bad day
today was a really bad day for me. i can't quite put my finger down on any specific reason why... it's just been giving off a really thick bad vibe, and i got caught all up in it. first of all, the crush on my teacher has been growing exponentially larger and more serious. it's to the point where i actually work my schedule around spending as much time near him as possible (which means staying after school every day to 'work', while he's still in the office. even if i don't get to interact with him at all during that time, i still feel the urge to stick around.) there are times when we actually do spend some good moments during those after hours, though. for instance, just 2 days ago, he had to fix up some broken equipment, so i offered to help. that was fun because we got to work real closely together and there was the fun exchange of chit chat in meantime. he even gave me a hug once we finished, although he was wearing a white shirt and my face kinda went into it and my foundation smeared all over his shoulder (which was probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my life) and then he even commented "uh oh, people are going to think we've been making out", to which i naturally thought 'well. if we've done the time, might as well do the crime! he he he' so that was fun and all. then today came around and just took a shit on my whole week. i dunno what it is... but when i'm NOT having good moments with him... it just makes me feel like shit. even if nothing actually bad happened. i guess you could just say it gives me a slap of doubt, and i'm back to reality, believing that nothing's ever going to happen between us. also, there's this other girl in my class who i'm 90% sure has a crush on him as well. she's your typical sweet girl who is slightly reserved and shy, but in the attractive way. anyway, she totally has the advantage because she is 27 (closer to his age) and she's a cook (a trait that he likes in a woman - one that i don't have). she's also nicer and more mature than me, and he puts a lot of his attention on her. i mean, from an outsider's perspective, i probably get an equal or even slightly more amount of attention from him, but this other chick totally has the advantage... and, with time, i'm just scared that she's going to end up winning him over. she's also the type who seems to be seeking to settle down with a guy, and she can afford to do that at her age, more so than i can, and i don't know if that's what he's looking for too... but i surely see it as a threat. and he seemed to pay her special attention today, so i think that's partly why i was so upset afterwards. then he brought up the shirt thing again too, joking around a bit about how he hopes it'll wash off. i assured him it would, but it just made me feel even more embarrassed... especially since guys aren't really fond of make-up. i wouldn't wear the stuff if i didn't have to... but i do. i have really bad skin, so make-up is my only lifesaver. i just hope he doesn't think i'm superficial or anything because of it... because that's like the complete opposite of who i am. and people tend to misunderstand me a lot because of the things i do/wear. it fucking sucks. anyway, the whole experience today just sent me home crying... i had a nice little breakdown, and now that it's done, i'm hoping i can move on and shake off this bad vibe. because i know brooding isn't an attractive quality either. it kinda sucks that i have the weekend to go through now, though... because since i'm a loser and have no friends, i'm usually just stuck alone with nothing to do. and that's when it gets really dangerous for my sanity. i do have an exam and a new scene coming up for next week though, so i guess i can try and spend my time studying for once. we'll see how that goes. anyway, this journal entry has been long enough i think... time to go find something to do. perhaps i'll crack open the ice cream.