how do you deal with that shit
when i was ten
he tells me as he sits in the seat next to mine
my best friend, who was also my cousin, killed himself
oh god, i reply, that's awful, all the while knowing i have to tell him
my aunt used to babysit me
he continues
my cousin was sixteen, but we were close, really close
one day i went over there and my aunt hadn't seen him all morning
so i went looking for him
i look over at this boy and his child like features
i never would've guessed he'd been through this pain
i went down to his room
the story keeps going
and there he was
just hanging there
i was only ten kimi
i didn't know any better
i pulled him down
his dead body fell on top of me
and i just laid there under him
until someone found us both
all i can do is glance at him sideways and keep driving
i take a deep breath
you know
i tell him
i know it sounds dumb
but i understand
my best friend killed himself too
and i found him
yeah
he replies
but lying on top of me
how do deal with that shit
i keep my eyes forward
and keep driving
because i don't know how to answer his question
i know i should tell him
exactly what i went through
but i can't
i don't know how to say it was my fault
that he fucked me and then offed himself
but i don't
and i just sit in silence
and then the stories just spill out
i know you're going to think i'm weak
but i had a coke addiction
i just got out of rehab
weak? i think to myself
weak is still having the addiction
did i tell you i had one with heroin
of course not
cuz i don't know how to open up to anyone
except that you are one of the few people that i should tell
you are one of the few that will actually understand
and understanding is all i want
everyone has sympathy
i need empathy
i need to say these things and not get the sheltered looks
of every fucking person that goes to this school
but i'm afraid
cuz i think it makes me look weak
and cuz if i tell you
i'm opening myself up
and i'm giving you a way in
and then you can break my heart
and i can't handle you breaking my heart
but tonight
as i write this
i'm texting you
cuz i can't fall asleep
and you are the sweetest guy in the world
and now i've opened up to you
and i'm scared out of my mind
he tells me as he sits in the seat next to mine
my best friend, who was also my cousin, killed himself
oh god, i reply, that's awful, all the while knowing i have to tell him
my aunt used to babysit me
he continues
my cousin was sixteen, but we were close, really close
one day i went over there and my aunt hadn't seen him all morning
so i went looking for him
i look over at this boy and his child like features
i never would've guessed he'd been through this pain
i went down to his room
the story keeps going
and there he was
just hanging there
i was only ten kimi
i didn't know any better
i pulled him down
his dead body fell on top of me
and i just laid there under him
until someone found us both
all i can do is glance at him sideways and keep driving
i take a deep breath
you know
i tell him
i know it sounds dumb
but i understand
my best friend killed himself too
and i found him
yeah
he replies
but lying on top of me
how do deal with that shit
i keep my eyes forward
and keep driving
because i don't know how to answer his question
i know i should tell him
exactly what i went through
but i can't
i don't know how to say it was my fault
that he fucked me and then offed himself
but i don't
and i just sit in silence
and then the stories just spill out
i know you're going to think i'm weak
but i had a coke addiction
i just got out of rehab
weak? i think to myself
weak is still having the addiction
did i tell you i had one with heroin
of course not
cuz i don't know how to open up to anyone
except that you are one of the few people that i should tell
you are one of the few that will actually understand
and understanding is all i want
everyone has sympathy
i need empathy
i need to say these things and not get the sheltered looks
of every fucking person that goes to this school
but i'm afraid
cuz i think it makes me look weak
and cuz if i tell you
i'm opening myself up
and i'm giving you a way in
and then you can break my heart
and i can't handle you breaking my heart
but tonight
as i write this
i'm texting you
cuz i can't fall asleep
and you are the sweetest guy in the world
and now i've opened up to you
and i'm scared out of my mind