Insomnia, and things falling apart. (Stef)
This is Stef writing, but Brandon and Elijah are close by, so who knows which one(s) of us will be writing by the time this is finished.
Elijah. God, we've been calling him Lige for so long. I really resent how this came about. That last (awful) therapist we saw, concluded that he got his name after Elijah Wood from LOTR....and went so far as to have us banned from an LOTR website for that "reason". (I'm a huge LOTR fan. Also Star Wars, Indiana Jones....Tombstone, and anything by Stephen King. I'm a movie geek. So sue me.) Anyway, that just made me feel so damn weird. Even more than that, it made me more afraid than ever that my kids would read something online, draw the same conclusion she did....and think more than ever that their mom is just plain batshit crazy.
What we couldn't get the (pardon language here) stupid bitch to realize, even though we plainly told her at the outset, is that our Elijah has been with me since I was nine years old. I was nine, in 1970. Elijah Wood is, if I'm not mistaken, is about the age of my oldest son. So....no, our Elijah has nothing in common with Elijah Wood, other than the name. Which might have come from the same source - it's a Bible name. I think our Elijah ended up with that name, because he kind of played the role of 'the chosen one'. As in, everything was on his shoulders....figuring out some way for us to fit into society, finding a way to start earning a paycheck as soon as possible, and rescuing us out of our home life.
Inside, we call him by his full name. 'Lige', doesn't fit him.
I wish we all felt free to just call him by his name. I wish we didn't have to have these fears, especially around our kids. I mean, they know their mother is a multi....they just don't know the details. When they were younger, we didn't want them to know....and now, they've chosen to continue not knowing.
I don't know. I'm at a loss with this, and with a lot of things.
I'm so totally not sleeping lately. Whoever is out, is not sleeping.
I've taken a Trazodone, plus something for pain. And the painkiller is working....but the Trazodone might as well have been a sugar pill.
Poor Forest. He was so happy that we seemed to be doing well on no prescription meds. He mostly doesn't believe in them....he certainly doesn't believe in being dependent on them. But all of his natural medicine, plus all the king's horses and all the king's men, can't seem to make a dent in this sleep thing. We slept okay on no meds for a while, just long enough to let ourselves be lulled into a false sense of security. And then, boom. Right back to this.
I hate this.
The house is such a mess. Tomorrow I need to do nothing else besides clean up the dishes and laundry, and shop for dinner. And then cook. (At which time, there will be more dishes...which is the hell of it.)
Keeping a nice house, seemed worth it when the kids were still at home. I hate being an empty nester.
But it would have been bad for the kids, to just keep living at home once they grew up and graduated. Well, for the boys. Our daughter was having none of it, she was the first to move out. Our boys were almost impossible to get out of the nest. But today they're so much better off for it, they have that confidence in themsleves that they can make it in the world.
I need to go back to school, don't know why I'm hesitating and making excuses. (Well, yes I do. Fear. Returning to school at fifty, is a far cry from doing it at 30. Or even middle 40s. But...I need to do it so my brain doesn't rot.)
I also need to get really involved in my writing again. Even if I never get a novel published. It's not all about the getting published and making money aspect. It's deeper than that.
So I know what I need to do. Guess I just needed to write it down....and also I needed an excuse to get back on the computer so I don't lie there and go crazy because I'm not a bit sleepy at this hour.
Guess I'll see how much spider solitaire I can play before this Trazodone kicks in....if it ever does. If it doesn't, maybe I'll just play spider til time to get up.
Elijah. God, we've been calling him Lige for so long. I really resent how this came about. That last (awful) therapist we saw, concluded that he got his name after Elijah Wood from LOTR....and went so far as to have us banned from an LOTR website for that "reason". (I'm a huge LOTR fan. Also Star Wars, Indiana Jones....Tombstone, and anything by Stephen King. I'm a movie geek. So sue me.) Anyway, that just made me feel so damn weird. Even more than that, it made me more afraid than ever that my kids would read something online, draw the same conclusion she did....and think more than ever that their mom is just plain batshit crazy.
What we couldn't get the (pardon language here) stupid bitch to realize, even though we plainly told her at the outset, is that our Elijah has been with me since I was nine years old. I was nine, in 1970. Elijah Wood is, if I'm not mistaken, is about the age of my oldest son. So....no, our Elijah has nothing in common with Elijah Wood, other than the name. Which might have come from the same source - it's a Bible name. I think our Elijah ended up with that name, because he kind of played the role of 'the chosen one'. As in, everything was on his shoulders....figuring out some way for us to fit into society, finding a way to start earning a paycheck as soon as possible, and rescuing us out of our home life.
Inside, we call him by his full name. 'Lige', doesn't fit him.
I wish we all felt free to just call him by his name. I wish we didn't have to have these fears, especially around our kids. I mean, they know their mother is a multi....they just don't know the details. When they were younger, we didn't want them to know....and now, they've chosen to continue not knowing.
I don't know. I'm at a loss with this, and with a lot of things.
I'm so totally not sleeping lately. Whoever is out, is not sleeping.
I've taken a Trazodone, plus something for pain. And the painkiller is working....but the Trazodone might as well have been a sugar pill.
Poor Forest. He was so happy that we seemed to be doing well on no prescription meds. He mostly doesn't believe in them....he certainly doesn't believe in being dependent on them. But all of his natural medicine, plus all the king's horses and all the king's men, can't seem to make a dent in this sleep thing. We slept okay on no meds for a while, just long enough to let ourselves be lulled into a false sense of security. And then, boom. Right back to this.
I hate this.
The house is such a mess. Tomorrow I need to do nothing else besides clean up the dishes and laundry, and shop for dinner. And then cook. (At which time, there will be more dishes...which is the hell of it.)
Keeping a nice house, seemed worth it when the kids were still at home. I hate being an empty nester.
But it would have been bad for the kids, to just keep living at home once they grew up and graduated. Well, for the boys. Our daughter was having none of it, she was the first to move out. Our boys were almost impossible to get out of the nest. But today they're so much better off for it, they have that confidence in themsleves that they can make it in the world.
I need to go back to school, don't know why I'm hesitating and making excuses. (Well, yes I do. Fear. Returning to school at fifty, is a far cry from doing it at 30. Or even middle 40s. But...I need to do it so my brain doesn't rot.)
I also need to get really involved in my writing again. Even if I never get a novel published. It's not all about the getting published and making money aspect. It's deeper than that.
So I know what I need to do. Guess I just needed to write it down....and also I needed an excuse to get back on the computer so I don't lie there and go crazy because I'm not a bit sleepy at this hour.
Guess I'll see how much spider solitaire I can play before this Trazodone kicks in....if it ever does. If it doesn't, maybe I'll just play spider til time to get up.