.Betrayal, my violent lover...
I think a friend of mine put it best, when I told her that I felt like when Matt and I split up, I lost a lot of friends - that I'm working to recover a "bad" reputation, while he is only tarnishing a "good" one. It's funny, how much harder it can be to do the former, even when the one doing the latter is perhaps far more deserving of a bit of retribution. I do hope that Matt finds a way to fit his son into his new life, but in the meantime, I guess I'll just keep on, keeping on. I'm pretty lucky. Caden is beautiful, and amazing. He's so smart, and sweet, and loving. I pretty much adore my job, and the people I work with. I have great friends, and a wonderful support system in my family.
We're all different people. We've all done things that maybe we couldn't have, back then, become stronger, made mistakes, and perhaps, finally, found our ways in life. I think, maybe, that that is the beauty of life. Every friend won and lost is another page in our stories. Without those pages, the story wouldn't find its end. And in the end, it's always okay. Maybe not great, or perfect, but nothing beautiful is ever perfect. We're all of us human, with strengths and weaknesses that we have to adapt to, or learn to overcome. We're all beautiful, all amazing. I can't regret a moment, because it took every moment to get to this point, this quiet contentment. I am at peace, and it puts my soul at ease to know that all of the people I've loved, who have helped to shape me into the woman I have become, are finding their peace, as well.
Averro, life never stops, love never ends, and hope never dies. Live, believe, and find the miracles, every day, because they are there, if only you take the time to search for them.
Today, life hurts a little. I know he checks my myspace; yet, the day after I post something incredibly important about his son's health, he is still unreachable. No answer. No returned call. No email. Instead, a blog post about his fiancee and the book he's writing. How are those things more important than his son? It breaks me down, it makes me cry. I don't hate Kat, or think bad things about her or their engagement. I want, yes, I truly want Matt to be happy. You cannot unlove someone, no matter how hard you try at times. I loved that man, for a long time, through thick and thin. Two months after he abandoned us, he was engaged. It stung. It still stings, I won't lie. It makes me cry. But my sadness is not born of jealousy; it is born of the feelings of inadequacy I am left with. While she is undoubtedly a great person, what makes her so much better than me? Or, more importantly, Cade? What makes us so easily cast aside? Nothing. Nothing makes me less worthy of love, and certainly nothing on earth makes Caden less than incredible. So I have to hold my head high, smile brightly, and love when I can love, forgive when I can forgive. My anger needs a channel, and I need to push ahead through this moment of weakness.
So while, perhaps, tonight I will take it easy, smoke a few more cigarettes, and maybe even have a drink, I will wake up tomorrow with my beautiful boy and, like always, his grins and giggles will make me smile, and prove to me that life is so much worth living and loving. My child was conceived in love, he was born in love, and he will live, in love. This, too, shall pass. Every day is a new day. I just need to be sad for awhile. I am a strong enough woman that I can shed a few tears, then smile. For while this hurts, while it hurts to be alone, while it hurts sometimes so much I can't breathe that he doesn't love us, time heals all wounds. It's a little easier, every day, to forget. To forgive. To believe that just because one man was once my world, and then he shattered it, that there will eventually be someone who will come along and kneel down, helping me pick up the pieces. We will glue it back together. And while perhaps it will never be as it once was, what we will create with our world-puzzle will be new, and terribly intriguing. I will keep living until then, with love-soaked dreams of my new, beautiful, interesting world. Maybe this pain is healing, because today, I feel a little less jaded. A little less bitter. A little more ready to move on, forging ahead with my son's hand clasped in mine.
For while the evil may prevail while on Earth, only the pure of heart triumph after death. If I have to wait until I'm 100 and die to reap the benefits of my life well-lived, then I will have 100 years worth of beautiful memories to live, love, make, and remember in the meantime.
We're all different people. We've all done things that maybe we couldn't have, back then, become stronger, made mistakes, and perhaps, finally, found our ways in life. I think, maybe, that that is the beauty of life. Every friend won and lost is another page in our stories. Without those pages, the story wouldn't find its end. And in the end, it's always okay. Maybe not great, or perfect, but nothing beautiful is ever perfect. We're all of us human, with strengths and weaknesses that we have to adapt to, or learn to overcome. We're all beautiful, all amazing. I can't regret a moment, because it took every moment to get to this point, this quiet contentment. I am at peace, and it puts my soul at ease to know that all of the people I've loved, who have helped to shape me into the woman I have become, are finding their peace, as well.
Averro, life never stops, love never ends, and hope never dies. Live, believe, and find the miracles, every day, because they are there, if only you take the time to search for them.
Today, life hurts a little. I know he checks my myspace; yet, the day after I post something incredibly important about his son's health, he is still unreachable. No answer. No returned call. No email. Instead, a blog post about his fiancee and the book he's writing. How are those things more important than his son? It breaks me down, it makes me cry. I don't hate Kat, or think bad things about her or their engagement. I want, yes, I truly want Matt to be happy. You cannot unlove someone, no matter how hard you try at times. I loved that man, for a long time, through thick and thin. Two months after he abandoned us, he was engaged. It stung. It still stings, I won't lie. It makes me cry. But my sadness is not born of jealousy; it is born of the feelings of inadequacy I am left with. While she is undoubtedly a great person, what makes her so much better than me? Or, more importantly, Cade? What makes us so easily cast aside? Nothing. Nothing makes me less worthy of love, and certainly nothing on earth makes Caden less than incredible. So I have to hold my head high, smile brightly, and love when I can love, forgive when I can forgive. My anger needs a channel, and I need to push ahead through this moment of weakness.
So while, perhaps, tonight I will take it easy, smoke a few more cigarettes, and maybe even have a drink, I will wake up tomorrow with my beautiful boy and, like always, his grins and giggles will make me smile, and prove to me that life is so much worth living and loving. My child was conceived in love, he was born in love, and he will live, in love. This, too, shall pass. Every day is a new day. I just need to be sad for awhile. I am a strong enough woman that I can shed a few tears, then smile. For while this hurts, while it hurts to be alone, while it hurts sometimes so much I can't breathe that he doesn't love us, time heals all wounds. It's a little easier, every day, to forget. To forgive. To believe that just because one man was once my world, and then he shattered it, that there will eventually be someone who will come along and kneel down, helping me pick up the pieces. We will glue it back together. And while perhaps it will never be as it once was, what we will create with our world-puzzle will be new, and terribly intriguing. I will keep living until then, with love-soaked dreams of my new, beautiful, interesting world. Maybe this pain is healing, because today, I feel a little less jaded. A little less bitter. A little more ready to move on, forging ahead with my son's hand clasped in mine.
For while the evil may prevail while on Earth, only the pure of heart triumph after death. If I have to wait until I'm 100 and die to reap the benefits of my life well-lived, then I will have 100 years worth of beautiful memories to live, love, make, and remember in the meantime.