I Am A Rock
For a long time, this song by Simon & Garfunkel was like my personal theme:
A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
Bleak stuff, isn't it? For years, I wrapped myself in a cloak of stoicism because I was convinced that I would never love again. I'd tried many times and always failed, and after the last time, I just didn't have the will to keep trying. No one loved me, so why should I try to love anyone else?
And yet...and yet...
Somewhere deep inside, the part of me that believed in true love still resided, watching, waiting...and I knew it. Oh sure, I pretended like I was utterly jaded and cynical; the hopeless dream of finding a soulmate was just that, hopeless...except, really, I still felt like maybe it would happen at some later date. I just acted otherwise as a way to protect myself. Unraised hopes can never be dashed.
Ironically, the person I loved that rejected me for the final time, leading me to give up, essentially enabled me to move on. I fell for her again, after getting over all the anger and bitterness from the past, and though she still didn't love me the way I wanted, something about me had changed, and I was able to accept it. I still care about her immensely, but I no longer suffer from the unrequited love that tore at me for so many years. Once I was ready to tentatively look again, I found someone I bonded with rapidly. She was all wrong for me, and that also ended with my rejection, and it hurt really badly, but the experience showed me I was ready to put myself back out there, which I did. It was just a matter of finding the right girl for me.
I think I found her, but there is no hurry, no rush to figure it all out right away. We still have to meet, and she's not as sure as me that when we do it will be great. I doubt there is anything I can do to convince her I'm right, so all I can do is bide my time until we're finally face to face sometime next year. I'm realistic enough to know I might be wrong and that it will fizzle. I think she is trying to maintain lowered expectations to avoid the disappointment she felt from her last meeting, which didn't live up to the hype. Well, someone has to be positive and optimistic, and who better than this longtime idealist? I'll take the fall if I turn out to be wrong, and that's fine with me. I can handle it. In the meantime, we have much music to explore and discuss, plus a game to devise, among lots of other mutual interests to keep us occupied.
A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
Bleak stuff, isn't it? For years, I wrapped myself in a cloak of stoicism because I was convinced that I would never love again. I'd tried many times and always failed, and after the last time, I just didn't have the will to keep trying. No one loved me, so why should I try to love anyone else?
And yet...and yet...
Somewhere deep inside, the part of me that believed in true love still resided, watching, waiting...and I knew it. Oh sure, I pretended like I was utterly jaded and cynical; the hopeless dream of finding a soulmate was just that, hopeless...except, really, I still felt like maybe it would happen at some later date. I just acted otherwise as a way to protect myself. Unraised hopes can never be dashed.
Ironically, the person I loved that rejected me for the final time, leading me to give up, essentially enabled me to move on. I fell for her again, after getting over all the anger and bitterness from the past, and though she still didn't love me the way I wanted, something about me had changed, and I was able to accept it. I still care about her immensely, but I no longer suffer from the unrequited love that tore at me for so many years. Once I was ready to tentatively look again, I found someone I bonded with rapidly. She was all wrong for me, and that also ended with my rejection, and it hurt really badly, but the experience showed me I was ready to put myself back out there, which I did. It was just a matter of finding the right girl for me.
I think I found her, but there is no hurry, no rush to figure it all out right away. We still have to meet, and she's not as sure as me that when we do it will be great. I doubt there is anything I can do to convince her I'm right, so all I can do is bide my time until we're finally face to face sometime next year. I'm realistic enough to know I might be wrong and that it will fizzle. I think she is trying to maintain lowered expectations to avoid the disappointment she felt from her last meeting, which didn't live up to the hype. Well, someone has to be positive and optimistic, and who better than this longtime idealist? I'll take the fall if I turn out to be wrong, and that's fine with me. I can handle it. In the meantime, we have much music to explore and discuss, plus a game to devise, among lots of other mutual interests to keep us occupied.