Masturbation ponderings...
Maybe this isn't that important, but I swear I've always questioned myself about it, and I'd really like to see if any of you might have some comments about it, and perhaps even similiar experiences (I think it might be likely...)
Whenever I take a shower or undress (i'm not on T and have had no surgeries, and I'm 18, for the record) I generally just ignore my body. I wash it and do what I need to and all that. If I happen to glance in the mirror and see myself naked, I get that sick feeling, which would probably be defined as body dysphoria. I hate seeing my genitals full on. If i had to look at my entire self naked for more than ten seconds I'd probably go insane. Yeah, thats quite normal for a transsexual.
I'm fairly certain I started masturbating at about 10 years old. But I would never touch my bare skin, I would do it over my underwear. So I could definetely feel myself, only not "all the way" I guess. I remember sort of telling myself it would be okay if I just didnt touch the real thing.
I did it alot. I really liked having orgasms. Eh, who doesn't. Sometimes afterwards I would feel incredibly guilty. I would tell myself I shouldn't do it anymore, I should just forget about it. But that never works out, and by the next day or so I would argue with myself about whether or not I should do it. Sometimes it seemed like it was actually...okay...and other times I would bawl my eyes out, even if I had orgasmed.
Now, I am aware that stimulating my genitals does not make me a female, or any less of a male. But being okay with somewhat normal masturbation (even though I still do it over my underwear) makes me question whether or not I am a true transsexual. I know no one can answer that for me and that its something that really only I can answer. But I've seen discussions about methods of masterbation and some TS guys always say "they could never touch their genitals in any way, they have to use a prosthesis to rub up against" (I've tried it, I like it for making the mind/body connection, but I dont have the patience for it when it comes to trying to have a good O) so sometimes I fight with whether or not I am truly transsexual or just transgendered. I know my sexual identity is male, so maybe I should stop being so hard on myself about the way I pleasure myself.
I want bottom surgery. I'm pretty sure I'll end up going with a meta, because its not that complicated or risky, and I could still have balls and pee standing up, and that would be alot better.
To those of you who have had any type of bottom surgery...could you at all relate to my methods? I'd just like to know that those with bottom surgery did use their old genitals but still had surgery and never regretted it.
I'm sorry if this post seems lacking in real depth. I've just honestly always wondered how I can feel truly transsexual but still masterbate the way I do.