[all by myself, i don't need anyone at all
my life is in serius need of a makeover. something somewhere has gone wrong with me & i don't like. i haven't posted an lj entry in forever, i'm extremely lazy, i can't be bothered with life & i feel like i'm slipping away from friends. namely lauren [who i most definately do not want to loose] & a couple of lj-ers. i want to reconnect with them as well as sort myself out properly.
i'll start with the basics. in recent weeks & months i felt increasingly down, cried a lot at really pathetic things [& serious also], my appetite is so up & down at the moment & i'm eating at funny times of the day or not at all, yet no weight is coming off or going on me. it occured to me, that i might be suffering from some sort of depression, so i had a look & some of the symptoms fit. i'm not sure what kind yet, maybe SAD, or even minor, but whatever it is, it's making me think about harming myself again which is bad & i totlally know i have to get over it. i don't want to be this way anymore, but when i'm like this i overthink things. trouble is though, there are times when i'm like really happy, like over silly things when i talk to people, when my best mate came back from uni & when i'm at work & getting on with management. i don't know if it's whats happened recently regarding my job. i should probably explain that.
basically. about two months ago my boss said that i needed tp up my game at work & that i was on an "unrecorded verbal warning" if she didn't see improvement in say a week, i'd be on an actual verbal warning that could go on record & stuff. anyway, about three weeks after that she spoke to me about something i hadn't done right at work, but never told me it was the official verbal warning, so a few weeks later when she issued me with an informal warning sheet i was like wtf?! anyway, she said it was something to be concerned about, but also not to worry about it. i had four weeks to improve the things we agreed on & that if things were no different, the official disciplinaries would start.
personally, me & another work colleague who i'm close to outside of work, both said that we think they're out to fire someone & because i am a little sloppy with my job, i'm the target. there was another incident regarding a microwave too that i think could have got me fired if it was my fault [which it wasn't] but i won't go into that now.
i think a lot of this "depressive state" was started by everything that happened at work, yet my bosses have this way of making me feel happy when they're not pissed off with me. if that makes any sense. it's only when i get home & talk to my parents that i realise that maybe i am being kicked down & pushed around by them. my dad says there's no way i shouold be a poushover but thats the way i've always been. someone says bark like a dog & i'll do it =/
i've also being missing my gran a lot recently. she died a year ago yesterday & prior to yesterday i'd had a talk with mum about how i felt. i never realised that nine years on it could still fucking hurt like hell. i don't think i ever got over the death of my grandma & it pains me to say that i only thought about her twice yesterday. dad didn't even mention her to me which i thought he would, there was no visit to the crem, just me alone with my thoughts & driving myself mad. i miss her so much cos there were so many things i wanted to share with her, like my gcse & a level results, & daft things like getting on a bus straight after school to go & spend time with her. i reckon she'd be the one i'd be talking to about all this now as well, cos regardless of her relationship with my parents, she'd always have the time to talk to me & keep my secrets. if i could be half the person she was, i know i'd have achieved something with my life.
i have a sudden urge to learn too. i was supposed to be looking at courses months ago, but never seemed bothered, but all of a sudden i want to learn, i want to travel & try new things. the problem is the job & the money, i'm not even earning 70 quid a week atm. everyone keeps telling me to get another job but it's so hard & time consuming.
i have so many plans, yet no idea which direction i'm going in. i feel like i'm going at a hundred miles an hour sometimes, yet i'm stuck in the mud & the wheels just spinning with no way of escape. i wish i dealt with things easily, which is why i'm going to attempt to sort things out. i'm sick of feeling sad all the time & my brother has offered to come to the doctors to see if i can try & get something for it & clear the crap away for good this time.