Blah
I hate myself so much. So incredibly much right now. I should just pick up the god damn phone and call him. But I can't. Dammit, I can't. I'd be giving into him, right? Jeremy would want that. I can't give that to him. Not because I know he wants it but because I'm afraid.
Fearful.
Afraid that he will criticize me or mock me for what I have to say. Lately, I've been feeling shitty. Absolutely shitty. Sure, I'm happy, when I'm with him, but when we're alone together...like in his car, driving somewhere....I'm quiet. He's so cynical; yet, I'm the same way. I don't know what it is. I know when he's joking and trying be funny. Sometimes, it just gets to a point, where I don't know if he's being sarcastic. Then, I get all touchy about it. I'm so sensitive. He doesn't know that. He just thinks I'm emotional, which I am, but he doesn't understand why. I have gone through so much shit in my life; I don't need to explain to him every bit of it. I'm not looking for a sorry excuse to get pity or "I'm so sorry for you, let me give you a hug and a kiss for that." That's not even what it's about. It's about how I feel, how I think, how I view things differently than he does.
Lately, after much thinking, I have realized that he's the reason why I feel like shit. Comments he makes, makes me feel as though I have no purpose to even be here...even with him. It gets ridiculous to the point that I convince myself that I'm right -- it's not worth it. I don't need any of that. I have slept so many late nghts in the passed month, thinking about how I really don't have a reason to be here. Where do I see myself in ten years? Shit...where the hell do I see myself in the next three months? I have no job...I have no idea what college i'm transferring to next fall....I have no purpose. I don't get encouragement. I don't get any positive attitudes from him. All I get are cynical remarks about how I should work out more or how I'm so stupid. Thanks. Thanks a lot for making me feel even more loved. I don't care if it's sarcasm. Sarcasm shouldn't be used to joke about serious issues.
He still doesn't get it.
He doesn't understand that even though my father knows almost nothing about my entire life, I almost lost him THREE times. He doesn't understand that even though I can be strong, when I want to be, that my mother can be a horrific bitch. He doesn't understand that depression is a serious mental illness; that it's just all 'in your head.' Right...I guess that's why I'm so fucked up. I guess that's why I suffer from so many other things. I guess some things aren't hereditary after all.
He still doesn't get it.
He doesn't understand my sexuality. He doesn't understand why I do the things I do. He doesn't understand why I feel the way that I do. It's real. I don't care how many times I cheated on him; those feelings are real, and they are still there. No one else matters except for him, he just refuses to believe that's the case. He thinks he knows everything. He doesn't understand why I can't open myself up to him. Well, if he was more understanding like a caring/considerate bf should be, then perhaps I would feel more comfortable opening myself up. Maybe I would have no problem doing that if he would stop with all the cynicism. Dammit, why can't he understand!
He still doesn't get it.
He doesn't understand that my family are strict with certain issues; it's my fucking culture. He doesn't understand that I have been scarred for life. He doesn't understand that it haunts me still. He doesn't understand that I'm allowed to be bothered by it. He doesn't understand why I still think about it after all these years. He doesn't understand that I was once an innocent, ignorant young girl, who got molested/assaulted/harassed. He doesn't understand that I cope with it in odd ways that are really normal. He doesn't understand that my promiscuity comes from trying to find happiness because my depression got worse. He doesn't understand that I feel like I don't even know myself. He doesn't know me; he thinks he does, but really, he doesn't. He thinks he can read me, but he can't. He thinks I put up a front to make him feel bad. No.
He still doesn't get it.
He doesn't understand that I really do love him. He doesn't understand that I want things to work out. He doesn't understand that I just need someone to be my comfort, my guiding light, my strength because I am just too weak. He doesn't understand any of these things, so then I wonder why he still doesn't get it.
Will he ever get it? I'm afraid...afraid that he won't want anything to do with me for being the person I was made to be. I know I can change. He doesn't believe me. He doesn't believe IN me. He doesn't want to believe it. He doesn't understand it...
Fearful.
Afraid that he will criticize me or mock me for what I have to say. Lately, I've been feeling shitty. Absolutely shitty. Sure, I'm happy, when I'm with him, but when we're alone together...like in his car, driving somewhere....I'm quiet. He's so cynical; yet, I'm the same way. I don't know what it is. I know when he's joking and trying be funny. Sometimes, it just gets to a point, where I don't know if he's being sarcastic. Then, I get all touchy about it. I'm so sensitive. He doesn't know that. He just thinks I'm emotional, which I am, but he doesn't understand why. I have gone through so much shit in my life; I don't need to explain to him every bit of it. I'm not looking for a sorry excuse to get pity or "I'm so sorry for you, let me give you a hug and a kiss for that." That's not even what it's about. It's about how I feel, how I think, how I view things differently than he does.
Lately, after much thinking, I have realized that he's the reason why I feel like shit. Comments he makes, makes me feel as though I have no purpose to even be here...even with him. It gets ridiculous to the point that I convince myself that I'm right -- it's not worth it. I don't need any of that. I have slept so many late nghts in the passed month, thinking about how I really don't have a reason to be here. Where do I see myself in ten years? Shit...where the hell do I see myself in the next three months? I have no job...I have no idea what college i'm transferring to next fall....I have no purpose. I don't get encouragement. I don't get any positive attitudes from him. All I get are cynical remarks about how I should work out more or how I'm so stupid. Thanks. Thanks a lot for making me feel even more loved. I don't care if it's sarcasm. Sarcasm shouldn't be used to joke about serious issues.
He still doesn't get it.
He doesn't understand that even though my father knows almost nothing about my entire life, I almost lost him THREE times. He doesn't understand that even though I can be strong, when I want to be, that my mother can be a horrific bitch. He doesn't understand that depression is a serious mental illness; that it's just all 'in your head.' Right...I guess that's why I'm so fucked up. I guess that's why I suffer from so many other things. I guess some things aren't hereditary after all.
He still doesn't get it.
He doesn't understand my sexuality. He doesn't understand why I do the things I do. He doesn't understand why I feel the way that I do. It's real. I don't care how many times I cheated on him; those feelings are real, and they are still there. No one else matters except for him, he just refuses to believe that's the case. He thinks he knows everything. He doesn't understand why I can't open myself up to him. Well, if he was more understanding like a caring/considerate bf should be, then perhaps I would feel more comfortable opening myself up. Maybe I would have no problem doing that if he would stop with all the cynicism. Dammit, why can't he understand!
He still doesn't get it.
He doesn't understand that my family are strict with certain issues; it's my fucking culture. He doesn't understand that I have been scarred for life. He doesn't understand that it haunts me still. He doesn't understand that I'm allowed to be bothered by it. He doesn't understand why I still think about it after all these years. He doesn't understand that I was once an innocent, ignorant young girl, who got molested/assaulted/harassed. He doesn't understand that I cope with it in odd ways that are really normal. He doesn't understand that my promiscuity comes from trying to find happiness because my depression got worse. He doesn't understand that I feel like I don't even know myself. He doesn't know me; he thinks he does, but really, he doesn't. He thinks he can read me, but he can't. He thinks I put up a front to make him feel bad. No.
He still doesn't get it.
He doesn't understand that I really do love him. He doesn't understand that I want things to work out. He doesn't understand that I just need someone to be my comfort, my guiding light, my strength because I am just too weak. He doesn't understand any of these things, so then I wonder why he still doesn't get it.
Will he ever get it? I'm afraid...afraid that he won't want anything to do with me for being the person I was made to be. I know I can change. He doesn't believe me. He doesn't believe IN me. He doesn't want to believe it. He doesn't understand it...