Fic: A Glitch In My Soul [6/7?]
Title: A Glitch In My Soul - Chapter 6 - A Little More Than I Can Give
Author: freakingdork
Pairing: Morgan/Reid
Rating: FRAO
Word Count: 2712
Summary & Disclaimer: see chapter 1
Chapter 6 Warnings: possible consent issues
*****
Chapter 6 - A Little More Than I Can Give
*****
When Derek asks to play a few hands of poker instead of a movie, Spencer is surprised but amenable. He tries to tell himself that it's to keep things from getting monotonous, but Derek knows what he really wants is to see the kid in action. And even though he's expecting Spencer to be good, Derek thought he'd be able to win at least a few hands. Yet, as each round goes by, it becomes more apparent that Derek underestimated Spencer's skill and that Spencer isn't going to show him any mercy. It's impressive and if a chill runs up Derek's spine every now and again, well, that's his problem.
“At least tell me you were counting cards,” Derek says, walking Spencer to the door at the end of the night.
Spencer shakes his head, a wide grin spreading across his face. “Counting cards is cheating and I like to win, fair and square. You can't say I didn't warn you. Repeatedly.”
“Whatever man. Considering you took all my money, you're paying for the next five dinners.”
Spencer starts to snark back, but without meaning to, Derek ruffles Spencer's hair. They both freeze, thrown off by the casual touch. A little strand of hair hangs in Spencer's face and when Derek reaches out and pushes it behind his ear, Spencer's breath hitches. Even as the color rises on Spencer’s cheekbones, he looks Derek right in the eye, unafraid but questioning.
You should be afraid, Derek thinks.
Before Derek thinks twice about it, his mouth presses against Spencer's and Spencer is kissing him right back. Letting out a low moan, Spencer sweeps his tongue along Derek's lower lip. Derek sighs, his tongue darting out to meet Spencer's, but as he starts to lift his hands to cup Spencer's jaw, everything comes crashing down inside him. He breaks away from the kiss, gently pushing Spencer away.
Spencer stares at him, wide-eyed and finally afraid.
“I'm sorry,” Derek says. “I'm so, so sorry...that was wrong, very wrong...I'm...”
“Shhh,” Spencer interrupts, reaching towards him in what must be an attempt to comfort him; Derek flinches away from it and Spencer pulls back. “Uh, it's ok, we all uh...mess up sometimes? And I definitely shouldn't have kissed you back. That was really not...I shouldn't have...”
“I need you to go.”
“I...” Spencer pauses, apparently thinking something through. “I'll go, but promise me we're okay.”
“Yes just...go. I can't be around you right now, possibly ever. You're just too much temptation Spencer and I can't deal with that.”
Before Spencer turns and walks out of his house, Derek swears Spencer is on the edge of tears.
***
When Spencer stands up in group two days later, Derek braces himself for the very worst. Losing his way is bad enough without it being paraded all over a group session, especially because he's worried they might kick Spencer out of the group as well. After Spencer left the previous night, Derek immediately started looking for a new program, something highly structured and strict. He knew he needed to find a place that would swiftly punish him for stupidly thinking he could just hang out with a guy he was extremely attracted to without straying from the path he'd set for himself. Ice baths and electric shock are in his very immediate future.
“I fell off the wagon last night. Kinda,” Spencer says, his words getting faster as he speaks. “I don't know, he kissed me, so it's not like I meant to? But then I was kissing him back so I'm not entirely blameless.”
The whole group freezes and he hopes Gideon will read it as the tension of a fellow member slipping up. Derek tries his best to not visibly flinch, but in the end, it doesn’t really matter. No one is staring at him; they’re all fixated on Spencer.
“Well, why don't you back up?” Jason asks. “Because I think you need to look at the whole picture as to why it happened or else you'll end up making similar mistakes down the road.”
“I met him at a bookstore,” Spencer begins and Derek slowly lets out the breath he'd been holding in. Spencer continues his lie by saying he didn't know that his friend was gay.
“What made it worse is that yeah, okay, he's definitely physically attractive, but his personality has me hooked and he's become one of my closest friends. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want him. I wanted him so much, I wanted more than I got. I would have let him devour me, even though I know I can't have more.” Spencer sighs. “My biggest problem is that I don't want to let go of that friendship, even though it's tempting me.”
“It sounds like you might have to,” Emily says and Derek wants to crawl under a rock even more. “It's not good to keep sinful influences in your life, especially ones who are attracted to you as well.”
Spencer nods. “I guess that's what I need prayer for this week. I need for you guys to pray that I can let go and let God.”
As they gather around Spencer, he tries to ignore the source of his distress; instead, the pain just becomes that much more intense.
***
Tuesday night, Spencer doesn't show up at Derek's for their usual dinner and he doesn't call or text. Derek knows it's for the best and that Spencer's only doing what he had asked of him.
But it still hurts and Derek wishes he could convince himself that it doesn't.
***
The next group session, Spencer is quiet, sullen; even Elle talks more than Spencer, which is quite an impressive feat.
Derek makes mention of feeling like everything is harder, more so than usual, but refuses to share more. Jason is clearly displeased by his withholding and Derek finds that he doesn't particularly care. It feels like everyone is eyeing him with suspicion instead of support - hell, he’d rather have their sympathy if they all think they know.
The knot in his stomach grows as the group prays for him to overcome his struggles.
Because maybe if he truly believed in God, he’d actually believe that his attractions were a temptation from Satan and maybe if he believed that, therapy would actually work.
'Lead us not into temptation,' he prays silently, knowing just how useless it is.
***
“You're the one who kissed Spencer,” Jason states on Friday, steady and sure at their individual session.
Derek doesn't deny it, just looks away.
“You lied to the group. You lied to me,” Jason says in restrained rage before adding, “You know, Spencer didn't lie."
That gets his attention. “What?”
“He told me three weeks into his treatment that he was attracted to you. I asked if it was going to be a problem and he said it wouldn't. So...you were the one to kiss him.”
It isn't even a real question and he can’t tell if it’s true or not, but Derek hears the implications behind it. “Yes, of course.”
“Then I assume you understand what has to happen.”
Derek nods. “I've already started looking for a new program.”
***
When Spencer opens the door to his apartment, Derek pushes inside, kissing Spencer passionately and kicking the door closed behind them.
“I know I shouldn't ask you for this, I'm sorry,” he whispers against Spencer's lips, “but please, I need it. I need you.”
Spencer's breath hitches. “Me too, but I...are you sure? Because I can't...not if you're not completely sure.”
Instead of answering, Derek pulls him back into a hungry kiss. He can feel when Spencer gives in, melting against him and kissing back as if he's been craving just this. Derek doesn't really want to consider the ramifications of what they’re doing. The last thing he wants right now are words and thinking and he really hopes Spencer can understand that.
After untucking Spencer's button up, he reaches behind, splaying his hands across Spencer's smooth back and Spencer shudders under his touch. It scares Derek a little because for a second he wonders if Spencer's changed his mind, but Spencer doesn't pull back and then he moans into Derek's mouth, so it must be alright.
Derek stops the kiss himself, but only to pull his t-shirt up and off before licking his way back into Spencer's mouth. Spencer's hands glide down along his abs until they're resting right at the edge of his jeans. Maybe it's a question, maybe not, but Derek breaks the kiss to whisper, "Bedroom?"
It’s not quite an answer, but the question wasn’t quite asked either. It’s just that, in this moment, what he needs to know is that Spencer understands what they’re doing and that Spencer wants Derek enough that he’ll be okay dealing with the regret that’s sure to come.
With only the slightest hint of hesitation, Spencer tucks his fingers into Derek's waistband and pulls him farther into the apartment. Derek bites at Spencer's lips and plucks at the buttons of his shirt as best he can so that when they finally manage to make it into the bedroom, he's able to push it right off Spencer's skinny shoulders.
Spencer keeps pulling until he's right at the edge of the bed and breaks away to sit, leaving him staring right at where Derek's jeans are tented, looking intent but perhaps a little unsure. Derek unbuttons his jeans and shimmies out of them and as well as his boxers. Before Spencer can reach for him, he gets on the bed, moving until he's sitting against the pillows, hoping Spencer will join him. A sigh of relief escapes him when Spencer takes off the rest of his clothes as well and crawls up the bed, draping himself over Derek. It reminds him of his dream from a few weeks back and he shivers at the thought of being inside Spencer. It won't happen, there's not enough time for that, not to mention the high probability that Spencer lacks the necessary items, but he grasps Spencer's hips like in the dream anyway, pulling their groins together. They both moan at the contact and Spencer grinds down, adding to the pleasure.
One of Derek's hands comes up and tangles in Spencer's hair, pulling him down for another kiss. It's different this time - soft and sweet and far less desperate - and it's exactly what he needs. He's not sure how Spencer manages to know that and it almost seems like they were made for this. The thought throws him off for a moment, but he knows he can't fully deny that what they've got is a good thing.
Spencer's mouth moves down Derek's jaw to his neck and Spencer's breathy grunts and gasps being so close to his ear spur him on. He grabs Spencer's ass and picks up the pace of their hips, desire twisting in his gut over the seductive little whine it forces out of Spencer's lips.
"Touch me," Spencer whispers. "Please."
It's a request Derek rushes to indulge, reaching between them and wrapping his hand around both of their erections. Spencer bucks hard into the touch, obviously close to the edge; he's already shaking with need and when Derek's knuckles brush against Spencer's stomach, the muscles are pulled deliciously tight. It's hard to take his eyes off where his hand is, but the short glance at Spencer's face leaves him shuddering. Spencer is so open and vulnerable that it's more than he can handle; he stays focused on Spencer's cock.
Which is probably for the best because Spencer comes soon after, writhing desperately in his lap.
Spencer is still practically panting as he starts licking his way down Derek's body. The teasing licks to his stomach eventually become long, slow licks to his cock and balls and Derek spreads his legs wider, giving Spencer more room to settle between his legs. It's a longer tease than he generally prefers, but it's Spencer and somehow, that makes it okay.
When Spencer's mouth finally wraps around his erection, Derek fully sinks into the pleasure he feels. His hand sweeps through Spencer's hair, lightly cradling his skull, and Spencer sucks harder, tonguing at the slit. Gritting his teeth, Derek starts to thrust up into Spencer's mouth; it's all too much and not quite enough until Derek looks down sees Spencer staring back up at him.
That vulnerable look is still there and this time, instead of looking away, his eyes lock on. He loses himself in it, his orgasm overcoming any lingering guilt.
As he comes down, small, worshiping kisses cover Derek's jaw. Basking in the afterglow and the satisfaction of feeling complete is short lived though. Fear and pain come back in a flash and Derek tries to pull away from Spencer's grasp, now feeling far too claustrophobic to be held.
"No, let me go Spencer," Derek says, his voice sounding way too high for his taste. Spencer releases him and he starts scrambling around the room, looking for his clothes and desperately pulling them back on. "I have to...go. Oh God, please forgive me."
"It's okay Derek."
“I wasn't talking to you!” Derek shouts. “This was wrong Spencer...I messed up again, don't you get that? Not only did I put my own salvation at risk, but I took you down with me.”
When Spencer doesn't answer, Derek looks up from his search. It's apparently the prompt that Spencer needs.
"You don't need to worry about my salvation," Spencer bitterly spits out. “And I don't believe you're actually worried about yours anyway.”
Derek feels like all the air has left the room. "What does that even mean?"
“I don't think there's anything wrong with what we just did. I never thought there was!” Spencer shouts before shaking his head and reining his feelings back in. “I never wanted to 'heal' my sexuality. I'm not even Christian, okay?”
“All this time, you were...lying?” Derek is completely dumbfounded; his own faith might be a little shaky, but why would someone lie about it if they weren't looking for help with their sexuality?
“I...yes,” Spencer admits. There's a calmness in his admission that makes Derek feel ill.
“Why? Were we all some kind of joke to you? Look at the silly Christians, trying to make themselves right with God?” he asks, but he doesn't wait for an answer, just turns and walks away.
Spencer calls out, “That's not it! Please, just let me explain.”
Derek shakes his head and keeps walking. He's nearly out of the apartment before it dawns on him; even though he'd only ever been here to pick Spencer up, he feels stupid for not picking up on it sooner. “Why are all your walls so bare? And there's hardly any furniture. It's...an artificial dwelling for an artificial life, just like my undercover crashpad a couple years back.” He turns back to Spencer, who has thankfully put his boxers back on. “What the fuck is going on?”
Spencer takes a deep breath, but it leaves him like a shudder. “I'm an investigative writer.”
“You're...what?”
“I'm writing a book on ex-gay therapy and the people who seek it out.”
Derek stands there for a moment without the slightest clue of what to say until it dawns on him. The mere thought of it makes it difficult to breathe. “And all the things I told you, they're just going to be out there for anyone to read?”
“That's not how it works. It's...everything changed around so no one will recognize you.”
“No one will...you think that's the only thing that matters? I trusted you, no, we trusted you and you just...you're just gonna spit on it.”
Spencer looks thoroughly ashamed and Derek's fine with that as he leaves the apartment.
***
Derek gets a single text at 3 am:
coming out at thurs group, will leave after
Maybe it's a bad idea, but he knows he'll go. Despite how livid and betrayed he feels, Derek wants to see Spencer one last time.
A/N - A huge thank you to everyone for being so incredibly patient in waiting for this chapter and a gigantic thank you to my beta, lilijuliet, for being her amazing self.
Author: freakingdork
Pairing: Morgan/Reid
Rating: FRAO
Word Count: 2712
Summary & Disclaimer: see chapter 1
Chapter 6 Warnings: possible consent issues
*****
Chapter 6 - A Little More Than I Can Give
*****
When Derek asks to play a few hands of poker instead of a movie, Spencer is surprised but amenable. He tries to tell himself that it's to keep things from getting monotonous, but Derek knows what he really wants is to see the kid in action. And even though he's expecting Spencer to be good, Derek thought he'd be able to win at least a few hands. Yet, as each round goes by, it becomes more apparent that Derek underestimated Spencer's skill and that Spencer isn't going to show him any mercy. It's impressive and if a chill runs up Derek's spine every now and again, well, that's his problem.
“At least tell me you were counting cards,” Derek says, walking Spencer to the door at the end of the night.
Spencer shakes his head, a wide grin spreading across his face. “Counting cards is cheating and I like to win, fair and square. You can't say I didn't warn you. Repeatedly.”
“Whatever man. Considering you took all my money, you're paying for the next five dinners.”
Spencer starts to snark back, but without meaning to, Derek ruffles Spencer's hair. They both freeze, thrown off by the casual touch. A little strand of hair hangs in Spencer's face and when Derek reaches out and pushes it behind his ear, Spencer's breath hitches. Even as the color rises on Spencer’s cheekbones, he looks Derek right in the eye, unafraid but questioning.
You should be afraid, Derek thinks.
Before Derek thinks twice about it, his mouth presses against Spencer's and Spencer is kissing him right back. Letting out a low moan, Spencer sweeps his tongue along Derek's lower lip. Derek sighs, his tongue darting out to meet Spencer's, but as he starts to lift his hands to cup Spencer's jaw, everything comes crashing down inside him. He breaks away from the kiss, gently pushing Spencer away.
Spencer stares at him, wide-eyed and finally afraid.
“I'm sorry,” Derek says. “I'm so, so sorry...that was wrong, very wrong...I'm...”
“Shhh,” Spencer interrupts, reaching towards him in what must be an attempt to comfort him; Derek flinches away from it and Spencer pulls back. “Uh, it's ok, we all uh...mess up sometimes? And I definitely shouldn't have kissed you back. That was really not...I shouldn't have...”
“I need you to go.”
“I...” Spencer pauses, apparently thinking something through. “I'll go, but promise me we're okay.”
“Yes just...go. I can't be around you right now, possibly ever. You're just too much temptation Spencer and I can't deal with that.”
Before Spencer turns and walks out of his house, Derek swears Spencer is on the edge of tears.
***
When Spencer stands up in group two days later, Derek braces himself for the very worst. Losing his way is bad enough without it being paraded all over a group session, especially because he's worried they might kick Spencer out of the group as well. After Spencer left the previous night, Derek immediately started looking for a new program, something highly structured and strict. He knew he needed to find a place that would swiftly punish him for stupidly thinking he could just hang out with a guy he was extremely attracted to without straying from the path he'd set for himself. Ice baths and electric shock are in his very immediate future.
“I fell off the wagon last night. Kinda,” Spencer says, his words getting faster as he speaks. “I don't know, he kissed me, so it's not like I meant to? But then I was kissing him back so I'm not entirely blameless.”
The whole group freezes and he hopes Gideon will read it as the tension of a fellow member slipping up. Derek tries his best to not visibly flinch, but in the end, it doesn’t really matter. No one is staring at him; they’re all fixated on Spencer.
“Well, why don't you back up?” Jason asks. “Because I think you need to look at the whole picture as to why it happened or else you'll end up making similar mistakes down the road.”
“I met him at a bookstore,” Spencer begins and Derek slowly lets out the breath he'd been holding in. Spencer continues his lie by saying he didn't know that his friend was gay.
“What made it worse is that yeah, okay, he's definitely physically attractive, but his personality has me hooked and he's become one of my closest friends. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want him. I wanted him so much, I wanted more than I got. I would have let him devour me, even though I know I can't have more.” Spencer sighs. “My biggest problem is that I don't want to let go of that friendship, even though it's tempting me.”
“It sounds like you might have to,” Emily says and Derek wants to crawl under a rock even more. “It's not good to keep sinful influences in your life, especially ones who are attracted to you as well.”
Spencer nods. “I guess that's what I need prayer for this week. I need for you guys to pray that I can let go and let God.”
As they gather around Spencer, he tries to ignore the source of his distress; instead, the pain just becomes that much more intense.
***
Tuesday night, Spencer doesn't show up at Derek's for their usual dinner and he doesn't call or text. Derek knows it's for the best and that Spencer's only doing what he had asked of him.
But it still hurts and Derek wishes he could convince himself that it doesn't.
***
The next group session, Spencer is quiet, sullen; even Elle talks more than Spencer, which is quite an impressive feat.
Derek makes mention of feeling like everything is harder, more so than usual, but refuses to share more. Jason is clearly displeased by his withholding and Derek finds that he doesn't particularly care. It feels like everyone is eyeing him with suspicion instead of support - hell, he’d rather have their sympathy if they all think they know.
The knot in his stomach grows as the group prays for him to overcome his struggles.
Because maybe if he truly believed in God, he’d actually believe that his attractions were a temptation from Satan and maybe if he believed that, therapy would actually work.
'Lead us not into temptation,' he prays silently, knowing just how useless it is.
***
“You're the one who kissed Spencer,” Jason states on Friday, steady and sure at their individual session.
Derek doesn't deny it, just looks away.
“You lied to the group. You lied to me,” Jason says in restrained rage before adding, “You know, Spencer didn't lie."
That gets his attention. “What?”
“He told me three weeks into his treatment that he was attracted to you. I asked if it was going to be a problem and he said it wouldn't. So...you were the one to kiss him.”
It isn't even a real question and he can’t tell if it’s true or not, but Derek hears the implications behind it. “Yes, of course.”
“Then I assume you understand what has to happen.”
Derek nods. “I've already started looking for a new program.”
***
When Spencer opens the door to his apartment, Derek pushes inside, kissing Spencer passionately and kicking the door closed behind them.
“I know I shouldn't ask you for this, I'm sorry,” he whispers against Spencer's lips, “but please, I need it. I need you.”
Spencer's breath hitches. “Me too, but I...are you sure? Because I can't...not if you're not completely sure.”
Instead of answering, Derek pulls him back into a hungry kiss. He can feel when Spencer gives in, melting against him and kissing back as if he's been craving just this. Derek doesn't really want to consider the ramifications of what they’re doing. The last thing he wants right now are words and thinking and he really hopes Spencer can understand that.
After untucking Spencer's button up, he reaches behind, splaying his hands across Spencer's smooth back and Spencer shudders under his touch. It scares Derek a little because for a second he wonders if Spencer's changed his mind, but Spencer doesn't pull back and then he moans into Derek's mouth, so it must be alright.
Derek stops the kiss himself, but only to pull his t-shirt up and off before licking his way back into Spencer's mouth. Spencer's hands glide down along his abs until they're resting right at the edge of his jeans. Maybe it's a question, maybe not, but Derek breaks the kiss to whisper, "Bedroom?"
It’s not quite an answer, but the question wasn’t quite asked either. It’s just that, in this moment, what he needs to know is that Spencer understands what they’re doing and that Spencer wants Derek enough that he’ll be okay dealing with the regret that’s sure to come.
With only the slightest hint of hesitation, Spencer tucks his fingers into Derek's waistband and pulls him farther into the apartment. Derek bites at Spencer's lips and plucks at the buttons of his shirt as best he can so that when they finally manage to make it into the bedroom, he's able to push it right off Spencer's skinny shoulders.
Spencer keeps pulling until he's right at the edge of the bed and breaks away to sit, leaving him staring right at where Derek's jeans are tented, looking intent but perhaps a little unsure. Derek unbuttons his jeans and shimmies out of them and as well as his boxers. Before Spencer can reach for him, he gets on the bed, moving until he's sitting against the pillows, hoping Spencer will join him. A sigh of relief escapes him when Spencer takes off the rest of his clothes as well and crawls up the bed, draping himself over Derek. It reminds him of his dream from a few weeks back and he shivers at the thought of being inside Spencer. It won't happen, there's not enough time for that, not to mention the high probability that Spencer lacks the necessary items, but he grasps Spencer's hips like in the dream anyway, pulling their groins together. They both moan at the contact and Spencer grinds down, adding to the pleasure.
One of Derek's hands comes up and tangles in Spencer's hair, pulling him down for another kiss. It's different this time - soft and sweet and far less desperate - and it's exactly what he needs. He's not sure how Spencer manages to know that and it almost seems like they were made for this. The thought throws him off for a moment, but he knows he can't fully deny that what they've got is a good thing.
Spencer's mouth moves down Derek's jaw to his neck and Spencer's breathy grunts and gasps being so close to his ear spur him on. He grabs Spencer's ass and picks up the pace of their hips, desire twisting in his gut over the seductive little whine it forces out of Spencer's lips.
"Touch me," Spencer whispers. "Please."
It's a request Derek rushes to indulge, reaching between them and wrapping his hand around both of their erections. Spencer bucks hard into the touch, obviously close to the edge; he's already shaking with need and when Derek's knuckles brush against Spencer's stomach, the muscles are pulled deliciously tight. It's hard to take his eyes off where his hand is, but the short glance at Spencer's face leaves him shuddering. Spencer is so open and vulnerable that it's more than he can handle; he stays focused on Spencer's cock.
Which is probably for the best because Spencer comes soon after, writhing desperately in his lap.
Spencer is still practically panting as he starts licking his way down Derek's body. The teasing licks to his stomach eventually become long, slow licks to his cock and balls and Derek spreads his legs wider, giving Spencer more room to settle between his legs. It's a longer tease than he generally prefers, but it's Spencer and somehow, that makes it okay.
When Spencer's mouth finally wraps around his erection, Derek fully sinks into the pleasure he feels. His hand sweeps through Spencer's hair, lightly cradling his skull, and Spencer sucks harder, tonguing at the slit. Gritting his teeth, Derek starts to thrust up into Spencer's mouth; it's all too much and not quite enough until Derek looks down sees Spencer staring back up at him.
That vulnerable look is still there and this time, instead of looking away, his eyes lock on. He loses himself in it, his orgasm overcoming any lingering guilt.
As he comes down, small, worshiping kisses cover Derek's jaw. Basking in the afterglow and the satisfaction of feeling complete is short lived though. Fear and pain come back in a flash and Derek tries to pull away from Spencer's grasp, now feeling far too claustrophobic to be held.
"No, let me go Spencer," Derek says, his voice sounding way too high for his taste. Spencer releases him and he starts scrambling around the room, looking for his clothes and desperately pulling them back on. "I have to...go. Oh God, please forgive me."
"It's okay Derek."
“I wasn't talking to you!” Derek shouts. “This was wrong Spencer...I messed up again, don't you get that? Not only did I put my own salvation at risk, but I took you down with me.”
When Spencer doesn't answer, Derek looks up from his search. It's apparently the prompt that Spencer needs.
"You don't need to worry about my salvation," Spencer bitterly spits out. “And I don't believe you're actually worried about yours anyway.”
Derek feels like all the air has left the room. "What does that even mean?"
“I don't think there's anything wrong with what we just did. I never thought there was!” Spencer shouts before shaking his head and reining his feelings back in. “I never wanted to 'heal' my sexuality. I'm not even Christian, okay?”
“All this time, you were...lying?” Derek is completely dumbfounded; his own faith might be a little shaky, but why would someone lie about it if they weren't looking for help with their sexuality?
“I...yes,” Spencer admits. There's a calmness in his admission that makes Derek feel ill.
“Why? Were we all some kind of joke to you? Look at the silly Christians, trying to make themselves right with God?” he asks, but he doesn't wait for an answer, just turns and walks away.
Spencer calls out, “That's not it! Please, just let me explain.”
Derek shakes his head and keeps walking. He's nearly out of the apartment before it dawns on him; even though he'd only ever been here to pick Spencer up, he feels stupid for not picking up on it sooner. “Why are all your walls so bare? And there's hardly any furniture. It's...an artificial dwelling for an artificial life, just like my undercover crashpad a couple years back.” He turns back to Spencer, who has thankfully put his boxers back on. “What the fuck is going on?”
Spencer takes a deep breath, but it leaves him like a shudder. “I'm an investigative writer.”
“You're...what?”
“I'm writing a book on ex-gay therapy and the people who seek it out.”
Derek stands there for a moment without the slightest clue of what to say until it dawns on him. The mere thought of it makes it difficult to breathe. “And all the things I told you, they're just going to be out there for anyone to read?”
“That's not how it works. It's...everything changed around so no one will recognize you.”
“No one will...you think that's the only thing that matters? I trusted you, no, we trusted you and you just...you're just gonna spit on it.”
Spencer looks thoroughly ashamed and Derek's fine with that as he leaves the apartment.
***
Derek gets a single text at 3 am:
coming out at thurs group, will leave after
Maybe it's a bad idea, but he knows he'll go. Despite how livid and betrayed he feels, Derek wants to see Spencer one last time.
A/N - A huge thank you to everyone for being so incredibly patient in waiting for this chapter and a gigantic thank you to my beta, lilijuliet, for being her amazing self.