How to win friends and influence people.....or not for that matter.
So I've been reading the book "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie. Its a pretty famous book that I've heard referenced several times so I thought I'd give it a shot. Although most of the recommendations and lessons seem pretty straightforward or predictable its surprisingly practical and relevant, even though its about 70 years old now. One of the things I like about it are the endless examples and stories illustrating each lesson. Apparently Carnegie was somewhat of an expert on Abraham Lincoln and other U.S presidents and had a lot of examples of ways in which they would communicate and work with people while President. Its amazing how I can think of ways in which I've failed or could have done better in specific situations....or entire relationships for that matter while reading each chapter.
I wrote down a couple quotes that I really liked from the book. One of the quotes is from Charles Schwab, the man who was Andrew Carnegie's protege and founded the brokerage firm. He believed that the most valuable skill that a worker could have was an ability to deal with people. As for his own skills he said "I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement". Its amazing to think how much further in life you can get by learning to effectively learn from other people. Carnegie uses a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson repeatedly throughout the book in which the poet said "Every man I meet is in some way my superior. In that I learn of him".
If you wanted an incredibly brief summary of the book and its recommendations they would be:
1. Never criticize and always be positive
2. Make people feel important and be genuinely interested in what they want.
I'm sure everyones heard the term 'constructive criticism', experienced it in their jobs or elsewhere or tried to give it to others. When you think about it though, its usually not necessary. Too often our instinctive reaction to criticism is to immediately defend ourselves. As Carnegie points out, people are not merely logical but rather are a complex mix of emotions and pride. He puts it this way; "Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person's precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment." Carnegie gives a personal example of a time when he received sharp criticism from someone he admired. Ten years later when he heard about that persons death he said that all he could think about were the criticisms that man had given him years before.
Its somewhat embarrassing to admit but to be honest with you I still find myself going through my day repeating Casey's critique's, comments and criticisms in my head more than 6 months later. "You're not outgoing enough"..."You must think I"m a bitch for saying this...I know I sound like a bitch"..."I just want to party and date a lot of people"..."I dont hold on to things, I just dont have time for that"...."I feel cold for saying this but I'm over it, I dont care"..."I only care about myself and my own happiness"...."Everything is black and white with you isn't it?"..."just leave me alone". One such day I was working at Starbucks during the morning rush. I was on bar making the drinks and somehow all of these e-mails and thoughts came rushing into my mind and it seemed as though nothing I could do could get them out of my mind. The morning dragged on and the drinks began to line up longer and longer. I went to make a starbucks doubleshot (espresso shots poured over ice in a shaker glass) but when I put the lid on top of the shaker glass and shook it the lid popped off. As soon as I felt the drink splashing all over my neck and my shirt it was as if a dam burst and for a split second I had no control over myself. I slammed the glass down in the sink and yelled g-ddammit at the top of my lungs. Needless to say you could have heard a pin drop for about 20 seconds and then my assistant manager came over and mumbled some apology about pumping some syrup in the shaker glass or something (as if it was his fault, he was obviously just trying to calm me down). All I managed to say was 'its nothing' to which he said "well you scared everybody in the store...". Later after I came back from my lunch break there was the inevitable meeting with my assistant manager. Before he got too far into it I just leveled with him and said "honestly that had nothing to do with Starbucks or anything this morning. I just have some things on my mind, it wont happen again." He didn't say much after that but he said "if theres anything I can do let me know". I just said "I dont know if there's anything I can do about it".
Its amazing how these things can refuse to go away. I think I understand it better now. Its simple really. She made me feel like I didn't matter and I wanted to be important to her. After all she was important to me so why wasn't I important to her? What hurt wasn't really what she said (read it again, they're really not that bad) but rather it was the entire demeanor and tone of what she said. It was as if she could have said "sorry I'm over this, I dont want you, dont need you and you dont mean a thing to me. You're of no use to me anymore and I only care about myself. But anyways take care of yourself and if you still want to move to Germany you should do that. Good luck!" Its not a sense of maliciousness, just a sense of complete apathy. As if she were to say "I hope things turn out really great for you but if you get run over by an 18-wheeler tomorrow I wont take time out of my busy schedule to attend your funeral". So in summary Casey denied me the very thing that according to Carnegie is the greatest urge in human nature: The desire to be important.
After I got to thinking about some of these things I actually sat down and wrote out what I thought I should have sent to Casey in response to her initial e-mail. I'll spare you and not write it here but it was somewhat difficult to do without sounding critical. However I wish I had written that e-mail instead of the one I sent. I WISH I HAD SENT THAT ONE!!! Instead I dished it out at her. I've not only apologized but I've asked her to forgive me for some of the things I said. Even with that I think it might be too late. I'd like to think with enough time, persistence and goodwill I can salvage things so that there'll be no hostility or regret. I think I'll do whatever I can because I can't just forget about it. I can't. Whatever I do and however she responds (if at all) I'll refrain from saying anything critical about her or complaining. I hope to do that from now on with everyone I meet.
"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain-and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving."
I wrote down a couple quotes that I really liked from the book. One of the quotes is from Charles Schwab, the man who was Andrew Carnegie's protege and founded the brokerage firm. He believed that the most valuable skill that a worker could have was an ability to deal with people. As for his own skills he said "I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement". Its amazing to think how much further in life you can get by learning to effectively learn from other people. Carnegie uses a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson repeatedly throughout the book in which the poet said "Every man I meet is in some way my superior. In that I learn of him".
If you wanted an incredibly brief summary of the book and its recommendations they would be:
1. Never criticize and always be positive
2. Make people feel important and be genuinely interested in what they want.
I'm sure everyones heard the term 'constructive criticism', experienced it in their jobs or elsewhere or tried to give it to others. When you think about it though, its usually not necessary. Too often our instinctive reaction to criticism is to immediately defend ourselves. As Carnegie points out, people are not merely logical but rather are a complex mix of emotions and pride. He puts it this way; "Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person's precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment." Carnegie gives a personal example of a time when he received sharp criticism from someone he admired. Ten years later when he heard about that persons death he said that all he could think about were the criticisms that man had given him years before.
Its somewhat embarrassing to admit but to be honest with you I still find myself going through my day repeating Casey's critique's, comments and criticisms in my head more than 6 months later. "You're not outgoing enough"..."You must think I"m a bitch for saying this...I know I sound like a bitch"..."I just want to party and date a lot of people"..."I dont hold on to things, I just dont have time for that"...."I feel cold for saying this but I'm over it, I dont care"..."I only care about myself and my own happiness"...."Everything is black and white with you isn't it?"..."just leave me alone". One such day I was working at Starbucks during the morning rush. I was on bar making the drinks and somehow all of these e-mails and thoughts came rushing into my mind and it seemed as though nothing I could do could get them out of my mind. The morning dragged on and the drinks began to line up longer and longer. I went to make a starbucks doubleshot (espresso shots poured over ice in a shaker glass) but when I put the lid on top of the shaker glass and shook it the lid popped off. As soon as I felt the drink splashing all over my neck and my shirt it was as if a dam burst and for a split second I had no control over myself. I slammed the glass down in the sink and yelled g-ddammit at the top of my lungs. Needless to say you could have heard a pin drop for about 20 seconds and then my assistant manager came over and mumbled some apology about pumping some syrup in the shaker glass or something (as if it was his fault, he was obviously just trying to calm me down). All I managed to say was 'its nothing' to which he said "well you scared everybody in the store...". Later after I came back from my lunch break there was the inevitable meeting with my assistant manager. Before he got too far into it I just leveled with him and said "honestly that had nothing to do with Starbucks or anything this morning. I just have some things on my mind, it wont happen again." He didn't say much after that but he said "if theres anything I can do let me know". I just said "I dont know if there's anything I can do about it".
Its amazing how these things can refuse to go away. I think I understand it better now. Its simple really. She made me feel like I didn't matter and I wanted to be important to her. After all she was important to me so why wasn't I important to her? What hurt wasn't really what she said (read it again, they're really not that bad) but rather it was the entire demeanor and tone of what she said. It was as if she could have said "sorry I'm over this, I dont want you, dont need you and you dont mean a thing to me. You're of no use to me anymore and I only care about myself. But anyways take care of yourself and if you still want to move to Germany you should do that. Good luck!" Its not a sense of maliciousness, just a sense of complete apathy. As if she were to say "I hope things turn out really great for you but if you get run over by an 18-wheeler tomorrow I wont take time out of my busy schedule to attend your funeral". So in summary Casey denied me the very thing that according to Carnegie is the greatest urge in human nature: The desire to be important.
After I got to thinking about some of these things I actually sat down and wrote out what I thought I should have sent to Casey in response to her initial e-mail. I'll spare you and not write it here but it was somewhat difficult to do without sounding critical. However I wish I had written that e-mail instead of the one I sent. I WISH I HAD SENT THAT ONE!!! Instead I dished it out at her. I've not only apologized but I've asked her to forgive me for some of the things I said. Even with that I think it might be too late. I'd like to think with enough time, persistence and goodwill I can salvage things so that there'll be no hostility or regret. I think I'll do whatever I can because I can't just forget about it. I can't. Whatever I do and however she responds (if at all) I'll refrain from saying anything critical about her or complaining. I hope to do that from now on with everyone I meet.
"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain-and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving."