Fic: to this place (to you) - Part Three
Title: to this place (to you)
Author(s): freakykat
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Jake Silbermann/Van Hansis
Summary: I'm conflicted. I inhale now I'm addicted, to this place, to you, babe. We get up, we go down, then we go one more round. I can't stay away.
3.
2009
Van never thought of his dressing room as being too big. But then Jake came into his life, and now that he's gone, there's too much empty space. He misses Jake and all of his things: his comics, his ginormous shoes for his ridiculously large feet, his favorite jacket with the worn cuffs, his books, all of his papers that Van would scowl at until Jake picked them up. It's like now that it's all gone (now that Jake is gone) he isn't comfortable with all the room Jake isn’t taking up.
He hates being there so much that he ends up spending almost all his time in Billy's dressing room.
They don't talk about why.
He misses Jake every day.
It's why he jumps at the chance to do another event in Florida with the fans. He enjoys spending time with them and would have gone no matter what, but the fact that Jake calls him to say he'll be there is just an added bonus.
They haven't seen each other in a few months, Jake busy auditioning and doing whatever it is that Jake does when he's not with Van, or working, and Van has been working more than normal. He isn't sure he likes where they're heading with Luke but he is willing to give it a chance. (He wants to shake them and scream to give Luke - and Van - back his partner.) Van wants to talk to Jake about his thoughts, the decision he's been contemplating, he's itching to talk with him about nothing and everything.
Billy and Marnie are in the lobby when he gets there. They invite him to the bar whenever he's done and Van runs to the front desk to check in. He asks after Jake, and the front desk clerk is pulling up the information when Van feels warmth at his back and turns to meet clear blue eyes smiling down at him. He drops his bag and hugs Jake before he can think about what he's doing.
"You miss me, Hansis?"
"Shut up," he mumbles into Jake's shoulder and holds on tighter.
-- --
It's not until they're on the beach around a fire that Billy and Cole built that they get a chance to talk. Everyone else decides to roast marshmallows and John pulls out his guitar, strumming it quietly. Van looks over at Jake and like it always is, Jake understands, nods and gets up. Van joins him, grabbing a blanket, and they walk silently. This is what Van missed the most -- the quiet they share.
He stops about half a mile from where they started. He can still see the fire, people milling around and there's a few more than there were before.
"It's getting crowded," Jake comments, reading Van's mind as always. He throws him a grin, opens the blanket with a flourish and lays it down on the sand. He sits quickly, waits until Jake follows suit. Their knees touch, hands brushing against each other as they adjust on the sand. Van's heart is racing when Jake glances at him sideways and smiles slowly at him.
"You got something to say, Hansis?"
Van raises one eyebrow at him.
Jake shrugs. "I don't know. You seem to have something on your mind."
He does but it's not something he can talk about. Not yet. He opens his mouth to ask Jake the question that's been on his mind since the beginning, but he closes it when Jake's phone rings. He pulls it out, his face lighting up slightly and he stands, brings a finger up to ask Van to wait, and steps away a few feet. Van watches him talk for several minutes and his heart falls into his stomach.
Jake comes back over, sliding the phone back into his pocket, and sits on the ground with a loud "oof!" then stares at Van. "Sorry, I didn't mean to stop you from talking. What is it you wanted to say?"
Van shakes his head.
The silence stretches out until it's a palpable wall between them, until Van needs to ask, "Everything okay?" He motions to his ear, mimes a phone, and Jake's jaw tenses but his face stays pleasant. He sends a quick look at Van before returning his eyes to the water.
"It's good. I just forgot to call after the party tonight. Jamie was just checking up."
Van nods, clears his throat. "Jamie? I don't think you told me about --"
"Him. We just met a few weeks ago."
There's a sour taste starting in the back of his throat but Van pushes it down and away. "That's good, Jake. You haven't dated anyone for a while." He can feel Jake's gaze on him and sets his face to hide the uncomfortable ache in his chest. When he meets Jake's eyes, he manages a real smile. "I'm happy that you met someone."
Jake keeps his eyes on Van, whispers a quiet "Thank you," but Van thinks something dims in his stare.
It's better that he doesn't think about it.
-- --
He slams the door closed at the end of the scene (even though it wasn't actually scripted, but it's not out of the realm of possibility for Luke to be that pissed off) and sees Billy's eyebrow twitch upward from where he is standing on the set. The director calls out "Cut!" and Van walks (some might call it a stalk) to the other end of the studio. He doesn't speak to anyone but waves and nods, tries to smile if someone greets him, but doesn't for any reason actually stop.
The mood he's been in for two weeks is sending people scurrying the other way. He doesn't want to bring that to work, though. The crew and his friends don't deserve that, so he tries to funnel it all into his performances. It's a good thing Luke is basically a mess of anger and hurt, because Van can't imagine what he'd be doing without that outlet.
He walks down the hall and veers left, away from his dressing room and ending up in front of Billy’s door. Leaning against the opposite wall, he studies the carpet under his feet until he hears the sound of muffled footsteps. Van glances up to see Billy give him a nod before opening his door, leaving it ajar for Van to follow. He closes it quietly then flops on Billy's couch, grabbing and skimming through one of the scripts for Sweeps they were handed that morning.
"You think they'll actually let us out of here before three in the morning next week?"
Billy shakes his head. "Doubt it. Ronnie said the effects department has been working overtime, so you know it'll take forever."
He fishes out a shirt, changes fast, and then turns to glare at Van.
"It's time, Van."
He blinks up at Billy. "For dinner? To take over the universe?"
Billy's mouth twitches but he makes his face stern. "No. To admit that you miss Jake and are probably a little more than in love with him and that not saying that or doing something about it is driving you to be an asshole."
Van focuses on the part of that statement that he can afford to. "I am not being an asshole. I've been trying to not... do that."
Billy gives him a look. "Yeah, well, you’re failing. Try harder." He takes a seat next to Van, pushing his feet off the cushion, and settles back against his seat. "Van, you know I love you, man. And I'm not telling you what to do."
"I love Tyler, Billy."
His friend shrugs and meets his eyes, gaze steady. "I'm not saying you don't, but -- are you happy? That's all I'm asking you to think about. Because, just so you know, you haven't been the best with him lately either."
Van narrows his eyes. "What's that mean?"
Billy throws his hands up, shaking his head, and bites his lip. "That you feel guilty about whatever it is you have or feel for Jake and it's bleeding over, dude." Billy leans closer, touches Van's shoulder. "I like or love everyone in this whole situation, Van. I just think -- you need to figure out what you want."
He closes his eyes and nods. He can't really argue with what Billy is saying.
"Easier said than done."
-- --
It's not that Van doesn't know that he's being unreasonable.
It's that if he actually takes the time to talk to Tyler, he might say something that will hurt. That he can't take back.
So they fight. Or don't talk.
Tyler works more and more, which gives Van flashes of the last time -- back when things had fallen apart and it had been Van not understanding what was going on. He feels the bitter curl of his mouth at the memories.
Maybe it was going to happen eventually, because Tyler is patient, but he has limits that Van can test better than anyone else.
They're in the middle of a fight about -- ridiculously enough -- a fucking umbrella, when Tyler goes tense and shuts his mouth with a snap. Van's been itching for this and he trembles with it.
But the rules change suddenly and Tyler looks at him, calm and a little sad. "You have to move past it, Van." He starts to say he doesn't understand (but he does, god, he does) and Tyler stops him. "Don't do that. You know better than to try that with me. I know you, Van." He moves closer until he's standing right in front of Van. He leans his head down and Van breathes in when Tyler finally says "Maybe we can --"
"This is not Friends. Do not say 'take a break.'"
Tyler laughs softly, his breath against his skin, and Van shivers because there's always going to be that between them, a tug of want. He doesn't know what to do. They've been for so long and Van doesn't think he knows how to not be.
Except he sees Jake in his head and that's not true. He knows. He's just scared.
"I don't want to give up."
Tyler sighs and gives in for a hug but it's trembling and unsteady. "Okay. Let's just see how it goes. We take it slow."
Van nods his head against Tyler's shoulder. "Okay."
-- --
He thinks it gets better. They make time for each other, try a movie night and dinner. It's during one of those nights that Tyler says suddenly, "I know it's Jake.”
Van spits out the drink he was sipping, chokes for so long that Tyler makes him stand up and raise his arms. After he's calm enough, he stops and looks at Tyler, croaking out a "What?"
Tyler rolls his eyes. "I have eyes, Van. I see the way he looks at you."
Van really wants to ask how Jake looks at him, but he stops the question.
-- --
2010
His contract comes up and Van quietly decides not to renew. Goutman makes an effort to talk him out of it, but Van doesn't think there's anywhere he can take Luke, not with the way they write him, and it's better to leave on a high note. He gets nominated for an Emmy again and it's enough to get him to agree to stay another six months so they can tie his storyline up.
Goutman gives him the most sincere look that Van has ever seen and says, "I promise to make it worth it, Van."
Surprisingly, Van actually believes him.
Tyler encourages him to start auditions on the West Coast. They even take Van's vacation time and head out there, finding places they like and can see living in. But it feels so foreign to him, too much space, not enough people. He misses the clutter of New York, the noise, walking down the street and getting to see everything and every kind of person. Here they all look the same, both the streets and the people.
They meet up with old friends and have a good time.
Somewhere along the way Van realizes that he needs to make up his mind about what he wants.
Like most things, it's fate that makes it up for him.
-- --
Billy has the strangest look on his face when he walks into the studio his first morning back, a cross between excitement and dread. Van laughs at him. "What's up with you?"
He waves the scripts in his hand at Van. "Have you seen the scripts for next week yet?"
Van's eyebrows rise up. "No. I just got in. Something especially good happen?"
Billy shrugs a little too easily. "You could say that. So, last week's script mentioned someone like five times, I'm not even kidding, and I thought it was nothing. That happens sometimes you know. Except..." He picks up the second set of scripts sitting on the chair next to him, opens the first one to the scene breakdown page and points.
Van's vision swims when he sees the name Noah.
"Fuck me."
Billy nods. "Yes."
-- --
Jake calls him that night. They haven't spoken in nearly six months.
"Hey."
"Hi.”
And it's like no time passed between them and before Van knows it, they've been on the phone an hour. They make plans for lunch and Van feels like he can breathe again.
-- --
"Wait, so, really?"
Jake's eyes are huge and Van starts to laugh at him. He throws a napkin his way but doesn't glance away from Goutman.
"Yes. Really."
Jake looks back down at his script and then grins at him, makes Van's heart skip a beat or three. "About time Noah grew a pair, man."
"I'm pretty sure he always had them, Jake. Otherwise, Luke would not have bothered."
That makes Billy and Marnie laugh from the other side of the table as Jake makes a crude gesture and Van grins and grins.
-- --
Jake is seeing someone.
He hasn't told him yet but he knows through the grapevine that is their mutual friends. Van can tell Jake is waiting to say something, and that -- he doesn't like that. Because it means it's important to him. It’s serious enough that it means something.
Van meets Brooke at dinner. She's gorgeous, and sweet, and lovely, and he hates her so much that he can't even see straight. (He doesn't really because she's a riot and makes him laugh, but he kind of wants to, it would make things so much easier.) They end up staying until closing, Tyler meeting them after his show ends, and they talk and drink.
He can almost forget not to feel that pang in his stomach when Jake puts his arm around Brooke, or the way Tyler is watching him carefully while he talks to Jake about his new job.
Brooke grabs him in a hug at the end of the night. "I'm really glad we met. Jake talks about you all the time. You are just as wonderful as he said."
He gives her a warm grin. "I'm glad we got to meet, too." It's not really a lie because he does like her.
Maybe just not with Jake.
It's a hell of an honest thought to have.
When he glances over Jake is giving Tyler a hug, whispering into his ear, and Tyler nods, smiling gently back before they walk away.
Van is pretty sure he doesn't want to know.
-- --
The hospital scene is difficult to do. Van has to lie in the bed, as still as possible, and it's hard to keep his eyes closed when he can hear the amazing acting going on in the room. Noelle and Billy are fantastic. He wants to get up and give them a standing ovation. If he didn't know that Luke was going to be perfectly fine in a few weeks' time, he'd be freaking out over his possible demise.
Then Jake walks into the room and Van can't think through his whole scene. He opens his eyes a fraction to watch him when he knows the camera isn't on him and it's -- he looks wrecked. Van breaks open at the way Jake's face crumbles when Noah confesses that he never stopped loving Luke, that he would love him for the rest of his life and if he left now that he wouldn't make it. Jake gives his all and Van barely resists standing up and doing things he probably shouldn't to him.
He tries not to move as the scene continues with Jon and Jake. When they finally cut, Van sits up and takes a shaky breath. Looking up, he catches the back of Jake going through the set and out into the hall towards their dressing room. He waits until he talks to Bill about his upcoming scene and how they want to play it. They break for dinner and he goes to find Jake.
He's sitting on their couch in their dressing room (It feels right to think that and he knows, understands what it means) and Van takes a seat next to him, waits for whatever Jake might need to say.
The sigh he gives breaks Van's heart. He glances at him, blue eyes a little misty and rolls his eyes at himself. "I know how it works but I couldn't get it out of my head that it was you on that bed."
Van doesn't know how to respond except to pull Jake in and hold him until he stops shaking or they call them back to set.
Whatever might come first.
-- --
Tyler skims his lips over Van's forehead, kisses him there. "It's the right decision."
Van grips him tighter and nods against Tyler's shoulder. "I know."
When Tyler kisses him slow and sweet, Van closes his eyes and hums a quiet response.
-- --
The last scene he ever films as Luke is opening the door to his apartment and finding Noah inside. It's a lovely way to end their run. They've filmed the full reunion a few days ago, closed set, and the actual ensemble scenes with their goodbye party had taken all morning and part of the afternoon, but it's this one scene that manages to get to Van. The look on Jake's face as Noah tells Luke he's not leaving him again. Jake's favorite scene of all the ones they were set to do that week.
They finish and yell "cut" and the crew surround Van and Jake with hugs, congratulations and miss yous. Van takes the time to say goodbye to Linda in makeup and Christy in wardrobe. Bob and Phil from the crew hold on tight when they embrace him. He'll see the cast and everyone else at the party later. It's bittersweet and Van begins to have those second thoughts as soon as his feet hit the pavement outside.
But then Jake is standing next to him, one hand clasping his shoulder, and he grabs Van by the arm, drags him into a cab and takes him out for a few drinks and lunch.
-- --
He is really drunk.
The party has been underway for a few hours, everyone laughing and talking and crowding around the small bar in the private room they have to themselves. Van's been sitting in the back for twenty minutes, eyes trained on Jake dancing with Marnie, then Billy, then Marnie again. His hands shake with need, want curls at the base of his spine to be the one that Jake is hanging all over, but the shots that Jon and Kelley had bought him make him too loose to get up from his comfortable chair.
It's probably why he doesn't notice before it's too late.
Jake plops down next to Van in the booth, his head falls back against the seat, and when he turns to look at Van, he gives him a drunken grin. "You hiding away from us?" Jake laughs at the scowl Van sends him. "That doesn't really work on me, Van." He leans closer, sweaty and hot, and Van stops breathing at how beautiful Jake is, how alive and there.
He clears his throat where it feels like his heart is wedged. "I'm not hiding."
Jake snorts, scoots another inch in, and Van closes his eyes when Jake's breath falls against his ear. He shivers despite trying to control it. "Bullshit." He turns his face and Jake is right there, so close his lips are almost a blur. His cock -- half-hard already from having spent the better part of the night watching Jake -- fills and aches, makes him shift away uncomfortably.
Van has a passing thought of running to the bathroom and finding relief before he makes a fool of himself.
Then Jake's cheeks rub against Van's and he lets out a soft moan from the contact. "Jake."
"Hmmm."
Jake is always tactile. It drives Van to distraction at times but it's ten times as bad when he's drunk, because at that point he doesn't care where they are or who can see them. Not that either one of them ever cared. What they are has never been easy to explain. The thing about them is that one of them always knows where the line in the sand is.
Van leans in, touches his forehead to Jake's chin, breathes and then breathes more when Jake's hands find their way through his hair, threading his fingers through the strands and holding tight. He mouths a kiss to the skin there, a lick when Jake lets his head fall back, and that's all he needs.
That's Jake saying yes.
Van scrambles out from the booth and sways a little, but he's a lot more sober now than he was five minutes ago. Jake opens his eyes slowly, looks at him with confusion and want warring in them, but doesn't stop Van as he grabs his wrist and pulls.
There's a back exit and Van finds it easily, hailing a cab at the corner and shoving Jake in. They stare at one another from across the seat when the driver asks for an address.
Van thinks about his empty apartment, but even though this is his decision, he can't go there. That's not -- no. Jake must see that in Van’s eyes, because he gives his address and crosses the seat before Van can blink. Their mouths fuse and Van hears the radio turn up louder. He should feel some sort of embarrassment, but he's pretty sure this isn't even the most shocking thing the cabbie has seen tonight, so he wiggles his finger under Jake's shirt and touches his hot skin. Jake makes this noise in the back of his throat when Van kisses him, it's soft, almost inaudible except for how Van feels it all the way to his toes every single time.
They make soft sucking noises on skin, whimper as they fall apart just to come back together again, and it burns him inside. This is --- he knows this is it. The cab stops and he pushes at Jake gently to get them out and into the apartment, preferably on a flat surface but Van isn't picky at the moment. He throws some cash into the front seat, probably over-tipping by at least ten bucks, and leaps out of the car, pulling Jake into the building.
It takes them ten minutes to reach Jake's door because Van pushes Jake against the wall on every landing and kisses Jake until neither of them can breathe, only letting him go to walk up another flight and then repeating. Jake fumbles with his key a couple times when they reach his door. They fall inside the apartment, hands yanking at shirts and zippers and whatever is between them being skin to skin. Van slams the door shut with his foot then dives back into Jake's mouth, grabbing his head to keep him steady. Jake steps back, mouth red and raw, tries to say something but his eyes fall to Van's lips and he shakes his head, losing the desire to speak.
Jake’s hands can't decide where to go first, but they settle on Van's head and everything slows, pauses for a moment. Jake brings their faces together, gentles Van's kisses and refuses to let him take the lead again. He speaks into Van's mouth. "I want you to know who you're with."
Van's chest flutters with love, stupid and large, and he nods, leaning back an inch, their lips brushing every few seconds, and meets Jake's dark blue gaze. "I know." He'll deal with the morning when it comes, with what he needs to do and whatever he'll have to do so he can keep this, keep Jake. He gives Jake a wry smile. "This might be corny, but I want you. That's it."
Jake stares and then he hits him with that ridiculous slow-burner smile that weakens Van's knees, makes him want to promise anything Jake wants in reaction to it. He doesn't know why in the hell it's taking him so long to lean in to kiss Jake again, and all these thoughts are making him into a girl, which really won't work for him right now, so he pushes up into Jake's mouth, runs his tongue around the seam between upper and lower lip and guides him to the bedroom.
They can go slow later.
Jake grabs Van's waist and shoves until his back hits the mattress, his fingers nimble against Van's zipper, and the sound of clothes rustling fills the air until Jake is naked, long and lean against Van's whole body. He bites back on the moan that burns in his chest when Jake's hands find him, his grip tight and warm. He drags pants and groans from Van, makes him beg for Jake's mouth on him. He catches the glint in Jake's eyes, the large, sloppy grin when Van stops begging and starts demanding.
Jake's mouth is wet and hot and so good that Van shudders all the way from head to toe, already so close to the edge, and shuts his eyes tight to keep from coming apart. He can't let it be over, not yet, not until Jake is inside him. He jerks his hips up into Jake, growls a protest when Jake's hands keep him still, only his tongue and teeth working him, and Van can't hold it back anymore. He tightens one hand into Jake's hair and comes so hard his vision goes white. Jake's tongue laps up what he couldn't swallow and Van pets gently at Jake's head, squirms and whines when he licks his way up until he's flush against Van from shoulders to toes.
Jake’s cock is hard and full against Van's stomach and Van opens his eyes, sees it all there in Jake’s want-blown eyes and he opens his legs, Jake fitting into place and licking his way into Van’s mouth. Van lets him for a moment, whispering when they pull away for a breath, "Fuck me."
Jake whimpers in response, sucks at Van’s lips and moves to the side to dig through his bedside table, pulling out a half-used bottle of lube and a strip of condoms. Van gives them a quick glance then grins up at Jake. "You are ambitious, baby." He stops breathing at the flare of hunger in Jake's eyes, but he's too loose, muscles relaxed after his orgasm, so he lets Jake drag him down the mattress slightly and bends his knees until Jake's finger circles and pushes and --
Van's head falls back as he’s breached and he gasps. "Fuck, yes." He cants his hips up, twitches when his overly sensitive cock brushes against Jake's hair. There's another finger joining the first and he knows Jake is watching his fingers enter Van intently, feels his breath on the skin there, and then there's a wet slide that Van can't handle on top of all the other sensations and he cries out.
Jake's tongue pushes in along with a third finger and Van's hands clench at the sheets, his skin damp with sweat, and he pushes down, wants more. His cock is half-hard and gaining speed as he wraps one hand around it, pulls and hisses at the sensations, still sensitive but too good to make him want to stop. "I can't --- Jake." Jake doesn't seem to hear him, mouth working at Van's hole with complete focus. He sucks one of Van's balls into his mouth, rolls it gently, fingers stretching his hole until Van sees stars, chest heaving with need, aching with every stuttered breath. His brain turns to mush when Jake shoves back inside fast and hard, and Van grabs Jake's hair, yanks until the other man looks up at him, eyes glazed over. Van brings Jake upwards until their faces are inches apart. He licks Jake, tastes himself and groans. "Stop teasing me, damn it, Jake."
Jake smirks, jerks out of Van's hold, and without warning he enters Van in one long, hot slide. Van arches his back, all the air leaving his lungs at once, and Van can't even make a noise when Jake drags his cock over his prostate, slow and steady, pulling almost all the way out before slamming back in again. Van's hands scrabble for purchase on Jake's shoulders, fingertips digging in hard, his legs wrapping around Jake's hips as he holds on. Jake moves faster, getting closer as he loses rhythm and buries his face in Van's neck, sucking a bruise there as Van tries to talk, to tell Jake what he's doing to him, but his voice is gone -- all he can manage is grunts and moans. Jake seems to love that and he brings his head up to watch Van falling apart, focuses on his face as he picks up his speed, fucks him deeper and harder. One hand grips Van's hip, shifts him slightly and everything hits exactly the right place. Van cries out when Jake's cock buries itself all the way in, over and over, until it's just one stretched out moment of pleasure. Jake's mouth finds his, moaned and grunted words falling into Van as one hand wraps around Van's hard, leaking cock, jerking fast and quick. Jake tenses and then he shouts out Van's name, face twisting with painful pleasure. The slide of Jake's hand against his cock and the sight of him falling apart is enough to make Van come, white hot stripes shooting across Jake's stomach and chest.
Jake crushes him, trembles as Van's hands trace a line down his spine. He kisses the sweaty temple he can reach and breathes until his heart stops trying to beat out of his chest.
Van shuts his eyes and lets it wash over him.
-- --
They lie together for hours, hands and mouth exploring places they remember, ones they never got a chance to explore before. Van lets his fingers trace over Jake's face, dips his lips to taste Jake's and smiles when he receives an eager kiss, a sigh, Jake's eyes dark and wanting, and just beyond Van can see his fear.
"I'm not leaving this time."
Jake swallows and looks away. "I have to."
Van stares at him.
"I have to talk with Brooke. It's not right to not tell her."
He doesn't panic because that means -- "You're breaking up with her?"
Jake rolls his eyes. "Yes, dumbass. Of course I am. I never should --" Something seems to occur to him and he pulls away. "Unless --"
Van leans their foreheads together, kisses Jake's nose and shakes his head. "No, I'm not -- I'm choosing us, okay?"
"Are you going --"
Van bites his lip. "He already knows."
Jake's eyes widen.
"Tyler moved to California two weeks ago. We haven't officially, you know, but it's been over a long time. We just didn't know how to let it go." Van rests his forehead in the space between Jake's shoulder and neck. "You make me -- what the fuck, Jake -- I want to spout cheesy fucking poems about your ridiculous eyes, and it's -- I am losing my street cred, babe."
Jake laughs loudly and squeezes Van tighter. It fades after a minute and he rolls his head to look out the window. "It's getting light out."
Van sighs.
"I need to go, but I'll come to your place as soon as I can."
He looks up, smiles at the happiness he can see in Jake's eyes, even if it is tremulous. It's there. "I can wait."
Jake grins and that's all Van needs.
-- --
2011
Jake Silbermann Speaks Out
by Freddie March
From The Advocate December 2011
For the last few months, Jake Silbermann, once known as half of daytime television's first (and possibly most successful) gay couple, is making new headlines with his much talked about film Stuffer, a dark and complex look at how far one person would go to keep safe everything they loved. His name has also appeared in tabloids thanks to candid images of him and his once upon a time co-star turned boyfriend (the term Silbermann prefers), Van Hansis, on a recent vacation. The two have been together for a year but managed to keep it out of the public eye. Jake talks for the first time about his new movie, his new love, and how it is sharing an apartment with two cats.
Your new movie is getting a lot of buzz around the film festival circuit. Is this something you were expecting when you first wrote it?
Oh, god, no. Not at all. I wrote the short in my downtime between leaving ATWT and returning for the final Luke and Noah storyline. That was about a year. I found inspiration and just sat down to write it. Last year I got Nathan involved and my fans came together and helped to fund it, which is probably the second best thing to ever happen to me. Now, it's out there and I couldn't be happier.
Your cast is great.
Danielle is fantastic isn't she? And Michael is wonderful, too. Nate did a brilliant job with them.
You're a revelation in it, too. Was it hard to prepare for the role?
Thank you, really. I loved Haken. He is the antithesis of everything I am and any character I've ever played. It was a scary process getting into his head but there's a freedom to that.
So what's the best thing ever to happen to you?
(laughs) Really?
Well I think it'll segue nicely into our next set of questions so, yes, really.
Van, of course.
That being said, we've been after you for an interview for a long time. What made you decide to do it finally? You've always been a private person.
(shrugs) I still am. That hasn't changed. But when those pictures of Van and I got plastered in every news rag, we thought it was time to address whatever questions people had. Get it out and over with so everyone could move past it. (smiles) Look, our personal relationship is never going to be a topic either of us will talk about openly. Like you said, I like to keep my life private. Van is twice as adamant about that.
So, basically this is about telling people to shut the hell up and move on already.
(laughs) I wouldn't have said it that way... but yeah.
Okay, then, let's start with the one question everyone seems to want to ask. When did you get together?
About this time last year.
When you had a girlfriend and he was still involved with dancer Tyler Hanes?
(long pause) That's right.
That's honest.
(nods) Why would I lie? Do I wish I'd gone about it a different way? Sure. But we can't change the past. The best you can do is own up to your mistakes and never make them again. Van and I have a complicated history. I've known him a long time. I've loved him longer than that. There's no way I was going to let him go once I got him. Everyone is happy now, including Brooke and Tyler. That's what matters.
Romantic, aren't you? Tell me about your life with Van.
(face lights up) It's amazing! I know I sound corny and he's going to read this article and make fun of me forever, but being in love with your best friend is the greatest thing ever. He knows me better than anyone, you know? But honestly? We're boring. (laughs) No, really. We go grocery shopping every Sunday and do laundry on Saturdays. If we can spend the day at home in our sweats, beached on our couch, that makes us happiest.
The phone interrupts and Jake takes a break to answer it. It's his better half. He speaks quietly into the phone, smiling the entire time, and there's an excited rumble from his corner before he hangs up and rejoins the interview.
How is Van?
Doing great! He just got a part he auditioned for last week.
You really seem happy.
(grins) Absolutely. I love the guy. I even love his two ridiculously spoiled cats. They are the biggest drama queens in the world and rule the house like only two females can.
Any future plans on adopting someday?
We've talked about it!
Seriously?
There's a dog I've had my eye on for a while.
-- --
Van puts the magazine down on the table and leans his head back on the armrest to watch Jake walking in the room, arms full of bags. "Hey, baby."
Jake startles but grins when he sees him. "Hey! I thought you had rehearsals until five."
Van makes his way to the door, grabs one of the bags in Jake’s hands in one of his and pulls Jake in with the other, kissing him long and hard.
"Mark is sick, so we got sent home." He licks Jake's taste from his mouth and leans down to kiss him again. The bag on his arm is getting heavy, but he doesn't really care. Jake grins slowly, one eyebrow raising as he presses his free hand to Van's jaw and traces the stubble over it.
"What's going on?"
Van grins. "You love my stupid cats and we're going to adopt a dog."
Jake rolls his eyes and enters the kitchen, places the bag on the counter then grabs the one Van is carrying. "You read the interview, huh?"
Van hooks his chin over Jake's shoulder. "It was a good interview." Jake does that thing where he blushes, which Van finds both hot and adorable. They are a sickening pair. "I appreciate not mentioning that the girls take after me."
Jake snorts a laugh. "It was implied."
Van bites his shoulder. "I know that, asshole. Sarcasm there." He pauses for a moment, then says, "We should probably get a boy dog, though. Even out the playing field."
Jake continues to unload the groceries and Van can hear the smile in his voice when he states, "You are a ridiculous human being, Evan, and I have no idea why I put up with you."
Van grabs his waist, turns him around and pushes him back against the counter. "Because you love me and I give the best blow jobs ever."
Jake looks up at the ceiling, thinks it over for a moment then nods. "Those are as good reasons as any, I suppose."
Van laughs and kisses him.
Jake kisses him back.
End.
Author(s): freakykat
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Jake Silbermann/Van Hansis
Summary: I'm conflicted. I inhale now I'm addicted, to this place, to you, babe. We get up, we go down, then we go one more round. I can't stay away.
3.
2009
Van never thought of his dressing room as being too big. But then Jake came into his life, and now that he's gone, there's too much empty space. He misses Jake and all of his things: his comics, his ginormous shoes for his ridiculously large feet, his favorite jacket with the worn cuffs, his books, all of his papers that Van would scowl at until Jake picked them up. It's like now that it's all gone (now that Jake is gone) he isn't comfortable with all the room Jake isn’t taking up.
He hates being there so much that he ends up spending almost all his time in Billy's dressing room.
They don't talk about why.
He misses Jake every day.
It's why he jumps at the chance to do another event in Florida with the fans. He enjoys spending time with them and would have gone no matter what, but the fact that Jake calls him to say he'll be there is just an added bonus.
They haven't seen each other in a few months, Jake busy auditioning and doing whatever it is that Jake does when he's not with Van, or working, and Van has been working more than normal. He isn't sure he likes where they're heading with Luke but he is willing to give it a chance. (He wants to shake them and scream to give Luke - and Van - back his partner.) Van wants to talk to Jake about his thoughts, the decision he's been contemplating, he's itching to talk with him about nothing and everything.
Billy and Marnie are in the lobby when he gets there. They invite him to the bar whenever he's done and Van runs to the front desk to check in. He asks after Jake, and the front desk clerk is pulling up the information when Van feels warmth at his back and turns to meet clear blue eyes smiling down at him. He drops his bag and hugs Jake before he can think about what he's doing.
"You miss me, Hansis?"
"Shut up," he mumbles into Jake's shoulder and holds on tighter.
-- --
It's not until they're on the beach around a fire that Billy and Cole built that they get a chance to talk. Everyone else decides to roast marshmallows and John pulls out his guitar, strumming it quietly. Van looks over at Jake and like it always is, Jake understands, nods and gets up. Van joins him, grabbing a blanket, and they walk silently. This is what Van missed the most -- the quiet they share.
He stops about half a mile from where they started. He can still see the fire, people milling around and there's a few more than there were before.
"It's getting crowded," Jake comments, reading Van's mind as always. He throws him a grin, opens the blanket with a flourish and lays it down on the sand. He sits quickly, waits until Jake follows suit. Their knees touch, hands brushing against each other as they adjust on the sand. Van's heart is racing when Jake glances at him sideways and smiles slowly at him.
"You got something to say, Hansis?"
Van raises one eyebrow at him.
Jake shrugs. "I don't know. You seem to have something on your mind."
He does but it's not something he can talk about. Not yet. He opens his mouth to ask Jake the question that's been on his mind since the beginning, but he closes it when Jake's phone rings. He pulls it out, his face lighting up slightly and he stands, brings a finger up to ask Van to wait, and steps away a few feet. Van watches him talk for several minutes and his heart falls into his stomach.
Jake comes back over, sliding the phone back into his pocket, and sits on the ground with a loud "oof!" then stares at Van. "Sorry, I didn't mean to stop you from talking. What is it you wanted to say?"
Van shakes his head.
The silence stretches out until it's a palpable wall between them, until Van needs to ask, "Everything okay?" He motions to his ear, mimes a phone, and Jake's jaw tenses but his face stays pleasant. He sends a quick look at Van before returning his eyes to the water.
"It's good. I just forgot to call after the party tonight. Jamie was just checking up."
Van nods, clears his throat. "Jamie? I don't think you told me about --"
"Him. We just met a few weeks ago."
There's a sour taste starting in the back of his throat but Van pushes it down and away. "That's good, Jake. You haven't dated anyone for a while." He can feel Jake's gaze on him and sets his face to hide the uncomfortable ache in his chest. When he meets Jake's eyes, he manages a real smile. "I'm happy that you met someone."
Jake keeps his eyes on Van, whispers a quiet "Thank you," but Van thinks something dims in his stare.
It's better that he doesn't think about it.
-- --
He slams the door closed at the end of the scene (even though it wasn't actually scripted, but it's not out of the realm of possibility for Luke to be that pissed off) and sees Billy's eyebrow twitch upward from where he is standing on the set. The director calls out "Cut!" and Van walks (some might call it a stalk) to the other end of the studio. He doesn't speak to anyone but waves and nods, tries to smile if someone greets him, but doesn't for any reason actually stop.
The mood he's been in for two weeks is sending people scurrying the other way. He doesn't want to bring that to work, though. The crew and his friends don't deserve that, so he tries to funnel it all into his performances. It's a good thing Luke is basically a mess of anger and hurt, because Van can't imagine what he'd be doing without that outlet.
He walks down the hall and veers left, away from his dressing room and ending up in front of Billy’s door. Leaning against the opposite wall, he studies the carpet under his feet until he hears the sound of muffled footsteps. Van glances up to see Billy give him a nod before opening his door, leaving it ajar for Van to follow. He closes it quietly then flops on Billy's couch, grabbing and skimming through one of the scripts for Sweeps they were handed that morning.
"You think they'll actually let us out of here before three in the morning next week?"
Billy shakes his head. "Doubt it. Ronnie said the effects department has been working overtime, so you know it'll take forever."
He fishes out a shirt, changes fast, and then turns to glare at Van.
"It's time, Van."
He blinks up at Billy. "For dinner? To take over the universe?"
Billy's mouth twitches but he makes his face stern. "No. To admit that you miss Jake and are probably a little more than in love with him and that not saying that or doing something about it is driving you to be an asshole."
Van focuses on the part of that statement that he can afford to. "I am not being an asshole. I've been trying to not... do that."
Billy gives him a look. "Yeah, well, you’re failing. Try harder." He takes a seat next to Van, pushing his feet off the cushion, and settles back against his seat. "Van, you know I love you, man. And I'm not telling you what to do."
"I love Tyler, Billy."
His friend shrugs and meets his eyes, gaze steady. "I'm not saying you don't, but -- are you happy? That's all I'm asking you to think about. Because, just so you know, you haven't been the best with him lately either."
Van narrows his eyes. "What's that mean?"
Billy throws his hands up, shaking his head, and bites his lip. "That you feel guilty about whatever it is you have or feel for Jake and it's bleeding over, dude." Billy leans closer, touches Van's shoulder. "I like or love everyone in this whole situation, Van. I just think -- you need to figure out what you want."
He closes his eyes and nods. He can't really argue with what Billy is saying.
"Easier said than done."
-- --
It's not that Van doesn't know that he's being unreasonable.
It's that if he actually takes the time to talk to Tyler, he might say something that will hurt. That he can't take back.
So they fight. Or don't talk.
Tyler works more and more, which gives Van flashes of the last time -- back when things had fallen apart and it had been Van not understanding what was going on. He feels the bitter curl of his mouth at the memories.
Maybe it was going to happen eventually, because Tyler is patient, but he has limits that Van can test better than anyone else.
They're in the middle of a fight about -- ridiculously enough -- a fucking umbrella, when Tyler goes tense and shuts his mouth with a snap. Van's been itching for this and he trembles with it.
But the rules change suddenly and Tyler looks at him, calm and a little sad. "You have to move past it, Van." He starts to say he doesn't understand (but he does, god, he does) and Tyler stops him. "Don't do that. You know better than to try that with me. I know you, Van." He moves closer until he's standing right in front of Van. He leans his head down and Van breathes in when Tyler finally says "Maybe we can --"
"This is not Friends. Do not say 'take a break.'"
Tyler laughs softly, his breath against his skin, and Van shivers because there's always going to be that between them, a tug of want. He doesn't know what to do. They've been for so long and Van doesn't think he knows how to not be.
Except he sees Jake in his head and that's not true. He knows. He's just scared.
"I don't want to give up."
Tyler sighs and gives in for a hug but it's trembling and unsteady. "Okay. Let's just see how it goes. We take it slow."
Van nods his head against Tyler's shoulder. "Okay."
-- --
He thinks it gets better. They make time for each other, try a movie night and dinner. It's during one of those nights that Tyler says suddenly, "I know it's Jake.”
Van spits out the drink he was sipping, chokes for so long that Tyler makes him stand up and raise his arms. After he's calm enough, he stops and looks at Tyler, croaking out a "What?"
Tyler rolls his eyes. "I have eyes, Van. I see the way he looks at you."
Van really wants to ask how Jake looks at him, but he stops the question.
-- --
2010
His contract comes up and Van quietly decides not to renew. Goutman makes an effort to talk him out of it, but Van doesn't think there's anywhere he can take Luke, not with the way they write him, and it's better to leave on a high note. He gets nominated for an Emmy again and it's enough to get him to agree to stay another six months so they can tie his storyline up.
Goutman gives him the most sincere look that Van has ever seen and says, "I promise to make it worth it, Van."
Surprisingly, Van actually believes him.
Tyler encourages him to start auditions on the West Coast. They even take Van's vacation time and head out there, finding places they like and can see living in. But it feels so foreign to him, too much space, not enough people. He misses the clutter of New York, the noise, walking down the street and getting to see everything and every kind of person. Here they all look the same, both the streets and the people.
They meet up with old friends and have a good time.
Somewhere along the way Van realizes that he needs to make up his mind about what he wants.
Like most things, it's fate that makes it up for him.
-- --
Billy has the strangest look on his face when he walks into the studio his first morning back, a cross between excitement and dread. Van laughs at him. "What's up with you?"
He waves the scripts in his hand at Van. "Have you seen the scripts for next week yet?"
Van's eyebrows rise up. "No. I just got in. Something especially good happen?"
Billy shrugs a little too easily. "You could say that. So, last week's script mentioned someone like five times, I'm not even kidding, and I thought it was nothing. That happens sometimes you know. Except..." He picks up the second set of scripts sitting on the chair next to him, opens the first one to the scene breakdown page and points.
Van's vision swims when he sees the name Noah.
"Fuck me."
Billy nods. "Yes."
-- --
Jake calls him that night. They haven't spoken in nearly six months.
"Hey."
"Hi.”
And it's like no time passed between them and before Van knows it, they've been on the phone an hour. They make plans for lunch and Van feels like he can breathe again.
-- --
"Wait, so, really?"
Jake's eyes are huge and Van starts to laugh at him. He throws a napkin his way but doesn't glance away from Goutman.
"Yes. Really."
Jake looks back down at his script and then grins at him, makes Van's heart skip a beat or three. "About time Noah grew a pair, man."
"I'm pretty sure he always had them, Jake. Otherwise, Luke would not have bothered."
That makes Billy and Marnie laugh from the other side of the table as Jake makes a crude gesture and Van grins and grins.
-- --
Jake is seeing someone.
He hasn't told him yet but he knows through the grapevine that is their mutual friends. Van can tell Jake is waiting to say something, and that -- he doesn't like that. Because it means it's important to him. It’s serious enough that it means something.
Van meets Brooke at dinner. She's gorgeous, and sweet, and lovely, and he hates her so much that he can't even see straight. (He doesn't really because she's a riot and makes him laugh, but he kind of wants to, it would make things so much easier.) They end up staying until closing, Tyler meeting them after his show ends, and they talk and drink.
He can almost forget not to feel that pang in his stomach when Jake puts his arm around Brooke, or the way Tyler is watching him carefully while he talks to Jake about his new job.
Brooke grabs him in a hug at the end of the night. "I'm really glad we met. Jake talks about you all the time. You are just as wonderful as he said."
He gives her a warm grin. "I'm glad we got to meet, too." It's not really a lie because he does like her.
Maybe just not with Jake.
It's a hell of an honest thought to have.
When he glances over Jake is giving Tyler a hug, whispering into his ear, and Tyler nods, smiling gently back before they walk away.
Van is pretty sure he doesn't want to know.
-- --
The hospital scene is difficult to do. Van has to lie in the bed, as still as possible, and it's hard to keep his eyes closed when he can hear the amazing acting going on in the room. Noelle and Billy are fantastic. He wants to get up and give them a standing ovation. If he didn't know that Luke was going to be perfectly fine in a few weeks' time, he'd be freaking out over his possible demise.
Then Jake walks into the room and Van can't think through his whole scene. He opens his eyes a fraction to watch him when he knows the camera isn't on him and it's -- he looks wrecked. Van breaks open at the way Jake's face crumbles when Noah confesses that he never stopped loving Luke, that he would love him for the rest of his life and if he left now that he wouldn't make it. Jake gives his all and Van barely resists standing up and doing things he probably shouldn't to him.
He tries not to move as the scene continues with Jon and Jake. When they finally cut, Van sits up and takes a shaky breath. Looking up, he catches the back of Jake going through the set and out into the hall towards their dressing room. He waits until he talks to Bill about his upcoming scene and how they want to play it. They break for dinner and he goes to find Jake.
He's sitting on their couch in their dressing room (It feels right to think that and he knows, understands what it means) and Van takes a seat next to him, waits for whatever Jake might need to say.
The sigh he gives breaks Van's heart. He glances at him, blue eyes a little misty and rolls his eyes at himself. "I know how it works but I couldn't get it out of my head that it was you on that bed."
Van doesn't know how to respond except to pull Jake in and hold him until he stops shaking or they call them back to set.
Whatever might come first.
-- --
Tyler skims his lips over Van's forehead, kisses him there. "It's the right decision."
Van grips him tighter and nods against Tyler's shoulder. "I know."
When Tyler kisses him slow and sweet, Van closes his eyes and hums a quiet response.
-- --
The last scene he ever films as Luke is opening the door to his apartment and finding Noah inside. It's a lovely way to end their run. They've filmed the full reunion a few days ago, closed set, and the actual ensemble scenes with their goodbye party had taken all morning and part of the afternoon, but it's this one scene that manages to get to Van. The look on Jake's face as Noah tells Luke he's not leaving him again. Jake's favorite scene of all the ones they were set to do that week.
They finish and yell "cut" and the crew surround Van and Jake with hugs, congratulations and miss yous. Van takes the time to say goodbye to Linda in makeup and Christy in wardrobe. Bob and Phil from the crew hold on tight when they embrace him. He'll see the cast and everyone else at the party later. It's bittersweet and Van begins to have those second thoughts as soon as his feet hit the pavement outside.
But then Jake is standing next to him, one hand clasping his shoulder, and he grabs Van by the arm, drags him into a cab and takes him out for a few drinks and lunch.
-- --
He is really drunk.
The party has been underway for a few hours, everyone laughing and talking and crowding around the small bar in the private room they have to themselves. Van's been sitting in the back for twenty minutes, eyes trained on Jake dancing with Marnie, then Billy, then Marnie again. His hands shake with need, want curls at the base of his spine to be the one that Jake is hanging all over, but the shots that Jon and Kelley had bought him make him too loose to get up from his comfortable chair.
It's probably why he doesn't notice before it's too late.
Jake plops down next to Van in the booth, his head falls back against the seat, and when he turns to look at Van, he gives him a drunken grin. "You hiding away from us?" Jake laughs at the scowl Van sends him. "That doesn't really work on me, Van." He leans closer, sweaty and hot, and Van stops breathing at how beautiful Jake is, how alive and there.
He clears his throat where it feels like his heart is wedged. "I'm not hiding."
Jake snorts, scoots another inch in, and Van closes his eyes when Jake's breath falls against his ear. He shivers despite trying to control it. "Bullshit." He turns his face and Jake is right there, so close his lips are almost a blur. His cock -- half-hard already from having spent the better part of the night watching Jake -- fills and aches, makes him shift away uncomfortably.
Van has a passing thought of running to the bathroom and finding relief before he makes a fool of himself.
Then Jake's cheeks rub against Van's and he lets out a soft moan from the contact. "Jake."
"Hmmm."
Jake is always tactile. It drives Van to distraction at times but it's ten times as bad when he's drunk, because at that point he doesn't care where they are or who can see them. Not that either one of them ever cared. What they are has never been easy to explain. The thing about them is that one of them always knows where the line in the sand is.
Van leans in, touches his forehead to Jake's chin, breathes and then breathes more when Jake's hands find their way through his hair, threading his fingers through the strands and holding tight. He mouths a kiss to the skin there, a lick when Jake lets his head fall back, and that's all he needs.
That's Jake saying yes.
Van scrambles out from the booth and sways a little, but he's a lot more sober now than he was five minutes ago. Jake opens his eyes slowly, looks at him with confusion and want warring in them, but doesn't stop Van as he grabs his wrist and pulls.
There's a back exit and Van finds it easily, hailing a cab at the corner and shoving Jake in. They stare at one another from across the seat when the driver asks for an address.
Van thinks about his empty apartment, but even though this is his decision, he can't go there. That's not -- no. Jake must see that in Van’s eyes, because he gives his address and crosses the seat before Van can blink. Their mouths fuse and Van hears the radio turn up louder. He should feel some sort of embarrassment, but he's pretty sure this isn't even the most shocking thing the cabbie has seen tonight, so he wiggles his finger under Jake's shirt and touches his hot skin. Jake makes this noise in the back of his throat when Van kisses him, it's soft, almost inaudible except for how Van feels it all the way to his toes every single time.
They make soft sucking noises on skin, whimper as they fall apart just to come back together again, and it burns him inside. This is --- he knows this is it. The cab stops and he pushes at Jake gently to get them out and into the apartment, preferably on a flat surface but Van isn't picky at the moment. He throws some cash into the front seat, probably over-tipping by at least ten bucks, and leaps out of the car, pulling Jake into the building.
It takes them ten minutes to reach Jake's door because Van pushes Jake against the wall on every landing and kisses Jake until neither of them can breathe, only letting him go to walk up another flight and then repeating. Jake fumbles with his key a couple times when they reach his door. They fall inside the apartment, hands yanking at shirts and zippers and whatever is between them being skin to skin. Van slams the door shut with his foot then dives back into Jake's mouth, grabbing his head to keep him steady. Jake steps back, mouth red and raw, tries to say something but his eyes fall to Van's lips and he shakes his head, losing the desire to speak.
Jake’s hands can't decide where to go first, but they settle on Van's head and everything slows, pauses for a moment. Jake brings their faces together, gentles Van's kisses and refuses to let him take the lead again. He speaks into Van's mouth. "I want you to know who you're with."
Van's chest flutters with love, stupid and large, and he nods, leaning back an inch, their lips brushing every few seconds, and meets Jake's dark blue gaze. "I know." He'll deal with the morning when it comes, with what he needs to do and whatever he'll have to do so he can keep this, keep Jake. He gives Jake a wry smile. "This might be corny, but I want you. That's it."
Jake stares and then he hits him with that ridiculous slow-burner smile that weakens Van's knees, makes him want to promise anything Jake wants in reaction to it. He doesn't know why in the hell it's taking him so long to lean in to kiss Jake again, and all these thoughts are making him into a girl, which really won't work for him right now, so he pushes up into Jake's mouth, runs his tongue around the seam between upper and lower lip and guides him to the bedroom.
They can go slow later.
Jake grabs Van's waist and shoves until his back hits the mattress, his fingers nimble against Van's zipper, and the sound of clothes rustling fills the air until Jake is naked, long and lean against Van's whole body. He bites back on the moan that burns in his chest when Jake's hands find him, his grip tight and warm. He drags pants and groans from Van, makes him beg for Jake's mouth on him. He catches the glint in Jake's eyes, the large, sloppy grin when Van stops begging and starts demanding.
Jake's mouth is wet and hot and so good that Van shudders all the way from head to toe, already so close to the edge, and shuts his eyes tight to keep from coming apart. He can't let it be over, not yet, not until Jake is inside him. He jerks his hips up into Jake, growls a protest when Jake's hands keep him still, only his tongue and teeth working him, and Van can't hold it back anymore. He tightens one hand into Jake's hair and comes so hard his vision goes white. Jake's tongue laps up what he couldn't swallow and Van pets gently at Jake's head, squirms and whines when he licks his way up until he's flush against Van from shoulders to toes.
Jake’s cock is hard and full against Van's stomach and Van opens his eyes, sees it all there in Jake’s want-blown eyes and he opens his legs, Jake fitting into place and licking his way into Van’s mouth. Van lets him for a moment, whispering when they pull away for a breath, "Fuck me."
Jake whimpers in response, sucks at Van’s lips and moves to the side to dig through his bedside table, pulling out a half-used bottle of lube and a strip of condoms. Van gives them a quick glance then grins up at Jake. "You are ambitious, baby." He stops breathing at the flare of hunger in Jake's eyes, but he's too loose, muscles relaxed after his orgasm, so he lets Jake drag him down the mattress slightly and bends his knees until Jake's finger circles and pushes and --
Van's head falls back as he’s breached and he gasps. "Fuck, yes." He cants his hips up, twitches when his overly sensitive cock brushes against Jake's hair. There's another finger joining the first and he knows Jake is watching his fingers enter Van intently, feels his breath on the skin there, and then there's a wet slide that Van can't handle on top of all the other sensations and he cries out.
Jake's tongue pushes in along with a third finger and Van's hands clench at the sheets, his skin damp with sweat, and he pushes down, wants more. His cock is half-hard and gaining speed as he wraps one hand around it, pulls and hisses at the sensations, still sensitive but too good to make him want to stop. "I can't --- Jake." Jake doesn't seem to hear him, mouth working at Van's hole with complete focus. He sucks one of Van's balls into his mouth, rolls it gently, fingers stretching his hole until Van sees stars, chest heaving with need, aching with every stuttered breath. His brain turns to mush when Jake shoves back inside fast and hard, and Van grabs Jake's hair, yanks until the other man looks up at him, eyes glazed over. Van brings Jake upwards until their faces are inches apart. He licks Jake, tastes himself and groans. "Stop teasing me, damn it, Jake."
Jake smirks, jerks out of Van's hold, and without warning he enters Van in one long, hot slide. Van arches his back, all the air leaving his lungs at once, and Van can't even make a noise when Jake drags his cock over his prostate, slow and steady, pulling almost all the way out before slamming back in again. Van's hands scrabble for purchase on Jake's shoulders, fingertips digging in hard, his legs wrapping around Jake's hips as he holds on. Jake moves faster, getting closer as he loses rhythm and buries his face in Van's neck, sucking a bruise there as Van tries to talk, to tell Jake what he's doing to him, but his voice is gone -- all he can manage is grunts and moans. Jake seems to love that and he brings his head up to watch Van falling apart, focuses on his face as he picks up his speed, fucks him deeper and harder. One hand grips Van's hip, shifts him slightly and everything hits exactly the right place. Van cries out when Jake's cock buries itself all the way in, over and over, until it's just one stretched out moment of pleasure. Jake's mouth finds his, moaned and grunted words falling into Van as one hand wraps around Van's hard, leaking cock, jerking fast and quick. Jake tenses and then he shouts out Van's name, face twisting with painful pleasure. The slide of Jake's hand against his cock and the sight of him falling apart is enough to make Van come, white hot stripes shooting across Jake's stomach and chest.
Jake crushes him, trembles as Van's hands trace a line down his spine. He kisses the sweaty temple he can reach and breathes until his heart stops trying to beat out of his chest.
Van shuts his eyes and lets it wash over him.
-- --
They lie together for hours, hands and mouth exploring places they remember, ones they never got a chance to explore before. Van lets his fingers trace over Jake's face, dips his lips to taste Jake's and smiles when he receives an eager kiss, a sigh, Jake's eyes dark and wanting, and just beyond Van can see his fear.
"I'm not leaving this time."
Jake swallows and looks away. "I have to."
Van stares at him.
"I have to talk with Brooke. It's not right to not tell her."
He doesn't panic because that means -- "You're breaking up with her?"
Jake rolls his eyes. "Yes, dumbass. Of course I am. I never should --" Something seems to occur to him and he pulls away. "Unless --"
Van leans their foreheads together, kisses Jake's nose and shakes his head. "No, I'm not -- I'm choosing us, okay?"
"Are you going --"
Van bites his lip. "He already knows."
Jake's eyes widen.
"Tyler moved to California two weeks ago. We haven't officially, you know, but it's been over a long time. We just didn't know how to let it go." Van rests his forehead in the space between Jake's shoulder and neck. "You make me -- what the fuck, Jake -- I want to spout cheesy fucking poems about your ridiculous eyes, and it's -- I am losing my street cred, babe."
Jake laughs loudly and squeezes Van tighter. It fades after a minute and he rolls his head to look out the window. "It's getting light out."
Van sighs.
"I need to go, but I'll come to your place as soon as I can."
He looks up, smiles at the happiness he can see in Jake's eyes, even if it is tremulous. It's there. "I can wait."
Jake grins and that's all Van needs.
-- --
2011
Jake Silbermann Speaks Out
by Freddie March
From The Advocate December 2011
For the last few months, Jake Silbermann, once known as half of daytime television's first (and possibly most successful) gay couple, is making new headlines with his much talked about film Stuffer, a dark and complex look at how far one person would go to keep safe everything they loved. His name has also appeared in tabloids thanks to candid images of him and his once upon a time co-star turned boyfriend (the term Silbermann prefers), Van Hansis, on a recent vacation. The two have been together for a year but managed to keep it out of the public eye. Jake talks for the first time about his new movie, his new love, and how it is sharing an apartment with two cats.
Your new movie is getting a lot of buzz around the film festival circuit. Is this something you were expecting when you first wrote it?
Oh, god, no. Not at all. I wrote the short in my downtime between leaving ATWT and returning for the final Luke and Noah storyline. That was about a year. I found inspiration and just sat down to write it. Last year I got Nathan involved and my fans came together and helped to fund it, which is probably the second best thing to ever happen to me. Now, it's out there and I couldn't be happier.
Your cast is great.
Danielle is fantastic isn't she? And Michael is wonderful, too. Nate did a brilliant job with them.
You're a revelation in it, too. Was it hard to prepare for the role?
Thank you, really. I loved Haken. He is the antithesis of everything I am and any character I've ever played. It was a scary process getting into his head but there's a freedom to that.
So what's the best thing ever to happen to you?
(laughs) Really?
Well I think it'll segue nicely into our next set of questions so, yes, really.
Van, of course.
That being said, we've been after you for an interview for a long time. What made you decide to do it finally? You've always been a private person.
(shrugs) I still am. That hasn't changed. But when those pictures of Van and I got plastered in every news rag, we thought it was time to address whatever questions people had. Get it out and over with so everyone could move past it. (smiles) Look, our personal relationship is never going to be a topic either of us will talk about openly. Like you said, I like to keep my life private. Van is twice as adamant about that.
So, basically this is about telling people to shut the hell up and move on already.
(laughs) I wouldn't have said it that way... but yeah.
Okay, then, let's start with the one question everyone seems to want to ask. When did you get together?
About this time last year.
When you had a girlfriend and he was still involved with dancer Tyler Hanes?
(long pause) That's right.
That's honest.
(nods) Why would I lie? Do I wish I'd gone about it a different way? Sure. But we can't change the past. The best you can do is own up to your mistakes and never make them again. Van and I have a complicated history. I've known him a long time. I've loved him longer than that. There's no way I was going to let him go once I got him. Everyone is happy now, including Brooke and Tyler. That's what matters.
Romantic, aren't you? Tell me about your life with Van.
(face lights up) It's amazing! I know I sound corny and he's going to read this article and make fun of me forever, but being in love with your best friend is the greatest thing ever. He knows me better than anyone, you know? But honestly? We're boring. (laughs) No, really. We go grocery shopping every Sunday and do laundry on Saturdays. If we can spend the day at home in our sweats, beached on our couch, that makes us happiest.
The phone interrupts and Jake takes a break to answer it. It's his better half. He speaks quietly into the phone, smiling the entire time, and there's an excited rumble from his corner before he hangs up and rejoins the interview.
How is Van?
Doing great! He just got a part he auditioned for last week.
You really seem happy.
(grins) Absolutely. I love the guy. I even love his two ridiculously spoiled cats. They are the biggest drama queens in the world and rule the house like only two females can.
Any future plans on adopting someday?
We've talked about it!
Seriously?
There's a dog I've had my eye on for a while.
-- --
Van puts the magazine down on the table and leans his head back on the armrest to watch Jake walking in the room, arms full of bags. "Hey, baby."
Jake startles but grins when he sees him. "Hey! I thought you had rehearsals until five."
Van makes his way to the door, grabs one of the bags in Jake’s hands in one of his and pulls Jake in with the other, kissing him long and hard.
"Mark is sick, so we got sent home." He licks Jake's taste from his mouth and leans down to kiss him again. The bag on his arm is getting heavy, but he doesn't really care. Jake grins slowly, one eyebrow raising as he presses his free hand to Van's jaw and traces the stubble over it.
"What's going on?"
Van grins. "You love my stupid cats and we're going to adopt a dog."
Jake rolls his eyes and enters the kitchen, places the bag on the counter then grabs the one Van is carrying. "You read the interview, huh?"
Van hooks his chin over Jake's shoulder. "It was a good interview." Jake does that thing where he blushes, which Van finds both hot and adorable. They are a sickening pair. "I appreciate not mentioning that the girls take after me."
Jake snorts a laugh. "It was implied."
Van bites his shoulder. "I know that, asshole. Sarcasm there." He pauses for a moment, then says, "We should probably get a boy dog, though. Even out the playing field."
Jake continues to unload the groceries and Van can hear the smile in his voice when he states, "You are a ridiculous human being, Evan, and I have no idea why I put up with you."
Van grabs his waist, turns him around and pushes him back against the counter. "Because you love me and I give the best blow jobs ever."
Jake looks up at the ceiling, thinks it over for a moment then nods. "Those are as good reasons as any, I suppose."
Van laughs and kisses him.
Jake kisses him back.
End.