(no subject)
--Sam gets a message from K-T yesterday saying she will call after nine last night when she has free minutes on her cell phone. Sam ends-up calling her at ten. I go to my bed to lay down, telling Sam to come get me when it is my turn. Suddenly I wake just a bit before three thirty this morning and wake Sam up asking why I did not get to talk to K-T.
--Apearantly K-T got off of the phone suddenly because she was finished with her cigarrette and wanted to smoke pot inside, where her family will not let her have the phone on. I hear she is not able to room with her parents due to some regulation, and if she had her own room she could just go in there and talk, so this means she is rooming with John and he is not letting her keep the phone open for me to call. He gets her again and gets to tell her how to live her life with me.
--I want to make her choose. I want to force a decision between John(babysitting job and all of this bullshit, and me with our life. The blade in my heart is I do not really know what she would choose anymore. I did once. You should see how beautiful we can be. Now I am awake at four in the morning with work in three hours, overwhelmed with negative emotion and without a sympathetic ear to turn to that has not heard it all before. No one to tell me this will get better. Nothing to give me hope.
I am begining to believe my trouble mourning the dead is because somewhere, in the back of my mind, I envy them.
I am going to find a cigarrette. I do not think I want to live forever anymore.
--Apearantly K-T got off of the phone suddenly because she was finished with her cigarrette and wanted to smoke pot inside, where her family will not let her have the phone on. I hear she is not able to room with her parents due to some regulation, and if she had her own room she could just go in there and talk, so this means she is rooming with John and he is not letting her keep the phone open for me to call. He gets her again and gets to tell her how to live her life with me.
--I want to make her choose. I want to force a decision between John(babysitting job and all of this bullshit, and me with our life. The blade in my heart is I do not really know what she would choose anymore. I did once. You should see how beautiful we can be. Now I am awake at four in the morning with work in three hours, overwhelmed with negative emotion and without a sympathetic ear to turn to that has not heard it all before. No one to tell me this will get better. Nothing to give me hope.
I am begining to believe my trouble mourning the dead is because somewhere, in the back of my mind, I envy them.
I am going to find a cigarrette. I do not think I want to live forever anymore.