I guess..
I don't typically write in here often. I go months without writing. Not because I have nothing of importance to say, but because this journal isn't a habit to me anymore. It fell by the wayside years ago and that's just how it is. I occasionally get the urge to update but not usually.
The last post? Well. It was a bit more negative than how I feel now. Struggling with the death of my father is still a huge part of me right now.. but I put it on the backburner because.. well, because I do that sometimes. I haven't seen the therapist in about a month. I'm busy with work and I am going to call her this week. It's funny, I had started seeing her so I could talk about my father and then I get there and avoid it like the plague. Funny how that happens.. I don't know why it happens but it certainly does. I guess I'm afraid to break down in front of this woman who doesn't know me. Sometimes I worry that I subconsciously want to be mad at my father, and hold onto this anger, because I'm afraid I have more bad memories than good. Letting go of the anger means that I can move on in life.. and I just don't know if I am as ready as I thought I was. I have been living with this anger and hate for so long it just feels like a part of me now. A huge part of me. And if it goes away? I don't know.. part of my dad goes away with it? It's hard for me to explain. Whatever. Moving on..
Work is time consuming. I love my job. I love working with adults with disabilities. I love learning more IT. I love the clients. I love being part of an agency that gives a shit about me and my well being. It's one of the best parts of my job. I'm going on a year and a half there and I am happy with it. My only issue is that my heart tells me that I won't be there forever. Part of me is so comfortable there that I worry I will let go of my dreams as a successful, established photographer. I am not ready to let that go. I don't really know that I can. I guess, I worry that I will only do photography on my weekends, when I want to do it full time. How to make that transition without worrying about bills and money.. Well, I don't know. Hopefully I figure it out. I will just keep chipping away at it until it works for me.
What else? I don't know. I haven't been hanging out with many friends. I distance myself further and further away, as usual. I can't be bothered with peoples kids and stupid shit. It's awful of me to say.. but it's the truth. I want to hang out with people who are on the same level in life as me. Or at least kind of on the same level. I want friends who don't have kids and can hang out or go out and not stress it. It's nothing personal, and I love all of my close friends that do. But it makes it extremely hard to do anything. I have been meeting and networking with some awesome people lately and hopefully something good comes out of it. I hate feeling like I have no one anymore.. and it certainly feels like that. I put way too much time into people and friends who really couldn't give a shit about making time to see or talk to me. It's a huge problem and it's a huge annoyance. I am always trying to get to know people and its never mutual. I take it too personally and I just need to... not do that.
I am bored with everything I am writing and so I'm done.
-Kenj.
The last post? Well. It was a bit more negative than how I feel now. Struggling with the death of my father is still a huge part of me right now.. but I put it on the backburner because.. well, because I do that sometimes. I haven't seen the therapist in about a month. I'm busy with work and I am going to call her this week. It's funny, I had started seeing her so I could talk about my father and then I get there and avoid it like the plague. Funny how that happens.. I don't know why it happens but it certainly does. I guess I'm afraid to break down in front of this woman who doesn't know me. Sometimes I worry that I subconsciously want to be mad at my father, and hold onto this anger, because I'm afraid I have more bad memories than good. Letting go of the anger means that I can move on in life.. and I just don't know if I am as ready as I thought I was. I have been living with this anger and hate for so long it just feels like a part of me now. A huge part of me. And if it goes away? I don't know.. part of my dad goes away with it? It's hard for me to explain. Whatever. Moving on..
Work is time consuming. I love my job. I love working with adults with disabilities. I love learning more IT. I love the clients. I love being part of an agency that gives a shit about me and my well being. It's one of the best parts of my job. I'm going on a year and a half there and I am happy with it. My only issue is that my heart tells me that I won't be there forever. Part of me is so comfortable there that I worry I will let go of my dreams as a successful, established photographer. I am not ready to let that go. I don't really know that I can. I guess, I worry that I will only do photography on my weekends, when I want to do it full time. How to make that transition without worrying about bills and money.. Well, I don't know. Hopefully I figure it out. I will just keep chipping away at it until it works for me.
What else? I don't know. I haven't been hanging out with many friends. I distance myself further and further away, as usual. I can't be bothered with peoples kids and stupid shit. It's awful of me to say.. but it's the truth. I want to hang out with people who are on the same level in life as me. Or at least kind of on the same level. I want friends who don't have kids and can hang out or go out and not stress it. It's nothing personal, and I love all of my close friends that do. But it makes it extremely hard to do anything. I have been meeting and networking with some awesome people lately and hopefully something good comes out of it. I hate feeling like I have no one anymore.. and it certainly feels like that. I put way too much time into people and friends who really couldn't give a shit about making time to see or talk to me. It's a huge problem and it's a huge annoyance. I am always trying to get to know people and its never mutual. I take it too personally and I just need to... not do that.
I am bored with everything I am writing and so I'm done.
-Kenj.