Healing daily
I met Matthew a couple years before Isaiah came along I remember being in awe of how handsome and sweet he was and just convincing myself there was no way someone like him would ever really be interested in someone like me. I mean how could he be? Why would he be? We spent a couple amazing weeks together and I really started to care for him when one of his friends decided to inform me I was just there while the wife was away.... I knew he was married but really believed him when he said they were separated and getting divorced. And to top it off his wife found me on Myspace and began to bombard me with questions. I decided I would not be the reason for someones divorce, told her we were just friends and nothing more and cut off all contact with him. Sure over the years I would email him or message him in a moment of weakness and he would me as well but he had moved far away and found someone new so nothing stuck and we continued to live our lives.
About 2.5 years ago I was in a 5 year on and off relationship with a convict whom I was head over heals in love with. After 5 years of being strung along and used I was beginning to realize I deserved happiness and I was most definitely not happy. When out of the blue, on my then boyfriends birthday, I got a message on Facebook from Matthew "Do you remember me?" I was surprised...what odd timing I thought...here I am crying and heartbroken because its my boyfriend birthday and he will not answer my calls or texts (on the phone I bought him) and this message pops up. It seemed destined...I needed someone at that moment and there he was. Although I was very unhappy I was still in a relationship and the first thing I said was "I am in a relationship please be respectful" I think that struck Matt as funny because he was just looking for friend at the time. And that's when we started to reconnect.
I was so determined not to have feelings for this man. After all he was engaged and I found it super annoying and upsetting that every time we connected he was still in a relationship. It made me feel like I was only good enough to be the side chick but it made it easier for me to hold off on my feelings. But not for long...A month after we began talking he had raised my self esteem and awareness and I realized I deserved more than I had given myself credit for. It was then that I broke up with me ex. I was nervous but I was okay and surprisingly my ex accepted it and agreed that I deserved more than he could give me.
Things were odd between Matt and I for a while. We texted and called each other constantly. I tried so hard to contain my feelings since he was in a relationship but one time it just slipped..."okay bye, I Love You." I apologized and his response was just "I wanted to say it first...I love you too" I still refused to give in until he was single and I could comfortably have feelings for him. I couldn't push him but a few weeks later it just happened...he called letting me know he told her it was over. I was in shock...I just really never thought he would do it and that we would eventually lose touch just like before and possibly reconnect in another 10 years.
When we first got together the first 2 months were magical! I made every effort to talk to him and also came to visit him 2 times in Alabama. Not a small feat when you are a single mom making $9 hr...but I was determined to show him I was committed! But then things just sort of started to feel weird. He didn't flirt as much as he used to I started to feel unattractive. Then he would turn his phone off on Friday nights and say he was going out with friends then complain the next week that he had no friends in Alabama...ummm okay. I was going out in Corpus with good friends so I did not mind him going out it was just that he would disappear and not contact me until the next day that hurt. I would sit at the bar with my friends and message him the whole time...why couldn't he? It was not until almost a year later that I found out his "friend" was a woman who he had been hanging out with and being intimate with. I was torn...completely and utterly ripped to shreds...uncontrollable crying and head to toe body pain. I could not even eat for 4 days straight and ended up losing 13 lbs. I had done what I swore I would not...I had fallen in love, complete all consuming love with this man...and he did what they all do...he broke my heart.
What he never understood is that I swore I would never trust again but I trusted him. I swore I would not let my heart feel again but I felt for him. I swore I would not be taken advantage of...and I let him, I let him hurt me because deep down I knew but I did not want to think that he would hurt me like that because he loved me...right? ...Wrong...he did hurt me like that because he was insecure and thought that I was doing the same thing. He really did not know me and my heart because I would never have done that to him...never.
A year later I am living in Alabama with him. I wake up every morning next to him and it crosses my mind.."Does he still love me today?" and then I dismiss the thought and hear him walk out the door on the way to work "what women friends are at his work?" I think and dismiss it again...When he stays late at work 30 mins or 2 hours my mind races " Is he meeting up with someone because I am not good enough?"...I try so hard everyday to love him without feeling less than but he didn't hurt me once. He hurt me with his wife, he hurt me with his fiance, he hurt me with his co-worker, when is he going to hurt me again?...not if. I beg him not to message exes and women friends but he refuses and it hurts because I am just waiting for the next more interesting women to come along like before. I will never understand because I would never talk to exes friends or not because I respect him so much I would never want him to question my devotion. I even have friends whom I never dated message me and I send quick reply's because I don't want to do anything that looks wrong or can be misconstrued as inappropriate banter.
It sucks to love someone so much and still question where you stand... I just keep praying to heal.