Some hard thinking
Ill update on stuff than get to the punch....Ethan is finally 3..Hes getting so big and smart..He still has anger problems have to get him tested still and get him into school..I got a job but figured it out was a scam cause i wouldn't get paid for 2-5 months or never...It was a debt collecting job and i was only getting paid on commission so if no one paid their debt than i don't get paid...which is complete bull..but yeah there was other people in the office getting paid hrly and commission..So i quit today..Umm Men are still none in my life met a couple cool people but I'm still not "ready" to be with anyone..I just think i can find someone way better...Actually i just want one person but he kinda doesn't want me or wants me to totally change who i am..Which comes to my hard thinking...Well from all of the above...Who am i or who do i perceive my self to be....Since i was in the womb i was suppose to be a boy.But came out a girl.I was raised to be a boy cause that's what my mother wanted..3 yrs later came my brother but i was still dressed and hair as a boy..I can remember since i was 3 and i only remember having boy friends until i was 5 and met my friend Nicole..But we still only play with boys and did all boy things...Besides the boy thing i also have noticed i was very sheltered...Didn't leave my house a lot or was scared to be around people...when i was three i lived right next to a playground with a very high fence(around the basketball court)But i wouldn't go inside the playground cause i was scared of the people in it or scared of it in general..I can still remember the feeling standing at the fence just watching all the kids playing than i run back to my house...But i know i did gain courage one day to step in there just to scare my older sister...she was sitting in the middle of the basketball court with her friend and my dad had this creepy old man mask that she didn't like...So i grabbed it and walked to the fence looked at her and had the mask behind my back and walked up to her and she asked what i wanted and i turned around and put on the mask she screamed soooo loud crying i was chasing her and her friend...and that's what i remembered...I was also sexual as a kid...like Ive seen some messed up shit as a kid but i remember looking at my dads porn collection...and Ive seen other stuff that i wont discuss on here..but i got in trouble in kindergarten for drawing naked people doing stuff and being on the toilet? don't asking me why a toilet lol..My first kiss was when i was 4 or 5 with my friend Nicole and we would play like torture sex games? I have no clue why but we would....But back to the point...I think that's why I'm just so screwed up now....Ive been threw sooooooooooooooooooooooo much in my whole 23 yrs...Mainly really messed up good or i didn't understand till now...I do want to change myself for the good..i want to get better..I don't want to be or feel this way no more...Don't want to be depressed(which isn't as much as in the past),have anti-social problems(Which i think ill always have...Been sheltered,sheltered myself,and judged and bullied my whole life),have anxiety and social anxiety,be so boyish i actually want to be woman for once and enjoy it,Feel beautiful for once,Not so sexual(along the lines of actually feeling beautiful cause that's the only reason men like me cause I'm a pervert...i actually want be called beautiful and actually believe it)I just want to be comfortable in my skin and feel comfortable with the person i truly am and can be...I just feel like someones judging me even when I'm by myself..that's why i don't dance or try to learn how,sing around people,talk around people,be goofy around people or anything....I always look lost or afraid or angry....I hate meeting new friends physically but i can make friends online all day cause they'll never know who i truly am...A damaged,fragile,cruel,perverted,disgusting,mentally fucked,manly woman....I know i have a twisted little mind..I think that's one of the things i like about myself cause I'm not in the "norm" crowd but everyone i know just thinks I'm totally messed in the head..In some aspects i am and i know i do need therapy..Which Ive done in the past but dint last long...I will not take pills for whats wrong with me...I don't like taking pill even if it'll help me...But i don't believe you have to take a pill to make you "better" in mental stuff but psychically yeah i might take them....That's why when i really don't feel good mentally i write in here or i draw....or if i have anxiety i either wait it threw or smoke cigarettes a lot....But I'm still working out the kinks of my being....Soon enough ill mature a lot and be happy about everything about myself and what Ive done....there's a lot more i could of said but ill cut it short from here.....Thanks for reading even tho no one does lol
Angi
Angi