out there...but we all know there are some pretty shitty people out there.). I want to know if you and I have the same dream and can find each other at the end of this tunnel. I want to know how you feel 100% so I can know if I'm alone on this or not. I want to know what all is in your head when I come to mind. I want to know if you can see yourself with anyone else...I want to know if you still feel the same way you did throughout the last year of our relationship, and tell me you still mean that. Just fucking tell me. That's all I want.
Ofcourse if I didn't think that was hard on my life then it can get worse. My parents have been in a complete shithole for the past years. To be technical, they were destined to be shit since the day I was born. They are dysfunctional, and can't survive with each other, and yet can't survive without each other. I've watched them crawl deeper into a hole and the most I've seen was my mom push her limitations mentally. It's making her sick and there's nothing I can clearly do about it. She's an alcoholic, she's paranoid, she's angry, depressed, and couldn't be more disrespected/underappreciated. I knew for a fact they would die out once I'm out of High school and whatnot...it's now just a matter of when it will take place...and it's sooner than ever these days. Sometimes they're great and can just deal with each other. Sometimes they hate the fuck out of each other. Sometimes they're pathetic. Sometimes they're equally shitty as people and I could do without them. In reality I couldn't live without the both of them, even though my mom puts herself down like fuck, and my dad isn't exactly the best thing since white rice. I've grown tired of watching them deal with their problems the way they do and it takes it's toll on me. Nothing more to that than a big pile of fucked up shit that I'm dealing with on the side.
I love my friends to death, yet all of them have grown apart in their own way that all together it creates a friction that isn't too well. I feel great things when most of them are together, but nothing is the same these days. There's absolutely nothing for any of us to do these days in this city. Overall everyone is going to go their seperate ways at some point and some of them are gonna be gone before I know it. It depresses the fuck out of me because I wish I were younger so I could experience those funny times again. Alot of me wishes I had done things sooner like actually talk to the girl I've noticed for years, who ended up being the best thing ever, or relive those moments of footage we took together, or try and not act the way I did sometimes when I was just shitting on myself. Now I feel like there was so much I could have done back then, that I feel like it's too late to make a difference. Either way it was bound to happen. We all are best of friends either way, and I couldn't live without any of them, but it will hurt not to see these people for quite some time, or even not see them ever again. Yeah I'm being a depressed fuck about it all but it's on my chest...basically I'll take advantage of the time we all have, but beyond these people, it's hard to see clearly at all. Life goes on at some point, it just depends on who wants to come with me/who I can actually go with.
School is coming up, and I think every day about how I need to succeed and make it to the end and then find out where I need to be afterwards. I'd like some film school afterwards...a great job. Some side projects that actually make it huge would be nice. I have so many dreams, and plans that I want to accomplish yet I'm finding it hard to get the motivation and the right group and atmosphere to do it in/with. So much I actually know I'm capable of and I'm not doing any of it yet.
I need to find myself a decent job very soon. I have alot on my mind and money is going to be my best friend for awhile. I have one of the hugest decisions ahead of me, and though I've made that answer without a doubt in my mind, I need to make it perfect...I want to make it so that when it's all said and done, I've earned the most beautiful thing I've seen right now, and make it mine. I would give absolutely anything to have that happiness back, and mine forever.
I'm officially in ITT Tech and start on March 12th. I'm happy about that atleast. I have some projects that need to get started ASAP, and I want to get the creative brick thrown around alot soon. I'll update when I'm potentially in a better mood, or maybe if some other shit has been started. I will keep you updated.
(An update on all the stuff you should know...I removed afew things, such as the Johnson meter considering I don't like looking at that thing anymore, and some other stuff that isn't very noticeable. Have fun)
Picture of the update:
My prediction for the future: I'll probably get really pissed off more than I already am.
My mood rating on this Journal entry from 1-10(1 being worse...10 being good): 4
Random fact of the update: I'm contemplating too much right now.
Side projects:
-Obtaining a job: 0%
-Obtaining my drivers permit: 0%
-Learning how to play guitar: 40%
-Plotting for a movie: 10%
-Getting a decent guitar setup: 50%
Things you should probably be aware of:
-Days Don, Maiq, Susan, Brent, and I have gone without fast food: 51 days
-People in the no fast food bet that have lost: None
-Days I've had Brent's glucagon instructions on my desk: 429 days
-Days I've had a Cherry Condom and a blunt sitting on my desk: 453 days
-Days I've had a small pack of surgical lube on my desk: 133 day
-Days I've had Nicoles hairband around my wrist: 430 days
-Donation money to the CNSLCF(The Can): $0.15
-Days I've had a dollar that Mia's mom gave me while drunk sitting on my desk: 147 Days
-Days I've had the tennis ball used on the Morning of Mayhem which took place July 30, 2004: 907 days
-Cars I've driven without my license: 6 cars
-Number of times Brandon has touched my head: 64 times
-Days I've had my Sheetz order number 01 ticket(Sausage Biscuit and a cup of fries with honey mustard) - 101 Days
Money in Clides's pocket: $0.00
''The Morgue"
-R.I.P. Bag of Goldfish: 289 days old
-R.I.P. Expired Dr. Pepper: 913 days old