Facing the death of a parent
I've had a lot of relatives die over the years. Nearly all of them I've never really been close to. Great aunts, great uncles, distant cousins I've maybe met once in my life, etc. But death has decided to pay a visit right next door.
Mom's been in the hospital for a couple of days now. The doctor just told her this morning that her kidneys are going to completely fail. It's just a matter of when. They're going to put her on the nationwide donor request list. In the meantime, they've mentioned dialysis. Now, I've never experienced anything like this and frankly...I'm not sure how to handle it. Unnerved is a really good word to describe me right now. I mean, this is the woman in my life I've always known as mom. She's the only parent I have in my life (dad left us when I was 5 and lil bro was 2). The one who raised us on nursing home and factory wages with the assistance of welfare and other government programs. Hell, it was all we had growing up poor for most of our lives. Yet through all the financial struggles, scraping to make life better for her two children, she never gave up on us. Never abandoned us. She shed a lot of tears over the years, but any god as my witness she made sure we had a roof over our head and food on the table. Bless that woman.
She's also a rock in our family as a whole. My grandparents are ailing in health these days and she helps care for them through housework and running errands. Meanwhile their house deteriorates around them, the embankment in front of it that is eroding at a rather rapid rate threatening to consume it. Now, their main source of aid is in need of aid of her own. I don't know what to do, what to say. I've been through so many things of my own and I'm still a mess from them. I have no one to reach out to, so I just let things run their course through my mind and I function day by day. It's all I can do, and that's not saying much of anything.
I just have so many things running through my mind. I don't know what I'll do when 'that' time comes. I know I haven't been the son I could be. I don't see her as often as I probably should. I could call more often to just say hi and not just to see if she's feeling well. My being gay can't be easy on her even if she does put up a happy front. I fear for what will happen to my grandparents if she goes before they do. Mom has 5 siblings, only one of which regularly keeps in contact and that is the one that lives with her, a sister/my aunt. And of course, I worry about everyone's finances, a lot of which are not existent. Rural life is not a prosperous one.
Anyway, I need prayers, lifting thoughts, something to hold onto - be it ever so intangible. I have no physical companionship, so I'll have to be very creative with the imagination for now.
Oh, and my divorce was final as of lunchtime today. Lovely.
Mom's been in the hospital for a couple of days now. The doctor just told her this morning that her kidneys are going to completely fail. It's just a matter of when. They're going to put her on the nationwide donor request list. In the meantime, they've mentioned dialysis. Now, I've never experienced anything like this and frankly...I'm not sure how to handle it. Unnerved is a really good word to describe me right now. I mean, this is the woman in my life I've always known as mom. She's the only parent I have in my life (dad left us when I was 5 and lil bro was 2). The one who raised us on nursing home and factory wages with the assistance of welfare and other government programs. Hell, it was all we had growing up poor for most of our lives. Yet through all the financial struggles, scraping to make life better for her two children, she never gave up on us. Never abandoned us. She shed a lot of tears over the years, but any god as my witness she made sure we had a roof over our head and food on the table. Bless that woman.
She's also a rock in our family as a whole. My grandparents are ailing in health these days and she helps care for them through housework and running errands. Meanwhile their house deteriorates around them, the embankment in front of it that is eroding at a rather rapid rate threatening to consume it. Now, their main source of aid is in need of aid of her own. I don't know what to do, what to say. I've been through so many things of my own and I'm still a mess from them. I have no one to reach out to, so I just let things run their course through my mind and I function day by day. It's all I can do, and that's not saying much of anything.
I just have so many things running through my mind. I don't know what I'll do when 'that' time comes. I know I haven't been the son I could be. I don't see her as often as I probably should. I could call more often to just say hi and not just to see if she's feeling well. My being gay can't be easy on her even if she does put up a happy front. I fear for what will happen to my grandparents if she goes before they do. Mom has 5 siblings, only one of which regularly keeps in contact and that is the one that lives with her, a sister/my aunt. And of course, I worry about everyone's finances, a lot of which are not existent. Rural life is not a prosperous one.
Anyway, I need prayers, lifting thoughts, something to hold onto - be it ever so intangible. I have no physical companionship, so I'll have to be very creative with the imagination for now.
Oh, and my divorce was final as of lunchtime today. Lovely.