Feeling that?
another entry for another day. so after thinking about the testes last night, the pain was really bad. analyze me you jack asses. tell me that my mind made it worse. well i saw the doctor today and he took a look(feel) at them. the results? well he said that the spot that i found last night while fearing death was a benign cyst. first off, how does he know its benign? the good news is i guess that they are common, and a lot of people may have them without knowing. he said that this is more than likely an infection thats causing this pain. i agreed only because i wanted to. everyones being so optimistic about it. to make sure, he made me an ultra-sound appointment for tommorow morning, just to rule it out. thats not cool because no one is positive, and you still have all that time to wonder... am i cancerous? haha. so tommorow we find out. i wouldnt be suprised if its something serious the way everything works in life, but then again i know it could go the other way because cancer is rare. i did realize one thing last night though. i love my girlfriend a lot. i scared myself shitless in bed thinking the cancer clowns were gnawing at my balls in a non playful way; narrowing my life down to a matter of months. then i thought about her. and how much she likes me. and how much damage it would do if i were clinically dead. so i wrote her a note in a weird point of view. if im okay, ill give it to her tommorow, if im not, ill keep writing to her in other notes and then give them to her on my recovery/death. hopefully she gets it tommorow. it was like for one night i thought like i wasnt going to be around much longer and started preparing for it. no one deserves to go before the age of 75. nobody deserves to really have to deal with leaving family behind...slowly and steadily. no one has to say their goodbyes ahead of time because the next time they see them it very well may be too late. i think in a way to come to terms with the fragility of being mortal is an enlightening experience, but it can also be very very unnerving and scary when you don't have a safety net to tell you "hey kid, what are you worried about? you still got 60 years here." 8 months ago i probably wouldn't have minded the excitement of my existence fizzling out. now when im with someone i really care about i don't want to even have to think about it more than 2 mins a day or week. so when everything turns stupid when i get better, and i start going through life like i have no regards, i'll have to stumble accross this entry and be reminded. watch livejournal fold and all this beautiful stuff will be gone. have you ever thought about that? how long does livejournal have before it folds and takes a billion thoughts, remarks, wonders, comments, and words with it into a dark sea of wherever that shit goes when its deleted off of a computer. I love myself, my family, my friends, my girlfriend, my dead beagle christie, and whoever can read this and feel where i'm coming from (only if it's just for a sentence or two).