dilemma
god. it seems to be a never-ending battle when it comes to love for me. just when i think i'm the happiest i could ever be and nothing could ever fuck it up... there's always something. maybe it's because i have nothing better to worry about, or i've just been really spoiled my whole life when it comes to relationships, but, whatever it is, it NEEDS TO STOP.
here's the deal.
remember when i was shooting my demo reel for school back in august? well this past week, the students from the new group were filming all of theirs (since they graduate the beginning of march). of course, dan (my boyfriend/ex-teacher) was filming a bunch of them, and i told him some time ago that i'd be willing to help out. so, we started filming on monday, and it started out really well; i had lots of fun, and got to know the new students a little better. the main issue arose when i started developing a bit of an interest in one of the guys. nolan. at first, i thought it was nothing, just that he was pretty cute and had a fun personality. but then he helped out on set every single day of the week. and that's when it became dangerous.
now, these days were extremely long and exhausting. i was up every morning at 6:30AM, and we didn't finish shooting until about midnight each day. so, the other issue arose when, on valentine's day, since the entire day was spent on set, dan and i obviously didn't get to celebrate it. now, i know there are lots of people who just don't give a fuck about valentine's day and believe it's a complete waste of time... but i'm not one of those people. it matters to me. so when we didn't get a chance to do anything, and he didn't even bother to get me a quick card or flowers or chocolate or ANYTHING... you can only imagine how upset i was. and vulnerable. and looking to turn to pretty much any other sweet, cute guy in my vicinity. in this case, nolan happened to be around. i don't know if i subconsciously hung around him a lot simply in spite of my resentment towards dan after the whole valentine's day thing, but, for whatever reason, it was an extremely bad idea. because we got along really well. and i mean really well. the chemistry i had with nolan this past week was practically on par with the level of chemistry i had with dan back in the day when i was mad crushing on him. and i could tell he felt it too. every time i stole a glance at him, i would just find him staring right back at me. and then he would smile and we'd both look away. it was super cute. and i feel so sick talking about it right now, because at the same time, i still love dan so much, and i feel like even expressing myself through my journal is some form of cheating. i mean, when i think about just how hard i crushed on him, i can't possibly understand how i could be even remotely attracted to any other man. but i guess i'm only human. an animal. right? i can't even explain these feelings i have, because i could never imagine myself actually breaking up with dan in order to get with nolan, but at the same time i just can't stop thinking about nolan or stop looking at his pictures. and he knows i'm with dan, so i don't think he'd ever try to make a move. but if he did... i honestly don't know if i'd have the willpower to say no. luckily, he'll be graduating soon so i'll hopefully never see him again. i know i'll get over him eventually, as long as i don't see him, so i'm not too worried if all goes well up until then. but i am worried about graduation night. i know for ours, everyone went out and got drunk afterwards. if i do that this time... who knows what will go down.
anyway, that's pretty much my life right now. pathetic, i know. i really need to find more interesting things to do with my life. anyway, dan's birthday is coming up next weekend and i don't really know what to do for it. i've never celebrated a boyfriend's birthday before. i seem to have this curse where i always end up breaking up with my boyfriends right before their birthdays. and after everything that happened last week, this time around was a pretty darn close call! maybe finally getting the chance to celebrate a boyfriend's birthday will break my curse, and then we'll continue on living in a happy, healthy relationship. one can only hope.
lastly, r.i.p. whitney houston.
here's the deal.
remember when i was shooting my demo reel for school back in august? well this past week, the students from the new group were filming all of theirs (since they graduate the beginning of march). of course, dan (my boyfriend/ex-teacher) was filming a bunch of them, and i told him some time ago that i'd be willing to help out. so, we started filming on monday, and it started out really well; i had lots of fun, and got to know the new students a little better. the main issue arose when i started developing a bit of an interest in one of the guys. nolan. at first, i thought it was nothing, just that he was pretty cute and had a fun personality. but then he helped out on set every single day of the week. and that's when it became dangerous.
now, these days were extremely long and exhausting. i was up every morning at 6:30AM, and we didn't finish shooting until about midnight each day. so, the other issue arose when, on valentine's day, since the entire day was spent on set, dan and i obviously didn't get to celebrate it. now, i know there are lots of people who just don't give a fuck about valentine's day and believe it's a complete waste of time... but i'm not one of those people. it matters to me. so when we didn't get a chance to do anything, and he didn't even bother to get me a quick card or flowers or chocolate or ANYTHING... you can only imagine how upset i was. and vulnerable. and looking to turn to pretty much any other sweet, cute guy in my vicinity. in this case, nolan happened to be around. i don't know if i subconsciously hung around him a lot simply in spite of my resentment towards dan after the whole valentine's day thing, but, for whatever reason, it was an extremely bad idea. because we got along really well. and i mean really well. the chemistry i had with nolan this past week was practically on par with the level of chemistry i had with dan back in the day when i was mad crushing on him. and i could tell he felt it too. every time i stole a glance at him, i would just find him staring right back at me. and then he would smile and we'd both look away. it was super cute. and i feel so sick talking about it right now, because at the same time, i still love dan so much, and i feel like even expressing myself through my journal is some form of cheating. i mean, when i think about just how hard i crushed on him, i can't possibly understand how i could be even remotely attracted to any other man. but i guess i'm only human. an animal. right? i can't even explain these feelings i have, because i could never imagine myself actually breaking up with dan in order to get with nolan, but at the same time i just can't stop thinking about nolan or stop looking at his pictures. and he knows i'm with dan, so i don't think he'd ever try to make a move. but if he did... i honestly don't know if i'd have the willpower to say no. luckily, he'll be graduating soon so i'll hopefully never see him again. i know i'll get over him eventually, as long as i don't see him, so i'm not too worried if all goes well up until then. but i am worried about graduation night. i know for ours, everyone went out and got drunk afterwards. if i do that this time... who knows what will go down.
anyway, that's pretty much my life right now. pathetic, i know. i really need to find more interesting things to do with my life. anyway, dan's birthday is coming up next weekend and i don't really know what to do for it. i've never celebrated a boyfriend's birthday before. i seem to have this curse where i always end up breaking up with my boyfriends right before their birthdays. and after everything that happened last week, this time around was a pretty darn close call! maybe finally getting the chance to celebrate a boyfriend's birthday will break my curse, and then we'll continue on living in a happy, healthy relationship. one can only hope.
lastly, r.i.p. whitney houston.