as I was getting tired of these "wear these goofy-looking workout sneakers, and you'll lose weight and look like Kim Kardashian" shoe commercials, I just saw a class-action lawsuit commercial saying because the heels are so overly padded, people are falling and injuring themselves. And there's my belly-laugh for the day.
"Oh I lost all this weight, ( Read more... )

Dear Hair: Please forgive me. I'm sorry that last night you resembled black jeans that had bleach spilled on them. I'm sorry that after last nights bleach (and this morning's subsequent bleach to get your color back to normal, then a coat of brown over that) you are now crispedy crackedy crunchedy. Just stay with me until Burning Man- I'll dye a ( Read more... )

RuPaul's Drag Race quote of the day: "The American dream for me is to have wigs and jewelry and hot dogs and balloons".
Girl! TRUTH! :D

when asked how Geoffry Rush would celebrate his SAG award win (for The King's Speech): "I don't drink as a rule... but as a fish."

I needed to deposit a check, so we leashed Lili and walked to W.F. behind Wal-Mart. Just as we approached the ATMs, a girl blazed up in her little rice rocket, walked to the ATM, immediately walked back to her car, then floated around the ATM. As I inserted my card, the stripper top-heavy girl with long platinum hair, stilletos, and a red clingy ( Read more... )

J & I went to Bio-Dad's house to borrow his truck. On the way out, he says "So your birthday's in a few days.... we can give you one of those cards with cash on it, or I can give you one of my handguns."
"What kind of gun?"
"Glock 19."
"The gun."

Militia men  Republicans  gun nuts  ex-cop/military alpha malea  gun nuts give the best birthday gifts :p

must be buzzed because I'm watching PR and everytime they say designer Valerie's name, I start loudly singing "Valerie" (couldn't have been the 2 drinks & tequila double-shot at dinner...)

and by the way, I am completely PISSED that neanderthal-looking mook who can't even speak/understand English (to the point of them saying "DO NOT use this ( Read more... )

oh, and "Turn the other cheek". And by that, I mean ass check. Turned toward the church jerks who've been giving you and your place of business a hard time for years straight. These girls got moxie... I like it! :D
Dancers from Ohio strip club protest at church

"Ode to My Stapler" (with inspiration from Office Space)

If you were a stapler, you would be red
you would be a red schwingline stapler
and I would never let anyone take you away from me

If you were music, I would listen every day
I would listen at a reasonable volume, while I did my stapling
I would listen all day long, at a reasonable volume, cause I ( Read more... )

We went out downtown, drank beers to celebrate International Beer Day, ate sausages & sauerkraut smothered in mustard... came(stumbled) home and the Futurama calendar says it's National Mustard Day.  I would like my Holiday Celebrating Trophy now, please!