A SHITTY movie review...
Okay everyone, I recently saw a movie that I think everyone should see. And I don't necessarily mean that in a good way. You should see it primarily because of the title. Monsturd. That's right. Monsturd. I'll say it again, just so you can get it iin your heads. MONSTURD. Now of course, this movie is so horribly bad that I can't help but love it. It starts off on a stormy night, with a little girl laying in bed, asking her father to tell her a story. The father, being a lazy bastard, tells HER to tell HIM a story. So she agrees, but warns him that it's really scary, and it's about a monster that eats people. Vague enough I suppose. She explains that it takes place in Butte County, and all this shit starts at a little company called Dutech. A scientist working on something or other puts his assistant, played by some random old lady they hired, into a small room with electronic locks, and somehow she suddenly falls victim to his new strain of bioengineered bacteria, causing parts of her to turn to brown goo. What a shitty fate. Cut to the local sherrif. You might recognize him as the lazy dad from scene one. Now about the dialogue in this flick...One exchange that takes place in the Morning Due Cafe goes like this: Waitress walks up to sherrif's table and asks if he wants a doughnut. Sherrif responds "How about you sit on my face and make ME look like a glazed doughnut?" All I could think at this point was "Damn, this little girl is CORRUPT!" Even better still, a killer on the loose by the name of Jack Schmitt somehow contacts with Dutech's bacteria, and he is consumed. He then undergoes a hideous transformation and becomes THE SHITMAN!! {Dun dun dun!} Another random set of people is brought into play for a few minutes when a man and his wife argue over the guy cleaning his own damned bathroom, which, subsequently, is covered in shit. He begins plungering, all the while screaming at the toilet like he's slaughtering for vengance. Shit shoots out of the toilet onto his face as he shouts, and suddenly the shitman is upon him. The shitman, of course, being a clever one, leaves fecal related puns on the walls of all the bathrooms he invades. Gems like "Don't get caught with your pants down" and "You gotta be shittin' me" are some favorites. Once more, some randoms enter the seen when a little girl complains to her father, who is watching a badly drawn parody of South Park on TV, that a talking "doo-doo" said it was going to eat her. Her lectures her about calling it a "number two" for a few minutes before checking the bathroom. He finds a tiny turd which he flushes, only to be attacked by the shitman. A bit later, the police are talking to the little girl about her father's disappearance, and she explains that a giant number two ate her daddy. It takes a bit for them to understand she means shit and not an actual...number. The police sketch artist draws from her description a perfect drawing of Schmitt as Shit, complete with "Argh, I ate your daddy!" in a word bubble. And of course he felt the need to title the drawing "THE SHITMAN" in comic book villain style lettering. And yes, the plot DOES get worse. Toward the end, there's supposed to be a chili cookoff. Which means a lot of shitting. So to end it all, some genius from the FBI manages to find a guy who is enough of a loser to have the time to find and capture one million flies, and releases them on the Shitman.
This movie is so fucking stupid that you can't afford NOT to see it.
This movie is so fucking stupid that you can't afford NOT to see it.