Alone in the back yard. (Brandon)
It's almsot the end of September, and every one of us fronters who's been out feels like we spent the whole month in the bedroom, on the computer. The only ohter time, was when we were walking and climbing the stone steps (and hurting our back) in Lithia Park.
September's been like one long, weird day. It seems like it was August, and now it's almost October.
I think Jessica Bethany's murder had a lot to do with it. We didnt' know her real well, but our kids did, especially our oldest son Russell. Rachel even came back down from Portland to attend her benefit/birthday. (The benefit brought in thirty thousand dollars, and the money's still not all counted. People were lined up around the block. So it was a really good benefit.)
Then it turned out her killer had something to do with Brian's death....right before the two-year anniversary of Brian's death. So that's kind of made us not mind so much, being distracted and letting the month fly by. Because we don't want to feel how much we still really miss him.
Drove by the old house today. Someone actually bought it. So now there's zero hope of keeping it in the family. It's gone,a nd that's that. (Thanks, mom. You didn't have to do that.)
Don't want to go there, don't want to think about it. It's so hard not to hate her guts sometimes.
Sometimes I think if it wasn't for hurting the kids, we'd try to sue her. Some of the abuse, we can prove. We can prove we were kept out of school when we were legally too young, and we were *not* home-schooled, and we were *not* pregnant and sent to live with relatives the way mom told the folks in town....
But I need to stop it. Freddie would feel guilty, and the kids would be hurt. so, fine. Let her get away with it. That's her. That's not me, that's not us. Our kids graduated, and with diplomas instead of GEDs. Andc they all started college. The boys haven't wanted to continue, but hey, they did make a start. So they don't have that thing of, "I can't do it."
So ha.
(The sun is going down. It's beautiful out here. Still September, I didn't miss it.)
I'm lonely. And it doesn't help much to make friends in Stef's world....because grammas are not fun to hang around when they think you're another gramma.
I think more and more of what it might be like to be in the gay community. That used to be pretty easy as a collective bisexual, but now days not so much.
I think it might be easier to relax and be myself, as a lesbian. (Plus, I could have a girl friend.....and that might be really nice. I'd like to find out.)
I know Elijah's close by, because I feel like there's someone pushing me to write write write. And not a journal or a blog, either. A story, article, book, script, or poem. Or if Alex was out, a song. (Wow, he did used to write songs, didn't he...? man, that was a long time ago. During that two years when he was out all the time. He always thought he'd get a band together, and even made one attempt at it. Then Shotgun tried to get together a jam session, and that almost did turn in to a band thing, but Shotgun didn't want a band, it was Alex who wanted a band....)
Wow. That, really felt like writing about someone else entirely, not even system-mates but two people completely outside this system.
Well. I can write, especially if the others help me from inside. But I can't write songs. So I'm glad nobody's pushing me to do *that*. (Maybe because they know it would suck.)
I still want to write that story about a kid trapped on a burn ward. Don't even know what I want it to say....I just know I want to write it.
Sun setting, gotta go.
September's been like one long, weird day. It seems like it was August, and now it's almost October.
I think Jessica Bethany's murder had a lot to do with it. We didnt' know her real well, but our kids did, especially our oldest son Russell. Rachel even came back down from Portland to attend her benefit/birthday. (The benefit brought in thirty thousand dollars, and the money's still not all counted. People were lined up around the block. So it was a really good benefit.)
Then it turned out her killer had something to do with Brian's death....right before the two-year anniversary of Brian's death. So that's kind of made us not mind so much, being distracted and letting the month fly by. Because we don't want to feel how much we still really miss him.
Drove by the old house today. Someone actually bought it. So now there's zero hope of keeping it in the family. It's gone,a nd that's that. (Thanks, mom. You didn't have to do that.)
Don't want to go there, don't want to think about it. It's so hard not to hate her guts sometimes.
Sometimes I think if it wasn't for hurting the kids, we'd try to sue her. Some of the abuse, we can prove. We can prove we were kept out of school when we were legally too young, and we were *not* home-schooled, and we were *not* pregnant and sent to live with relatives the way mom told the folks in town....
But I need to stop it. Freddie would feel guilty, and the kids would be hurt. so, fine. Let her get away with it. That's her. That's not me, that's not us. Our kids graduated, and with diplomas instead of GEDs. Andc they all started college. The boys haven't wanted to continue, but hey, they did make a start. So they don't have that thing of, "I can't do it."
So ha.
(The sun is going down. It's beautiful out here. Still September, I didn't miss it.)
I'm lonely. And it doesn't help much to make friends in Stef's world....because grammas are not fun to hang around when they think you're another gramma.
I think more and more of what it might be like to be in the gay community. That used to be pretty easy as a collective bisexual, but now days not so much.
I think it might be easier to relax and be myself, as a lesbian. (Plus, I could have a girl friend.....and that might be really nice. I'd like to find out.)
I know Elijah's close by, because I feel like there's someone pushing me to write write write. And not a journal or a blog, either. A story, article, book, script, or poem. Or if Alex was out, a song. (Wow, he did used to write songs, didn't he...? man, that was a long time ago. During that two years when he was out all the time. He always thought he'd get a band together, and even made one attempt at it. Then Shotgun tried to get together a jam session, and that almost did turn in to a band thing, but Shotgun didn't want a band, it was Alex who wanted a band....)
Wow. That, really felt like writing about someone else entirely, not even system-mates but two people completely outside this system.
Well. I can write, especially if the others help me from inside. But I can't write songs. So I'm glad nobody's pushing me to do *that*. (Maybe because they know it would suck.)
I still want to write that story about a kid trapped on a burn ward. Don't even know what I want it to say....I just know I want to write it.
Sun setting, gotta go.