Can you hate, hate?
hmmm half way til two and i'm and idiot. i miss my dad so much, and he left me yesturday morning. well i'll see him this weekend. its sad b/c i love her so much, but i just simply cannot live with my mother -in harmony atleast. i hate her when i talk to her, listen to her, look at her, its a horrible thing to say. i just wish she would treat me like a daughter, and spend time with me and actually take interest and be a apart of my life. she wasnt always this way. when i was little, well like 7th grade and down, she was always with me. taking care of me, talking to me, taking me places... its all gone now. she is edna pontellier verbaitum. its sad, but i think shes depressed. i think there's a void in her life and thats why she cant help taking everything out on me. i love her so much , and i wish i could talk to her. i would never forgive myslef if something happened to her and i didnt tell her how i felt. but i just cant. its too hard. i cant stand this hate in my heart, it isnt clean. and she probably wouldnt listen. just tell me to shut up , or say shes going out and wont be back for a while. i feel like ever since the divorce, i'm the only adult in the house, and i'm asking where she was all day and night, i'm asking why she didnt call, or why she didnt tell me where she was, or to clean up her mess, or pushing her so she wont be late to appointments. its so hard on me. it hurts. i feel like i have no mother sometimes. all she ever does it tell me how worhless i am, how i never do anything, how i'm such a hassel... and I KNOW SHE DOESNT MEAN THESE HORRIBLE THINGS THAT SHE SAYS, and i guess she doesnt know how much she hurts me, but i know inside that shes the one whose hurting herself, and i feel like its up to me to alleviate the her suffering, but i CANT DO IT. i wish she would just TALK to me... she was reckless and threw so many irreplacable valuables away. for one our family. we were perfect to say the least. and no matter how hard you try, the damge has been done, and we will never be one again. she's just looking for something right now... i hope she finds it. i cant live like this anymore, its so hard on me. she makes me feel worthless. and whenever you push someone away thats usually the time when you actually want them the most. and i DO WANT HER RIGHT NOW. even though i say i hate her, and that i wished i lived with my dad, i do wish she would hold me, and talk to me, and tell me how proud she is of me... but she doesnt. its hard. but i know shes doesnt mean it. i understand.
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