Fic: to this place (to you) - Part Two
Title: to this place (to you)
Author(s): freakykat
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Jake Silbermann/Van Hansis
Summary: I'm conflicted. I inhale now I'm addicted, to this place, to you, babe. We get up, we go down, then we go one more round. I can't stay away.
2.
2007
Jake tries not to fidget in his seat too much, glancing around the room at the other four unfortunate souls waiting for their turn in audition hell. He shakes his head, rolling his eyes at himself and thinks he shouldn't be so ungrateful. It's not often you get a callback and he is actually stoked about this. The part is different -- new for him in every way -- and he already likes the character of Noah more than he probably should from two three page scripts.
He glances down at the note he'd made in the margin of the new audition scene: ask Goutman about background. It seems a little pretentious but -- he wants to know more, especially if he ends up actually getting this part.
"Jake Silverman."
He glances up, smiles kindly at the girl with the clipboard and says with as much charm and patience as he can, "Hi, yeah. That's me. It's Silbermann, actually." He gives her a quick grin as she shakes her head, scratches something out and writes on her paper.
"Sorry about that."
He shrugs as he follows her out of the waiting room and down the long hallway. "Happens all the time."
She glances back and gives him a smirk. "That's got to be annoying."
Jake laughs because honestly it bothers the crap out of him, but you get used to it after a while. He doesn't get to respond or even ask her name before they've reached the end of the hall and she points him to a door. "They're waiting in there. Good luck, Jake Silbermann." She hands him the paper from her clipboard, walking briskly back the way they came.
Taking a deep breath, Jake pushes the door open and notices the long table at the end of the room. Two people sit behind it, one he recognizes -- Mary, the casting director who he auctioned for the first time around. She glances up and gives him a warm smile, waving him over. "Get over here, Silbermann."
He makes his way to the table, glad that Mary is there again. She makes him feel more comfortable dealing with Goutman.
"You nervous, sweetie?"
Jake gives her a wry smile. "Is it that obvious?"
"Not really. I've just been around a long time. I can tell these things. You'll do great," she says as she pats his shoulder.
He takes a moment to assimilate to his surroundings. It's a different part of the studio than last time. Looking over his shoulder, he can make out Chris Goutman talking to someone. They seem to be having an intense conversation so Jake looks away, runs the lines through his head and then stops himself. He doesn't want to limit what he does with Noah to just the words on the page. He needs to be flexible, looser with him.
"Jake."
He turns at his name, smile coming to his face, and then his world stops for one entire second when his eyes make contact with the man standing next to Goutman.
This is not happening. This is not his life.
Van's own eyes go wide, mouth gaping for about two seconds before he glances at Goutman and recovers. Jake's not sure what to do but his legs are moving on their own and he shakes the hand extending at him.
"Mr. Goutman."
"Chris is fine, Jake. Let me introduce you to your scene partner, Van Hansis."
Jake blinks as Van offers his hand and he takes it, the warmth a slow burn on his skin, and he meets Van's eyes. "Van."
"It's nice to meet you, Jake."
He ignores what that does to his chest, the way it constricts with anger he doesn't have any right to, and nods in return. "You, too, Van." He drops his hand before the awkwardness he is sure is radiating off them can get any worse. Goutman is talking about the scene but all Jake can do is concentrate on breathing. He can do this.
The question now is whether he even wants to.
"You ready, Jake?"
He looks up to find Van watching him, gaze steady and familiar.
"I am."
The scene isn't particularly difficult dialogue-wise but the lines are filled with underlying tension and want from both sides. Jake crawls into Noah and starts his line. It's an argument about their friendship that's really an argument about Noah's fear of being who he's supposed to be. He finds he can access the anger easier now than he could when he'd rehearsed it with Annie earlier.
"Why does it bother you so much if I go out with him, Noah? And don't give me that bull about worrying what would happen if I dated a co-worker. You're doing it."
Noah's heart is beating fast- faster than he thinks it ever has before- and he doesn't know why but he doesn't want to think on it so he pushes and pushes until all he can do is yell at Luke to leave him be.
Jake pulls back from the scene, blinks rapidly when he realizes he and Van are standing only a few inches apart. His face is hot, chest hurts and when he meets Van's eyes there's something dark in his eyes that Jake is sure doesn't belong to Luke. He clears his throat and throws Van a dim smile.
"Um, okay. Wow."
He glances over at Mary, his smile feeling more natural this time, and then brings his gaze to Goutman.
"That -- was very impressive."
Van shifts next to Jake. "I -- you were really great, Jake."
The compliment warms him and Jake searches Van's face, sees that it's real, and says, "You're pretty incredible so thanks." He looks away from Van as he sends him a wide grin. "Did you need to see it again?"
Goutman shakes his head. "Not at all. Thanks so much for coming in, Jake. We'll let you know." They shake hands quickly.
Jake turns to Van, holds his hand out and laces their fingers together when Van responds in kind. "It was good -- nice to meet you, Van." He doesn't wait for Van to say anything back. Jake drops their joined hands, lets go, and walks toward the exit.
He can feel Van's eyes on him the whole way.
-- --
"You have got to be shitting me!"
Jake thunks his head against Annie's table, rolling his head from side to side in that position. "The universe hates me. That's all I could come up with."
"Jake."
He bolts up and points a finger at her. "Don't even say that it's not true, Annie. I mean, come on! The first real job I've had that I've been excited about and Van is there. Van." Jake drops his head back down, sighs before looking up, eyes sad, full of things he spent years letting go of. "I almost walked out."
Annie shakes her head, scowls and hits his arm gently. "That's crazy talk. You want this part bad, Jake. It would be stupid to walk away from it because you have to work with an ex."
Jake rolls his eyes. "He is not my ex."
"Fine then. With the guy that you've been in love with for, like, an eternity."
He starts to protest but her pointed look stops him. It's not untrue. He had been in love with Van, even if it seems like an impossible thing to fall in love with someone after meeting them twice but there you go. That's how Jake works. Worked, anyway. It isn't that he's still in love with Van. He isn't. No matter what anyone says.
He thinks it's just the way it played out.
Shaking his head, he meets Annie's curious gaze and shrugs. "It's not like I even have a chance in hell."
"You said the director thought you were great."
"He did but - I just -"
Annie raises one eyebrow. "Because you think Van will say something?"
Jake doesn't think Van would do that. He didn't know a lot about Van (obviously) but he knew that he wasn't a bad guy. At least not on purpose. His phone rings and he picks it up when he sees it's Paul. "Hey, I didn't think we'd hear--"
"Are you sitting down?"
Jake stops, glances over the table at Annie and says, "Yeah."
"They loved you. Apparently they want to bring you on for their summer storyline. It's a steady three month gig, Jake, but it could lead to more."
His mind is blank.
He honestly didn't think this would happen. The idea of working with Van all the time is enough to make his stomach twist. Jake doesn't know if it's good or not.
"Jake?"
Snapping out of his shock, Jake swallows, croaks out his response. "Holy shit."
Paul laughs. "Exactly."
He is vaguely paying attention to Paul and thinks he agrees to meet him for lunch the next day to discuss the contract the show would be sending over. He hangs up the phone and looks up at Annie.
"I got the part."
Annie grins and jumps up from her chair to hug him. "I knew you would." When he doesn't say anything, she pulls back, frowning. "Don't let it ruin your big moment, Jake."
She's right and he knows it.
He lets the news sink in and manages a real smile. He shakes Annie slightly, makes her laugh. "Let's go celebrate!"
Jake will worry about everything else later.
-- --
He walks into the studio the first day armed with resolutions that he'd spent a week going over and over in his mind. The same girl that he'd met at the audition greets him at the reception area. Her name is Joanna and she's there to help him settle, give him a tour and manage to get Jake to relax some. She shows him to an empty dressing room where he ends up picking out Noah's outfit from the clothes hanging on the portable rack. He makes sure that the clothes are relaxed and down to earth.
Joanna takes him to the studio floor and he watches a scene being blocked.
"The way it works is mostly scheduling. We have limited space so we have morning calls and afternoon calls. Rehearsals are usually first, run through the scripts. Most times those are done in the conference room. Though you can always run lines with other actors wherever. Then we have wardrobe and make-up. You come to the floor where we do blocking, it always depends on the director you get however many times they do that. Then we film."
She glances at him and then smiles kindly. He knows his face is slightly panicked. "It's okay, Jake. No one is going to expect this to be completely smooth your first few weeks. Look once you get used to the pacing, it's a cinch. You'll get a few extra takes because you're new but eventually you'll have it down to only needing two or three takes to get it done." She pats his shoulder and leads him out of the room, finishes the rest of the tour and they end up in a room with a long table. A girl with brown hair, warm eyes and a great smile approaches Jake, holds out her hand.
"Hi. I'm Alex. I'll be your beard Maddie."
Jake grins back, he can't help it and takes her hand. "Jake. Nice to meet you, Alex. I'll be your gay boyfriend Noah."
Alex grins wider, nods her head and leads him to the table. "Damn it. I hate it when Van is right."
Jake's heart jumps at the name but he makes sure his face stays neutral. "Yeah?"
"He said I'd like you."
They talk for a few minutes as the room starts to fill in with a couple of more people, one of them being Goutman. Jake gives Alex a surprised look and she shrugs. "He only shows up when it's important. This is important."
He tries not to focus on the fact that he'll be a part of something that is going to change the landscape of daytime, as Goutman had told him when they'd had their meeting to sign Jake's contract. It makes his head want to explode, the pressure making him more nervous. On top of everything, he can't let that psych him out.
The door opens again and Jake's heart jumps to his throat. Van strides in with another girl, tall, pretty, and he's laughing as he turns to look at him. It brings back memories of Van under him, grinning into Jake's shoulder, mouth wrapped around him...
He shakes his head, stands up to face him. "Hi, Van." He's proud of the way his voice doesn't shake and his smile is genuine. His old feelings, the ridiculous broken heart he will never acknowledge aside, he likes Van. Jake can't help it. He shakes the hand Van gives him and then turns to the other person, shaking hers as they are introduced.
"Elena. Good to meet you, Jake."
Van's eyes are roaming his face and Jake tries to ignore the way his skin feels inflamed.
"Okay, everyone." Goutman claps his hands together. "Let's do this."
-- --
He fidgets in his chair, stares at Van's hands across the table from him, fingers clenching on the menu. It makes him feel slightly better to know that he's not the only one that feels nervous. After a few minutes of silence, Van sighs, setting the menu aside and looks directly into Jake's eyes.
"So. How awkward is this."
Jake blinks and then begins to laugh, sees the way Van's shoulders relax as he does.
"Pretty fucking awkward, man."
Van grins back at him.
-- --
It's not that they don't talk about it. It's that they don't have to. Van and Jake are aware of what happened, what it meant and if things had been different...but they weren't.
Jake spent a year dealing with his feelings and now he is fine. He is happy about this. It means he can be friends with Van. They spend a few days a week together filming and in the down time between scenes, they get to know each other. They talk about music (they don't have a lot of the same tastes but Jake likes that Van appreciates music almost as much as he does), movies (they’re on the same wave length mostly), and comics. That's where they bonded the most in the beginning.
Van helps him get used to the filming process, lets him crash in his dressing room until it becomes Van and Jake's room, and they end up eating together whenever Jake is around.
It's not until the day of Jake's first live event that he meets Tyler. He is a little freaked out. Noah hasn't even aired yet and the whole press is yelling Jake's name, asking questions about the story that he can't answer because he doesn't really know what is going to happen. He wears his best suit, meets up with Van at the venue and smiles as they walk down the carpet, flashes everywhere.
There's a moment where he's lost and then Van's hand is at the small of his back, steady and warm, and it makes Jake focus and they manage to get inside without any horrible incidents.
He turns to thank Van and meets his dark gaze, freezes for a moment and something stirs in his stomach. Before he can say a word, there's a tall man walking towards them. His smile is blinding and wide, slight freckles sprinkle his face and he stops next to Van, nudging him with his shoulder.
Jake sees Van's face change, flush and light up, turns to give the man a huge smile.
There's a twinge in Jake's chest but it's barely an ache and it passes so fast that he ignores it, and when Van looks back at him and introduces the man as Tyler, Jake is honestly pleased to meet him.
-- --
Three months turn into six months, as the story of Luke and Noah seems to grab the attention of the world. Their fans are many and amazing and Jake understands because Van is unbelievable in his role, makes Jake feel so much as Noah (and even more as himself) but he doesn't give much credence to his own popularity.
It's actually the first time he and Van argue.
They're on a beach in Florida, laying back on the sand at four o'clock in the morning, drinks resting next to them. Jake has the idle thought that they should probably go back to their hotel rooms before they end up falling asleep. They have to be at the docks for the cruise with the fans in the morning.
"Today was fun."
He thinks it doesn't come out too slurred.
Van's head turns, gives Jake a quick grin. "You're a hit, man."
Jake snorts, rolls his eyes and looks back up at the sky. "I think it's more the fact that they're finally giving Luke something to do. They love you."
Van is silent for a long moment then rolls over, close enough that heat radiates off him and onto Jake's skin. He wants to touch Van and it takes him by surprise. This is not the time to feel that way. In two days, he has to kiss Van -- no, Noah has to kiss Luke for the first time and he can't afford to let it get to him.
He focuses on what Van is saying.
"-- but you need to know that you're talented, Jake. You give Noah a lot that isn't there in the writing. The fans get that so I don't understand why you don't."
Jake shrugs. "I just -- I'm not saying I suck, Van. I know I can act. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't. What I'm saying is that it's more them loving you so much that it bleeds over to me."
Van makes a frustrated noise and sits up. "That is just the dumbest thing you've ever said, Silbermann. And you prefer Batman to Spiderman." He grabs Jake around the wrist and drags him closer. "Stop being so fucking humble. You are great."
Jake keeps his eyes on Van's hand and then nods. "Okay, fine, man. I. am. awesome. Best actor on the show. You all are plebs in compar-" Van shoves him hard and Jake starts laughing.
"You're a shit."
When he stops laughing, Van is lying on his stomach, head turned to watch him, and it takes some of the breath out of him. The moment stretches out and he can't look away. His eyes flick down to Van's mouth and he wants to taste him so much it's an ache in his bones. Van's breathing changes and he stills in a way Jake never sees.
His phone rings and Jake gets up fast, digs in his pocket and seeing Alex's name, he thanks her silently.
"I think we're being looked for."
Van takes a moment before he nods. "Yeah. Let's go."
-- --
The kiss is nerve-wracking. He can't wrap his mind around the fact that he's getting paid to do this.
Closed set, only a few crew members hanging around, Goutman and Van.
They rehearse but don't actually go past the last line until the film starts rolling. They need it to be as real as possible. This is important.
He shifts into Noah's skin and then it's just want and need and something like love growing and rolling over him. Noah's mind racing with thoughts of what this can't mean and does mean and what he has to do to stop it. His mouth finds Van's - Luke's -- and it all rushes out of his mind. He doesn't hear the cut until Goutman has said it for the third time. The crew laughs when he pulls back and Van can't look at him, so it's not a lie when he tears the scene apart with denial and fear and restraint.
Those are all churning inside him.
-- --
"So are we ever going to get to meet this Van, honey?"
Jake pauses with his fork to his mouth and meets his mother's knowing glance, amused and loving all at the same time. "Um. He's just -- we're not really that --" He was going to lie, pretend that he and Van are co-working friends, but that's so far from the truth. They go out to eat, meet at each other's apartment, double dated when he and Alex tried to turn their close friendship into something more (and Jake is aware he might have been projecting at that point), there's even a bi-weekly night of movies with Tyler and Elena. He might tell Van pretty much everything that's going through his mind. He likes his boyfriend (and feels increasingly guilty about the fact that he once slept with Van and you know, apparently, wouldn't mind doing it again).
"Maybe. I mean, he has a life so you know." He laughs almost bitterly because Van does. He has someone who he loves and loves him, a job, friends, and Jake is still stuck in a past that he should have gotten over (that he had gotten past) but can't seem to steer his way anywhere but into Van's wake.
"Is he your boyfriend?" Dylan asks because he's a little shit stirrer and Jake glares at him, sees him grin over at Jesse who is laughing behind his hand.
"No. He's just - we're friends."
He ignores the way everyone seems to stare at him before finding their dinner incredibly interesting.
-- --
The paralysis storyline gets to him.
Van is amazing and Jake brings his A-game every day, makes Noah open up as he reads between the lines of the words they give the character. After one particularly rough day where they fight and Jake can't find his footing, he enter their dressing room and when Van turns to smile at him, Jake can't help but haul him into a hug, tuck his face in Van's neck and breathe.
Van hesitates only for one second and then Jake feels his arms wrapping around him.
They stay that way until one of the PAs knocks on their door.
-- --
"Take a seat, guys."
Jake glances at Van and grins at him quickly.
"I wanted to talk to both of you before break so you'd be prepared for what's going to happen when you get back to filming in a few weeks."
It's the last day of production before they take off for the holidays and they'd just finished filming their New Year's Eve episode. Jake is excited for all the holiday episodes, to be honest. It's some of the most fun he's had with Noah since he began. He and Van had a ball with the costumed episode, especially.
Gary, their interim producer during the strike hands them each a script, waves at them to start reading them. Jake flips the pages, skimming as he goes and freezes when he gets to the third scene, looking first at Gary then at Van who has the same look on his face as Jake is sure he does.
"You're really sure they are ready for this?" Van asks quietly.
Jake watches Gary shake his head. "No. But I think we are and the characters are. We'll figure out what to do otherwise." He looks them both in the eye and grins. "And maybe we'll rile some things up."
Van smiles but the look he gives Jake makes a shiver roll down his spine.
-- --
He spends Hanukkah with his family, stays in and plays games with the twins who are in town, helps his sister and avoids talking with his big brother. His mother manages to corral him in the kitchen New Year's Eve, sits him at the table and stares at him until Jake sighs.
"I don't know what to do, Mom."
She nods, squeezes his fingers. "I know. Love does that to you."
He leans his head on the table and lets her run her hand through his hair.
-- --
Tyler invites him to a New Year's Eve party. It's at a bar in SoHo and Jake talks Annie into coming with him. They run into Alex and Marnie as they enter and are led to a private room in the back. Jake's eyes find Van almost immediately and he breathes through the punch of want in his stomach. It's getting worse and worse to be around him.
He catches sight of Tyler and the want turns into guilt when he spots Jake near the door, throwing him a huge smile and waving him over.
"Jake."
He gives Jake a solid, encompassing hug and then turns him over to the bartender.
Annie takes one look at him and orders two shots for each of them. "I think you're gonna need it."
Jake doesn't even laugh at that.
He goes drink for drink with Annie, which is a feat because she can drink him under the table on a normal night, but Jake is determined not to remember the night. He sits in a booth towards the back, watches Van and Tyler dance together. Van keeps glancing around the room and Jake knows he's being sought out but he can't bear to talk to Van. Not just yet. Not while he can still remember the last New Year's they had.
It's not until later when he's on the dance floor, sweaty and relaxed, that he thinks it's a bad idea to have waited so long. Van manages to find him there, face solemn when he stands in front of Jake. "You've been avoiding me."
If he was sober, he'd make a joke, tell Van he was paranoid then change the subject and make Van forget all about the fact that Jake really is trying to stay away from him. "And yet here you are." It comes out before he can stop himself and Van's mouth drops open for a second before it snaps closed, tight line, and he grabs Jake's arm, steers him away from the crowd and into the back, inside what Jake assumes is a closet.
There's an irony in that he's sure.
"Okay, what the fuck, Jake?"
Jake runs a hand through his hair, sways slightly and squints at Van in the dim room. He looks less than sober too and that combination isn't going to end with anything good. Van stands in front of him, arms crossed, and his face is a torrent of anger and something that Jake refuses to identify because there's a guy standing outside the door, somewhere in the other room that he thinks of as a friend, that he knows the man in front of him who he's more than a little bit in love with loves deeply, and none of that stops him from closing the gap between them until Van's back hits the wall and then Jake presses his mouth against Van's.
He pushes his way inside Van's warmth and he doesn't think about the fact that Van is frozen in place, isn't responding but then he feels hands clutching on his shoulders and he lets out a muffled groan, leans flush against Van, one leg between both of Van's, hands latch onto soft hair and he breathes. He hears a gasp catch in Van's throat as he slides one hand, fumbles to open Van's jeans.
"Ladies and gents, it's almost time for midnight so find your partner and get ready to kiss in the New Year!"
They freeze at the same time and Jake opens his eyes, catches the wide stare of Van's and he jumps away, backs up against the opposite wall.
He couldn't -- he can't think --
Van steps forward but he can't hear whatever he might have to say. Jake opens the door and steps out into the room, runs directly into Annie. His face must be horrible because she takes one look at him and steers him out the door as the minute countdown starts.
He doesn't stop walking until they hit the entrance to the station and Annie grabs his hand, makes him stand still and breathe until the tremors are gone, until he can look at her without wanting to break.
"I think I just fucked up."
Annie nods but waits for him to finish.
"I never fell out of love with him, did I?" He looks at her and when he sees the way her eyes soften he has to find somewhere else to look.
"Oh, Jake. You fucking idiot."
That pretty much sums it up.
-- --
He ignores most of Van's texts and calls for the next twenty-four hours. Jake's hangover keeps him in bed and under the covers. That's the excuse he uses anyway. But once he can choke down food and get up without the world tilting and the room spinning, he decides he needs to bite the bullet and call Van. Jake doesn't know what he'll do about his feelings but he can't lose his best friend. He refuses to so he finds the courage to press Van's number and waits, tapping a finger on his thigh.
The click on the other end is faster than he expects and he's not ready.
"Jake?" Van sounds tired, maybe even a little mad and Jake can't blame him.
"I'm sorry." Those are the first words out of his mouth that he thinks make any sense at all. Van doesn't respond so he continues. "We don't talk about this, I know that. It's something that happened and we don't -- but it took me --"
"Jake, stop. Please."
He shuts his mouth and breathes.
"I -- I felt the same way, okay? It took me a long time to stop thinking about you."
Jake's mouth goes dry.
"But I --"
"I know." He closes his eyes, swallows back all the words he wants to say. "You're my friend and I don't want to lose you."
Van laughs. "You're my friend and I don't want to either." He can hear some talking in the background, a few different voices, and Jake remembers that Van was leaving town for a few days. "If things were different."
"I know."
They sit on the phone in silence for a long time.
-- --
The set is quiet, the crew for once not making jokes or ribbing each other, and Gary is sitting near their director. He gets up and heads to where Van is standing. They have a quiet conversation and then it's Jake's turn. Gary's smile is reassuring and he pats Jake on the shoulder. "How are you doing?"
He could say he's fine but it's a flat out lie. "I'm terrified." He sees Van mock frown at him and it loosens something in his chest. Jake is glad that things between them are back to normal. He watches as Van picks up his phone and frowns down at it. He shakes off whatever bothers him and turns back with his game face on.
Gary grins at Jake. "If you weren't I'd be worried. It's not a big deal, okay?"
Jake rolls his eyes and snorts. "Right. It's not like this is the first man on man sex scene in daytime television -- oh wait." Van giggles from where he is standing and Jake gives him a "right?" kind of face before looking back at Gary.
"What I mean, smartass, is that it's really technical, okay? You won't even notice what's going on."
Jake is pretty sure he'll notice but he keeps his mouth shut.
It's the worst few hours of his life.
Gary is right about it being very technical. They walk through it several times and Gary quietly tells Jake where to put his hand, how to angle Van's face to the camera, which way to fall so they can get them in the shot, the placement of his feet...over and over and over until it does feel like an automatic, dry scene. Jake doesn't know how it's going to look once they start filming but he guesses awkward might be an understatement.
Then it's starting and he can't think of anything else except how he should be getting into Noah's head. Van looks up at him before the cameras start rolling and winks. Everything else fades away and Jake dives in. He doesn't remember much, knows he hits all the right frames but it's lost because he lets himself fall into Noah and enjoys, takes, loves, breathes until they're done and the crew is clapping and Gary is grinning and Van is looking up at him with heat and want and --
Jake isn't sure he can stop from letting that happen.
-- --
When the news comes down the wire that Jake is being let go, the first person he finds is Van. He's sitting cross-legged on the couch in their -- well now it's Van's -- dressing room. He doesn't look up when Jake enters the room, closes the door and sits next to him. After a few minutes, he leans his head on Jake's shoulder and stays there.
Jake brings his hand to run over Van's head. "We knew this could happen."
Van snorts. "We did not."
He smiles at the stubborn set of Van's shoulder and his growl that really only works on anyone that doesn't really know him well. And sometimes, Jake.
"Van."
He glances up at Jake and makes a face. "Goutman is a jackass."
Jake laughs. "I won't disagree with that." He smooths Van's hair back, pulls away slightly to look down at his face. "I'm just happy that you got your Emmy before I got kicked off the show and couldn't be there for it." He glances at the award that sits on the book shelf in Van's dressing room.
"You should have gotten one too."
Jake shrugs. He loved his time on the show, learned so much from everyone and he'll miss the crap out of Noah but he thinks he's ready to move on. To find something where he can stretch his wings a little more. What he knows he won't be able to really deal with is not being near Van all the time but at the same time Jake is relieved.
The distance will help them. They need it to keep what they have and Jake needs it for his sanity. He knows that if given a chance, he'll do something that Van will regret and he can't handle that.
"We're being ridiculous. Come on." He pulls Van up and steers him to the door. "I'm not going to be gone for a while so let's not get overly dramatic and maudlin yet. Hell, let's not do that at all."
Van stares at him and starts to say something but Jake won't let him.
"You can buy me lunch since you still have a job and all."
His chest tightens at the laugh Van gives and he leads them out the door.
They'll be fine.
|Part Three|
Author(s): freakykat
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Jake Silbermann/Van Hansis
Summary: I'm conflicted. I inhale now I'm addicted, to this place, to you, babe. We get up, we go down, then we go one more round. I can't stay away.
2.
2007
Jake tries not to fidget in his seat too much, glancing around the room at the other four unfortunate souls waiting for their turn in audition hell. He shakes his head, rolling his eyes at himself and thinks he shouldn't be so ungrateful. It's not often you get a callback and he is actually stoked about this. The part is different -- new for him in every way -- and he already likes the character of Noah more than he probably should from two three page scripts.
He glances down at the note he'd made in the margin of the new audition scene: ask Goutman about background. It seems a little pretentious but -- he wants to know more, especially if he ends up actually getting this part.
"Jake Silverman."
He glances up, smiles kindly at the girl with the clipboard and says with as much charm and patience as he can, "Hi, yeah. That's me. It's Silbermann, actually." He gives her a quick grin as she shakes her head, scratches something out and writes on her paper.
"Sorry about that."
He shrugs as he follows her out of the waiting room and down the long hallway. "Happens all the time."
She glances back and gives him a smirk. "That's got to be annoying."
Jake laughs because honestly it bothers the crap out of him, but you get used to it after a while. He doesn't get to respond or even ask her name before they've reached the end of the hall and she points him to a door. "They're waiting in there. Good luck, Jake Silbermann." She hands him the paper from her clipboard, walking briskly back the way they came.
Taking a deep breath, Jake pushes the door open and notices the long table at the end of the room. Two people sit behind it, one he recognizes -- Mary, the casting director who he auctioned for the first time around. She glances up and gives him a warm smile, waving him over. "Get over here, Silbermann."
He makes his way to the table, glad that Mary is there again. She makes him feel more comfortable dealing with Goutman.
"You nervous, sweetie?"
Jake gives her a wry smile. "Is it that obvious?"
"Not really. I've just been around a long time. I can tell these things. You'll do great," she says as she pats his shoulder.
He takes a moment to assimilate to his surroundings. It's a different part of the studio than last time. Looking over his shoulder, he can make out Chris Goutman talking to someone. They seem to be having an intense conversation so Jake looks away, runs the lines through his head and then stops himself. He doesn't want to limit what he does with Noah to just the words on the page. He needs to be flexible, looser with him.
"Jake."
He turns at his name, smile coming to his face, and then his world stops for one entire second when his eyes make contact with the man standing next to Goutman.
This is not happening. This is not his life.
Van's own eyes go wide, mouth gaping for about two seconds before he glances at Goutman and recovers. Jake's not sure what to do but his legs are moving on their own and he shakes the hand extending at him.
"Mr. Goutman."
"Chris is fine, Jake. Let me introduce you to your scene partner, Van Hansis."
Jake blinks as Van offers his hand and he takes it, the warmth a slow burn on his skin, and he meets Van's eyes. "Van."
"It's nice to meet you, Jake."
He ignores what that does to his chest, the way it constricts with anger he doesn't have any right to, and nods in return. "You, too, Van." He drops his hand before the awkwardness he is sure is radiating off them can get any worse. Goutman is talking about the scene but all Jake can do is concentrate on breathing. He can do this.
The question now is whether he even wants to.
"You ready, Jake?"
He looks up to find Van watching him, gaze steady and familiar.
"I am."
The scene isn't particularly difficult dialogue-wise but the lines are filled with underlying tension and want from both sides. Jake crawls into Noah and starts his line. It's an argument about their friendship that's really an argument about Noah's fear of being who he's supposed to be. He finds he can access the anger easier now than he could when he'd rehearsed it with Annie earlier.
"Why does it bother you so much if I go out with him, Noah? And don't give me that bull about worrying what would happen if I dated a co-worker. You're doing it."
Noah's heart is beating fast- faster than he thinks it ever has before- and he doesn't know why but he doesn't want to think on it so he pushes and pushes until all he can do is yell at Luke to leave him be.
Jake pulls back from the scene, blinks rapidly when he realizes he and Van are standing only a few inches apart. His face is hot, chest hurts and when he meets Van's eyes there's something dark in his eyes that Jake is sure doesn't belong to Luke. He clears his throat and throws Van a dim smile.
"Um, okay. Wow."
He glances over at Mary, his smile feeling more natural this time, and then brings his gaze to Goutman.
"That -- was very impressive."
Van shifts next to Jake. "I -- you were really great, Jake."
The compliment warms him and Jake searches Van's face, sees that it's real, and says, "You're pretty incredible so thanks." He looks away from Van as he sends him a wide grin. "Did you need to see it again?"
Goutman shakes his head. "Not at all. Thanks so much for coming in, Jake. We'll let you know." They shake hands quickly.
Jake turns to Van, holds his hand out and laces their fingers together when Van responds in kind. "It was good -- nice to meet you, Van." He doesn't wait for Van to say anything back. Jake drops their joined hands, lets go, and walks toward the exit.
He can feel Van's eyes on him the whole way.
-- --
"You have got to be shitting me!"
Jake thunks his head against Annie's table, rolling his head from side to side in that position. "The universe hates me. That's all I could come up with."
"Jake."
He bolts up and points a finger at her. "Don't even say that it's not true, Annie. I mean, come on! The first real job I've had that I've been excited about and Van is there. Van." Jake drops his head back down, sighs before looking up, eyes sad, full of things he spent years letting go of. "I almost walked out."
Annie shakes her head, scowls and hits his arm gently. "That's crazy talk. You want this part bad, Jake. It would be stupid to walk away from it because you have to work with an ex."
Jake rolls his eyes. "He is not my ex."
"Fine then. With the guy that you've been in love with for, like, an eternity."
He starts to protest but her pointed look stops him. It's not untrue. He had been in love with Van, even if it seems like an impossible thing to fall in love with someone after meeting them twice but there you go. That's how Jake works. Worked, anyway. It isn't that he's still in love with Van. He isn't. No matter what anyone says.
He thinks it's just the way it played out.
Shaking his head, he meets Annie's curious gaze and shrugs. "It's not like I even have a chance in hell."
"You said the director thought you were great."
"He did but - I just -"
Annie raises one eyebrow. "Because you think Van will say something?"
Jake doesn't think Van would do that. He didn't know a lot about Van (obviously) but he knew that he wasn't a bad guy. At least not on purpose. His phone rings and he picks it up when he sees it's Paul. "Hey, I didn't think we'd hear--"
"Are you sitting down?"
Jake stops, glances over the table at Annie and says, "Yeah."
"They loved you. Apparently they want to bring you on for their summer storyline. It's a steady three month gig, Jake, but it could lead to more."
His mind is blank.
He honestly didn't think this would happen. The idea of working with Van all the time is enough to make his stomach twist. Jake doesn't know if it's good or not.
"Jake?"
Snapping out of his shock, Jake swallows, croaks out his response. "Holy shit."
Paul laughs. "Exactly."
He is vaguely paying attention to Paul and thinks he agrees to meet him for lunch the next day to discuss the contract the show would be sending over. He hangs up the phone and looks up at Annie.
"I got the part."
Annie grins and jumps up from her chair to hug him. "I knew you would." When he doesn't say anything, she pulls back, frowning. "Don't let it ruin your big moment, Jake."
She's right and he knows it.
He lets the news sink in and manages a real smile. He shakes Annie slightly, makes her laugh. "Let's go celebrate!"
Jake will worry about everything else later.
-- --
He walks into the studio the first day armed with resolutions that he'd spent a week going over and over in his mind. The same girl that he'd met at the audition greets him at the reception area. Her name is Joanna and she's there to help him settle, give him a tour and manage to get Jake to relax some. She shows him to an empty dressing room where he ends up picking out Noah's outfit from the clothes hanging on the portable rack. He makes sure that the clothes are relaxed and down to earth.
Joanna takes him to the studio floor and he watches a scene being blocked.
"The way it works is mostly scheduling. We have limited space so we have morning calls and afternoon calls. Rehearsals are usually first, run through the scripts. Most times those are done in the conference room. Though you can always run lines with other actors wherever. Then we have wardrobe and make-up. You come to the floor where we do blocking, it always depends on the director you get however many times they do that. Then we film."
She glances at him and then smiles kindly. He knows his face is slightly panicked. "It's okay, Jake. No one is going to expect this to be completely smooth your first few weeks. Look once you get used to the pacing, it's a cinch. You'll get a few extra takes because you're new but eventually you'll have it down to only needing two or three takes to get it done." She pats his shoulder and leads him out of the room, finishes the rest of the tour and they end up in a room with a long table. A girl with brown hair, warm eyes and a great smile approaches Jake, holds out her hand.
"Hi. I'm Alex. I'll be your beard Maddie."
Jake grins back, he can't help it and takes her hand. "Jake. Nice to meet you, Alex. I'll be your gay boyfriend Noah."
Alex grins wider, nods her head and leads him to the table. "Damn it. I hate it when Van is right."
Jake's heart jumps at the name but he makes sure his face stays neutral. "Yeah?"
"He said I'd like you."
They talk for a few minutes as the room starts to fill in with a couple of more people, one of them being Goutman. Jake gives Alex a surprised look and she shrugs. "He only shows up when it's important. This is important."
He tries not to focus on the fact that he'll be a part of something that is going to change the landscape of daytime, as Goutman had told him when they'd had their meeting to sign Jake's contract. It makes his head want to explode, the pressure making him more nervous. On top of everything, he can't let that psych him out.
The door opens again and Jake's heart jumps to his throat. Van strides in with another girl, tall, pretty, and he's laughing as he turns to look at him. It brings back memories of Van under him, grinning into Jake's shoulder, mouth wrapped around him...
He shakes his head, stands up to face him. "Hi, Van." He's proud of the way his voice doesn't shake and his smile is genuine. His old feelings, the ridiculous broken heart he will never acknowledge aside, he likes Van. Jake can't help it. He shakes the hand Van gives him and then turns to the other person, shaking hers as they are introduced.
"Elena. Good to meet you, Jake."
Van's eyes are roaming his face and Jake tries to ignore the way his skin feels inflamed.
"Okay, everyone." Goutman claps his hands together. "Let's do this."
-- --
He fidgets in his chair, stares at Van's hands across the table from him, fingers clenching on the menu. It makes him feel slightly better to know that he's not the only one that feels nervous. After a few minutes of silence, Van sighs, setting the menu aside and looks directly into Jake's eyes.
"So. How awkward is this."
Jake blinks and then begins to laugh, sees the way Van's shoulders relax as he does.
"Pretty fucking awkward, man."
Van grins back at him.
-- --
It's not that they don't talk about it. It's that they don't have to. Van and Jake are aware of what happened, what it meant and if things had been different...but they weren't.
Jake spent a year dealing with his feelings and now he is fine. He is happy about this. It means he can be friends with Van. They spend a few days a week together filming and in the down time between scenes, they get to know each other. They talk about music (they don't have a lot of the same tastes but Jake likes that Van appreciates music almost as much as he does), movies (they’re on the same wave length mostly), and comics. That's where they bonded the most in the beginning.
Van helps him get used to the filming process, lets him crash in his dressing room until it becomes Van and Jake's room, and they end up eating together whenever Jake is around.
It's not until the day of Jake's first live event that he meets Tyler. He is a little freaked out. Noah hasn't even aired yet and the whole press is yelling Jake's name, asking questions about the story that he can't answer because he doesn't really know what is going to happen. He wears his best suit, meets up with Van at the venue and smiles as they walk down the carpet, flashes everywhere.
There's a moment where he's lost and then Van's hand is at the small of his back, steady and warm, and it makes Jake focus and they manage to get inside without any horrible incidents.
He turns to thank Van and meets his dark gaze, freezes for a moment and something stirs in his stomach. Before he can say a word, there's a tall man walking towards them. His smile is blinding and wide, slight freckles sprinkle his face and he stops next to Van, nudging him with his shoulder.
Jake sees Van's face change, flush and light up, turns to give the man a huge smile.
There's a twinge in Jake's chest but it's barely an ache and it passes so fast that he ignores it, and when Van looks back at him and introduces the man as Tyler, Jake is honestly pleased to meet him.
-- --
Three months turn into six months, as the story of Luke and Noah seems to grab the attention of the world. Their fans are many and amazing and Jake understands because Van is unbelievable in his role, makes Jake feel so much as Noah (and even more as himself) but he doesn't give much credence to his own popularity.
It's actually the first time he and Van argue.
They're on a beach in Florida, laying back on the sand at four o'clock in the morning, drinks resting next to them. Jake has the idle thought that they should probably go back to their hotel rooms before they end up falling asleep. They have to be at the docks for the cruise with the fans in the morning.
"Today was fun."
He thinks it doesn't come out too slurred.
Van's head turns, gives Jake a quick grin. "You're a hit, man."
Jake snorts, rolls his eyes and looks back up at the sky. "I think it's more the fact that they're finally giving Luke something to do. They love you."
Van is silent for a long moment then rolls over, close enough that heat radiates off him and onto Jake's skin. He wants to touch Van and it takes him by surprise. This is not the time to feel that way. In two days, he has to kiss Van -- no, Noah has to kiss Luke for the first time and he can't afford to let it get to him.
He focuses on what Van is saying.
"-- but you need to know that you're talented, Jake. You give Noah a lot that isn't there in the writing. The fans get that so I don't understand why you don't."
Jake shrugs. "I just -- I'm not saying I suck, Van. I know I can act. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't. What I'm saying is that it's more them loving you so much that it bleeds over to me."
Van makes a frustrated noise and sits up. "That is just the dumbest thing you've ever said, Silbermann. And you prefer Batman to Spiderman." He grabs Jake around the wrist and drags him closer. "Stop being so fucking humble. You are great."
Jake keeps his eyes on Van's hand and then nods. "Okay, fine, man. I. am. awesome. Best actor on the show. You all are plebs in compar-" Van shoves him hard and Jake starts laughing.
"You're a shit."
When he stops laughing, Van is lying on his stomach, head turned to watch him, and it takes some of the breath out of him. The moment stretches out and he can't look away. His eyes flick down to Van's mouth and he wants to taste him so much it's an ache in his bones. Van's breathing changes and he stills in a way Jake never sees.
His phone rings and Jake gets up fast, digs in his pocket and seeing Alex's name, he thanks her silently.
"I think we're being looked for."
Van takes a moment before he nods. "Yeah. Let's go."
-- --
The kiss is nerve-wracking. He can't wrap his mind around the fact that he's getting paid to do this.
Closed set, only a few crew members hanging around, Goutman and Van.
They rehearse but don't actually go past the last line until the film starts rolling. They need it to be as real as possible. This is important.
He shifts into Noah's skin and then it's just want and need and something like love growing and rolling over him. Noah's mind racing with thoughts of what this can't mean and does mean and what he has to do to stop it. His mouth finds Van's - Luke's -- and it all rushes out of his mind. He doesn't hear the cut until Goutman has said it for the third time. The crew laughs when he pulls back and Van can't look at him, so it's not a lie when he tears the scene apart with denial and fear and restraint.
Those are all churning inside him.
-- --
"So are we ever going to get to meet this Van, honey?"
Jake pauses with his fork to his mouth and meets his mother's knowing glance, amused and loving all at the same time. "Um. He's just -- we're not really that --" He was going to lie, pretend that he and Van are co-working friends, but that's so far from the truth. They go out to eat, meet at each other's apartment, double dated when he and Alex tried to turn their close friendship into something more (and Jake is aware he might have been projecting at that point), there's even a bi-weekly night of movies with Tyler and Elena. He might tell Van pretty much everything that's going through his mind. He likes his boyfriend (and feels increasingly guilty about the fact that he once slept with Van and you know, apparently, wouldn't mind doing it again).
"Maybe. I mean, he has a life so you know." He laughs almost bitterly because Van does. He has someone who he loves and loves him, a job, friends, and Jake is still stuck in a past that he should have gotten over (that he had gotten past) but can't seem to steer his way anywhere but into Van's wake.
"Is he your boyfriend?" Dylan asks because he's a little shit stirrer and Jake glares at him, sees him grin over at Jesse who is laughing behind his hand.
"No. He's just - we're friends."
He ignores the way everyone seems to stare at him before finding their dinner incredibly interesting.
-- --
The paralysis storyline gets to him.
Van is amazing and Jake brings his A-game every day, makes Noah open up as he reads between the lines of the words they give the character. After one particularly rough day where they fight and Jake can't find his footing, he enter their dressing room and when Van turns to smile at him, Jake can't help but haul him into a hug, tuck his face in Van's neck and breathe.
Van hesitates only for one second and then Jake feels his arms wrapping around him.
They stay that way until one of the PAs knocks on their door.
-- --
"Take a seat, guys."
Jake glances at Van and grins at him quickly.
"I wanted to talk to both of you before break so you'd be prepared for what's going to happen when you get back to filming in a few weeks."
It's the last day of production before they take off for the holidays and they'd just finished filming their New Year's Eve episode. Jake is excited for all the holiday episodes, to be honest. It's some of the most fun he's had with Noah since he began. He and Van had a ball with the costumed episode, especially.
Gary, their interim producer during the strike hands them each a script, waves at them to start reading them. Jake flips the pages, skimming as he goes and freezes when he gets to the third scene, looking first at Gary then at Van who has the same look on his face as Jake is sure he does.
"You're really sure they are ready for this?" Van asks quietly.
Jake watches Gary shake his head. "No. But I think we are and the characters are. We'll figure out what to do otherwise." He looks them both in the eye and grins. "And maybe we'll rile some things up."
Van smiles but the look he gives Jake makes a shiver roll down his spine.
-- --
He spends Hanukkah with his family, stays in and plays games with the twins who are in town, helps his sister and avoids talking with his big brother. His mother manages to corral him in the kitchen New Year's Eve, sits him at the table and stares at him until Jake sighs.
"I don't know what to do, Mom."
She nods, squeezes his fingers. "I know. Love does that to you."
He leans his head on the table and lets her run her hand through his hair.
-- --
Tyler invites him to a New Year's Eve party. It's at a bar in SoHo and Jake talks Annie into coming with him. They run into Alex and Marnie as they enter and are led to a private room in the back. Jake's eyes find Van almost immediately and he breathes through the punch of want in his stomach. It's getting worse and worse to be around him.
He catches sight of Tyler and the want turns into guilt when he spots Jake near the door, throwing him a huge smile and waving him over.
"Jake."
He gives Jake a solid, encompassing hug and then turns him over to the bartender.
Annie takes one look at him and orders two shots for each of them. "I think you're gonna need it."
Jake doesn't even laugh at that.
He goes drink for drink with Annie, which is a feat because she can drink him under the table on a normal night, but Jake is determined not to remember the night. He sits in a booth towards the back, watches Van and Tyler dance together. Van keeps glancing around the room and Jake knows he's being sought out but he can't bear to talk to Van. Not just yet. Not while he can still remember the last New Year's they had.
It's not until later when he's on the dance floor, sweaty and relaxed, that he thinks it's a bad idea to have waited so long. Van manages to find him there, face solemn when he stands in front of Jake. "You've been avoiding me."
If he was sober, he'd make a joke, tell Van he was paranoid then change the subject and make Van forget all about the fact that Jake really is trying to stay away from him. "And yet here you are." It comes out before he can stop himself and Van's mouth drops open for a second before it snaps closed, tight line, and he grabs Jake's arm, steers him away from the crowd and into the back, inside what Jake assumes is a closet.
There's an irony in that he's sure.
"Okay, what the fuck, Jake?"
Jake runs a hand through his hair, sways slightly and squints at Van in the dim room. He looks less than sober too and that combination isn't going to end with anything good. Van stands in front of him, arms crossed, and his face is a torrent of anger and something that Jake refuses to identify because there's a guy standing outside the door, somewhere in the other room that he thinks of as a friend, that he knows the man in front of him who he's more than a little bit in love with loves deeply, and none of that stops him from closing the gap between them until Van's back hits the wall and then Jake presses his mouth against Van's.
He pushes his way inside Van's warmth and he doesn't think about the fact that Van is frozen in place, isn't responding but then he feels hands clutching on his shoulders and he lets out a muffled groan, leans flush against Van, one leg between both of Van's, hands latch onto soft hair and he breathes. He hears a gasp catch in Van's throat as he slides one hand, fumbles to open Van's jeans.
"Ladies and gents, it's almost time for midnight so find your partner and get ready to kiss in the New Year!"
They freeze at the same time and Jake opens his eyes, catches the wide stare of Van's and he jumps away, backs up against the opposite wall.
He couldn't -- he can't think --
Van steps forward but he can't hear whatever he might have to say. Jake opens the door and steps out into the room, runs directly into Annie. His face must be horrible because she takes one look at him and steers him out the door as the minute countdown starts.
He doesn't stop walking until they hit the entrance to the station and Annie grabs his hand, makes him stand still and breathe until the tremors are gone, until he can look at her without wanting to break.
"I think I just fucked up."
Annie nods but waits for him to finish.
"I never fell out of love with him, did I?" He looks at her and when he sees the way her eyes soften he has to find somewhere else to look.
"Oh, Jake. You fucking idiot."
That pretty much sums it up.
-- --
He ignores most of Van's texts and calls for the next twenty-four hours. Jake's hangover keeps him in bed and under the covers. That's the excuse he uses anyway. But once he can choke down food and get up without the world tilting and the room spinning, he decides he needs to bite the bullet and call Van. Jake doesn't know what he'll do about his feelings but he can't lose his best friend. He refuses to so he finds the courage to press Van's number and waits, tapping a finger on his thigh.
The click on the other end is faster than he expects and he's not ready.
"Jake?" Van sounds tired, maybe even a little mad and Jake can't blame him.
"I'm sorry." Those are the first words out of his mouth that he thinks make any sense at all. Van doesn't respond so he continues. "We don't talk about this, I know that. It's something that happened and we don't -- but it took me --"
"Jake, stop. Please."
He shuts his mouth and breathes.
"I -- I felt the same way, okay? It took me a long time to stop thinking about you."
Jake's mouth goes dry.
"But I --"
"I know." He closes his eyes, swallows back all the words he wants to say. "You're my friend and I don't want to lose you."
Van laughs. "You're my friend and I don't want to either." He can hear some talking in the background, a few different voices, and Jake remembers that Van was leaving town for a few days. "If things were different."
"I know."
They sit on the phone in silence for a long time.
-- --
The set is quiet, the crew for once not making jokes or ribbing each other, and Gary is sitting near their director. He gets up and heads to where Van is standing. They have a quiet conversation and then it's Jake's turn. Gary's smile is reassuring and he pats Jake on the shoulder. "How are you doing?"
He could say he's fine but it's a flat out lie. "I'm terrified." He sees Van mock frown at him and it loosens something in his chest. Jake is glad that things between them are back to normal. He watches as Van picks up his phone and frowns down at it. He shakes off whatever bothers him and turns back with his game face on.
Gary grins at Jake. "If you weren't I'd be worried. It's not a big deal, okay?"
Jake rolls his eyes and snorts. "Right. It's not like this is the first man on man sex scene in daytime television -- oh wait." Van giggles from where he is standing and Jake gives him a "right?" kind of face before looking back at Gary.
"What I mean, smartass, is that it's really technical, okay? You won't even notice what's going on."
Jake is pretty sure he'll notice but he keeps his mouth shut.
It's the worst few hours of his life.
Gary is right about it being very technical. They walk through it several times and Gary quietly tells Jake where to put his hand, how to angle Van's face to the camera, which way to fall so they can get them in the shot, the placement of his feet...over and over and over until it does feel like an automatic, dry scene. Jake doesn't know how it's going to look once they start filming but he guesses awkward might be an understatement.
Then it's starting and he can't think of anything else except how he should be getting into Noah's head. Van looks up at him before the cameras start rolling and winks. Everything else fades away and Jake dives in. He doesn't remember much, knows he hits all the right frames but it's lost because he lets himself fall into Noah and enjoys, takes, loves, breathes until they're done and the crew is clapping and Gary is grinning and Van is looking up at him with heat and want and --
Jake isn't sure he can stop from letting that happen.
-- --
When the news comes down the wire that Jake is being let go, the first person he finds is Van. He's sitting cross-legged on the couch in their -- well now it's Van's -- dressing room. He doesn't look up when Jake enters the room, closes the door and sits next to him. After a few minutes, he leans his head on Jake's shoulder and stays there.
Jake brings his hand to run over Van's head. "We knew this could happen."
Van snorts. "We did not."
He smiles at the stubborn set of Van's shoulder and his growl that really only works on anyone that doesn't really know him well. And sometimes, Jake.
"Van."
He glances up at Jake and makes a face. "Goutman is a jackass."
Jake laughs. "I won't disagree with that." He smooths Van's hair back, pulls away slightly to look down at his face. "I'm just happy that you got your Emmy before I got kicked off the show and couldn't be there for it." He glances at the award that sits on the book shelf in Van's dressing room.
"You should have gotten one too."
Jake shrugs. He loved his time on the show, learned so much from everyone and he'll miss the crap out of Noah but he thinks he's ready to move on. To find something where he can stretch his wings a little more. What he knows he won't be able to really deal with is not being near Van all the time but at the same time Jake is relieved.
The distance will help them. They need it to keep what they have and Jake needs it for his sanity. He knows that if given a chance, he'll do something that Van will regret and he can't handle that.
"We're being ridiculous. Come on." He pulls Van up and steers him to the door. "I'm not going to be gone for a while so let's not get overly dramatic and maudlin yet. Hell, let's not do that at all."
Van stares at him and starts to say something but Jake won't let him.
"You can buy me lunch since you still have a job and all."
His chest tightens at the laugh Van gives and he leads them out the door.
They'll be fine.
|Part Three|