ARGHHHHH!!!
man its crazy so much going on in my mind. i just dont feel pleased for some reason, like i am missing something but i dont know what it is. im sitting here all summer working earning money thinking about my apartment. thinking about horses, about showing doing the best i can, the farm, me, school, someone else, not jojo, im not thinking about jojo at all and for once he is in and i am just not feeling it anymore. it surprises me that i just dont have that feeling anymore. i want to do other things now and he seems more like a road block an obsticle than a friend after all that has happened in my life recently i just dont know i am not the same person and my feelings are not the same i dont think of him as the same i dont love him the same. all these feelings going on in my mind, its scary 3 years and to start all over and possibly go through the crap all over. sometimes it seems more than i can take. so i am left with the task of telling him i dont love him anymore. that i dont feel anything anymore. and i wish to be somewhere else with someone else. its insain the roller coaster of emotions with losing alex and losing my feelings for jojo and just things in general. sometimes things dont seem very fair. kinda cold right now standing still waiting for something to take off. anyways enough of that i just have a raging headache and i keep nightmaring so i figure something is wrong with my spiritual world, it usually means something is offbalance when i feel this way. i just want to do whats best.
anyways i have been watching Orange County Choppers on the discovery channel. its this show about a father and son named Paul Sr. and Paul Jr. who have a bike shop together, and the father's very tallented son Paul jr. designs and makes these awesome bikes, but he just dreams them up and creates these off the wall designs. im in love with him! his creativity and how he works with his dad and what he invisions and creates! the art work and his skill! jezz! thats my ideal man right there! and all strong and an individual. gotta love that! so i love watching orange county choppers each week and see what they are up to, those two working together are hysterical!
i keep dreaming about alex, the most recent one was a night that i had been crying over him before i went to bed and he usually appears in my dreams when i cry. anyways before i went to bed i kept saying alex my cousin i need to reach alex, alex atanasov my cousin i need to talk to you alex alex alex over and over. and to make sure there were no mix ups cause i dont want to talk to any other alexs you know there are alot of alexs probably in the stratisfere! anyways that night i had a dream of this wind like a tornado picking up in my room wind that knocked the air right out of me! i became so scared i tried to scream for my mother but nothing could get out, then a portal like a hole in the air opened and it was a green light and on the other side i heard my cousin alex's voice and he said "tell my family that i am alright" and then i woke up! it was so freaky! but it calmed me because there was alex on the other side talking to me. before his funeral he talked to me as an angel so maybe do these dreams have significance? is he really speaking to me in dream form or is it my imagination that is the interesting thing, i feel strongly that it is alex trying to connect and other family members have been having dreams as well. also i sent mikey janie (my cousins) pics of all of us at alex and my favorite resturant peeking gourmet and i wrote them both letters about alex and how much i loved them, for alex and mikeys mother i send a card too telling her about my dreams and congratulating her for her recent graduation for her masters degree.
oh and what else my brother is engaged to melany now as of last weekend and they are in to visit and announce the wedding plans and all. and i am at home suffering with a headache and allergies. i just feel drained! maybe i am just stressed out. and janie and mikey couldnt come visit this weekend on account of mikey not being able to get out of work:( i was looking forward to seeing them so thats sad! but the culpepper va show will be next weekend and stormy is looking smoking good, with all our work he is starting to really show muscles and definition and strength and his coat looks awesome and my new show jackets will look great! so i am feeling really excited and confident! ok i need to stop writing now! i didnt know i had so much guts to spill but it was just flowing all over the place tonight!
night night!
love molly anne
anyways i have been watching Orange County Choppers on the discovery channel. its this show about a father and son named Paul Sr. and Paul Jr. who have a bike shop together, and the father's very tallented son Paul jr. designs and makes these awesome bikes, but he just dreams them up and creates these off the wall designs. im in love with him! his creativity and how he works with his dad and what he invisions and creates! the art work and his skill! jezz! thats my ideal man right there! and all strong and an individual. gotta love that! so i love watching orange county choppers each week and see what they are up to, those two working together are hysterical!
i keep dreaming about alex, the most recent one was a night that i had been crying over him before i went to bed and he usually appears in my dreams when i cry. anyways before i went to bed i kept saying alex my cousin i need to reach alex, alex atanasov my cousin i need to talk to you alex alex alex over and over. and to make sure there were no mix ups cause i dont want to talk to any other alexs you know there are alot of alexs probably in the stratisfere! anyways that night i had a dream of this wind like a tornado picking up in my room wind that knocked the air right out of me! i became so scared i tried to scream for my mother but nothing could get out, then a portal like a hole in the air opened and it was a green light and on the other side i heard my cousin alex's voice and he said "tell my family that i am alright" and then i woke up! it was so freaky! but it calmed me because there was alex on the other side talking to me. before his funeral he talked to me as an angel so maybe do these dreams have significance? is he really speaking to me in dream form or is it my imagination that is the interesting thing, i feel strongly that it is alex trying to connect and other family members have been having dreams as well. also i sent mikey janie (my cousins) pics of all of us at alex and my favorite resturant peeking gourmet and i wrote them both letters about alex and how much i loved them, for alex and mikeys mother i send a card too telling her about my dreams and congratulating her for her recent graduation for her masters degree.
oh and what else my brother is engaged to melany now as of last weekend and they are in to visit and announce the wedding plans and all. and i am at home suffering with a headache and allergies. i just feel drained! maybe i am just stressed out. and janie and mikey couldnt come visit this weekend on account of mikey not being able to get out of work:( i was looking forward to seeing them so thats sad! but the culpepper va show will be next weekend and stormy is looking smoking good, with all our work he is starting to really show muscles and definition and strength and his coat looks awesome and my new show jackets will look great! so i am feeling really excited and confident! ok i need to stop writing now! i didnt know i had so much guts to spill but it was just flowing all over the place tonight!
night night!
love molly anne