Alrighty then, picture this if you will.
This week has hit me as one of those heartbreaking events that others say can only ''make me stronger''. If you don't know already then you should know(if you give two shits) that me and Nicole have finally broken up. It was a great run and shot at things, but I guess not everything lasts forever.
I never know what to feel these days...I'm angry, depressed, sad, indifferent, uncomfortable, alone, hopless, etc. I feel like a huge chunk of myself has fallen off and when I tried getting it back, it was truely impossible to put back together. It was like watching the pieces crumble, and when I tried putting the pieces back together, I only failed at doing so. I felt hate towards her for short periods of time because of what happened...I've been in this situation before and it wasn't as bad as this...I was young before, and now that I'm older and I have a huge idea of what love is...I was forced to lose it.
I guess earlier this week I figured I'd have more to say about this all...but in reality there's nothing to say about it...I could normally go on and on about the situation in huge details but this time I have no words. It was different for me to get out of this relationship because these days I feel it was one of the only things I had. It made me grow as a person and even the break up made me see things I didn't see before. Whether this is a point in the break up or not, or whether she saw it or not...I feel as though I didn't offer enough comfort, not enough of something...although I know I did what I could. I can't blame anyone in this situation to be honest and I won't. I don't hate her for what happened, but I feel as though she almost doesn't want to talk to me anymore, unless I initiate something. I feel like the pieces will only dissolve if I don't recognize they're there...It's almost as though I'm in the process of losing something that has become the most important thing of my life now. It's like fighting cancer and finding that there is no hope. Maybe I scared her away...maybe truthfully...she ran out of feeling. I guess when you're with someone and you both say ''I'll always love you'', or ''I'll never let you go'', you don't realize that you can't just promise something like that to someone. Hardships occur and if you're not strong willed enough, then you're going to fall. You're going to realize the life you thought of with this person could be a step away, and you're closer to closing the door to that...for whatever reason. I feel like some people don't take enough advantage of what they've got. I had something that for the first time in my life I felt I had amazing control with and felt as though it was always there somehow, somewhere, in some form...but now I'm not sure.
I always have nightmares about losing something or failing at something, and somehow I always lose that someone/something in reality. I find my dreams coming true in a lesser way...or maybe even in a greater way. I'm not a pessimist...I guess I just saw fate before it took place. I'm still failing to believe that this is the end. I had something beautiful, and she had something that she's never had before...she told me that so many times...but if it's not broken, then why fix it? If it's beautiful enough then why throw it away and hope for something better? Sure life is big and there's alot ahead of us all, but this is like having a favorite band, and then all of the sudden you stop listening to them and you put their CD's away and try to stop thinking about them because you want to hope for a newer and better band to pop up in afew years. Sometimes I feel like I just didn't do it enough...and I feel like I failed.
Other times I want to blame you for it all, hate you, kick your ass, and get inside your head and try and understand everything that I've missed. I want to do it right. I want to spite you, I want to talk to you for three hours and be happy, I want to hold you and tell you everything will be ok...I want to be there for five minutes and hold you and talk to you so that you can remember what's worth fighting for...and that's us.
We all have a long life ahead of us, and anyone who's reading this will know that life is too short...you gotta take chances sometimes...well Nicole, if you're reading this, then you should know that you can take a chance with me. Maybe you're not feeling us right now, and maybe theres more to it than meets the eye right now...but I'm always here for you regardless of how this all went down...sure it hurt for me, and I know it hurt for you, but I just hope you don't have to fight yourself to come back to me and say anything you feel, and take action of what you feel...I'm not bitter anymore, because I know we'll see each other again and somehow, for some reason...everything will be just fine...
I suppose I've said enough, and I guess I did give a good detailed entry of how I'm feeling. Not sure what to do now other than hope for the best on everything. Wish me luck....
And I will always Love you Nicole.
I'll update this weekend if I have time. Peace. Out.
Picture of the Update:
My prediction for the future: I'll probably get really sick.
My mood rating on this Journal entry from 1-10(1 being worse...10 being good): 0
Random fact of the update: I'm sick to my stomach.
Side projects:
-Obtaining a job: 0%
-Obtaining my drivers permit: 0%
-Learning how to play guitar: 40%
-Plotting for a movie: 0%
-Soundtrack plotting for a movie: 0%
-Getting a decent guitar setup: 50%
-Potential webcam video: 0%
Things you should probably be aware of:
-Days Don, Maiq, Susan, Brent, and I have gone without fast food: 31 days
-People in the no fast food bet that have lost: None
-Days I've had Brent's glucagon instructions on my desk: 409 days
-Days I've had a Cherry Condom and a blunt sitting on my desk: 433 days
-Days I've had a small pack of surgical lube on my desk: 113 day
-Days I've had Nicoles hairband around my wrist: 410 days
-Donation money to the CNSLCF(The Can): $0.38
-Days I've had a dollar that Mia's mom gave me while drunk sitting on my desk: 127 Days
-Days I've had the tennis ball used on the Morning of Mayhem which took place July 30, 2004: 887 days
-Cars I've driven without my license: 6 cars
-Number of times Brandon has touched my head: 59 times
-Days I've had my Sheetz order number 01 ticket(Sausage Biscuit and a cup of fries with honey mustard) - 81 Days
Money in Clides's pocket: $5.00
Motivation meter for doing another webcam video: 0%
Johnson Meter: -100%
''The Morgue"
-R.I.P. Bag of Goldfish: 289 days old
-R.I.P. Expired Dr. Pepper: 913 days old
I never know what to feel these days...I'm angry, depressed, sad, indifferent, uncomfortable, alone, hopless, etc. I feel like a huge chunk of myself has fallen off and when I tried getting it back, it was truely impossible to put back together. It was like watching the pieces crumble, and when I tried putting the pieces back together, I only failed at doing so. I felt hate towards her for short periods of time because of what happened...I've been in this situation before and it wasn't as bad as this...I was young before, and now that I'm older and I have a huge idea of what love is...I was forced to lose it.
I guess earlier this week I figured I'd have more to say about this all...but in reality there's nothing to say about it...I could normally go on and on about the situation in huge details but this time I have no words. It was different for me to get out of this relationship because these days I feel it was one of the only things I had. It made me grow as a person and even the break up made me see things I didn't see before. Whether this is a point in the break up or not, or whether she saw it or not...I feel as though I didn't offer enough comfort, not enough of something...although I know I did what I could. I can't blame anyone in this situation to be honest and I won't. I don't hate her for what happened, but I feel as though she almost doesn't want to talk to me anymore, unless I initiate something. I feel like the pieces will only dissolve if I don't recognize they're there...It's almost as though I'm in the process of losing something that has become the most important thing of my life now. It's like fighting cancer and finding that there is no hope. Maybe I scared her away...maybe truthfully...she ran out of feeling. I guess when you're with someone and you both say ''I'll always love you'', or ''I'll never let you go'', you don't realize that you can't just promise something like that to someone. Hardships occur and if you're not strong willed enough, then you're going to fall. You're going to realize the life you thought of with this person could be a step away, and you're closer to closing the door to that...for whatever reason. I feel like some people don't take enough advantage of what they've got. I had something that for the first time in my life I felt I had amazing control with and felt as though it was always there somehow, somewhere, in some form...but now I'm not sure.
I always have nightmares about losing something or failing at something, and somehow I always lose that someone/something in reality. I find my dreams coming true in a lesser way...or maybe even in a greater way. I'm not a pessimist...I guess I just saw fate before it took place. I'm still failing to believe that this is the end. I had something beautiful, and she had something that she's never had before...she told me that so many times...but if it's not broken, then why fix it? If it's beautiful enough then why throw it away and hope for something better? Sure life is big and there's alot ahead of us all, but this is like having a favorite band, and then all of the sudden you stop listening to them and you put their CD's away and try to stop thinking about them because you want to hope for a newer and better band to pop up in afew years. Sometimes I feel like I just didn't do it enough...and I feel like I failed.
Other times I want to blame you for it all, hate you, kick your ass, and get inside your head and try and understand everything that I've missed. I want to do it right. I want to spite you, I want to talk to you for three hours and be happy, I want to hold you and tell you everything will be ok...I want to be there for five minutes and hold you and talk to you so that you can remember what's worth fighting for...and that's us.
We all have a long life ahead of us, and anyone who's reading this will know that life is too short...you gotta take chances sometimes...well Nicole, if you're reading this, then you should know that you can take a chance with me. Maybe you're not feeling us right now, and maybe theres more to it than meets the eye right now...but I'm always here for you regardless of how this all went down...sure it hurt for me, and I know it hurt for you, but I just hope you don't have to fight yourself to come back to me and say anything you feel, and take action of what you feel...I'm not bitter anymore, because I know we'll see each other again and somehow, for some reason...everything will be just fine...
I suppose I've said enough, and I guess I did give a good detailed entry of how I'm feeling. Not sure what to do now other than hope for the best on everything. Wish me luck....
And I will always Love you Nicole.
I'll update this weekend if I have time. Peace. Out.
Picture of the Update:
My prediction for the future: I'll probably get really sick.
My mood rating on this Journal entry from 1-10(1 being worse...10 being good): 0
Random fact of the update: I'm sick to my stomach.
Side projects:
-Obtaining a job: 0%
-Obtaining my drivers permit: 0%
-Learning how to play guitar: 40%
-Plotting for a movie: 0%
-Soundtrack plotting for a movie: 0%
-Getting a decent guitar setup: 50%
-Potential webcam video: 0%
Things you should probably be aware of:
-Days Don, Maiq, Susan, Brent, and I have gone without fast food: 31 days
-People in the no fast food bet that have lost: None
-Days I've had Brent's glucagon instructions on my desk: 409 days
-Days I've had a Cherry Condom and a blunt sitting on my desk: 433 days
-Days I've had a small pack of surgical lube on my desk: 113 day
-Days I've had Nicoles hairband around my wrist: 410 days
-Donation money to the CNSLCF(The Can): $0.38
-Days I've had a dollar that Mia's mom gave me while drunk sitting on my desk: 127 Days
-Days I've had the tennis ball used on the Morning of Mayhem which took place July 30, 2004: 887 days
-Cars I've driven without my license: 6 cars
-Number of times Brandon has touched my head: 59 times
-Days I've had my Sheetz order number 01 ticket(Sausage Biscuit and a cup of fries with honey mustard) - 81 Days
Money in Clides's pocket: $5.00
Motivation meter for doing another webcam video: 0%
Johnson Meter: -100%
''The Morgue"
-R.I.P. Bag of Goldfish: 289 days old
-R.I.P. Expired Dr. Pepper: 913 days old