Fic: as it fell (you rose to claim it) - Prologue
Title: as it fell (you rose to claim it)
Author(s): freakykat
Rating: NC-17 eventually
Characters/Pairings: Luke Snyder/Noah Mayer
Summary: I let it fall, my heart, and as it fell you rose to claim it. It was dark and I was over, until you kissed my lips and you saved me.
PROLOGUE
The bar was dark, quiet in a way he wasn't used to. It wasn't the kind he liked to frequent. Those were filled with noise, a cacophony of slurred laughter and no inhibitions where people never asked him any questions. Those were his favorites by far. He couldn't say he enjoyed them but he was comfortable there, his skin fitting easily when he had no feelings, no names, just a bottle and a warm body to hide inside. Dirty tables and floors and people seemed more honest.
He glanced around the dark paneled lounge, the plush red leather accents of the bar stools. He fit the part, the fancy hotel with the pricey drinks. Dressed for the fundraiser, he didn't seem any different than the other patrons with their hushed conversations. Inside, he felt like crawling out of his skin, walking out into the street and finding a dive, a hole in the wall where he could breathe.
He knew better than to think that he belonged there with people like them. The facade he'd built slowly over the past year hid many things. The biggest of that being that while he breathed, walked and talked, all he wanted, really truly wanted, was for that to stop. He wanted to feel nothing. Absolute, blank nothingness. Or maybe he just wanted to be anywhere but there, anything but alone. It ate him alive every day that he was still --
His phone vibrated in his pocket but he ignored it. He knew it was Alison trying to get a hold of him. The reception wouldn't end for another hour and he'd slipped out over an hour ago. He'd made the rounds that were expected of him, that would have to be enough. The phone went off once more and he reached inside his jacket, pulled it out to read the message he was sure would be there.
Where the hell are you, Luke? You had better not be where I think you are.
Ali could be predictable sometimes. There were four bars in the hotel and it would take her at least another half hour before she could leave. Enough time for one more drink before he escaped to his room.
He waved a hand at the bartender, head fuzzy with the beginnings of numbness around his limbs and senses. "Give me another one." He saw the hesitation in the man behind the bar. Typical reaction to someone who was old enough to be his father. They always had moments like that. He took a hundred out of his pocket, waved it slowly in the air before resting it on the counter. "And hurry it up." He watched the bill disappear and before he could blink there was another full glass in front of him.
He slammed it back, fast before he could rethink what he was doing. Setting it down, he let the heat of it slide down his throat and for a moment he felt nothing. But like always, it never lasted long enough. His hand wavered in the air and thinking better of it he let it drop.
Pacing was the way to go. He needed to remember that. This wasn't Oakdale. At home, Jeff never allowed him to drive to his apartment drunk, offering the cot in the back room if necessary. Here things were different. No one knew him or cared.
The thought passed through his mind.
No one would stop him.
It scared him enough that he sat up straighter, brought his gaze up, scanning the room for -- what -- he wasn't exactly sure. His eyes fell on the tall, dark figure at the other end of the bar. He couldn't help the way his stare raked the lean body, legs longer than they had any right to be. Prada shoes hooked under the stool. He could imagine having those legs wrapped around him. The suit was perfectly cut, custom and he followed the elegant line of shoulders up to the tanned skin on a neck Luke wanted to sink his teeth into.
There was a pair of eyes so blue, he could make them out clearly even from across the room, staring back at him and he turned away fast, feeling his face flush pink with something more than the alcohol he'd consumed.
Luke frowned, forcing his gaze to stay on the the bar in front of him. No one had ever accused Luke Snyder of being shy so he didn't understand what his reaction was all about. Normally, he'd slink over to the other side of the bar and seduce whomever he wanted into bed.
He jumped when a hand touched his shoulder and knew before turning who it would be. The eyes were more stunning close up, set in a face that was sharply defined and on the painful side of beautiful. He tried to smile up at the man, raising an eyebrow and that face suddenly lost it's curiosity, replaced it with sadness.
"Do you mind if I sit here?"
Luke shook his head, gesturing to the stool next to his own. "Not at all." He reached back for his empty glass, tipping it back before realizing that he needed a refill. Raising a hand over his head, he motioned the bartender over, glancing over at his new companion as he did. "Let me buy you a drink." They ordered two scotches and when they arrived, Luke clinked their glasses together.
"To new friends."
There was a snort and Luke's eyes widened at it.
"That wasn't -- you use that line a lot?"
Wide, blue eyes stared over at him and Luke felt -- he felt which made him recoil slightly in his chair. His drinking companion frowned, inched away at the gesture. "Sorry, it's just -- I had a bad day. My partner -- well, ex now, is suing me for the company we built together and today was a particularly grueling day of having our whole life, every detail of it, split open in front of a judge, not to mention an audience of peers and swarm of paparazzi. I thought I was the saddest person in this bar." He motioned to Luke, his eyes softening, mouth turned down, brow furrowed. "I think I'm doing better than you, though, right?"
Luke blinked, frowned at the intruder that seemed to see more than he was willing to show but something in his tone, the way he held himself up despite the disappointment he was carrying -- it made him ache more. "My ex-boyfriend died in an accident six months ago. I was driving the car."
The words fell out of his mouth before he could stop them. There was a stunned silence when he finished and Luke wasn't sure what had just happened.
"Shit. Well, that makes me a bigger asshole then before."
Luke glanced up, confusion written across his face.
The smile he received had a bitter turn to it and his drinking companion shrugged, shaking his head. "I admit I was sitting over there thinking you might end up being an easy place to hide."
The confession startled him and he almost smiled. Almost.
"I guess we both are. Cause I had the same idea about you."
Another moment of quiet followed and Luke sipped on his drink slowly, watching with interest as the other man swallowed his drink all at once. After setting the glass on the bar, he turned toward him, reaching a hand out in a greeting.
"Then, maybe we can start over. Hi, I'm Noah."
He reached back, warm palm against his clammy one sending shivers down his back.
"Hello, Noah. My name is Luke."
-- --
They fell into an easy conversation, jackets discarded on the backs of the chairs at the table they moved to when the bar began to fill up with the after hours crowd. Noah led them over to a quiet corner, waiting for Luke to sit before getting comfortable across from him. It was very much something that made Luke think of his father and he felt his mouth turn up.
Drinks appeared at their table like magic and Luke didn't think twice about it. He slurred as he spoke, hands trembling with every step he took toward his truth.
"You were drinking?" The question held no reproach and Noah eyes weren't accusing like everyone's had been for weeks after it happened.
Luke bopped his head up and down, feeling numb everywhere which made it easier to say what he tried to block almost every minute he was awake. "A little. I was angry at him. We were fighting and I -- I killed him."
"Don't say that, Luke."
He rolled his eyes, waving a finger in Noah's face. He didn't want to insult his new friend but the guy didn't know shit. "But I did. I was drinking. I'm an alcoholic, did I tell you that? I know better. I drank because those were the only times I had the balls to tell him when I was upset. When I was drunk, I mean. Not when I was in the car." He babbled on, wringing his hands around the cold glass, condensation smearing against his palm. "I didn't see it coming. The truck. It hit Reid's side." He huffed into his drink. "I walked away with a concussion."
He laid his head on the table, eyes looking up at Noah. "So, you see. I did kill him."
The pained look Noah sent him made Luke close his eyes. He didn't want pity.
"So what? You punish yourself because of a mistake? That -- I can't imagine this is the life you want, Luke."
The life he wanted wasn't anywhere near possible for him.
-- --
Somehow they ended up outside in the garden, laying on the damp grass and staring up at the night sky, Luke's vision blurring the stars together.
"I cheated on him."
He rolled his head to stare at Noah who couldn't seem to look back at him. He bit his lips as he talked, mouth tight on his face.
It was surprising because he just didn't seem the type. Not that Luke claimed to know the man well but he was more honest than most people he'd met.
"We were -- he was in love with someone else but I cheated, he didn't."
That didn't make sense to him but his tongue felt too thick to say that being in love with someone other than your husband was cheating in his book. All that came out was a mumbled "That sucks, man," though it must have been clear enough for Noah to hear because he laughed a little.
"Tell me about it."
Luke felt as if he was floating over the ground, legs tingling, arms leaden down. He liked this feeling. Focusing on Noah kept him from losing his mind completely to dark thoughts he'd rather keep away.
"I know what that feels like."
It was an admission he was a little shocked by but the truth sometimes showed itself in strange ways.
Noah's hand slipped into his, squeezing tightly.
-- --
They stumbled into the elevator, hitting the back wall with a hard thump and Luke didn't want to think anymore. Talking hurt everything. He liked Noah too much to let him see what kind of disaster he really was. What he needed was the warmth that seemed to radiate from inside Noah. He looked up and found Noah staring back, all heat and want. It was too much and he pushed up on his toes, captured Noah's mouth in his own.
Noah froze for a second, tensing under Luke's hand and he worried that he'd read it all wrong, that this wasn't were they had been leading. He was the first person Luke had talked with, really talked with and he needed this to be...something.
Noah's hands bunched into the fabric of Luke's coat, pulled at the lapels until they were flush against one another, hips bumping and Luke closed his eyes, arching back as Noah's mouth found the thick cord of muscle in his throat, teeth nipping hard, making him shiver.
That was familiar. That was something he understood.
The elevator pinged and they pulled apart, clutching hard at shoulders and arms. Noah cleared his throat, grabbed his hand and lead them out, turning to look at him. Luke blinked a few times, realized that Noah was asking him a question.
He nodded. "Yes."
It seemed to be enough and he followed as Noah walked them down the hall turning into a corner. It was a suite, just like his own, and he stepped through the door cautiously. There were papers lying on the coffee table, pen sitting across them at an angle and Luke could make out a set of signatures at the bottom.
"I've never done this before."
He turned to stare at Noah, eyebrow raised because he was sure Noah had told him that he'd been the one to stray, physically at least.
The bitter smile that fell over Noah's face seemed out of place. Luke barely knew him but that was something he was sure of.
"That was different. You could barely call it sex. The back of some club, a quick -- fuck -- and then it was over. In one stupid moment I'd ended everything I loved, you know?"
He remembered waking up in the hospital, the look on his mother's face when he'd asked what happened. How he'd known exactly what she wasn't telling him and why. His chest constricted, pushing a swell of emotion he wanted no part of. Swallowing it down, Luke whispered back, "I do."
Noah took a step closer, reaching for him and he couldn't take that.
"I know I'm some guy that tried to pick you up in a bar. That you think I don't know you but Luke -- you didn't -- it wasn't your fault. It was an accident."
He shook his head, warding Noah off with a hand. "Stop, just."
There was a shaking inside, loosening and breaking. He watched Noah take a step closer and he panicked, fumbling back. He couldn't be there. He needed to run from Noah, from the room, from his life. He clamped down on the feelings that spilled out of their boxes. "Just -- can we not do this? Can you --" Something clawed up his throat, a sound he didn't recognize. He couldn't see suddenly, Noah blurring around the edges and he felt the hot prick of tears in his eyes. If he'd been in control, sober and closed off, he could've stopped it. But in that moment, Luke couldn't do anything. His legs gave out and he couldn't breath, gasping for air as he sputtered half-words. His hands trembled when he brought them up to his mouth, keening out a wail that he hadn't known was inside him.
"I can't - I -"
Noah was there on his knees beside him, pulling until Luke stopped resisting, pushing his face into Noah's neck, gripping on the strong arms that wrapped themselves around him.
"Shh. It's okay. Hey, it's okay." One hand rubbed up and down his back, the other pushing into his hair, cupping the back of Luke's head. "It wasn't your fault. You got to believe that someday, Luke."
He shook his head against Noah's shoulder. "I killed him. I killed him. I killed him..."
-- --
Noah rocked him gently, legs splayed out, Luke resting in the space between, his head back against Noah's chest , eyes closed.
"I'm sorry about that."
He felt a pinch on his arm, glanced up to see Noah frowning at him. "Don't apologize for feeling what you feel, Luke."
"I shouldn't have done it."
Noah sighed, leaned his chin down on Luke's head. "Yeah, well. I'm glad you did."
-- --
"I knew it was done a long time before I admitted it to myself. We'd been -- our lives were completely interlaced. Personally and professionally. Maybe that's why it happened. Too much of something can sometimes make it less important, less valuable."
They were lying on the bed, side by side, the only light in the room coming from a lamp far off in the corner. Noah's eyes darkened as he spoke, brows scrunched and mouth a tight line of hurt. He reached one hand across the tiny space that separated them, brushing fingers down Noah's face. A pang burst in his chest when Noah's face relaxed at the touch.
His fingers buzzed from Noah's skin. Luke couldn't decide what to do. His voice was hoarse and stilted when he said, "You - were scared to be alone?" It had started that way for them, too. Grasping to keep something that had never really been.
Noah nodded jerkily. "He was the only constant in my life for years. I -- no one had ever stayed before him." He met Luke's gaze, smiling sadly. "I guess when you think about it, he didn't either."
There weren't any words he could say to make it better. He leaned his forehead against Noah's, breathed in as Noah stuttered out a sigh.
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah. Me, too."
-- --
"I bet this wasn't how you thought you'd spend the night." Luke said, burying his face in Noah's neck, smiling gently at the vibration of Noah's chuckle on his cheek.
"You could say that." He threaded his fingers in Luke's hair, sighing quietly and somehow, not knowing him well at all, Luke was sure Noah had something important to say. "I wanted to get rid of all this -- anger, disappointment in someone." He tightened his hold, rubbed his chin on the top of Luke's head. "I had no idea I'd find you."
Luke snorted. "Yeah, you lucked out good, didn't you? Probably some nice accountant down there looking to get laid, you get the basket case who ki-"
"Stop that." Noah growled quietly, the words reverberating against his head and he wanted to argue because Noah had no idea who he was. But he felt safe, warm in the expanse of Noah's arms and he wanted to keep that feeling for as long as it could last.
As if he'd read his mind, Noah slide down so their eyes met, touching Luke's cheek softly. "Listen to me, okay? I'm not claiming I know anything about what happened. That would be a lie." He cradled Luke's face, brushing his nose against his cheek, words falling hot and heavy on Luke's skin. "I've know you a total of five hours but I believe that you deserve more than you think."
Luke shook his head, eyes feeling the prick of tears again and he tried to push away. Noah moved one hand to rest against his back, anchoring him there. "I've made mistakes that cost me everything, Luke. But I know that whatever is ahead will be better. You're drowning under this weight you carry. Let it go."
He closed his eyes, blocking as best he could those words because he didn't know what to do with them and held on tight to Noah. Allowed him to stroke his head and arms, allowed his body to melt against the solid presence that wanted to be there for him, allowed his mind to shut down. Darkness closed in around him and he didn't think how right it felt in that moment.
-- --
He startled awake, jerking up in bed at the unfamiliar sensation of an arm around his waist. Luke buried his face in one hand, groaning at the pounding in his temples, nausea clawing up his throat. "Jesus. What the fuck?" His mind was fuzzy, the night before unclear but he was aware enough to know he wasn't in his room.
The warmth at his side indicating that he'd probably ended up picking some random stranger up. Except as he opened his eyes partially, he realized he was fully dressed and that his bed mate was too. That meant he hadn't actually let the drink get him into some kind of trouble. It made no sense because he didn't usually take a man to bed and actually sleep.
He didn't sleep much at all anymore.
Afraid to look over, he took his time rolling his head in a circle, cracking muscles that had cramped up overnight. Eventually, he was ready enough to glance over, seeing dark hair against the pillow. The moment he caught sight of his face he remembered Noah.
Remembered everything he'd told him about Reid, the accident. He'd cried -- Jesus fuck -- he'd actually let his control loosen to the point where he'd --
Noah's arm rested against his waist, fingers curled over Luke's hip and it made something in Luke's stomach curl up, heated and trembling. He shifted slowly, flicking his gaze between Noah's hand and his face. He slid out from under his touch, legs dangling off the side of the bed, head bent. He hated himself a little more every day. Today wasn't any different. He glanced over his shoulder, taking in Noah's face, soft in sleep. He'd lucked out finding him in that bar.
The best thing he could ever do for Noah was to get the hell out of his room and forget they'd ever met. Moving as quietly as he could, Luke grabbed his jacket and shoes, tiptoeing out of the bedroom. He closed the door with the smallest sound, standing outside the room he found that he didn't know what to do. He glanced around the suite as if would have the answer. His phone vibrated suddenly, making him jump before he pulled it out, glancing at the message.
WHERE IN THE FUCK ARE YOU, SNYDER?
All caps was never good when it came to Ali. His fingers flew over the keys, typing out an apology he didn't mean but that was the routine. He screwed up. Ali picked up the pieces and cleaned the mess. They understood each other the best that way though he remembered how it used to be. Back when Luke lived a different kind of existence.
He moved toward the exit but halfway across the room his feet faltered. Dropping his chin on his chest, he sighed and turned toward the huge mahogany desk at the other end. He grabbed one of the pens in the drawer and picking up the hotel pad, scribbled on the page, feeling the weight he'd been able to shed for one night settle over his shoulders once more.
Leaving the note where he thought Noah would see it, he walked to the door, stepping out into the hallway and headed back to the elevator.
He reached his room just as the phone began to ring. Picking it up, he said in a rush. "I need a shower and then I'm ready."
"Where the -"
"Lay off, Alison. I'm here, aren't I? Give me twenty minutes and we can leave."
There was a terse silence where Luke was sure Alison debated whether it would be worth killing him and ultimately decided it wasn't worth the trouble.
"Fine. Twenty minutes. But I swear Luke if you aren't down here, I'll leave without you." The line went dead and he breathed a sigh of relief.
He thought of deep blue eyes, warm hands on his shoulders, in his hair and how it felt to be free for one night.
Knowing that train would do him no good, he pushed it all away.
Luke went home and pretended it had never happened. Forgot everything like it'd been a passing dream.
|Part One|
Author(s): freakykat
Rating: NC-17 eventually
Characters/Pairings: Luke Snyder/Noah Mayer
Summary: I let it fall, my heart, and as it fell you rose to claim it. It was dark and I was over, until you kissed my lips and you saved me.
PROLOGUE
The bar was dark, quiet in a way he wasn't used to. It wasn't the kind he liked to frequent. Those were filled with noise, a cacophony of slurred laughter and no inhibitions where people never asked him any questions. Those were his favorites by far. He couldn't say he enjoyed them but he was comfortable there, his skin fitting easily when he had no feelings, no names, just a bottle and a warm body to hide inside. Dirty tables and floors and people seemed more honest.
He glanced around the dark paneled lounge, the plush red leather accents of the bar stools. He fit the part, the fancy hotel with the pricey drinks. Dressed for the fundraiser, he didn't seem any different than the other patrons with their hushed conversations. Inside, he felt like crawling out of his skin, walking out into the street and finding a dive, a hole in the wall where he could breathe.
He knew better than to think that he belonged there with people like them. The facade he'd built slowly over the past year hid many things. The biggest of that being that while he breathed, walked and talked, all he wanted, really truly wanted, was for that to stop. He wanted to feel nothing. Absolute, blank nothingness. Or maybe he just wanted to be anywhere but there, anything but alone. It ate him alive every day that he was still --
His phone vibrated in his pocket but he ignored it. He knew it was Alison trying to get a hold of him. The reception wouldn't end for another hour and he'd slipped out over an hour ago. He'd made the rounds that were expected of him, that would have to be enough. The phone went off once more and he reached inside his jacket, pulled it out to read the message he was sure would be there.
Where the hell are you, Luke? You had better not be where I think you are.
Ali could be predictable sometimes. There were four bars in the hotel and it would take her at least another half hour before she could leave. Enough time for one more drink before he escaped to his room.
He waved a hand at the bartender, head fuzzy with the beginnings of numbness around his limbs and senses. "Give me another one." He saw the hesitation in the man behind the bar. Typical reaction to someone who was old enough to be his father. They always had moments like that. He took a hundred out of his pocket, waved it slowly in the air before resting it on the counter. "And hurry it up." He watched the bill disappear and before he could blink there was another full glass in front of him.
He slammed it back, fast before he could rethink what he was doing. Setting it down, he let the heat of it slide down his throat and for a moment he felt nothing. But like always, it never lasted long enough. His hand wavered in the air and thinking better of it he let it drop.
Pacing was the way to go. He needed to remember that. This wasn't Oakdale. At home, Jeff never allowed him to drive to his apartment drunk, offering the cot in the back room if necessary. Here things were different. No one knew him or cared.
The thought passed through his mind.
No one would stop him.
It scared him enough that he sat up straighter, brought his gaze up, scanning the room for -- what -- he wasn't exactly sure. His eyes fell on the tall, dark figure at the other end of the bar. He couldn't help the way his stare raked the lean body, legs longer than they had any right to be. Prada shoes hooked under the stool. He could imagine having those legs wrapped around him. The suit was perfectly cut, custom and he followed the elegant line of shoulders up to the tanned skin on a neck Luke wanted to sink his teeth into.
There was a pair of eyes so blue, he could make them out clearly even from across the room, staring back at him and he turned away fast, feeling his face flush pink with something more than the alcohol he'd consumed.
Luke frowned, forcing his gaze to stay on the the bar in front of him. No one had ever accused Luke Snyder of being shy so he didn't understand what his reaction was all about. Normally, he'd slink over to the other side of the bar and seduce whomever he wanted into bed.
He jumped when a hand touched his shoulder and knew before turning who it would be. The eyes were more stunning close up, set in a face that was sharply defined and on the painful side of beautiful. He tried to smile up at the man, raising an eyebrow and that face suddenly lost it's curiosity, replaced it with sadness.
"Do you mind if I sit here?"
Luke shook his head, gesturing to the stool next to his own. "Not at all." He reached back for his empty glass, tipping it back before realizing that he needed a refill. Raising a hand over his head, he motioned the bartender over, glancing over at his new companion as he did. "Let me buy you a drink." They ordered two scotches and when they arrived, Luke clinked their glasses together.
"To new friends."
There was a snort and Luke's eyes widened at it.
"That wasn't -- you use that line a lot?"
Wide, blue eyes stared over at him and Luke felt -- he felt which made him recoil slightly in his chair. His drinking companion frowned, inched away at the gesture. "Sorry, it's just -- I had a bad day. My partner -- well, ex now, is suing me for the company we built together and today was a particularly grueling day of having our whole life, every detail of it, split open in front of a judge, not to mention an audience of peers and swarm of paparazzi. I thought I was the saddest person in this bar." He motioned to Luke, his eyes softening, mouth turned down, brow furrowed. "I think I'm doing better than you, though, right?"
Luke blinked, frowned at the intruder that seemed to see more than he was willing to show but something in his tone, the way he held himself up despite the disappointment he was carrying -- it made him ache more. "My ex-boyfriend died in an accident six months ago. I was driving the car."
The words fell out of his mouth before he could stop them. There was a stunned silence when he finished and Luke wasn't sure what had just happened.
"Shit. Well, that makes me a bigger asshole then before."
Luke glanced up, confusion written across his face.
The smile he received had a bitter turn to it and his drinking companion shrugged, shaking his head. "I admit I was sitting over there thinking you might end up being an easy place to hide."
The confession startled him and he almost smiled. Almost.
"I guess we both are. Cause I had the same idea about you."
Another moment of quiet followed and Luke sipped on his drink slowly, watching with interest as the other man swallowed his drink all at once. After setting the glass on the bar, he turned toward him, reaching a hand out in a greeting.
"Then, maybe we can start over. Hi, I'm Noah."
He reached back, warm palm against his clammy one sending shivers down his back.
"Hello, Noah. My name is Luke."
-- --
They fell into an easy conversation, jackets discarded on the backs of the chairs at the table they moved to when the bar began to fill up with the after hours crowd. Noah led them over to a quiet corner, waiting for Luke to sit before getting comfortable across from him. It was very much something that made Luke think of his father and he felt his mouth turn up.
Drinks appeared at their table like magic and Luke didn't think twice about it. He slurred as he spoke, hands trembling with every step he took toward his truth.
"You were drinking?" The question held no reproach and Noah eyes weren't accusing like everyone's had been for weeks after it happened.
Luke bopped his head up and down, feeling numb everywhere which made it easier to say what he tried to block almost every minute he was awake. "A little. I was angry at him. We were fighting and I -- I killed him."
"Don't say that, Luke."
He rolled his eyes, waving a finger in Noah's face. He didn't want to insult his new friend but the guy didn't know shit. "But I did. I was drinking. I'm an alcoholic, did I tell you that? I know better. I drank because those were the only times I had the balls to tell him when I was upset. When I was drunk, I mean. Not when I was in the car." He babbled on, wringing his hands around the cold glass, condensation smearing against his palm. "I didn't see it coming. The truck. It hit Reid's side." He huffed into his drink. "I walked away with a concussion."
He laid his head on the table, eyes looking up at Noah. "So, you see. I did kill him."
The pained look Noah sent him made Luke close his eyes. He didn't want pity.
"So what? You punish yourself because of a mistake? That -- I can't imagine this is the life you want, Luke."
The life he wanted wasn't anywhere near possible for him.
-- --
Somehow they ended up outside in the garden, laying on the damp grass and staring up at the night sky, Luke's vision blurring the stars together.
"I cheated on him."
He rolled his head to stare at Noah who couldn't seem to look back at him. He bit his lips as he talked, mouth tight on his face.
It was surprising because he just didn't seem the type. Not that Luke claimed to know the man well but he was more honest than most people he'd met.
"We were -- he was in love with someone else but I cheated, he didn't."
That didn't make sense to him but his tongue felt too thick to say that being in love with someone other than your husband was cheating in his book. All that came out was a mumbled "That sucks, man," though it must have been clear enough for Noah to hear because he laughed a little.
"Tell me about it."
Luke felt as if he was floating over the ground, legs tingling, arms leaden down. He liked this feeling. Focusing on Noah kept him from losing his mind completely to dark thoughts he'd rather keep away.
"I know what that feels like."
It was an admission he was a little shocked by but the truth sometimes showed itself in strange ways.
Noah's hand slipped into his, squeezing tightly.
-- --
They stumbled into the elevator, hitting the back wall with a hard thump and Luke didn't want to think anymore. Talking hurt everything. He liked Noah too much to let him see what kind of disaster he really was. What he needed was the warmth that seemed to radiate from inside Noah. He looked up and found Noah staring back, all heat and want. It was too much and he pushed up on his toes, captured Noah's mouth in his own.
Noah froze for a second, tensing under Luke's hand and he worried that he'd read it all wrong, that this wasn't were they had been leading. He was the first person Luke had talked with, really talked with and he needed this to be...something.
Noah's hands bunched into the fabric of Luke's coat, pulled at the lapels until they were flush against one another, hips bumping and Luke closed his eyes, arching back as Noah's mouth found the thick cord of muscle in his throat, teeth nipping hard, making him shiver.
That was familiar. That was something he understood.
The elevator pinged and they pulled apart, clutching hard at shoulders and arms. Noah cleared his throat, grabbed his hand and lead them out, turning to look at him. Luke blinked a few times, realized that Noah was asking him a question.
He nodded. "Yes."
It seemed to be enough and he followed as Noah walked them down the hall turning into a corner. It was a suite, just like his own, and he stepped through the door cautiously. There were papers lying on the coffee table, pen sitting across them at an angle and Luke could make out a set of signatures at the bottom.
"I've never done this before."
He turned to stare at Noah, eyebrow raised because he was sure Noah had told him that he'd been the one to stray, physically at least.
The bitter smile that fell over Noah's face seemed out of place. Luke barely knew him but that was something he was sure of.
"That was different. You could barely call it sex. The back of some club, a quick -- fuck -- and then it was over. In one stupid moment I'd ended everything I loved, you know?"
He remembered waking up in the hospital, the look on his mother's face when he'd asked what happened. How he'd known exactly what she wasn't telling him and why. His chest constricted, pushing a swell of emotion he wanted no part of. Swallowing it down, Luke whispered back, "I do."
Noah took a step closer, reaching for him and he couldn't take that.
"I know I'm some guy that tried to pick you up in a bar. That you think I don't know you but Luke -- you didn't -- it wasn't your fault. It was an accident."
He shook his head, warding Noah off with a hand. "Stop, just."
There was a shaking inside, loosening and breaking. He watched Noah take a step closer and he panicked, fumbling back. He couldn't be there. He needed to run from Noah, from the room, from his life. He clamped down on the feelings that spilled out of their boxes. "Just -- can we not do this? Can you --" Something clawed up his throat, a sound he didn't recognize. He couldn't see suddenly, Noah blurring around the edges and he felt the hot prick of tears in his eyes. If he'd been in control, sober and closed off, he could've stopped it. But in that moment, Luke couldn't do anything. His legs gave out and he couldn't breath, gasping for air as he sputtered half-words. His hands trembled when he brought them up to his mouth, keening out a wail that he hadn't known was inside him.
"I can't - I -"
Noah was there on his knees beside him, pulling until Luke stopped resisting, pushing his face into Noah's neck, gripping on the strong arms that wrapped themselves around him.
"Shh. It's okay. Hey, it's okay." One hand rubbed up and down his back, the other pushing into his hair, cupping the back of Luke's head. "It wasn't your fault. You got to believe that someday, Luke."
He shook his head against Noah's shoulder. "I killed him. I killed him. I killed him..."
-- --
Noah rocked him gently, legs splayed out, Luke resting in the space between, his head back against Noah's chest , eyes closed.
"I'm sorry about that."
He felt a pinch on his arm, glanced up to see Noah frowning at him. "Don't apologize for feeling what you feel, Luke."
"I shouldn't have done it."
Noah sighed, leaned his chin down on Luke's head. "Yeah, well. I'm glad you did."
-- --
"I knew it was done a long time before I admitted it to myself. We'd been -- our lives were completely interlaced. Personally and professionally. Maybe that's why it happened. Too much of something can sometimes make it less important, less valuable."
They were lying on the bed, side by side, the only light in the room coming from a lamp far off in the corner. Noah's eyes darkened as he spoke, brows scrunched and mouth a tight line of hurt. He reached one hand across the tiny space that separated them, brushing fingers down Noah's face. A pang burst in his chest when Noah's face relaxed at the touch.
His fingers buzzed from Noah's skin. Luke couldn't decide what to do. His voice was hoarse and stilted when he said, "You - were scared to be alone?" It had started that way for them, too. Grasping to keep something that had never really been.
Noah nodded jerkily. "He was the only constant in my life for years. I -- no one had ever stayed before him." He met Luke's gaze, smiling sadly. "I guess when you think about it, he didn't either."
There weren't any words he could say to make it better. He leaned his forehead against Noah's, breathed in as Noah stuttered out a sigh.
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah. Me, too."
-- --
"I bet this wasn't how you thought you'd spend the night." Luke said, burying his face in Noah's neck, smiling gently at the vibration of Noah's chuckle on his cheek.
"You could say that." He threaded his fingers in Luke's hair, sighing quietly and somehow, not knowing him well at all, Luke was sure Noah had something important to say. "I wanted to get rid of all this -- anger, disappointment in someone." He tightened his hold, rubbed his chin on the top of Luke's head. "I had no idea I'd find you."
Luke snorted. "Yeah, you lucked out good, didn't you? Probably some nice accountant down there looking to get laid, you get the basket case who ki-"
"Stop that." Noah growled quietly, the words reverberating against his head and he wanted to argue because Noah had no idea who he was. But he felt safe, warm in the expanse of Noah's arms and he wanted to keep that feeling for as long as it could last.
As if he'd read his mind, Noah slide down so their eyes met, touching Luke's cheek softly. "Listen to me, okay? I'm not claiming I know anything about what happened. That would be a lie." He cradled Luke's face, brushing his nose against his cheek, words falling hot and heavy on Luke's skin. "I've know you a total of five hours but I believe that you deserve more than you think."
Luke shook his head, eyes feeling the prick of tears again and he tried to push away. Noah moved one hand to rest against his back, anchoring him there. "I've made mistakes that cost me everything, Luke. But I know that whatever is ahead will be better. You're drowning under this weight you carry. Let it go."
He closed his eyes, blocking as best he could those words because he didn't know what to do with them and held on tight to Noah. Allowed him to stroke his head and arms, allowed his body to melt against the solid presence that wanted to be there for him, allowed his mind to shut down. Darkness closed in around him and he didn't think how right it felt in that moment.
-- --
He startled awake, jerking up in bed at the unfamiliar sensation of an arm around his waist. Luke buried his face in one hand, groaning at the pounding in his temples, nausea clawing up his throat. "Jesus. What the fuck?" His mind was fuzzy, the night before unclear but he was aware enough to know he wasn't in his room.
The warmth at his side indicating that he'd probably ended up picking some random stranger up. Except as he opened his eyes partially, he realized he was fully dressed and that his bed mate was too. That meant he hadn't actually let the drink get him into some kind of trouble. It made no sense because he didn't usually take a man to bed and actually sleep.
He didn't sleep much at all anymore.
Afraid to look over, he took his time rolling his head in a circle, cracking muscles that had cramped up overnight. Eventually, he was ready enough to glance over, seeing dark hair against the pillow. The moment he caught sight of his face he remembered Noah.
Remembered everything he'd told him about Reid, the accident. He'd cried -- Jesus fuck -- he'd actually let his control loosen to the point where he'd --
Noah's arm rested against his waist, fingers curled over Luke's hip and it made something in Luke's stomach curl up, heated and trembling. He shifted slowly, flicking his gaze between Noah's hand and his face. He slid out from under his touch, legs dangling off the side of the bed, head bent. He hated himself a little more every day. Today wasn't any different. He glanced over his shoulder, taking in Noah's face, soft in sleep. He'd lucked out finding him in that bar.
The best thing he could ever do for Noah was to get the hell out of his room and forget they'd ever met. Moving as quietly as he could, Luke grabbed his jacket and shoes, tiptoeing out of the bedroom. He closed the door with the smallest sound, standing outside the room he found that he didn't know what to do. He glanced around the suite as if would have the answer. His phone vibrated suddenly, making him jump before he pulled it out, glancing at the message.
WHERE IN THE FUCK ARE YOU, SNYDER?
All caps was never good when it came to Ali. His fingers flew over the keys, typing out an apology he didn't mean but that was the routine. He screwed up. Ali picked up the pieces and cleaned the mess. They understood each other the best that way though he remembered how it used to be. Back when Luke lived a different kind of existence.
He moved toward the exit but halfway across the room his feet faltered. Dropping his chin on his chest, he sighed and turned toward the huge mahogany desk at the other end. He grabbed one of the pens in the drawer and picking up the hotel pad, scribbled on the page, feeling the weight he'd been able to shed for one night settle over his shoulders once more.
Leaving the note where he thought Noah would see it, he walked to the door, stepping out into the hallway and headed back to the elevator.
He reached his room just as the phone began to ring. Picking it up, he said in a rush. "I need a shower and then I'm ready."
"Where the -"
"Lay off, Alison. I'm here, aren't I? Give me twenty minutes and we can leave."
There was a terse silence where Luke was sure Alison debated whether it would be worth killing him and ultimately decided it wasn't worth the trouble.
"Fine. Twenty minutes. But I swear Luke if you aren't down here, I'll leave without you." The line went dead and he breathed a sigh of relief.
He thought of deep blue eyes, warm hands on his shoulders, in his hair and how it felt to be free for one night.
Knowing that train would do him no good, he pushed it all away.
Luke went home and pretended it had never happened. Forgot everything like it'd been a passing dream.
|Part One|