My Adventures in the MK: Part Three
In a week or so I was released from the hospital and began immediately helping the other koopas secure the castle and surrounding town. I wasn't exactly sure what everyone was so worried about but it definitely seemed bad. Everyone seemed worried sick over it, terrified that they'd all be slaughtered. Even the youngest of koopalings were convinced that they would be killed if someone didn't stop 'Him'.
In the beginning I would ask who 'He' was but nobody would say a thing. It was as if saying 'His' name would summon him or some such nonsense.
Finally I got sick of it all and decided to go to the dungeon of Castle Koopa and interrogate Princess Daisy. Surely she'd know something about this horrible creature that was coming with intentions on destroying every last koopa.
After walking past countless cells I found her guarded by a pair of koopa soldiers. I dismissed them and peered at her through the bars of the cell.
She wasn't that bad looking. Sure she was filthy and her dress was in tatters and her hair looked like it hadn't been brushed in months but she still wasn't bad at all. Much better than Wendy O. Koopa, who was constantly trying to fuck me.
"So you're Princess Daisy, huh?" I asked as I lit up a cigarette.
She peered at me sheepishly and looked away as soon as I noticed her looking at me.
"You're quite the talkative one aren't you? What did they use the pear on you already? Snap your jaw? Or do you just not wanna talk to me?"
I pulled the cell key from the wall and slowly unlocked the door.
Princess Daisy shrank into the farthest corner of the cell as I stepped in and shut the door behind me.
"I have a few questions to ask you," I said as I stepped before her. "Don't worry, I don't plan on torturing you or anything like that. I just wanna know what the fuck is going on and nobody else is telling me shit."
"Let me out of here . . . and I'll tell you anything you want to know," she mumbled.
"Princess, you know I can't do that. I work for King Bowser. I'm his right-hand-man. I'm not going to betray him by letting you go. Even if it does satisfy my curiosity," I said, squatting down.
"I will torture you if I have to, Princess. All I want to know is who is coming. Every fucking koopa around is scared shitless over this 'Him' person who's coming to kill everyone and I want to know who it is."
She hesitated for a moment, " . . . Mario."
"Mario who?" I asked.
"Mario Mario," she repeated with a subtle smile.
"Who the fuck is that?"
She sighed, "My hero. It's been prophesied that whenever a Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom is kidnapped by the evil King Bowser, a hero from another world will come and rescue her. Like you were supposed to do . . .you betrayed me. You were supposed to rescue me from him and instead you join him and murder thousands of my people. You are cursed, damned. Please leave me."
A sudden fit of rage overtook me and I grabbed her by the throat, "Look at me, bitch. Prophesies are bullshit. I didn't betray anyone. I don't give a fuck about anyone but me. What would I have gotten out of rescuing you, huh? A pat on the back? I can't buy a home with that. I can't get whores with that. So fuck you."
I shoved her back against the wall and started for the cell door, knowing if I stuck around with her in the cell much longer I'd lose control and beat her to death.
My temper was atrocious back then.
As I flung open the cell door she spoke up, "I would've given you something."
I scoffed and glanced back at her out of the corner of my eye, "What?"
She slowly began lifting the skirt of her dress and I rolled my eyes and walked out of the cell, slamming the door behind me.
She started to scream unintelligibly. There were lots of personal insults, most of which I didn't understand. I walked back down the row of cells and out of the dungeon.
Why did I do such a thing you may ask.
Because Princess Daisy was a sneaky bitch but at least she was dumb. By seducing me, it would be easier for her to escape. It would be easier for her to make me reconsider and it would be effortless for her to snatch the key away and make a run for it and I knew so. I would be forced to tell King Bowser all about it, bringing shame upon us both and I couldn't have that; even if it meant turning down some hot Princess action.
However I needed some sort of action so I went and found Iggy who was predictably fighting with Lemmy in the training grounds behind the castle. I always thought twins were supposed to get along.
I sat down and watched them fight back and forth, which was always fun. Iggy usually won, mainly because he was the faster of the two. Lemmy was strong, but a bit clumsy and it always seemed to fuck him over at one point or another.
This time was no different.
Lemmy stumbled backwards and Iggy caught him off guard and attacked, stopping short of the killing blow.
"Lemmy you need to pay attention to where you step," I said as I rose to my feet and walked over to them as they dusted themselves off.
"That fucking hole came out of nowhere!" Lemmy protested.
"Ah, shut up, you bumbling fuck," Iggy said. "It was there all along, you were just too busy trying to not get your shit ruined."
"Fuck you, Iggy. It wasn't a fair fight," Lemmy argued. "Look at this place! There's holes and branches and logs and rocks all over, it's shitty terrain."
"Calm down you two," I said, speaking as the voice of reason for once in my life.
"Yeah, Lemmy. Stop being such a whiny bitch," Iggy sneered. "What can we do you for, Eddy?"
I flicked my cigarette away and said, "Two things. Who's Mario and where can I get some pussy?"
Lemmy giggled and Iggy punched him in the arm.
"Mario? He's the guy that's coming. He's like you. Except he's on their side like we thought you were at first. That's all we know. But the pussy . . . there's Princess Daisy. Oh, and our sister. There's some koopettes around too but I wouldn't go near half of them," Iggy said.
"Yeah, I need human action and Daisy's a no-go. I don't trust the bitch," I said.
"You're kinda fucked then Eddy," Lemmy giggled.
"Or kinda not," Iggy chuckled with him.
Suddenly I heard Bowser shout out, "You three get up here, now!"
I turned around and glanced up at the castle to see King Koopa disappear from the window.
I sighed and Lemmy, Iggy, and I joined Bowser up in his throne room along with the other koopalings.
Bowser sat on his throne, shifted to his left side, a bit of coke smeared around his nostrils. His eyes were bloodshot and he thoroughly looked like fried hell.
"Kids, I just got news about him. He's already made it to Iced Land. He'll be here any day now. Larry, Wendy, Iggy, you three go head him off. Try to stop him, stab him, bash him, break his fucking legs, I don't care. If you can't kill him, cripple him. If you can't cripple him, at least wear him out.
"Roy, Lemmy, Ludwig, Kid, you four stay here with me. We need to defend Dark Land from this mustachioed menace, Mario. From what the troops have told me he's short, fat, plumber. But he's tougher and more dangerous than he looks. For fuck's sake he's wiped out Grass Land completely. The entire place is on fire!"
He snatched up a cigar from the right arm of his throne and puffed, “What the hell are you kids waiting for?! Larry, Wendy, Iggy, get to Ice Land now and beat the shit out of him!"
They shouted out in unison and ran off, terrified of the wrath he'd inflict upon them if they continued standing around like a bunch of idiots. Of course they were idiots, except for Iggy, he was the bright one but Wendy and Larry were as dumb as rocks.
Bowser puffed his cigar for a while, staring off into space. I couldn't tell whether he was actually thinking or not. He was coked out of his mind again.
Five or so minutes passed before he snapped back to reality and turned his attention to Roy, Lemmy, Ludwig, and I.
"Roy, you get to work with the troops. Ludwig, you go and make sure everything is well defended. Lemmy . . . go and make yourself useful somehow. Kid you stay here, I need to talk to you."
Roy, Ludwig, and Lemmy ran off, the massive double doors slamming shut with a heavy thud behind them.
Bowser sluggishly rose from his throne and stumbled down the dais and came towards me. He placed his claws on my shoulders and looked me in the eye.
"Kid, this is it," he said. "This is the big one. The final battle. I want you to stay in here with me, I'm too old to fight anymore. I'm 534 years old kid; even my fucking shell hurts. You're going to have to fight him for me. If you lose, I'll off myself. Roy takes my place when I'm gone, he knows that. He's not my favourite koopaling but he'll do the best job out of the bunch."
I chuckle, "Sir, you say that every time something like this happens. Remember when your soup was too hot and you killed everyone in the kitchen for trying to assassinate you?"
He let out a groan of agreement, "I just wanted an excuse to do it, kid. That soup tasted like shit. You know me, I'd rather blow off my head than get beaten again. I've had too many as it is. If this plumber is half the hot shit they say he is, he'll get past my koopalings easy. They're just to wear him down anyway, then you can finish him no problem."
He removed his claws from my shoulders and staggered back to his thrown and flopped down on it.
I lit up a cigarette and sat down on the top stair of the dais.
"I talked to Daisy today," I said quietly.
"Oh yeah?" He asked, raising an eyebrow in suspicion.
"Yeah. Apparently this is some kind of prophecy. You kidnap the Princess, a hero comes and beats you and takes her back. This will keep happening again and again and if I die, who's going to fight them off, sir? You said yourself that you're too old for it."
"There has to be some way to stop it," he said.
"I think I know a way," I said as I leaned back, resting on my elbows.
He chuckled, "Well are you gonna share it with the class?"
"Kill her," I said bluntly. "Kill Daisy and send the troops off to the Mushroom Kingdom and slaughter every last person there from the babies to King Toadstool. If everyone's dead he has nobody to save and nobody to fight for. There's no point. If there's no point he wouldn't appear, would he?"
King Bowser stroked his chin, "That's not a half-bad idea, kid. The bitch is a hassle to deal with anyway. But then I don't have my bargaining chip."
"Sir, you don't need one. I decimated their army. They're defenseless. Send the koopa army off to the Mushroom Kingdom. Have them go the long route, that way they won't run into him."
"That'll leave Dark Land defenseless though, he'd be free to burn it all to the ground and enslave the men and rape all of the women he pleases!" He argued loudly.
"Sir," I said in a calm tone. "You have me. You have Ludwig. You have Lemmy, and you have Roy. He can't get past us if we don't want him to. We sneak up on him and jump his ass."
He groaned, "It sounds too risky . . ."
"Sir, you once said you liked my recklessness, remember?. I might not be great at strategy, but I can beat the living fuck out of someone. If it doesn't work, we'll die anyway."
I saw a sudden flash of blue filling my eyes for a fraction of a second. I shook my head, confused.
"What the fuck?" I muttered.
"Roy!" I heard Bowser shout. "Send them to the Mushroom Kingdom. The long way! Men, I want everyone there dead! D-E-D dead!"
The troops marched off for the Mushroom Kingdom and I felt a sharp pain in my head. I rose to my feet and Lemmy came barging in shouting and screaming gibberish.
I looked at him and I saw a blink long flash of bright yellow. Then it vanished.
"Dad, he's here! I spotted him!" Lemmy screamed out, dancing and pointing to the window.
"Where?!" King Bowser roared as he rushed to the window and I hurried behind.
"There!" Lemmy said, pointing at a small red and blue figure in the town.
The little man was hurling fireballs at the houses, catching them ablaze and leaping on the koopa people, smashing them to bits as they screamed in agony.
His clothes were smeared with the blood of the koopas and apparently he wanted to taste more of it. He let out a wild screaming laugh and grabbed a koopaling and tore it in two, ripping the top and bottom of its shell apart in a spray of blood and fire and flesh.
I saw a flash of white just like the others and leapt out of the window. There was no way I was going to just stand by and let this happen. He was killing kids for fuck's sake!
I drew my blades in mid-fall and landed on a rooftop. Mario stood in the town square, 20 feet or so ahead of me, everything behind him was burning. He looked up at me and scowled, his eyes filled with hatred and disgust.
"Come on, you fucking midget," I murmured to myself.
He leapt up to meet me on the rooftop in one jump and stepped up to me and began poking me in the stomach.
"Who the hell do you think you are?" He asked me in an accusatory tone.
"What?" I asked, another bright flash of blue lasting a fraction of a second longer than the last flash.
"You think you're some kind of big shot, huh? Working for this piece of shit? Killing a whole army? You're nothing. You ain't shit. You know that?" He asked with wide eyes, trying to intimidate me.
"I could make you disappear like," he snapped his fingers, "that."
So I kicked him in the face and he fell off the rooftop. I heard Bowser and the remaining koopalings laughing from up above. I looked up to the window and raised my arm.
"Teach that greasy wop a lesson, Eddy!" Roy shouted down to me.
A flash of white, then yellow mixed with blue, lasting longer than the last flash. I stumbled, feeling dizzy and the pain in my head was gradually becoming sharper.
I weaved as Mario climbed to the rooftop, his large nose bloodied. He wiped the blood away and ran at me, he leapt into the air and stomped on my head, knocking me to my knees.
I spun around, swinging my arms and slicing into his back with my blade. He cried out and I stabbed him, pinning his left shoulder to the rooftop. I started pounding his face, screaming as everything became blurs of blue and white and yellow.
Then suddenly everything was gone.
I opened my eyes and I was lying on the ground, in the dirt and the sky was overhead. I sat up and looked around me and I was back at the construction site. I saw the nail gun lying on the ground underneath a couple of sawhorses that held up a piece of plywood.
When I touched the part of my head that felt the sharp pain, it stung and upon looking at my fingers I saw blood and someone wrapped their arms around me from behind and placed their head on my shoulder. I could tell from their smell that it was Flame Job.
"Where am I? What happened? Is everyone okay? I killed him, right?" I asked her.
She kissed me on the cheek, "Of course you did, darling. Now let us go home and you can tell me all about it. You've been unconscious for hours."