Been a while
I don't know where to really start. It has been a long time since I have written anything here and so much has changed. I honest to god have no love life. I am not trying anymore I am finally bettering myself instead of hoping someone will come around and want me. I have lacked so much respect for myself that I let certian people just walk all over me. Or no matter how mad I got even though it wouldn't be my fault I would still just say I was sorry to make it better. The truth is all of it hurt. Because lets be honest here, you can't be "in love" with two people at once. Its just impossible. I have been in love once that I am sure of and the other times that i thought I might be just turned out I was trying to fill the place or rather "replace" the other love that hurt so much. I have never been so hurt in my life. I was at rock bottom and I always tried to hold out hope even though I really knew that there was no way it was ever going to happen again. BUt when it did I was so happy. I was out of this world. Everyday I was on cloud nine and nothing could touch me. Until I started to let what people would say or little things that would happen get in my head. I would sit there and think about it and wonder and the more I would the bigger this monster would grow, until I would just explode. And finally even though I know it was for our greater good. We broke up again. And i was right back to where I started over 20 months before that. I mean to be with someone for so long like i am talking back from like Jr high and high school. You tend to grow up together and when certian things happen you begin to change and its not always with the other person. Things may get rough and they may get tough, but when you are together all the time you do start to depend on the other person. Just for support and you want them to be an 'active" part in your life not just sit on the side lines. And when you just dont give them a fair shot or you say well its for the best we need new people in our lives. It just isn't right. I Never healed from that day in the cafe. I never let it go. Being so hurt and so mad all at once. Then just to keep that person in my life I would do anything. Knowing that I still loved them with my whole heart, even though it just didn't seem like they loved me. And i know they found someone better because everyone knows they did. And I dont know what hurts more. That I wasn't good enough anymore or that they had to use an excuse to get out of my life. But in the end they came back and they were a better friend to me then anyone. ANd yet still even with that I manage to screw it up. I manage to ruin one of the best friendships I could ever have in this life time. I mean we are talking more and it is getting better, but I dont honestly think we will ever see eachother again and if we do it will be just in passing. And that makes me so sad. I knew not having this person in my life would be hard but I never thought it would be that hard. I miss making fun of people, or laughing at stupid movies, or just hanging out with the cat with them. They were and are still my best friend, but I guess when we decide to finally grow up some of the people that were there we seem to grow out of. ANd maybe thats what happened here, we were just in different points in our lives to stay so close. 'Maybe one day we will be close agian but for now I just want to tell them that I miss them more then anything as my best friend and that I am TRUELY sorry for hurting them the way I did. I hope one day they can forgive me and we can try to be those grerat friends again. I know people can't change over night but I sure am trying becuase you madde me realize that i needed too. I needed to grow up. And now I finally am and it feels good. Your the ebst and always will be the best. And no matter what I will always be here for you!!!!' I guess thats all I have to say, but I am fianlly happy with where I am and thats all that matters.