Thinking about life and love
Maybe I feel things too deeply. Maybe I'm just going through a 'phase'. I don't know what to call it. Then again, I never know what to call it when I feel like this. The word I'll use for now is disconnected. Yea, that's a good word to describe it.
The thing is, I've been in good company tonight. My roomie and I ran around together this afternoon while I took care of a few errands. We had an early dinner at the local Mongolian grill (burgundy cooking wine and curry sauce FTW) and used the free wifi in the shopping center to do some catching up on FA; I did an eBay ad too. We caught the late movie and saw Dark Knight (if you haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend it). After we got home, however, the emptiness started to set in again.
It's always like I'm missing something. I had this feeling even before I got to Idaho. Since I've been here though, it's just made itself more prevalent. I can determine a few reasons why. I'm away from anything familiar (family, surroundings, etc). I once had security in the form of a nicely established career, but I gave it up to attempt to start life over. I tore myself out of the fabric of everything I knew as life and just left it behind. Why? I know it's been a hard year. Divorce. Facing a complete change in how I live. Trying to pick up the pieces and have some form of a life again. The stigma of coming out in a world where God was supposed to be #1 and everything else would supposedly fall into place, as I was assured on more than one occasion.
It hasn't been so easy for me. I had almost nothing to fall back on in my old world. I say almost, mainly because there was Steve, who I've mentioned before as being the only father figure I've had in my life. He's always been there when my family needed him and during my divorce was no exception. He took me right in when my ex kicked me out. I was welcome to stay as long as I needed to get back on my feet. So why did I leave? I had it made, right? I guess the point I knew was relevant was I need to be on my own, not depending on someone else to basically support me. I couldn't place that burden on Steve, not after what my mother has put him through. I don't want to end up a financial burden on anyone.
Speaking of my mother, you would think that I'm perhaps heartless for leaving my family behind. Well, I had to. I know I'm no shining example of normalcy, but I want more from life than what they seem to want. I need to be connected to the world around me. I don't want to just be a homebody and sit there watching life go by. I can't do that. I won't do that. I really don't have all the words I could use to describe more reasons for leaving my family behind, but I know if I had stayed I'd rather just blow my brains out.
So when I moved to Idaho to be with my best friend I guess everything was supposed to be just rosy. I will say I'm thankful for the chance to relocate to a new and exciting place. It is a rather nice area. The people I've encountered to date have been nothing but friendly. My roomie is an unusual sort, but so am I. I don't have employment just yet but that will come soon enough. I guess I'm just having a hard time feeling like I belong here. The only people I 'know' are my roomie and, to a smaller degree, his parents and sister. Maybe when I get a job and have more folks to talk to I'll branch out more on the social level. Don't get me wrong - my roomie/best friend is good company, but a lot of times I feel like I'm not the company he deserves. I can't ever gauge whether I'm 'fitting in'. Maybe I shouldn't worry about such things, but a teeny bit of affirmation now and then, especially for an outsider like me, would be helpful. Am I being unreasonable or stupid? Probably.
In addition to life being completely changed for me, there's the aspect of love. Whether we admit it, we all need it in some way. I know, and acknowledge, that I certainly do. I continue to hope for the day when I'll have that special man with whom I can share my life and that wants me to be the mate in his. Until then, I'll just play the role of hopeless romantic. It seems to come easy for me. I can't help that I imagine days where I walk down the street holding hands or nights cuddling in the arms of someone who truly loves me. A furry friend and I were having a discussion on this subject one night. It was kinda scary that we both had similar romantic visions, two in particular that come to mind at the moment. One, a long walk hand-in-hand down the beach on a warm summer evening. Two, lying together on a blanket in the grass under a star-filled night sky. That's the good stuff, folks. Perfectly made for sharing with someone special.
Is hoping for romance asking for too much, really? I'd like to hope not. I'm sure I'm not the first to say something like what I've written here, but like those before me I'm admitting that I long for it. So sue me for going public with it. I don't really give a damn. When you get to a certain point in life, you don't worry so much what others think when it comes to meeting your needs, especially in the area of love. You know yourself better than anyone else, and you know what sort of mate will meet your needs. I will admit my needs are not met as of yet, but I am consciously working toward it.
In the meantime, I can be thankful for the intimate encounters I've experienced to date. I'll go on record and say I'm not just a fuck. There has to be at least some connection if I'm going to be intimate with someone. I'm not out for sex just to divide and conquer. Nope, not worth it to me. I'd rather be alone than be a basic slut.
Meh, I don't know what the hell to say to sum all this up. I'm just lonely. I need to thank everyone who has actually taken time to read my rather lengthy journal entries. I usually have a lot on my mind and LJ has been a helpful outlet to make things known to those with whom I choose to share. Please feel free to share your comments, or if you're not comfortable with public commenting you know how else to get hold of me. I'm a big kitty and can take criticism too.