i feel empty tonight
i feel so out of touch right now. lately I have been feeling very depressed, like not wanting to get out of bed depressed. I have been having the urge to cut so much lately. Something that triggered my depression that I know was last week I made a mistake at my job...I work at a movie theater running projection and I started the wrong movie, people complained and its a big deal to my bosses that things get started on time and the correct movie ect.... I just have been screwing up so much lately and I dont understand why. I feel so stupid, I make simple mistakes that I know I shouldnt be making. For the past three days I have been fucking up everything and every time I hate myself for it and just want to disappear. Tonight I screwed up bad making two huge mistakes, im like abscent minded and I feel humilliated because everyone knows how much of horrible job im doing. I ended up cutting for the first time in months at my job tonight. I completely did horrible and Im dumbfounded at myself. I went through a period of extreme hatred towards myself everytime i screwed up this week...today I went into work thinking I would prove myself again, show everyone that I can do this...and I did the most horrible job probably in my theaters history. The sad thing about it is that I actually liked my job, even though the pay sucked, but after tonight I feel like finding a new job before they fire me. I got written up and sent home early, I feel like Iam loosing it. Why can;t I function? How can i try so hard and screw up so badly? everything is deteriating. I was in tears. after I was sent home early I drove for 40 minutes, not wanting to go home, not knowing how to explain all this to my family. I just sat in my car in silence, I think im in a state of shock. im just numb. I dont think its hit me yet. I dont know how to talk about any of this with anyone. No one here knows the pain I go through, no one seems to recognize my sadness. I dont know if its related to me being depressed...its never caused an interuption in job performance...concentration...ect. I dont know how to explain why im messing up so badly.