Happy New Years and shit
As the new year rolled on in I was highly intoxicated and really didn't give a fuck. Reyna and her boyfriend got a hotel,bought some bottles of alcohol, invited peeps over including me of course and I brang along Matthew and then called Erica over. Various people were coming in and out of that room all night and I really don't recall exactly who they were. There were people down the street-(hall) who were throwing a party as well and came over and joined us for a little bit and then me,Erica, & Matthew joined there room for a little bit it was madness. As the night wound down I ended up in a bed between Matthew and Erica but to my despair no nookie from either of the two. There was tickling and shit going on but damn fuckin cock teases..heh...speaking of coc......nevermind.=X. Anyways it was a fucking cool night as are all of the hotel party adventures we have.
People were making new year's resolutions alot and I had enver really thought about making one becuz I know I won't keep it. I don't really see what the point is but maybe it is just becuz I have no willpower to do anything. I would say give up smoking cigs but I know I will not do that. Or maybe I will say I will stop worrying about every little thing such as what people think of me and stop becoming a different person just so people will like me or think I am cool. These to me are what we call dreams and in reality my dreams never come true.
I will always worry no matter if someone is telling me not to. I do not have that kind of power or control over my brain, it's like it is the controller and I am a mere puppet it likes to play with. Does anyone ever feel the same things I do? Sometimes I just feel like maybe nobody really does think this way and I am really alone. Will things ever change? Will my brain somehow evolve and just stop all the worries and just let me be free? What if you were trapped in something that tortures you every single day and there is absolutely no hope of escaping?....that is what I live everyday.
Nobody else will ever know what it is like to be me and I will never know what it is like to be someone else but if there is someone who thinks like this how come no1 talks the way I do or expresses themselves like this? I have never heard anything like the things I say come out of my friends mouths, and I have never seen them write anything like what I am saying right now. I don't think they are scared to say it so it must be that I am the only one who feels like this. It's sad to realize that my friends don't need me but yet I depend on them to basically feel like I am an actual person.
I think the real resolution should be to stop looking at the real truth of my life and be like everyone else who just lives and doesn't ask questions. But am I the one at fault or are they? I got this thought that the reason they put me on this medication is to forget about these things and not ask questions. It's supposed to make me not have worries or depression but maybe I just see the truth and that is what is depressing. People don't just sit back and look at things for what they are but I do and in this society that is wrong. Maybe that is the thing with all the "crazy" people they know the truth and that is why we lock them up. I guess I am going a little too far but still I think I have a point.
After typing all of that it makes me feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders for now. Taking this stuff out of my mind and just writing it makes me feel at ease for the moment. I am glad I can say all this stuff and not have anybody interrupting me and just listen to me becuz maybe thats all I need....someone to listen.
People were making new year's resolutions alot and I had enver really thought about making one becuz I know I won't keep it. I don't really see what the point is but maybe it is just becuz I have no willpower to do anything. I would say give up smoking cigs but I know I will not do that. Or maybe I will say I will stop worrying about every little thing such as what people think of me and stop becoming a different person just so people will like me or think I am cool. These to me are what we call dreams and in reality my dreams never come true.
I will always worry no matter if someone is telling me not to. I do not have that kind of power or control over my brain, it's like it is the controller and I am a mere puppet it likes to play with. Does anyone ever feel the same things I do? Sometimes I just feel like maybe nobody really does think this way and I am really alone. Will things ever change? Will my brain somehow evolve and just stop all the worries and just let me be free? What if you were trapped in something that tortures you every single day and there is absolutely no hope of escaping?....that is what I live everyday.
Nobody else will ever know what it is like to be me and I will never know what it is like to be someone else but if there is someone who thinks like this how come no1 talks the way I do or expresses themselves like this? I have never heard anything like the things I say come out of my friends mouths, and I have never seen them write anything like what I am saying right now. I don't think they are scared to say it so it must be that I am the only one who feels like this. It's sad to realize that my friends don't need me but yet I depend on them to basically feel like I am an actual person.
I think the real resolution should be to stop looking at the real truth of my life and be like everyone else who just lives and doesn't ask questions. But am I the one at fault or are they? I got this thought that the reason they put me on this medication is to forget about these things and not ask questions. It's supposed to make me not have worries or depression but maybe I just see the truth and that is what is depressing. People don't just sit back and look at things for what they are but I do and in this society that is wrong. Maybe that is the thing with all the "crazy" people they know the truth and that is why we lock them up. I guess I am going a little too far but still I think I have a point.
After typing all of that it makes me feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders for now. Taking this stuff out of my mind and just writing it makes me feel at ease for the moment. I am glad I can say all this stuff and not have anybody interrupting me and just listen to me becuz maybe thats all I need....someone to listen.