devastion
dear journal,
i have never been as devastated in my whole entire life as i am right now. it's been forever since i've updated you so a TON of shit has happened since my last post (well, that always seems to be the case in every post, doesn't it...) so i'll have to rewind a bit just to catch you up.
i last stood at my plan to break up with my boyfriend, dan (the teacher i crushed on for so long), which i did end up courageously doing. it was a close call, i nearly chickened out of it, but in the end my desire to break up with him won over, which i'm so very glad about. it ended in tears on both sides, and i do admit that i kept second-guessing my actions and was really upset for a few days. but eventually i got over it and realized that i did actually do the right thing and it really was for the best. one thing that i failed to mention in my previous post, however, was that there was also a certain slight interest at work during the time that i was thinking of breaking up with him. this other person of interest, luke, and i started hanging out quite a bit during the final days of my relationship with dan, and i will disclose that we did in fact kiss before i had even finalized the break up. judge me if you want, but at that point i was 95% sure that i was going to be ending my relationship with dan anyway. now, the thing with luke was... during that time, i promised myself that whatever went on between us would remain strictly casual and we wouldn't get involved in anything serious. he helped give me the courage to break up with dan, which was great, but after that, as i mentioned before, i just wanted to stay single and focused for a while until i was able to get back up on my feet. also, luke and i both work together, and i was well aware that relationships in the workplace can sometimes get very... ugly. but i thought he was cute, and as long as we were both ok with keeping things casual, i was fine. a couple weeks then went by after the break up, and luke and i were still doing well... except, i started getting this feeling that he was slowly starting to become more invested in us than i was. natually, i began to worry because i still didn't want anything more than a casual relationship, so i started backing off just a little bit. then i went away for 3 weeks, and during that time away... he hardly even kept in touch at all. that kind of got me thinking and wondering what was going on, because before that he was always so clingy to me. now, i'm a girl that loves attention... so when he didn't put any effort into contacting me, i got a little confused and upset. that's when i realized that maybe i actually cared and was starting to develop feelings for him. once i returned from my trip, he still acted very distant towards me, which upset me even more. so one night him and a bunch of us went out to see a concert, got extremely wasted, and while on the way back home afterwards, i confronted him about why he's been acting so distant and stuff. he told me that it was because he thought that it was what i wanted... which was true, as we had discussed from the start, but then i went on to tell him that maybe i wanted more now. then he told me that he had been wanting more the entire time... and that he loved me! and all this other shit about how he was always interested in me, even before we started hanging out, and how he believed i was always 'the one'. he was so sincere and humble about it that i just fell into it all and suggested that we make it official. he was over the moon about it, and so was i actually. from that point onwards, i can honestly say that our relationship had really blossomed into something unlike any other relationship i've ever had in the past. he's the only person that i've ever really felt comfortable and myself with, and we shared a lot of same interests, but not everything, so it was the perfect balance. we did a bunch of really fun outings, and to top it all off, he was an honest gentleman... always paid for my drinks and meals, always walked me home, helped me out when i need him, listened to what i wanted, gave me attention... literally the average girl's dream personality in a man. then, within the last couple weeks, things only just started going a little awry. i noticed that he was slowly stopping doing all those nice things and started becoming a little distant again. for instance, a lot of times we would make plans to hang out or for him to come over, and then he would keep cancelling at the last minute. i was beginning to worry, as over all this time, i've grown very attached to him without even realizing it. usually i don't get so attached to guys, but he's just been so amazing. anyway, when all this started happening, i thought maybe he was beginning to lose interest in me... i will admit, i took him for granted sometimes and got really upset when he cancelled on me, and snapped at him a few times. most people would realize that's normal in a relationship, but another thing i haven't mentioned is that i'm only his second girlfriend ever... and he's the exact same age as me. so he is very unexperienced with relationships, whereas i've been through several. and that brings me to my next point... two days ago, i receive the infamous 'i think we need to talk...' text from him during the day. now, for most people, it's pretty obvious what that means. and i started to panic. i panicked for a bit, then i started playing out all these scenarios in my head of what could happen, in order to try and prepare myself. what i didn't do, though, was prepare myself enough for the most obvious 'break-up' scenario... because i was in so much denial. we had been doing so well with eachother, and i felt like we were essentially perfect together, so i thought there was absolutely no fucking way he was going to break up with me... i thought, even if he told me that he was, i would somehow convince him otherwise. no matter what, i so strongly believed that we were not going to break up. ... and what happens? of course, the fucker breaks up with me. he came over that night, and told me straight up that he didn't think he could be in this relationship anymore. i asked him why, and he gave me these stupid bullshit reasons about how we see eachother more during work than outside of work, and how he doesn't feel like he's committed enough to spending time with me, and because of that he's a lousy boyfriend. even when i told him that i didn't care and didn't have to see him ALL the time outside of work, he still kept saying the same shit over and over again. i kept trying to convince him to let us try and make it work, but he wouldn't listen to me... he was so adamant about us breaking up, that anything i said to him just went straight over his head. i was of course bawling and pouring my heart out, but it seemed as if it all had absolutely no effect... he didn't even try comforting me or anything... he just kept repeating himself and saying sorry over and over again. i then told him to leave, so he took all his stuff that he left at my place, and left. and it was at that point that it truly hit me that it was really over. just like that. literally two days before, we were hanging out and having a laugh, and then all of a sudden BAM, out of the blue, it's over. that's what fucking hurts the most... there was no real build-up or anything, it just came out of NOWHERE, and for no reason at all. and to top it all off, this is the first time a guy's broken up with me... in all my past relationships, i've always been the one to do the breaking up, so this time it's an entirely different feeling... and it fucking sucks. SO much. i've never been hurting this much for this long before... and i don't know how to get over it. because it's not like i even have any really close friends to confide in... or another guy to help me get over him (as bad as that sounds). and since i felt like we were so unbelievably perfect for eachother, i feel like i'll never be able to meet another guy like him, or better. i just don't understand what went wrong... i feel like part of it must have been me, even though he wouldn't admit it... because when we started out he knew i was unstable about the whole relationship, so he kept reassuring me that we could make it work and that he loved me. and now it's like in just one day he's changed into this whole different person. i mean, i know that he's not experienced with relationships or how to handle situations like this... but i still never thought he'd be one to break a girl's heart like that. i just don't understand. the whole situation is bullshit, and i hate that i'm so affected by him... because he's a fucking inhuman asshole for being able to do this to someone. and it sucks, because i work with the fucker... so i still have to see him nearly every day.
lessons learned: don't date people in the workplace, and don't get attached to lying motherfuckers.
this song pretty much defines our break-up:
i have never been as devastated in my whole entire life as i am right now. it's been forever since i've updated you so a TON of shit has happened since my last post (well, that always seems to be the case in every post, doesn't it...) so i'll have to rewind a bit just to catch you up.
i last stood at my plan to break up with my boyfriend, dan (the teacher i crushed on for so long), which i did end up courageously doing. it was a close call, i nearly chickened out of it, but in the end my desire to break up with him won over, which i'm so very glad about. it ended in tears on both sides, and i do admit that i kept second-guessing my actions and was really upset for a few days. but eventually i got over it and realized that i did actually do the right thing and it really was for the best. one thing that i failed to mention in my previous post, however, was that there was also a certain slight interest at work during the time that i was thinking of breaking up with him. this other person of interest, luke, and i started hanging out quite a bit during the final days of my relationship with dan, and i will disclose that we did in fact kiss before i had even finalized the break up. judge me if you want, but at that point i was 95% sure that i was going to be ending my relationship with dan anyway. now, the thing with luke was... during that time, i promised myself that whatever went on between us would remain strictly casual and we wouldn't get involved in anything serious. he helped give me the courage to break up with dan, which was great, but after that, as i mentioned before, i just wanted to stay single and focused for a while until i was able to get back up on my feet. also, luke and i both work together, and i was well aware that relationships in the workplace can sometimes get very... ugly. but i thought he was cute, and as long as we were both ok with keeping things casual, i was fine. a couple weeks then went by after the break up, and luke and i were still doing well... except, i started getting this feeling that he was slowly starting to become more invested in us than i was. natually, i began to worry because i still didn't want anything more than a casual relationship, so i started backing off just a little bit. then i went away for 3 weeks, and during that time away... he hardly even kept in touch at all. that kind of got me thinking and wondering what was going on, because before that he was always so clingy to me. now, i'm a girl that loves attention... so when he didn't put any effort into contacting me, i got a little confused and upset. that's when i realized that maybe i actually cared and was starting to develop feelings for him. once i returned from my trip, he still acted very distant towards me, which upset me even more. so one night him and a bunch of us went out to see a concert, got extremely wasted, and while on the way back home afterwards, i confronted him about why he's been acting so distant and stuff. he told me that it was because he thought that it was what i wanted... which was true, as we had discussed from the start, but then i went on to tell him that maybe i wanted more now. then he told me that he had been wanting more the entire time... and that he loved me! and all this other shit about how he was always interested in me, even before we started hanging out, and how he believed i was always 'the one'. he was so sincere and humble about it that i just fell into it all and suggested that we make it official. he was over the moon about it, and so was i actually. from that point onwards, i can honestly say that our relationship had really blossomed into something unlike any other relationship i've ever had in the past. he's the only person that i've ever really felt comfortable and myself with, and we shared a lot of same interests, but not everything, so it was the perfect balance. we did a bunch of really fun outings, and to top it all off, he was an honest gentleman... always paid for my drinks and meals, always walked me home, helped me out when i need him, listened to what i wanted, gave me attention... literally the average girl's dream personality in a man. then, within the last couple weeks, things only just started going a little awry. i noticed that he was slowly stopping doing all those nice things and started becoming a little distant again. for instance, a lot of times we would make plans to hang out or for him to come over, and then he would keep cancelling at the last minute. i was beginning to worry, as over all this time, i've grown very attached to him without even realizing it. usually i don't get so attached to guys, but he's just been so amazing. anyway, when all this started happening, i thought maybe he was beginning to lose interest in me... i will admit, i took him for granted sometimes and got really upset when he cancelled on me, and snapped at him a few times. most people would realize that's normal in a relationship, but another thing i haven't mentioned is that i'm only his second girlfriend ever... and he's the exact same age as me. so he is very unexperienced with relationships, whereas i've been through several. and that brings me to my next point... two days ago, i receive the infamous 'i think we need to talk...' text from him during the day. now, for most people, it's pretty obvious what that means. and i started to panic. i panicked for a bit, then i started playing out all these scenarios in my head of what could happen, in order to try and prepare myself. what i didn't do, though, was prepare myself enough for the most obvious 'break-up' scenario... because i was in so much denial. we had been doing so well with eachother, and i felt like we were essentially perfect together, so i thought there was absolutely no fucking way he was going to break up with me... i thought, even if he told me that he was, i would somehow convince him otherwise. no matter what, i so strongly believed that we were not going to break up. ... and what happens? of course, the fucker breaks up with me. he came over that night, and told me straight up that he didn't think he could be in this relationship anymore. i asked him why, and he gave me these stupid bullshit reasons about how we see eachother more during work than outside of work, and how he doesn't feel like he's committed enough to spending time with me, and because of that he's a lousy boyfriend. even when i told him that i didn't care and didn't have to see him ALL the time outside of work, he still kept saying the same shit over and over again. i kept trying to convince him to let us try and make it work, but he wouldn't listen to me... he was so adamant about us breaking up, that anything i said to him just went straight over his head. i was of course bawling and pouring my heart out, but it seemed as if it all had absolutely no effect... he didn't even try comforting me or anything... he just kept repeating himself and saying sorry over and over again. i then told him to leave, so he took all his stuff that he left at my place, and left. and it was at that point that it truly hit me that it was really over. just like that. literally two days before, we were hanging out and having a laugh, and then all of a sudden BAM, out of the blue, it's over. that's what fucking hurts the most... there was no real build-up or anything, it just came out of NOWHERE, and for no reason at all. and to top it all off, this is the first time a guy's broken up with me... in all my past relationships, i've always been the one to do the breaking up, so this time it's an entirely different feeling... and it fucking sucks. SO much. i've never been hurting this much for this long before... and i don't know how to get over it. because it's not like i even have any really close friends to confide in... or another guy to help me get over him (as bad as that sounds). and since i felt like we were so unbelievably perfect for eachother, i feel like i'll never be able to meet another guy like him, or better. i just don't understand what went wrong... i feel like part of it must have been me, even though he wouldn't admit it... because when we started out he knew i was unstable about the whole relationship, so he kept reassuring me that we could make it work and that he loved me. and now it's like in just one day he's changed into this whole different person. i mean, i know that he's not experienced with relationships or how to handle situations like this... but i still never thought he'd be one to break a girl's heart like that. i just don't understand. the whole situation is bullshit, and i hate that i'm so affected by him... because he's a fucking inhuman asshole for being able to do this to someone. and it sucks, because i work with the fucker... so i still have to see him nearly every day.
lessons learned: don't date people in the workplace, and don't get attached to lying motherfuckers.
this song pretty much defines our break-up:
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