my name is graven on His hands
So I spent the week in Newport for the Women's Retreat. It was nice... but kinda odd. My heart was under major attack the entire time I was there. I couldn't focus. And everytime we sat down to listen to the speaker, there was just this huge wall between me and God. The speaker, Bonnie Kopp, was amazing. She had been through soo much in her life and she was probably only 50 years old. She was an inspiration, and as much as I wanted to dive into the context, as much as I believed God was speaking to me, there was so much "static" in my thoughts... I couldn't focus, and I couldn't settle my heart.
Several times I wanted to walk down on the beach and just spend some time with God. But everything and anything kept me from it. I drove home dissapointed and feeling defeated.
I have never felt a more definite pull to be in Ireland. Don't ask me why, but the entire country of Ireland is on my heart... and it's heavy. I see rolling green hills and dramatic cliffs and ancient graves. All I want to take is a backpack, my Bible and a journal... and I'll spend a month exploring and going wherever I am led. I don't want to go alone. I have to find someone who feels as drawn towards this as I am. I want to do this more than anything in the world right now.
I'm so young. Why can't I go? Why the heck am I in school? How do I know that this is what God wants for my life? "You can do anything you choose. All those doubts you have in your mind come from the one who knows what you could be... and fears you."
And I'm terrified that I will just 'let this go'... wake up and move on with my life and never actually experience anything ever until it's too late. "We should live an expectant, adventerous life, child-like and always asking God, 'What's next, Papa?'"
There is so much to experience. I want to go to Ireland and be a "hobo missionary". But the minute we drove into Newport and I saw the waves rolling in, I convinced myself there was something waiting there for me. And then I saw the boats. Not the yauchts and the sailboats, but the dirty, filthy, slimey fishing boats... Immediately, I wanted to live the life of yellow, waste-high golashes and fish guts. Here I am, in my sunglasses and high-heeled boots, nose pressed up against a store window and staring down at a little docked boat that is absolutely the definition of 'grime' and I'm daydreaming of living the life. Waking up early in the morning, drinking coffee on the way through town, gray skies, rain drizziling, getting aboard and setting course for a long day of ... whatever. It doesn't matter. Bring me a stormy sea and fresh air. Lick my lips and taste sea water. Hoist the anchor, experience God's incredible creation and awesome power.
What's next?
When I'm done with that I'll gather my denim and go on a cattle drive. I look good in a cowboy hat and chaps. The smell of sweat and sunshine and dust for three days and no shower. Horses, cows, coyotes. I want an open prarie, a star-filled sky and a bonfire... beans and bacon.
There is so much for me outside of this University. I want out so bad. I want to experience this life I hear so much about.
I want Ireland.
xo
"Be still my soul; The Lord is on thy side
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain
Leave to thy God to order and provide
In ev'ry change He faithful will remain.
Be still my soul; Thy best, Thy heavenly Friend
Thro' thorny ways leads to a joyful end
Be still, my soul; Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past
Thy hope, Thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last
Be still, my soul; The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them While He dwelt below"
Several times I wanted to walk down on the beach and just spend some time with God. But everything and anything kept me from it. I drove home dissapointed and feeling defeated.
I have never felt a more definite pull to be in Ireland. Don't ask me why, but the entire country of Ireland is on my heart... and it's heavy. I see rolling green hills and dramatic cliffs and ancient graves. All I want to take is a backpack, my Bible and a journal... and I'll spend a month exploring and going wherever I am led. I don't want to go alone. I have to find someone who feels as drawn towards this as I am. I want to do this more than anything in the world right now.
I'm so young. Why can't I go? Why the heck am I in school? How do I know that this is what God wants for my life? "You can do anything you choose. All those doubts you have in your mind come from the one who knows what you could be... and fears you."
And I'm terrified that I will just 'let this go'... wake up and move on with my life and never actually experience anything ever until it's too late. "We should live an expectant, adventerous life, child-like and always asking God, 'What's next, Papa?'"
There is so much to experience. I want to go to Ireland and be a "hobo missionary". But the minute we drove into Newport and I saw the waves rolling in, I convinced myself there was something waiting there for me. And then I saw the boats. Not the yauchts and the sailboats, but the dirty, filthy, slimey fishing boats... Immediately, I wanted to live the life of yellow, waste-high golashes and fish guts. Here I am, in my sunglasses and high-heeled boots, nose pressed up against a store window and staring down at a little docked boat that is absolutely the definition of 'grime' and I'm daydreaming of living the life. Waking up early in the morning, drinking coffee on the way through town, gray skies, rain drizziling, getting aboard and setting course for a long day of ... whatever. It doesn't matter. Bring me a stormy sea and fresh air. Lick my lips and taste sea water. Hoist the anchor, experience God's incredible creation and awesome power.
What's next?
When I'm done with that I'll gather my denim and go on a cattle drive. I look good in a cowboy hat and chaps. The smell of sweat and sunshine and dust for three days and no shower. Horses, cows, coyotes. I want an open prarie, a star-filled sky and a bonfire... beans and bacon.
There is so much for me outside of this University. I want out so bad. I want to experience this life I hear so much about.
I want Ireland.
xo
"Be still my soul; The Lord is on thy side
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain
Leave to thy God to order and provide
In ev'ry change He faithful will remain.
Be still my soul; Thy best, Thy heavenly Friend
Thro' thorny ways leads to a joyful end
Be still, my soul; Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past
Thy hope, Thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last
Be still, my soul; The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them While He dwelt below"