Frame
Did go to work today, slept in and then was stupid enough to try and wake someone up for class. I put in too much effort for everyone else and never get the shit i need in return. I am shutting off, I don't have anything to say to you or you and I certainly am tired of being the brunt of everyones jokes and universal clown. You mother fuckers can all eat shit and i don't even give a fuck if that makes you said. Goddamn sloppy retards all sorts of stupid, lazy and shiesty that don't have a fucking clue what anyone really needs, not that i would even begin to claim that I do. I have never been able to explain a lot of things but my patience slowly fading has caused me to be much more open to reflecting and thinking about what i really need. Going running with Laura tomorrow finally something to be excited about again, I hope i can keep up with her I am usually pretty slow in the morning and usually don't do well with the morning and its ventures as I don't sleep and only dream about things that I can't have so in the morning i wake to being bitter, confused, complaintive, but in a realistic state of mind and know that everything that i dreamed about is not possible for me though i long for so many things that are away from me and so many things that just don't want anything to do with me. I want I want I want so fucking much but get nothing, I don't know what time i have but i am sure that i am going to learn something that is going to give me a second chance again just like i always get a second chance that i don't deserve and I will probably not take advantage of it and that will be that. That will be the end and not and end for review. We learn to play games when we are five, most of us go onto better things after that. I don't know I am tired of the games and the bull shit who and what and where and the worst why. Things are messed maybe i cant be around forever and maybe you dont want to hear that, you live in the present but your mind is still on the future maybe, though this is silly when you sit down and think about it. I don't know why I am here and everyday I think i go backwards and know even less I don't know what to do or even why to do it. I want certain things and know certain things and am willing to put them both aside for being able to understand what it is i am doing and what to do and should do. I just want to say whatever a million times over, I just want to say oh well until i cant feel any emotions ever again, I just want to say should have seen this downward spiral coming all long. Its tough i don't drink anymore though i would today if i met someone that did and I don't really do drugs but i would today for someone, I guess that makes me shallow I guess that makes me spineless. I don't care anymore I dont care anymore I dont care any more. Lets find peace there I would do anything to be happy again and i mean legitimately happy for a period of time that i was able to let go of whatever was going on and just give in to what was happening and be me who i could. Maybe i should drink maybe i should get torn up like an idiot and replace my nervous state with my confidence and ability to go after everything i wanted without hesitation like a hunter in the wild. I once was able to be and exist and live and not worry but no longer. ALL I HAVE LEFT IS WORRY. I am not able to get out of myself or get out of my own way, I am going to die this much is true but i dont really think thats why i feel as blue as i do. Maybe... I am already dead and the reason its so easy to be ok with death is because i have nothing left to live for except for this robot like schedule and life that is completely useless in the long run........ Whatever
END
END