talking person am I.
it's been a long time hasn't it? no excuses...just facts - life is the unwholesomeness right now. I am very tired - emotionally, physically and spritually. most friends have either retreated into their lives or are wrapped up in troubles of their own - or worse...both. things in my life...once ordered - now very....very....chaotic. BAD chaotic. misunderstandings and miscommunication surrounds me like locusts...the Sword of Damocles has transformed into an H-Bomb. Nothing has been right in my family for a long time...and yet it's threatening to get even more twisted and violent. EVERYTHING IS WRONG. and yet...there's no razor blade in my hand...no gun to my head...no oversized bottle of sleeping pills on my desk. I haven't taken what money I have and gone on a one way trip to anywhere but here...EVERYTHING HURTS RIGHT NOW. but here I am...trying still to work everything out...trying to put everything right...WHY???? why am I not giving up on my friends, my family....MYSELF??? I just don't get it...every fibre of my being is telling me to RUN! (no one will care...no one will notice...will they?) it hurts just to get up these days...and yet...I do. WHY CAN'T I JUST GO? SOMEWHERE ELSE...??? and I can see something - and there are those who DO care...I won't name names...these angels know who they are....and I can't leave that behind. right? yet people have abandoned me for nothing more than giving a damn...that pain never seems to go away...when my dreams are losing luster in my eyes...because I can't share them with anybody anymore...IT'S ALMOST TOO MUCH. almost.