Do children ever grow up?
I was hurt as a child. Mildly, but more than once.
Last night, I was with "JR" and he was holding me, kissing me. Nothing more. And I started to panic. I kept closing my eyes, trying to relax and not push him away. I felt safe and yet scared. It was confusing. He just held me, asked if he did something wrong, if I was angry, if I wanted to talk. All I could say is that I didn't have the words. That I wasn't angry, that it wasn't his fault.
How do you explain something like that? That kind of recoil from affection? The kind of hurt that isn't real? That I wanted to run into the other room, be alone, and cry? That I also wanted to stay there because he was warm and safe? To feel like I've done something wrong, but I haven't - and neither has he?
So, I stayed - with my back to him so he couldn't see my face and let him hold me until I fell asleep. I was better when I woke up, but this isn't the first time I have been so conflicted, so panicked. I really want to enjoy this good thing in my life, I just don't know how..
So what happens to a hurt child? Do they ever grow up to be happy?
Last night, I was with "JR" and he was holding me, kissing me. Nothing more. And I started to panic. I kept closing my eyes, trying to relax and not push him away. I felt safe and yet scared. It was confusing. He just held me, asked if he did something wrong, if I was angry, if I wanted to talk. All I could say is that I didn't have the words. That I wasn't angry, that it wasn't his fault.
How do you explain something like that? That kind of recoil from affection? The kind of hurt that isn't real? That I wanted to run into the other room, be alone, and cry? That I also wanted to stay there because he was warm and safe? To feel like I've done something wrong, but I haven't - and neither has he?
So, I stayed - with my back to him so he couldn't see my face and let him hold me until I fell asleep. I was better when I woke up, but this isn't the first time I have been so conflicted, so panicked. I really want to enjoy this good thing in my life, I just don't know how..
So what happens to a hurt child? Do they ever grow up to be happy?