Conundrum
My mom called me tonight, surprising me with a most gracious gift. She and my dad have apparently agreed to pay the difference so that I can rent out the huge master bedroom (which includes my own bathroom and a walk -closet, neither of which I have ever had before) in our house. It's awesome and very generous, especially considering how tight for money both sets of parents are. I should be happy.
So why did I cry bitterly over it? My roomate Miriam said it's because, as the oldest in a financially tight household, I grew up not asking or expecting anything extra, and sacrificing for my younger siblings. I still do it. Apparently it is difficult for me to accept things from my parents like this.
I have no idea what to do. Part of me, of course, wants to accept it. It is such a nicer room than mine, and so much bigger. I'd have room for my books and rats. And I won't have to share my bathroom with a stranger. But another part of me realises that this is too big - I don't deserve it, and my parents can't afford it. I never asked for it. I'd like it, but I'm not sure that I really want it, because I've never even thought that I could have it. When we moved here I automatically took the smallest room, with no complaint. I like my little room, and though I sometimes wish I had more space, I deal. Gah! Now I'm all mopey, and I can't do anything but think about it, including (especially) sleep, or even read.
I'm reading Mists of Avalon right now and I'm really getting caught up. It's so nice to see the Arthurian tale told by a woman. Apparently it was the Roman Christians who are behind the supression of women. Damn them! :) At least in pagan England. I wonder how my barbarian Germanic ancestors treated their women.