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I hate myself so much. So incredibly much right now. I should just pick up the god damn phone and call him. But I can't. Dammit, I can't. I'd be giving into him, right? Jeremy would want that. I can't give that to him. Not because I know he wants it but because I'm afraid
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I don't get how you can say you love someone so much and cheat on them multiple times. I guess I don't understand that the mental illness, "depression", causes you to ignore your boyfriend and find some random guy online or at a party to sleep with, I guess I really don't get it.
I guess I don't get it how someone can seem to try so hard to hide their past and their culture, then tell me how I don't get it when I say certain things. Of course I won't get it when they don't tell me things. They talk about how they are different from their family, they talk as if the culture is not for them, and that they want to change. I guess I don't get it.
I guess I do get why I make her feel like shit.
It seems to be the only thing I can do sometimes to justify the wrong she has done for me, sorry is just not enough anymore from her. She throws around the word sorry so often, that it has become almost meaningless. She needs to prove it in her actions, which she has yet to do. She tells me the reason she can't prove it is because I have no faith in her, of course I don't, I have no reason to. Trust is earned, not given automatically. If you break that trust, it is more and more difficult to get back, she doesn't get it.
I guess I am weak, too weak to end things with her because she is the one girl that I do love and have loved the most. I guess I do not understand how I could have fallen in love with someone that seems so different from me, that has lower values, morals and opposite beliefs. I guess I don't get how she changed so much in college, from the girl I fell in love with, to the girls I try to avoid. I guess I don't get why I stayed so loyal to her while she was out enjoying life and being promiscuous. I guess the only way I can make myself feel better sometimes, as low as it sounds, is by making sarcastic remarks to her and showing her how she has made me feel. I feel like she isn't very sorry for the things she has done, sure she says she is, but actions speak louder than words. Correction,
I guess I really don't get it.
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